(In
the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for
an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)
Celebrity:
(Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this
one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her
social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is
a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than
some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house
peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that
hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she
turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling,
we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience,
and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for
you this time. (There is knocking on the
door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye! (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely)
Come on in!
(An
assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an
imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)
Assistant:
And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!
(Slightly shoves Fan forward)
Celebrity:
(Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome! Lovely to
meet you!
Fan:
(Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.
Celebrity:
…So, would you like something to drink, or snack on? They said we can have anything we like here –
coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?
Fan:
Nothing for me, thank you.
Celebrity:
…Right! (To Assistant) I think we’re all
set here, thanks!
Assistant:
OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time. (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she
gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)
Celebrity:
(Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!
(Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan,
smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well! Let’s have a seat, shall we? (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an
adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and
all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate
you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real
passion project.
Fan:
(Still looking down) Oh. Thank you. I mean, you’re welcome?
Celebrity:
(Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?
Fan:
Ummm, me?
Celebrity:
Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press
tour, know-what-I-mean?
Fan:
Oh, yeah.
Celebrity:
Yeah… so, um, what do you do? For a
living, or just, you know, day-to-day?
Fan:
Oh, uh, I work in I.T.
Celebrity:
Oh, that’s great!
Fan:
It really isn’t.
Celebrity:
Ah. (Drums fingers on the arm of the
chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m
going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour,
and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures
around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?
Fan:
(Split-second peeks) No.
Celebrity:
You sure? No stray gray hairs or sudden
acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?
Fan:
Nope, you're good.
Celebrity:
Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking
at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me
about.
Fan:
(Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.
Celebrity:
Not at all! This whole environment can
be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know
I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow,
so it’s all good.
Fan:
(Solemnly) I would never.
Celebrity:
Oh, cheers.
Fan:
(Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….
Celebrity:
(Waits) Go on.
Fan:
Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and
really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.
Celebrity:
(Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?
Fan:
Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.
Celebrity:
Of course not.
Fan:
It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re
married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and
now I feel like I exploited you or something.
Celebrity:
Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?
Fan:
I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.
Celebrity:
It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?
Fan:
Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to
describe a dream they only half-remember?
I wouldn’t.
Celebrity:
Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.
Fan:
OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I
was in one of your movies, from this year –
Celebrity:
Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so
is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?
Fan:
The comic superhero one.
Celebrity:
Ah, my bread and butter. Proceed.
Fan:
OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of
rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character
was there –
Celebrity:
(Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.
Fan:
And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was
hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth,
like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?
Celebrity:
Mm-hm. And then what?
Fan:
And that’s it.
Celebrity:
That’s it? That’s not so bad – I’ve
heard much worse, believe me. (Shudders)
Fan:
I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at
your expense.
Celebrity:
No worries – I’m fine.
Fan:
I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be
thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”
Celebrity:
Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with
them. Are you in a relationship now
where you think they feel that way?
Fan:
No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after
the resentment’s set in.
Celebrity:
Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and
put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.
Fan:
Thanks. Not to sound like a stalker, but
I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems
awesome.
Celebrity:
They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home
after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss
them so much.
Fan:
Good for you! I hardly watch these
things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this
extra advertising?
Celebrity:
That’s what I said!
(Knock
on the door, then Assistant enters)
Assistant:
Fifteen minutes! (Mouths to Celebrity
“Need the cops?”)
Celebrity:
Thank you, be right out! (Assistant leaves;
Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I
forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you,
shoot! (Starts frantically going through
a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)
Fan:
It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.
Celebrity:
Huh?
Fan:
This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to
feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do
your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End. Instead you also have to do stuff like this,
make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal
information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage
in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and
“on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and
inconveniencing you and your family and friends.
Celebrity:
Oh. Well, it is part of the job
when you start making an extremely large amount of money. I don’t mind.
Fan:
Is it? And don’t you? I mean, it must be weird going from just
being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you
everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore. I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d
think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known
my name a few years ago. And all because
you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and
try to make the world just a little bit better.
Celebrity:
(Near tears) Finally! Someone who gets
it!
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