(On
a lazy Sunday afternoon at the bocce ball courts in a public park, two retiree
regulars are at their usual intense competition)
Retiree
1: (As they collect the balls after a match) Ha! Beat you again.
Retiree
2: I told you, my arthritis is acting up – it’s going to rain any minute, I
don’t care how many clear skies you see!
Retiree
1: Then how come you keep holding your non-throwing arm whenever you say that?
Retiree
2: …That helps my throwing arm feel better.
New
Player 1: Mind if we join you?
(Retirees
1 and 2 look up from collecting the balls to see New Players 1 and 2, who are
several decades younger, decked out in sportswear, carrying a case of their own
bocce balls, and standing at the opposite end of the court)
Retiree
1: No thank you: we’ll be done in another round, and we don’t like change.
Retiree
2: Yeah, buzz off, children!
New
Player 1: (Laughs with New Player 2, then opens the case and lets the balls
drop to the ground) Word on the street is you two are the reigning bocce champs
`round here.
Retirees
1 and 2: [Mutter half-disagreeing affirmatives]
New
Player 1: Care to put that to the test?
Retiree
2: (To Retiree 1) Well, there it is: we can’t let a challenge like that stand, can
we?
Retiree
1: I don’t know – I’m getting tired and these two clowns may beat us just
because of that.
New
Player 1: (Shouting from the other end of the court) What’s it gonna be? (New Player 2 whispers into New Player 1’s ear;
the latter nods) Gramps?!
Retiree
1: (Narrows eyes) Oh, it’s on.
(Retirees
1 and 2 trot to the other end of the court and all four stare at each other)
New
Player 1: Should we shake hands before we start?
Retiree
1: Don’t touch me. And since we’re the
ones being challenged, I’m taking the prerogative of throwing the pallina.
New
Player 1: By all means.
Retiree
1: (Tosses the pallina a good distance down the court, then gestures to New
Players 1 and 2) Be my guest.
New
Player 2: Oh no, please: age before beauty.
Retiree
2: Now why you gotta be so nasty?
(Retiree 1 has to restrain Retiree 2) Punk!
New
Player 1: (Batting away New Player 2, who also is trying to get in Retiree 2’s
face) Just start the game already.
Retiree
1: Gladly. (Lines up the shot and gracefully
throws the ball down the court, where it lands very close to the pallina)
New
Player 1: Not bad. (Throws a ball that
lands almost right next to the first)
Retiree
2: My turn! (Throws a ball so hard it
lands out of bounds) Oops.
Retiree
1: Arthritis, my foot.
Retiree
2: It comes and goes.
New
Player 2: (Throws a ball that knocks away Retiree 1’s ball; Retirees 1’s and
2’s mouths drop open) Yessss!!!
(Several
passers-by stop to watch)
Passer-by
1: (To Retirees 1 and 2) You better keep an eye on these two; they may dethrone
you from your championship title, and humiliate you to boot.
Retiree
1: (Glaring at Passer-by 1, a frenemy for the past 23 years) Yes, I’m well
aware of that; thank you for pointing it out.
New
Player 1: (Holding up a ball) Shall we continue?
HOUR 2
(A
crowd has gathered around the court as the tournament shows no signs of
abating)
Crowd:
(As Retiree 1’s ball lands seemingly equidistant from New Player 1’s ball)
Ooooooh!
New
Player 2: Now what?
Retiree
1: Don’t worry. (Approaches the balls
while pulling out a tape measure) I always carry one of these for just such an
occasion. (All four players approach the
balls as Retiree 1 measures the two distances) Yep, mine’s closer.
New
Player 1: Let me see that! (Grabs the
measure and receives the same results; tosses it back to Retiree 1) Oh all
right.
Retiree
1: Best 19 out of 20?
New
Player 1: You’d better believe it.
HOUR 3
(The
encroaching mosquitos and whining dogs do not deter the growing crowd rooted in
place around the court. All four players
are sweating and their arms are not circling as wide arcs, but none will be the
first to call for a break)
Retiree
2: Your ball’s out of bounds! Knocking
away the pallina doesn’t count!
New
Player 1: It does so! The pallina was
knocked away before the ball went out of bounds!
Retiree
2: (To Retiree 1) What do the rules say?
Retiree
1: How should I know? We haven’t had to
consult them in years!
New
Player 1: (To the crowd) I saw we do over!
Crowd:
(Mutters assent)
Retiree
1: Fine. (Waves a disgusted hand over
the court for the others to re-set the pieces)
(A
park ranger approaches the group)
Park
Ranger 1: Folks, the park’s closing in half an hour.
Passer-by
2: You can’t close now, we have to see how this ends!
Passer-by
3: Yeah, it’s best 49 out of 50!
Park
Ranger 1: (Takes in the intensity of the scene) OK, just, uh – wrap it up soon. (Joins the crowd to watch as the round begins
again)
HOUR 4
(A
ball lands dangerously close to both the other team’s ball and the pallina)
Crowd
and Players: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!
Retiree
1: (To New Player 1, with a hoarse voice) Best 89 out of 90?
(A
park ranger truck pulls up next to the court and a voice blasts from the
loudspeakers)
Park
Ranger 2: Park’s closed, you weirdos – everybody go home!
Park
Ranger 1: (Pops up from one end of the court) But it’s still a tie!
Park
Ranger 2: We’ve talked about this behavior before, now get in the truck! And the rest of you, disperse before I turn
on the flood lights!
(The
crowd scatters in all directions as the truck drives away; the four players
stand uncertainly for a few moments)
New
Player 1: (Also with a hoarse voice) Wanna slip in another round before they
come back?
Retiree
1: Let’s call it a draw: I’m quite certain our arms will fly off if we throw
one more time, and none of us are ambidextrous.
Retiree
2: Ooh! I am! (Tries raising throwing arm and yelps in
pain)
Retiree
1: Knock it off.
New
Player 1: Until next time? (Holds out
opposite hand to shake)
Retiree
1: (Does the same and they shake) Until then: you two will never beat us, but
the game’s been getting boring lately and you’ve got the rest of your lives to
practice.
New
Player 1: Perfect. And we will never
stop until we triumph!
Retiree
1: That should keep us all busy for the rest of our lives, then.
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