Story 312: Ghost of Garbage Past

            (On a park trail, Hiker is walking at a brisk pace and whistling a merry tune.  Finishing off a plastic water bottle, she tosses it over her shoulder into the bushes off to the side.  Pulling a newspaper out of her backpack, she reads it for a bit while walking and then crumples it up and pitches it overhand into the woods.  She then pulls a bunch of plastic bags out of the backpack, tosses the bundle back and forth between her hands, then lifts one leg to chuck the bag bunch underneath her knee and bank it off a tree.  She pauses in her stride and whistling when she sees a trail marker with a bag hanging on it – a bag obviously filled with animal waste)

            Hiker: (Shaking her head in disgust as she moves on) Dog walkers.

            (She continues on the trail, oblivious to the POV shot shakily watching her through the trees and bushes.  There are cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music, signaling something approaching closer)

            Hiker: (Consulting a trail map) Ugh!  This must be out-of-date – there clearly is not a bridge for me to cross this pesky stream here anymore.  (Crushes the map and throws it into a hollow in a nearby tree, then hears the cracking and crackling as they get closer) Chipmunks must be antsy today.  (Starts walking again as the POV shot shakily and quickly zooms towards her – she finally turns around, widens her eyes, throws her arms out wide, and screams weirdly)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            (At the trailhead at dusk, three park rangers and Hiker’s Relative assemble)

            Chief Ranger: (To the other rangers) Still no sign?

            Park Ranger 1: (Out of breath) No, and I did the black diamond trail twice.

            Hiker’s Relative: Why?  I told you she only does the blue square trail.

            Park Ranger 1: Oh right, I forgot.

           Park Ranger 2: Well, I did all three blue square trails, and nothing – however, this just lends credence to my argument that we need to install cameras along all the trails, especially since I just now found at least 10 bags of dog poop and they show up at the same time and in the same places each week –

            Chief Ranger: We are not discussing this again: there’s no money in the budget for cameras on all 15 miles of trails here.

            Park Ranger 2: Oh, but there’s money in the budget for all the antibiotics we have to take for infections and the biohazard suits we have to wear, then?!

            (There are rustling trees at the trailhead, indicating something is approaching)

            Hiker’s Relative: What’s that?

          (They all shine flashlights at the shaky POV shot heading closer to them, accompanied by ominous music)

            Chief Ranger: (Mutters) Wish there was enough in the budget for at least stun guns.

            (After a lot of noise, Hiker stumbles out of the woods and into the parking lot; she is covered head-to-toe in all sorts of dripping garbage)

            Hiker: Gross… gross….

            Park Ranger 2: Ghost?

            Park Ranger 1: Ghost!

         (They scream until Chief Ranger smacks them both upside the head; Hiker collapses into Relative’s arms)

            Hiker’s Relative: Gross.

            Chief Ranger: (To Hiker) What happened to you out there?

            Hiker: (Shivering) Unclean… monster… revenge…..

            Park Ranger 2: (Nodding encouragingly) Ghost?

            Chief Ranger: Unbelievable.  Why can’t we just have a normal mugger like every other public place out there?

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(In a meeting room at the Ranger Station the next day)

Park Ranger 2: (Standing next to a projector screen that has a photo of trash all along a trail on it) And that is why our carry-in/carry-out policy clearly is not working.

Chief Ranger: We’re here to talk about last night’s ghost incident, not your ongoing campaign against the littering trailwalkers.

Park Ranger 2: I felt now was a good time to resurrect the issue, if you get my meaning.

Chief Ranger: I’d rather not; now sit down.  (Park Ranger 2 sits on a folding chair next to Park Ranger 1; Chief Ranger stands to address them) So, after the police interviewed that hiker last night, turns out there’s no actual description of a perp, no known motive, and no real damage done except needing to take a really long shower.

Park Ranger 1: Wait, no description?  She didn’t see the ghost that did it?

Chief Ranger: Well, she said it basically was – (Checks notebook) “A moving mass of garbage.”  Obviously can’t work off of that.

Park Ranger 2: (Shoots hand into the air) Oooh, oooh, I’ve got it!  Maybe it’s not a “ghost” per se: maybe it’s the woods itself attacking people who litter, using their own garbage against them as the perfect form of revenge!

Chief Ranger: …Nah, I like it being a ghost better.  Right – we’re going to spend today walking the trails and seeing if there are any remnants this weirdo spirit may have left behind.

Park Ranger 1: Shouldn’t the cops be doing that?  `Cause we’re not cops.

Chief Ranger: They are doing that, but they don’t know the trails like we do, with all the places people up to no good tend to hang out.  Figure the ghost’d go there, too.

Park Ranger 1: Yeah, I don’t really know all those, either.

Chief Ranger: For the love of – (Grabs a pamphlet titled “Undercover Trails” from a drawer and hands it to Park Ranger 1) Bring this with you and try to memorize at least some of it, please?  And if you two find anything suspicious, radio me and I’ll bring the police to your position.

Park Ranger 2: Does suspicious include –

Chief Ranger: Just if you find any humans, living or after-living, where they shouldn’t be.

Park Ranger 1: (Points to an area on the brochure) Heh-heh, I remember this spot from when I was in high school.

Chief Ranger: Yes, about 500 teenagers have gone there; none of you have any originality.

Park Ranger 1: Oh.  I thought it was special.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (On the trail around where Hiker was garbaged)

            Park Ranger 2: (Wearing gloves and collecting trash into a large bag) Not enough money for cameras – I know it’s the same 27 people spreading their filth wherever they go, I just need to start following them or something.  (Stops suddenly, looking at the full bag) Let’s try this.  (Cringes, then upends the bag to spread the contents onto the middle of the trail; addressing the skies) OH MY.  LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED – ALL THESE POTATO CHIP BAGS AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AND WATER BOTTLES AND PLASTIC WRAPPERS AND TISSUES AND WHAT-NOT, JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.  (Peers closer at the pile)  Are those condoms and tampons?!

           (POV shot shakily and quickly approaches to the sound of cracking branches, crackling leaves, and ominous music; Park Ranger 2 turns around)

            Park Ranger 2: (Eyes widen upon seeing a massive wall of garbage moving quickly closer) I KNEW IT!  (As Wall almost hits, Park Ranger 2 holds out hands) WAIT!  (Wall freezes; Park Ranger 2 quickly picks up all the pieces of garbage again and places them back into the bag) Are you the Ghost of Garbage Past, or are you the Spirit of the Woods, or are you Mother Nature herself?  (Wall shrugs) You know, I’ve been trying to tackle this problem of people tossing their stuff around here like the park is one giant trash bin for years, but there are so many acres and so few of us that it’s felt like a losing battle for some time now.  (Wall shrugs again) You also know, they’re gonna wind up pinning what you did on some unknown rando – I’d say keep on doing it, but no one’ll ever believe who you really are and mend their ways because of that, so what’s the point of you garbaging people?  (Wall marks the word “REVENGE” on the trail) True, but they’re still going to litter anyway, because they learn nothing.  Maybe I can sneak garbage cans onto next year’s budget and have some volunteers sweep through here more often?  (Wall shrugs, then leaves)  Thanks!  Maybe still get dump yourself on some of those jerks though, just to keep them on their toes, know what I mean?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            (Back at the Ranger Station)

            Chief Ranger: So none of us found anything?

           Park Ranger 1: Actually, I did find a pot garden and $14 in quarters, but I figured that’s not what you meant.

            Chief Ranger: (To Park Ranger 2) And you?

            Park Ranger 2: I think we won’t be having this problem anymore. (Winks broadly)

            Chief Ranger: What on Earth are you talking about?

           Park Ranger 2: Uh, actually, uh, no one else has reported anything unusual on the trails, and that Hiker called this afternoon saying she’s joining some nature organization that preserves open spaces and such, so… that, should be… that.

           Chief Ranger: What?!  Some freak human or freak inhuman could still be out there dumping garbage all over taxpayers, and you think it’s case closed?!

         Park Ranger 2: (Looks out the window at the gently swaying trees) We’ve come to an arrangement.

             Chief Ranger: Now that’s just creepy.

Story 267: Cross-Country Obstacle Course

            (At an outdoor track at a high school, the Commentator stands by the starting line, bundled in a padded coat and pants with most of the face covered by a hood and scarf)

           Commentator: (Speaks in a slightly muffled voice) Welcome, everyone, to our 2^nd Annual National Charitable Seasonal Cross-Country Obstacle Course.  Apparently last year’s event, which was deliberately scheduled for the coldest day of the year making the contestants on-call for three months, was seen as not “challenging” enough by our viewers, SO, this year the event has been moved to the northernmost point of Canada, and the organizers have arranged for things to be a bit more "interesting."  

            (The five runners arrive at the starting line, constantly running in place and swinging their arms; they all are wearing shorts and tank tops)

            Commentator: Now, the race will begin at this deceptively simple track here, but after one revolution the contestants will continue to parts unknown.  (The starting gun fires) And they’re off!  Look at their combined breath – it’s a veritable fog out there!

            (The runners make it halfway through the course before one trips over the streak of ice that is its own track)

            Commentator: Oh quick, get up!  Get up!  (The runner’s arms and legs are stuck to the ground) Ooh, bad luck there, chum: didn’t even make it out of the first leg, and can’t even wave for help.  Let’s see how the others are doing, shall we?

            (Hops onto a golf cart, which take a few tries to start.  The remaining four runners had departed the track and entered the woods)

             Commentator: Now, here is the portion of the race the organizers titled “A Walk in the Park,” those sadistic – anyway, the runners here will encounter typical obstacles one would on a normal walk in the park.  You’ll get what I mean in a minute.

            (As the runners navigate the trails, several civilians jog up to them and start throwing trash in their way)

           Jogger 1: Finished my sport drink – don’t need this anymore!  (Tosses a bunch of plastic bottles onto the trail that the runners have to leap over)

            Jogger 2: Tissues!  Who wants tissues?  We’ve got tissues here!  (Sprinkles tissues all over the runners, who freak out)

            Jogger 3: Need a plastic bag?  I’ve got PLENTY!  (Shoots bags from a T-shirt launcher over the runners’ heads; the runners try to bat them away)

          Commentator: Nice avoidance form, mates – what’s this?  Seems Runner #3 is lagging behind!  (Commentator steers the cart over to Runner 3, who has been picking up all the garbage that now is strewn across the trail)

            Commentator: (In a low voice) We’ve got employees to do that.

            Runner 3: I can’t just leave it!  That’s contributing to the all-consuming problem!

          Commentator: (To the camera) Ah, the downside of competing in an event like this when you’re head of the local Nature Conservancy chapter.  (Shakes head as the joggers dump more trash around Runner 3)

            (Farther ahead, the path has been swallowed up by enormous pools of slushy water)

            Commentator: Now, the challenge here lies in the fact that there is no good way around these things – the grass on either side of the path has turned to swampland and the nearest road is a mile away.  Let’s see how they get on, shall we?

            (The three remaining runners begin to cross the water but soon are in up to their necks.  One runner begins swimming, then is assisted out of the water as their limbs immobilize; the other two exit the water, grab a fallen log, and hop on that to paddle across to the side where the path resurfaces)

            Commentator: It’s always lovely when competitors temporarily use teamwork.  However, since they didn’t actually run in that portion, I’m afraid it doesn’t count.  What?  (Listens to earpiece) Oh.  I was just informed by the organizers that we can’t disqualify all our contestants, so they’ll allow it.

            (The trail leads the two runners out of the woods onto a highway)

            Commentator: Let’s see if this doesn’t get the old heart racing, as we wait for our remaining contestants to cross the street.  This section of the course has been designed as a replica of the Arc de Triomphe Roundabout, complete with six unmarked lanes of traffic.

           (The two runners start, stop, start, dodge, weave, leap, zig, zag, soar, backflip, vault, and tumble through the constant stream of cars to reach the center of the circle.  They both make it, but Runner 4 looks back over the course they just traversed, and faints)

           Commentator: Ooh, so close.  Looks like Runner # 2 is our sole victor, and there’s still another half of the course to go.

            Runner 2: What?!

           Commentator: You heard me!  Now get to your dog sled!  (Runner 2 is hitched to a dog sled and pulls it through the other side of the traffic circle, with no sled driver and no dogs) With any luck, we should reach Alaska by tomorrow!  Tune in at the same time that day – that’s when the fun really begins!