Story 444: Plant Power

 (At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?

Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?

Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?

Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.

Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!

Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-

Tourist: Oh no!  I’m dying, I knew it!

Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?

Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?

Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye.  (Quickly exits)

Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?

(In a hotel room)

Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these.  (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go.  (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh.  Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess.  (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”

(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)

Tour Guide: Good morning!  Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?

Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!

Tour Guide: Great!  You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart.  (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi!  Everything all right?

Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.

Tour Guide: Great!  (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.

Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.

(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)

Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!

Tourist: Hm?  (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)

Tour Guide: What did I just say?!

Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?

Tour Guide: And stay with the group!

Tourist: Got it.  (Jogs back to the group)

Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!

(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)

Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.

Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.

Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….

Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.

Group Member 2: Indeed.  Ever wonder if it’s us?

Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)

(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)

Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….

Group Members: Ooohhh….  (Cameras and phones are whipped out)

Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….

Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)

Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.

Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….

(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)

Tour Guide: So!  How’re we feeling – refreshed?

Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)

Tour Guide: Eh?  I mean, wonderful – awwww!  (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor!  Be very still, please.

(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)

Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there.  (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?

Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.

Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.

Deer: <You sure about that?>  (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)

Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike!  (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!

Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!

Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.>  (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well?  If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>

Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –

Deer: <You the same species?  Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!>  (Tourist runs to catch up with the others)  <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>

(An hour later, the group stops again)

Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.

Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….

Tour Guide: Five-minute break!

Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?

Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?

Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.

Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?

Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!!  (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!

Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.

Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?!  Is this altitude sickness?!  I thought I was cured!

Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?

Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!

Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.

Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off!  (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!

Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off.  Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.

Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience.  (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.

Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!

Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?

Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.

Group Member 3: What about your face?  That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!

Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right!  (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!

Group Member 1: That’s just acne.

Tourist: Oh, right.  Guess we can go now.  (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)

Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?

Tourist: Sure.  At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.

(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?

Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!

Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?

Tourist: (Sighs) Better.  Horrified, but better.

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?

Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.

Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye.  (Starts to exit quickly)

Tourist: Hey, Doc!  (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!

Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You.  Should.  ALWAYS.  Read.  The.  Label.  Before.  You.  Take.  Something.  New.

Tourist: …Good point.

Story 435: Something in the Plumbing

 (Plumber drives up to the first address on the day’s list and reviews notes before leaving the truck)

Plumber: (Mumbles while reading) “Backed-up kitchen sink… backed-up dishwasher… Nature has been commuting through the pipes….”  Sounds like a 50-foot snake job.  (Grabs a tool bag and whistles on the way to the front door of the house, suspiciously eyeing the trees on the front lawn and their many, many roots)

Trees: <Don’t look at us – we were here long before those pipes were shoved into our bed>

(Plumber rings the doorbell and continues whistling while peering at the bushes lined up in a row under the front window; the door suddenly flings open and a hand grabs Plumber’s shirt, pulling the latter inside as the door slams)

Homeowner: (With frazzled hair, frazzled clothes, and frazzled eyes) My savior at last – I have been bailing out this mess for the past two days!

Plumber: (Unobtrusively removes Homeowner’s hand from shirt and suppresses a sigh) Sounds rough – lead the way.

(The head into the kitchen and stop at the doorway)

Plumber: (Now suppressing a scream) Ho-ow long did you say it’s been like this?!

Homeowner: (Biting a thumbnail) Hm?  Oh, the sink’s been regurgitating the ghosts of meals past for about a week – the bailing’s only been the past two days, and it was the weekend so I refused to pay extra for an emergency call.

(They navigate through the multiple buckets and jerry-rigged drain hoses throughout the kitchen to reach the sink, which has several inches of what appears to be pond water floating in it)

Plumber: (Opens the tool bag and starts going through it) And has the water been backing up every time you use this?

Homeowner: No, that’s the kicker: it backs up willy-nilly, all on its own, then drains whenever it feels like it; the bailing started when it stopped draining as much, and then the dishwasher started leaking in sympathy.  I have to get up every two hours during the night for these as if they were newborn children.

Plumber: Know the feeling.  (Opens the cabinet below the sink and checks out the pipes) Did you use any chemical drain cleaner at all on this?

Homeowner: No, I heard those ruin the pipes so I just did a homemade volcano of baking soda and vinegar.

Plumber: Thank goodness.  May I?  (Holds a hand out toward one of the buckets)

Homeowner: Please.

Plumber: (Places the bucket under the sink, unscrews the trap, and inspects it while letting everything drain) Yep, this is a bust.  (Holds out the trap to show it crumbling to pieces)

Homeowner: Wow.  Never noticed that before.

Plumber: (Wipes face as the remaining water drains and mud splashes all over the place) I’ll replace it, snake the pipe, and you should be good to go.

Homeowner: (Grabs a frog out of the nearly-empty sink and flings it out the window to land on a nearby tree) That’s it?  This seems worse than that simple fix; I could’ve done that myself.

Plumber: (Shaking off twigs falling out of the pipe and spitting out splashing mud) Well you didn’t fix it, did you!  Here – (Holds out the bucket) go dump this in the tub or wherever you’ve been disposing of the ocean while I take care of the rest.

Homeowner: (Takes the bucket and leaves, muttering) Rude.

Plumber: (Takes out the snake and begins unwinding it through the plumbing, on and on, encountering multiple obstacles along the way that are gradually defeated) C’mon, move it, get out of there…. (Keeps snaking through the pipes, then comes up against what feels like a wall) Aha!  Gotcha, you little…. (Struggles against the obstruction as Homeowner returns)

Homeowner: (Setting down the bucket and flinging another frog out the window) So, find anything?

Plumber: (Still struggling) Oh yeah!  It’s a doozy, but I think I’m – (Yank-pull) getting it – (Push-pull) loose –  (The house begins to shake with increasing violence as an ominous noise sounds down the line) Uh-oh.

Homeowner: Whaddya mean, “Uh-oh”?!  You know how nervous everyone gets when someone in authority says that!

Plumber: (Hurriedly retracts the sake, screws in a new trap on the shaking pipe, and backs away from the sink while gesturing Homeowner to do the same) You’ve got insurance on this place, right?

Homeowner: What?!

(The kitchen sink erupts in a mini-geyser of water, mud, branches, and frogs for about 10 seconds, then settles down and slowly drains again; the dishwasher gives a complementary splash)

Homeowner: (Shaking off water and debris) Whelp, good thing I took down the curtains before you came over.  So, what do you think – I need a new shut-off valve?

Plumber: (Wiping muddy water away from eyes) You need a new plumbing system!  It looks like the local bog got in there!

Homeowner: Well, that’s just ridiculous – there’s no bog anywhere near here; just the swamp across the street.

Plumber: Same difference!  (Gathers up the tool bag while still shaking off the mess) You need to call in the town’s sewer company or somebody to check those lines out there, `cause I am done!  (Runs out of the house; to Trees) That’s right, I’m talkin’ about you, too!

Trees: <Rude>

Homeowner: (Standing at the front door) What about my bill?

Plumber: (Diving into the truck) I’ll mail it to you, byeeeee!!!!  (Reverses speedily out of the driveway and zooms down the street)

Homeowner: (Re-enters the house while closing the door, sighs at the new mess in the kitchen, flings another frog out the window, and begins paper toweling everything) And I forgot to ask about checking that funny noise the shower’s been making….

Story 352: I Conquered Seasickness – Now I Am Invincible!

            (On the phone)

            Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

            Friend 2: Hi – one of my coworkers gave me two dolphin watch tickets they can’t use now – wanna go?  It’s for this Sunday.

         Friend 1: Uh, sorry, what?  We’re swimming with the dolphins?  `Cause that’s unnatural, you know, for them.

           Friend 2: No, we’re just watching them: you go out on a boat and they usually swim right up and show off.

            Friend 1: Oh.  All right, I guess I can go then, I’m always available.

            Friend 2: Great!

            Friend 1: But maybe not, `cause I get seasick.

            Friend 2: Since when?

            Friend 1: Since forever.

            Friend 2: You went on plenty of ferry rides for field trips back when we were in school!

            Friend 1: OK, maybe I was fine then, but ever since puberty, wham!  Over the rails.  I haven’t been on a boat in 20 years.

            Friend 2: Wow, I never noticed.

           Friend 1: Yeah, it’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation.  So, it may put a bit of a crimp in my enjoyment of this little sojourn.

            Friend 2: Hmmm, that it would.  Hang on, how about if you take --------- before we go?

            Friend 1: Never tried it.  What’re the side effects?

            Friend 2: Don’t know, but check it out; most people who get seasick swear by it.

            Friend 1: Sure, I’ll go get some, but it’s rude to swear.

            Friend 2: …Yeah, see you on Sunday.

SUNDAY

            (At a dock next to a dolphin watch ship, Friend 2 waits on the bobbing pier as storm clouds threaten overhead.  Friend 1 strolls over without hesitation on the shifting boards, beaming widely)

            Friend 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  And how are we this fine morning?

            Friend 2: Did you get my message?

            Friend 1: No.  (Checks phone) Oh there it is.

           Friend 2: It’s going to pour any minute, but the company said the boat’s still going out because it’s supposed to clear up later, so I called to see if you still wanted to go since the water’s gonna be really rough.

            Friend 1: Clearly we both do.  Shall we commence boarding this here dinghy yonder?

            Friend 2: I’m guessing you took the ---------, then?

          Friend 1: I took TWO!  (Starts bouncing up and down with the pier bobbing higher and higher) Who knew what I was missing all these years, wheeee!!!

           Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Let’s just get on board before I change my mind.

            (The passengers and crew board the ship and they set off into increasingly choppy waters and pouring rain; Friends 1 and 2 find seats on the upper deck)

         Friend 1: (Pointing) Look!  A seagull!  (Pointing) Look!  A buoy!  (Pointing) Look!  A swimming human!

            Friend 2: We haven’t left the harbor yet.

          Friend 1: I know, and already there’s so much to see!  (The ship increases speed and starts heaving up and down in the waves) Yippee, we even get a thrill ride on top of everything else, this is AWESOME!

            Friend 2: (Turning pale) And we haven’t left the harbor yet.

           Friend 1: You already said that.  (Rummages in a knapsack and holds out food) By the way, I grabbed our complimentary muffins when we got here – want yours now?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the muffin and swallows with difficulty) No thank you.

            Friend 1: I’ll save it for later.  (Munches on the other muffin)

            (Several minutes later, dolphins are spotted near the ship)

            Friend 1: (Runs on a downward slant towards a side railing) Awwww, they’re so cute!  Look at them frolic!  Hello, fellow mammals, I wish we could return to our home in the sea and hang out with you all forever!

            Friend 2: (Holding onto the back of a bench as the ship sways) Not right now, I don’t.

           Friend 1: You should come over and see this!  They’re so many of them all around as if they’re trying to herd us inland, and the lighting shows off their shiny skin wonderfully!

           Friend 2: (Stands unsteadily) I’m going to head downstairs for a bit.  (Lurches down the stairs)

           Friend 1: Sure thing – watch your step, the whole deck is soaked!  (Hears clicking from the dolphins’ echolocation and looks down at the nearest group) What’s that?  “Go back to shore, you stupid land animals”?  Freakin’ adorable.

            (Later, Friend 2 is seated in the lower deck and leaning against a window when Friend 1 plops down on the same bench)

            Friend 1: (Drinking from a bottle and holding out another to Friend 2) Juice?  This was free, too.

            Friend 2: (Looks at the bottle and turns green) Please get that thing away from me.

           Friend 1: All righty.  (Does so) I don’t get it – everyone here is acting all droopy, barely even glancing at a single dolphin in the hundreds out there, and they all actually paid money to be here!  (The ship dips very low, then high up while cresting a wave; there are many moans and groans) Yesssss!!!!  This is so much better than a roller coaster, I swear!

            Friend 2: (Bent over while seated, head between knees) I thought it was rude to swear.

            Friend 1: Well, this is a day of many firsts in my life, let me tell you.  (Suddenly looks out the window and points) Oh wow, the rain’s coming down in actual curtains and that big ol’ whale still is coming up for air!  Nature is absolutely amazing!

            Friend 2: Can you scootch over so I can lie down?

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh sure, I’m actually going to head back up top: no one else is out there now, so I figured I can climb on top of the wheelhouse and really get a good view!

            Friend 2: (Lies down while Friend 1 leaves) That’s great, go to town, bye-bye.

            (Several minutes later, Friend 1 shakes Friend 2 awake)

            Friend 2: Huh?  Is it finally over?

           Friend 1: What?  No, I just wanted to let you know the crew abandoned ship so I’ll be at the helm steering us back to shore if you need anything.

            Friend 2: (Bolts upright) WHAT?!

           Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s got a steering wheel like a car and the engines are still running so all I’ve gotta do is aim and brake, bye!  (Runs back upstairs, whistling a sea chanty)

          (Friend 2 slowly stands as the ship sways wildly, sees the quickly approaching beach, and screams with the other passengers as they run aground)

            Friend 1: (At the helm) THIS IS THE BEST TRIP EVER!  (Somehow holds onto the helm so as not to go flying through the front window when the ship crashes)

           (Later as emergency services assist the passengers now on the beach, Friend 2 finds Friend 1 sitting on a random boulder and staring out at the now-calm ocean)

            Friend 2: Well, that could’ve gone much worse.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.

           Friend 2: I mean, aside from some bumps and bruises, everyone’s surprisingly all right.

            Friend 1: Oh good.

          Friend 2: Yeah, so I just heard now the company that ran this tour wasn’t certified – I should’ve checked it out when I was given the tickets, but who thinks when you get something for free, right?

            Friend 1: You said it.

            Friend 2: You OK?

            Friend 1: …I think I’m crashing.

            Friend 2: You already crashed – splendidly, I might add; we all owe you one.

           Friend 1: No, I mean from the ---------.  I think it’s starting to wear off, and it’s kicking my butt on the way out.  (Looks at Friend 2 with heavy eyelids)

            Friend 2: Oh.  (Sits on the boulder and puts a blanket around Friend 1) Want to take a nap?

           Friend 1: Maybe.  (Leans head on Friend 2’s shoulder) You know the weirdest thing about all this?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t know where to start.

           Friend 1: It’s just that, I know their jaws are fixed like that, and I’m probably projecting, but the whole time we were out there, I’m certain the dolphins were laughing at us.

            Friend 2: I’d believe it.

Story 312: Ghost of Garbage Past

            (On a park trail, Hiker is walking at a brisk pace and whistling a merry tune.  Finishing off a plastic water bottle, she tosses it over her shoulder into the bushes off to the side.  Pulling a newspaper out of her backpack, she reads it for a bit while walking and then crumples it up and pitches it overhand into the woods.  She then pulls a bunch of plastic bags out of the backpack, tosses the bundle back and forth between her hands, then lifts one leg to chuck the bag bunch underneath her knee and bank it off a tree.  She pauses in her stride and whistling when she sees a trail marker with a bag hanging on it – a bag obviously filled with animal waste)

            Hiker: (Shaking her head in disgust as she moves on) Dog walkers.

            (She continues on the trail, oblivious to the POV shot shakily watching her through the trees and bushes.  There are cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music, signaling something approaching closer)

            Hiker: (Consulting a trail map) Ugh!  This must be out-of-date – there clearly is not a bridge for me to cross this pesky stream here anymore.  (Crushes the map and throws it into a hollow in a nearby tree, then hears the cracking and crackling as they get closer) Chipmunks must be antsy today.  (Starts walking again as the POV shot shakily and quickly zooms towards her – she finally turns around, widens her eyes, throws her arms out wide, and screams weirdly)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At the trailhead at dusk, three park rangers and Hiker’s Relative assemble)

            Chief Ranger: (To the other rangers) Still no sign?

            Park Ranger 1: (Out of breath) No, and I did the black diamond trail twice.

            Hiker’s Relative: Why?  I told you she only does the blue square trail.

            Park Ranger 1: Oh right, I forgot.

           Park Ranger 2: Well, I did all three blue square trails, and nothing – however, this just lends credence to my argument that we need to install cameras along all the trails, especially since I just now found at least 10 bags of dog poop and they show up at the same time and in the same places each week –

            Chief Ranger: We are not discussing this again: there’s no money in the budget for cameras on all 15 miles of trails here.

            Park Ranger 2: Oh, but there’s money in the budget for all the antibiotics we have to take for infections and the biohazard suits we have to wear, then?!

            (There are rustling trees at the trailhead, indicating something is approaching)

            Hiker’s Relative: What’s that?

          (They all shine flashlights at the shaky POV shot heading closer to them, accompanied by ominous music)

            Chief Ranger: (Mutters) Wish there was enough in the budget for at least stun guns.

            (After a lot of noise, Hiker stumbles out of the woods and into the parking lot; she is covered head-to-toe in all sorts of dripping garbage)

            Hiker: Gross… gross….

            Park Ranger 2: Ghost?

            Park Ranger 1: Ghost!

         (They scream until Chief Ranger smacks them both upside the head; Hiker collapses into Relative’s arms)

            Hiker’s Relative: Gross.

            Chief Ranger: (To Hiker) What happened to you out there?

            Hiker: (Shivering) Unclean… monster… revenge…..

            Park Ranger 2: (Nodding encouragingly) Ghost?

            Chief Ranger: Unbelievable.  Why can’t we just have a normal mugger like every other public place out there?

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(In a meeting room at the Ranger Station the next day)

Park Ranger 2: (Standing next to a projector screen that has a photo of trash all along a trail on it) And that is why our carry-in/carry-out policy clearly is not working.

Chief Ranger: We’re here to talk about last night’s ghost incident, not your ongoing campaign against the littering trailwalkers.

Park Ranger 2: I felt now was a good time to resurrect the issue, if you get my meaning.

Chief Ranger: I’d rather not; now sit down.  (Park Ranger 2 sits on a folding chair next to Park Ranger 1; Chief Ranger stands to address them) So, after the police interviewed that hiker last night, turns out there’s no actual description of a perp, no known motive, and no real damage done except needing to take a really long shower.

Park Ranger 1: Wait, no description?  She didn’t see the ghost that did it?

Chief Ranger: Well, she said it basically was – (Checks notebook) “A moving mass of garbage.”  Obviously can’t work off of that.

Park Ranger 2: (Shoots hand into the air) Oooh, oooh, I’ve got it!  Maybe it’s not a “ghost” per se: maybe it’s the woods itself attacking people who litter, using their own garbage against them as the perfect form of revenge!

Chief Ranger: …Nah, I like it being a ghost better.  Right – we’re going to spend today walking the trails and seeing if there are any remnants this weirdo spirit may have left behind.

Park Ranger 1: Shouldn’t the cops be doing that?  `Cause we’re not cops.

Chief Ranger: They are doing that, but they don’t know the trails like we do, with all the places people up to no good tend to hang out.  Figure the ghost’d go there, too.

Park Ranger 1: Yeah, I don’t really know all those, either.

Chief Ranger: For the love of – (Grabs a pamphlet titled “Undercover Trails” from a drawer and hands it to Park Ranger 1) Bring this with you and try to memorize at least some of it, please?  And if you two find anything suspicious, radio me and I’ll bring the police to your position.

Park Ranger 2: Does suspicious include –

Chief Ranger: Just if you find any humans, living or after-living, where they shouldn’t be.

Park Ranger 1: (Points to an area on the brochure) Heh-heh, I remember this spot from when I was in high school.

Chief Ranger: Yes, about 500 teenagers have gone there; none of you have any originality.

Park Ranger 1: Oh.  I thought it was special.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (On the trail around where Hiker was garbaged)

            Park Ranger 2: (Wearing gloves and collecting trash into a large bag) Not enough money for cameras – I know it’s the same 27 people spreading their filth wherever they go, I just need to start following them or something.  (Stops suddenly, looking at the full bag) Let’s try this.  (Cringes, then upends the bag to spread the contents onto the middle of the trail; addressing the skies) OH MY.  LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED – ALL THESE POTATO CHIP BAGS AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AND WATER BOTTLES AND PLASTIC WRAPPERS AND TISSUES AND WHAT-NOT, JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.  (Peers closer at the pile)  Are those condoms and tampons?!

           (POV shot shakily and quickly approaches to the sound of cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music; Park Ranger 2 turns around)

            Park Ranger 2: (Eyes widen upon seeing a massive wall of garbage moving quickly closer) I KNEW IT!  (As Wall almost hits, Park Ranger 2 holds out hands) WAIT!  (Wall freezes; Park Ranger 2 quickly picks up all the pieces of garbage again and places them back into the bag) Are you the Ghost of Garbage Past, or are you the Spirit of the Woods, or are you Mother Nature herself?  (Wall shrugs) You know, I’ve been trying to tackle this problem of people tossing their stuff around here like the park is one giant trash bin for years, but there are so many acres and so few of us that it’s felt like a losing battle for some time now.  (Wall shrugs again) You also know, they’re gonna wind up pinning what you did on some unknown rando – I’d say keep on doing it, but no one’ll ever believe who you really are and mend their ways because of that, so what’s the point of you garbaging people?  (Wall marks the word “REVENGE” on the trail) True, but they’re still going to litter anyway, because they learn nothing.  Maybe I can sneak garbage cans onto next year’s budget and have some volunteers sweep through here more often?  (Wall shrugs, then leaves)  Thanks!  Maybe still get dump yourself on some of those jerks though, just to keep them on their toes, know what I mean?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (Back at the Ranger Station)

            Chief Ranger: So none of us found anything?

           Park Ranger 1: Actually, I did find a pot garden and $14 in quarters, but I figured that’s not what you meant.

            Chief Ranger: (To Park Ranger 2) And you?

            Park Ranger 2: I think we won’t be having this problem anymore. (Winks broadly)

            Chief Ranger: What on Earth are you talking about?

           Park Ranger 2: Uh, actually, uh, no one else has reported anything unusual on the trails, and that Hiker called this afternoon saying she’s joining some nature organization that preserves open spaces and such, so… that, should be… that.

           Chief Ranger: What?!  Some freak human or freak inhuman could still be out there dumping garbage all over taxpayers, and you think it’s case closed?!

         Park Ranger 2: (Looks out the window at the gently swaying trees) We’ve come to an arrangement.

             Chief Ranger: Now that’s just creepy.