Warning: The following story is not for the faint of stomach!
Narrator:
She thought Evil could not harm her….
[Shots
of haunted woods and disturbed crypts]
Narrator:
She thought she was safe from all nightmares….
[Shots
of bloody fangs and decaying mansions, backed by the sound of a howling
werewolf]
Narrator:
SHE – WAS – willfully uninformed.
[On
a creepily sunny day, Oblivia is jogging in the park when she trips over a
random rock, falls, and cuts her hand]
Oblivia:
Ow! Oh well. (Sucks the wound and jogs right past the
conveniently placed running-water bathroom)
Shadowy
Figure: (Peeking around a tree to watch her progress) Heh-heh, what a perfect victim.
Narrator:
She never imagined that danger lurks around every corner….
[In
an office, Oblivia is on the telephone while juggling papers]
Oblivia:
No, I said it was Thursday; why would I have said it was Wednesday when it
was Thursday? (Wipes runny nose
with her hand, sniffling loudly) No, I don’t have a cold, and that wouldn’t
make me think one day of the week and say another! (Sniffles louder and wipes her nose again)
That doesn’t change the fact that it was still Wednesday! I mean Thursday, argh!
Co-Worker:
(Holding out a tissue and a bottle of hand sanitizer to her) Please take these,
I’m begging you.
Oblivia:
Oh I’m good, thanks. (Wipes nose yet
again and returns to the call) Maybe you need a sick day for your
confusion!
Shadowy
Figure: (Leaning out from behind a tall office plant) This is too good.
Narrator:
Nowhere is safe, not even her own home….
[In
her apartment, Oblivia’s friend is reading a magazine in the kitchen. From the bathroom, the sound of a toilet
flush is heard; Oblivia immediately exits and heads to the kitchen to make a
sandwich]
Friend:
(Staring at her) Uhhhhh… did you wash your hands?
Oblivia:
What for? (Assembles the sandwich)
Friend
“What for?” You were just in the
bathroom!
Oblivia:
What’s your point? (Licks butter off
fingers)
Friend:
Ugh! Ah!
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! (Flings
away the magazine and runs out of the apartment, screaming all the way out of
the building)
Oblivia:
Weirdo. (Eats sandwich)
[Horror
music plays as Shadowy Figure emerges from the darkened hallway]
Shadowy
Figure: Hello there.
Oblivia:
(Mouth full of sandwich) How’d you get in here?
Front door’s that way. (Horror
music cuts off as she points behind her shoulder)
Shadowy
Figure: What? No, let me start over:
(Horror music resumes) I’ve been with you for ages now, following your every
move, and it’s about time I introduced myself.
(Hovers menacingly over her)
Oblivia:
I should say so – stalking someone without at least letting them know about it
is just plain rude.
Shadowy
Figure: Well, get used to me being here: since I’m your new best friend, you
can call me “Sep.”
Oblivia:
“Sept?” As in “seven?”
Shadowy
Figure: No, “Sep”-puh, it’s – forget it, I’m Sepsis.
Oblivia:
What the blazes does that even mean?
Shadowy
Figure: I am the culmination of basically all the infections, the end result
of their mass accumulation inside you.
(Pokes her shoulder, making her drop some potato chips onto the floor)
Oblivia:
Whatever dude, I’m having lunch right now so you can go accumulate inside
someone else until I’m done. (Picks up
the chips and eats them)
Shadowy
Figure: Now that’s just – see what you did right there?
Oblivia:
(Mouth full of chips) What, eat?
Shadowy
Figure: Eat food that had fallen on the filthy floor! Not to mention all those times you didn’t
disinfect the scores of cuts, scrapes, and other breaches of your primary
defense system! And don’t get me started
on the non-handwashing!
Oblivia:
Again with the handwashing: you people obsess over that way too much and should
mind your own business. (Brushes crumbs
onto the floor and licks fingers)
Shadowy
Figure: You fool, don’t you realize that with your every action YOU INVITED US
IN??!!
Oblivia:
Who’s “us?”
(Shadowy
Figure points to the living room where a whole host of Shadowy Figures are
lounging around)
Shadowy
Figures: Whaaaa s’up!
Oblivia:
Now how did you guys get in here?
Never mind, just get out now; I want to take a nap.
Shadowy
Figure: Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
(Horror music plays louder)
Oblivia:
Well you’re not, so I’m going to nap as much as I darn well please; all y’all
can lock the door on your way out, m’kay?
(Coughs a lot into her hand, then opens the door for them to leave)
Shadowy
Figure: (Points to her hand) You see!
It’s stuff like that that’s brought on your own DOOM!
Oblivia:
I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t feel particularly doomed. (Begins shivering)
Shadowy
Figure: (Pulls two other Shadowy Figures out from the crowd) You’ve got
influenza –
Influenza:
Hi! (Is pushed aside)
Shadowy
Figure: – and pneumonia –
Pneumonia:
Yo. (Is pushed aside)
Shadowy
Figure: – along with all of them –
(Waves at the rest, who wave back) – which weakened you completely, so now, you
have ME. (Lightning flashes and thunder
crashes, but there is no rain)
Oblivia:
(Starting to teeter) You, being Sepsis?
Sepsis:
The one and only. End of the line for
you, MWAHAHAHA! Unless you call 9-1-1
right now.
Shadowy
Figures: Booooo, hissssss!!
Oblivia:
(Pulls phone out of her pocket as she sinks to the floor) But… I never even
heard of you…
Shadowy
Figure: Never even – ?! I kill at least 270,000
people a year!
Oblivia:
Really?
Shadowy
Figure: Yeah. It’s very serious and
sad. (They stare at the floor for a
moment) Still want to be next?
Oblivia:
Ahhhh!!! (Dials 9-1-1)
[Cut
to Oblivia being wheeled out of a hospital]
Nurse:
You have your discharge instructions?
Oblivia:
Oh yes, and lots of these. (Holds up a
bag of hand sanitizers)
Nurse:
Good. Be well!
[Oblivia
is driven home by a relative and returns to her apartment bedroom. As she lies down, ominous music begins to
play; she opens her eyes to see Shadowy Figure standing there at the foot of the
bed]
Oblivia:
Now what?
Shadowy
Figure: I know you defeated me eventually and all that, but I just wanted to
let you know that I’m always here if you find yourself slipping up on the
hygiene bit again and – (Is cut off by Oblivia throwing a pillow at it)
Narrator:
Be sure to tune in next time for Chillingly Commonplace Horror Theatre
Presents: Jaywalking With Danger. Until then, pleasant dreams.
