She
got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.
“Hi,”
The Car said to her.
“Huh?”
she replied.
“Listen,”
The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve
got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if
you get my drift.”
“What?”
“Look,
neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s
time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”
“What?!”
“Right,
I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’
Whatever.”
She
finally snapped out of her shock. “I am
not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”
“That
was over four years ago, darling.”
“No
it wasn’t! It was – that summer when –
last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”
“Yes,
time doth fly and all that. Bottom line
is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping
up on the maximum limit right now. Plus
the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been
doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”
“But
the battery’s working just fine! It’s
working right now! And while you’re
insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which
is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”
“Nothing’s
stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”
She
agreed with that at least and began her work commute. “But I don’t see why I should spend the money
on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again. “Nothing’s wrong with it!”
The
Car sighed through the vents. “‘Nothing’s
wrong with it’? Do you even listen to me
when you’re in here?!”
“Of
course I do! You purr like a freaking
kitten!”
“I
haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering,
sputtering, and stalling lately.”
“What,
that one time? Not going to the mechanic
for that!”
“Try
15 times. In the past month.”
“…Well,
you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.
Outta my way, jerk!”
<BEEEEEP!>
“Much
as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering
column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally
screaming at you in the face.”
“I
clearly don’t have time for this right now.
How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up
and have this all straightened out then, hm?”
“I’ll
try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”
ONE WEEK LATER
She
got into her car and tried to start it.
“Huh?”
STUTTER
– SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK
“Oh
no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the
failed ignition.
The
Car could not remain silent. “I told
you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me
off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”
“No-no-no-no-”
she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless
time-fillers. “Why does this always
happen when I have to go somewhere?”
“That
really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it? To go somewhere?”
“What
am I going to do?!” She banged her head
against the steering wheel.
“Your
only actual option right now is to get me a new battery! Twit.”
“But
it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”
“Call
for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”
She
got out of The Car and slammed the door.
“You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”
“Likewise. And if you play your cards right, you’ll also
get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”
