Showing posts with label paid to care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paid to care. Show all posts

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Story 263: Paid to Care, LLC


            Voiceover: Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?
            (Scene of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!” while onlookers turn away in apathy)
            Voiceover: Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?
            (Scene of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000” overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)
            Voiceover: Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?
            (Scene of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)
            Voiceover: Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care, LLC!
            (Scene of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at the door)
        Representative 1: Hi there!  I’m here to produce video documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!
           Innocent Patsy: Wow!  That’s nothing short of miraculous!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!
            (Scene of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in front of the table to face the camera)
            Representative 2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value, which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean these guys, our wonderful clients!
            Sellers: Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there!  (Throws papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)
            Buyers: At last, justice is served!  Thanks, Paid to Care!
            Representative 2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!  (Winks at the camera)
         (Scene of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving; an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away the line-cutters left and right)
            Representative 3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers!  (Grabs another person towards the front)
            Client: Wait, that one was there before me!
            Representative 3: Oh.  As you were.  (Lets go of the person, who can breathe again)  As I was saying, the rest of you maggots wait your turn!  (To Client) Proceed.
            Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!  (Is cut in line again)
            Representative 3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with you people?!  I despair in humanity!
            Voiceover: No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous!  Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve that special someone to fight your battles for you today!  (In a lower rushed voice) Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback- (In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!