(On
a park trail, Hiker is walking at a brisk pace and whistling a merry tune. Finishing off a plastic water bottle, she
tosses it over her shoulder into the bushes off to the side. Pulling a newspaper out of her backpack, she
reads it for a bit while walking and then crumples it up and pitches it
overhand into the woods. She then pulls
a bunch of plastic bags out of the backpack, tosses the bundle back and forth
between her hands, then lifts one leg to chuck the bag bunch underneath her
knee and bank it off a tree. She pauses
in her stride and whistling when she sees a trail marker with a bag hanging on
it – a bag obviously filled with animal waste)
Hiker:
(Shaking her head in disgust as she moves on) Dog walkers.
(She
continues on the trail, oblivious to the POV shot shakily watching her through
the trees and bushes. There are cracking
branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music, signaling something approaching
closer)
Hiker:
(Consulting a trail map) Ugh! This must
be out-of-date – there clearly is not a bridge for me to cross this
pesky stream here anymore. (Crushes the map
and throws it into a hollow in a nearby tree, then hears the cracking and
crackling as they get closer) Chipmunks must be antsy today. (Starts walking again as the POV shot shakily
and quickly zooms towards her – she finally turns around, widens her eyes,
throws her arms out wide, and screams weirdly)
* * * * * * * * * * *
(At
the trailhead at dusk, three park rangers and Hiker’s Relative assemble)
Chief
Ranger: (To the other rangers) Still no sign?
Park
Ranger 1: (Out of breath) No, and I did the black diamond trail twice.
Hiker’s
Relative: Why? I told you she only does
the blue square trail.
Park
Ranger 1: Oh right, I forgot.
Park
Ranger 2: Well, I did all three blue square trails, and nothing –
however, this just lends credence to my argument that we need to install
cameras along all the trails, especially since I just now found at least 10
bags of dog poop and they show up at the same time and in the same places each
week –
Chief
Ranger: We are not discussing this again: there’s no money in the budget for
cameras on all 15 miles of trails here.
Park
Ranger 2: Oh, but there’s money in the budget for all the antibiotics we have
to take for infections and the biohazard suits we have to wear, then?!
(There
are rustling trees at the trailhead, indicating something is approaching)
Hiker’s
Relative: What’s that?
(They
all shine flashlights at the shaky POV shot heading closer to them, accompanied
by ominous music)
Chief
Ranger: (Mutters) Wish there was enough in the budget for at least stun guns.
(After
a lot of noise, Hiker stumbles out of the woods and into the parking lot; she
is covered head-to-toe in all sorts of dripping garbage)
Hiker:
Gross… gross….
Park
Ranger 2: Ghost?
Park
Ranger 1: Ghost!
(They
scream until Chief Ranger smacks them both upside the head; Hiker collapses
into Relative’s arms)
Hiker’s
Relative: Gross.
Chief
Ranger: (To Hiker) What happened to you out there?
Hiker:
(Shivering) Unclean… monster… revenge…..
Park
Ranger 2: (Nodding encouragingly) Ghost?
Chief
Ranger: Unbelievable. Why can’t we just
have a normal mugger like every other public place out there?
* * * * * * * * * * *
(In a meeting
room at the Ranger Station the next day)
Park Ranger 2:
(Standing next to a projector screen that has a photo of trash all along a
trail on it) And that is why our carry-in/carry-out policy clearly is
not working.
Chief Ranger: We’re
here to talk about last night’s ghost incident, not your ongoing campaign
against the littering trailwalkers.
Park Ranger 2: I
felt now was a good time to resurrect the issue, if you get my meaning.
Chief Ranger: I’d
rather not; now sit down. (Park Ranger 2
sits on a folding chair next to Park Ranger 1; Chief Ranger stands to address
them) So, after the police interviewed that hiker last night, turns out there’s
no actual description of a perp, no known motive, and no real damage done
except needing to take a really long shower.
Park Ranger 1:
Wait, no description? She didn’t see the
ghost that did it?
Chief Ranger:
Well, she said it basically was – (Checks notebook) “A moving mass of garbage.” Obviously can’t work off of that.
Park Ranger 2:
(Shoots hand into the air) Oooh, oooh, I’ve got it! Maybe it’s not a “ghost” per se: maybe it’s
the woods itself attacking people who litter, using their own garbage
against them as the perfect form of revenge!
Chief Ranger: …Nah,
I like it being a ghost better. Right –
we’re going to spend today walking the trails and seeing if there are any
remnants this weirdo spirit may have left behind.
Park Ranger 1:
Shouldn’t the cops be doing that? `Cause
we’re not cops.
Chief Ranger: They
are doing that, but they don’t know the trails like we do, with all the places
people up to no good tend to hang out.
Figure the ghost’d go there, too.
Park Ranger 1:
Yeah, I don’t really know all those, either.
Chief Ranger:
For the love of – (Grabs a pamphlet titled “Undercover Trails” from a drawer
and hands it to Park Ranger 1) Bring this with you and try to memorize at least
some of it, please? And if you two find
anything suspicious, radio me and I’ll bring the police to your position.
Park Ranger 2:
Does suspicious include –
Chief Ranger:
Just if you find any humans, living or after-living, where they shouldn’t be.
Park Ranger 1:
(Points to an area on the brochure) Heh-heh, I remember this spot from when I
was in high school.
Chief Ranger:
Yes, about 500 teenagers have gone there; none of you have any originality.
Park Ranger 1:
Oh. I thought it was special.
* * * * * * * * * * *
(On
the trail around where Hiker was garbaged)
Park
Ranger 2: (Wearing gloves and collecting trash into a large bag) Not enough
money for cameras – I know it’s the same 27 people spreading their filth
wherever they go, I just need to start following them or something. (Stops suddenly, looking at the full bag) Let’s
try this. (Cringes, then upends the bag
to spread the contents onto the middle of the trail; addressing the skies) OH
MY. LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED – ALL THESE
POTATO CHIP BAGS AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AND WATER BOTTLES AND PLASTIC WRAPPERS AND
TISSUES AND WHAT-NOT, JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.
(Peers closer at the pile) Are
those condoms and tampons?!
(POV
shot shakily and quickly approaches to the sound of cracking branches,
crackling leaves, and ominous music; Park Ranger 2 turns around)
Park
Ranger 2: (Eyes widen upon seeing a massive wall of garbage moving quickly
closer) I KNEW IT! (As Wall almost hits,
Park Ranger 2 holds out hands) WAIT! (Wall
freezes; Park Ranger 2 quickly picks up all the pieces of garbage again and
places them back into the bag) Are you the Ghost of Garbage Past, or are you
the Spirit of the Woods, or are you Mother Nature herself? (Wall shrugs) You know, I’ve been trying to
tackle this problem of people tossing their stuff around here like the park is
one giant trash bin for years, but there are so many acres and so few of us
that it’s felt like a losing battle for some time now. (Wall shrugs again) You also know, they’re
gonna wind up pinning what you did on some unknown rando – I’d say keep on
doing it, but no one’ll ever believe who you really are and mend their ways
because of that, so what’s the point of you garbaging people? (Wall marks the word “REVENGE” on the trail)
True, but they’re still going to litter anyway, because they learn
nothing. Maybe I can sneak garbage cans onto
next year’s budget and have some volunteers sweep through here more often? (Wall shrugs, then leaves) Thanks!
Maybe still get dump yourself on some of those jerks though, just to
keep them on their toes, know what I mean?
* * * * * * * * * * *
(Back
at the Ranger Station)
Chief
Ranger: So none of us found anything?
Park
Ranger 1: Actually, I did find a pot garden and $14 in quarters, but I figured
that’s not what you meant.
Chief
Ranger: (To Park Ranger 2) And you?
Park
Ranger 2: I think we won’t be having this problem anymore. (Winks broadly)
Chief
Ranger: What on Earth are you talking about?
Park
Ranger 2: Uh, actually, uh, no one else has reported anything unusual on the
trails, and that Hiker called this afternoon saying she’s joining some nature
organization that preserves open spaces and such, so… that, should be… that.
Chief
Ranger: What?! Some freak human or freak
inhuman could still be out there dumping garbage all over taxpayers, and you
think it’s case closed?!
Park
Ranger 2: (Looks out the window at the gently swaying trees) We’ve come to an
arrangement.
Chief
Ranger: Now that’s just creepy.
