(In a house, Resident sleepily shuffles into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door with one hand while rubbing eyes with the other)
Refrigerator: <Sounds of parts grinding) [You never vacuumed my coils and now my workings are all clogged up!]
Resident: (Grabbing a juice carton out from the back of the crowded shelf) <Yawn> Quit your moaning; I’ll get on it. (Lets the door slam shut and shuffles away)
Refrigerator: [And my shelves are a mess! You have multiple uninvited colonies of microbes living in here, did you know that?! Hellloooo??!!]
Resident: (Barely staying awake while slumped at the kitchen table, drinking from the carton and eating from a box of cereal) Mm-hmmm…. Right… on it….
SIX MONTHS LATER
(Resident walks in through the front door after work, drops a messenger bag onto the floor, flings off shoes, then stops and sniffs the air)
Resident: Almost smells like something’s on fire. Interesting.
(Hunts through the house, lifts up an area rug, smells a shirt that is lying on the couch, then realizes that the smell is coming from the vents)
Resident: Huh, wonder what that could be?
(Tiredly lifts up a door in the laundry room floor, then slides down a stepladder into the crawl space and wiggles over to the furnace)
Furnace: <Sounds of parts grinding> [You haven’t had anyone give me a tune-up since you moved in! I won’t be responsible for the consequences!]
Resident: (Knocks lightly on an outside panel, then shrugs and wiggles back to the stepladder) Ah, why bother – it’s still summer.
Furnace: [GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!]
THREE MONTHS LATER
(Resident is lying on the couch watching a movie on a large-screen TV when a loud <KLUNK!> is heard in the near distance)
Resident: (Pauses the movie) Yes?
Washing Machine: <Muffled sounds of parts grinding> [If I’m making noises when I’m not even ON, there’s a problem!]
Resident: (Listens to the noises for a few more seconds, then shrugs and resumes the movie) Eh, no rush to do anything about it now.
TWO MONTHS LATER
(Resident walks into the bathroom, humming, then stops on seeing water pooled around the bottom edge of the toilet)
Resident: Hmmmm…. (Thinks for a few moments, then grabs a large bath towel from a rack, piles it around the bottom edge of the toilet, and nods in satisfaction) Problem solved. (Grabs deodorant and sprays self all over on the way out, humming again)
Toilet: <Constant sound of running water> [Un… believable….]
ONE MONTH LATER
(Resident walks to the bedroom in pajamas and suddenly hears a loud <CREAK!>)
Resident: (Stops in the hallway, then looks up at the ceiling) Ghosts finally move in?
House: <Creaking> [No, you idiot, I’m infested with termites and they’re eating me alive! Or should I say dead, since the trees used to make me had to be CHOPPED DOWN in their prime! Don’t you see the sawdust piles those invaders leave, or notice that the wooden walls and floors lately sound extremely hollow?! Or did this all just blend in with your regular mess?!]
Resident: (Looks down and sees several sawdust piles) Huh – wonder where those came from? (Knocks on a nearby wall that sounds suspiciously hollow)
Termites: [No one’s home!]
Resident: OK then – nighty-night. (Shuffles into the bedroom and flops onto the bed)
House: (To the termites) [Oh go ahead – this’ll be the ultimate revenge.]
ONE DAY LATER
(Resident hears knocking at the front door and opens it)
Resident: Hi! Do I know you?
Town Official: Thankfully not: I’m posting a notice that your house has been condemned – please exit before it collapses on you. (Posts a notice on the outside of the screen door)
Resident: Well, there must be some mistake. You sure you’re at the right address?
Town Official: (Looks around at the lopsided house, yards-high grass, and bifurcated driveway, then back at Resident) Quite sure. There have been numerous notices mailed to you about this issue.
Resident: (Leans against a door jamb, which immediately breaks off; leans against the opposite door jamb instead) Oh really? `Cause this certainly is the first I’m hearing about it!
Town Official: (Casts a glance at the mail pile on the stoop that has reached the top of the mailbox fixed next to the front door) I don’t doubt it. Now, please come with me to Town Hall where we can start processing all the fines you need to pay and discuss razing everything to the ground and starting over – with any luck, you may avoid jail time. (Turns and carefully walks around the cracks in the ground while heading toward a car that is parked half a block away)
Resident: (Hops around obstacles on the ground) This – is – unacceptable! I demand an explanation!
Town Official: (Turns back to Resident as they both reach the safety of the street) I literally just gave one. You can follow me to Town Hall if you don’t know the way there – I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t want your chaos infecting my car.
Resident: Well, you can tell “Town Hall” that they’ve gone too far! This is overreach, to the worst extreme! My house is perfectly fine, and I will take care of any supposed issues that arise inside, outside, above, and/or below it, without some patronizing unseen force that thinks it can tell me what to do just because it makes sure my recycling is picked up and education is provided and whatever, meddling in my personal affairs! Everything is, always has been, and always will be, PERFECTLY! FINE!!
House: [That’s our cue, folks!]
(The entire structure collapses, down through the crawl space and beyond)
Malfunctioning Appliances: [We’re free, hurrah!]
(Resident and Town Official stare at the self-imposed demolition until it finally settles with a whimper)
Resident: (Eventually turns back to Town Official) My taxes cover fixing that, right?
Town Official: I’m sorry: we don’t meddle in personal affairs.
Resident: Guess I deserved that.