Story 269: Not Another Christmas Album

Radio Host: Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in peace.  Now, our special guest today is that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In” thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!  Thank you for being here today, Wei!

Music Star: Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label appreciates it.

Radio Host: Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked, the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!

Music Star: Yes, I – five years?

Radio Host: So, as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question is this: Your new album.

            Music Star: …Yes?

           Radio Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate, to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New Year.

          Music Star: You would be correct.  None of those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.

          Radio Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?

            Music Star: I already did on my Web site.

            Radio Host: Humor them.

          Music Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”

            Radio Host: So whose idea was the album?

           Music Star: Um, kind of both?  I mean, she’s all, “Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?” and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’ Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses, they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,” and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas album,” and I’m all –

            Radio Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?

            Music Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.

            Radio Host: And New Year’s?

           Music Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of “Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of the inanity of it all put me to sleep.  I mean, where do you go from there?  People soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.

            Radio Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of all the other holidays?

          Music Star: Exactly.  And it would be all original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and possibly future.

            Radio Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.

            Music Star: Yep!  Wrote and recorded it all in a week.

            Radio Host: That’s… unbelievable.

            Music Star: Why thank you.  I do it all for the fans.

           Radio Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,” “We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh.  Bit of a repeat there.

             Music Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.

          Radio Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4^th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….

            Music Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all!  [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is heard]

            Radio Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be.  Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.

Story 268: Grab Bag-a-Palooza

            “Thank you all for being here today,” Manager said to the mini-gathering of employees in the tiny breakroom; everyone had a Santa Claus hat on their head, a glass of fake-nog in one hand, and/or a plate crammed full of wedding-cocktail-hour food in the other.  “I’m glad we could take a breather for five minutes to celebrate this most special time of year together.”

            The wall telephone beeped before a voice issued from it: “Can I come back there now?  The line’s out the door and I’m starving!”

           “We just started so you’re gonna have to hold down the fort until we get back!” Manager yelled.

            “But I’m the only one on the register and the customers are getting hypocritically rowdy!  I’m calling the union rep!”

            “You knew there was no union when you were hired!”

            The voice became distant: “Yes, sir, someone will be up to assist shortly… and bless you,” then muttered, “&@$!@^#.”  The voice resumed its previous volume: “They’re going to start walking out and taking half the store with them, I just know it!”

            “So be it,” Manager said, lifting the phone receiver and hanging up as “But – ” was heard.  Turning back to the group: “Now – who wants to do the Grab Bag?”

            The others leapt up: “Ooh, me, me, me!!!”

            They drew numbers for who would go in what order.

            “I’ll take… this one!”  Co-Worker 1 grabbed the biggest wrapped box and tore the paper apart in a frenzy.  The box itself was blank; upon opening it, Co-Worker 1 dug through the massive piles of tissue paper to reach the bottom, where a No. 2 pencil lay.  Co-Worker 1 held it up in the air: “The #*$$?!”

Co-Worker 4 cackled evilly, pointing at the pencil.  “Gets `em every time!”

Manager glared at Co-Worker 4: “You’re expelled from Grab Bag.”

“No fair, I paid good money for those trimmings!”  Co-Worker 4 whined.  “Besides, you said $25 maximum, not $25 minimum!”

“You want a gift?” Co-Worker 1 said before throwing the pencil at Co-Worker 4, who ducked.  “Consider that your steal!”

“No fair!”

“All right, all right, let’s keep this moving,” Manager brushed them aside.  “Second person pick now, please.”

“No fair!” Co-Worker 1 said.

“The next one to say that can join our friend at the register.”

“I retract my statement.”       

Co-Worker 2 grabbed a gift bag that had a menorah decoration on it and immediately dove in.  “Let’s see, I think I’ll go for this one, wonder what it could be – ?”  A menorah was taken out of the bag.  “Aw, you guys, how’d you know I needed a new one for Hanukkah next year, you’re the best!”

“Isn’t that the bag you brought?” Co-Worker 1 accused.

“Who cares?” Manager asked rhetorically.  “Next!”

Co-Worker 3 grabbed a sizeable box and ripped off the wrapping paper: “Wowwwww, a drone!”

Manager smiled smugly: “Well, we all could use a drone these days.”

“Steal!”  Co-Worker 4 reached over to grab it.

Manager pulled back on Co-Worker 4’s collar: “You’re still expelled.”

Co-Worker 1 grabbed the box from Co-Worker 3: “My steal, then!”

Co-Worker 3 slumped and grumbled: “Maybe I’ll just steal it for real later.”

“What?”  Co-Worker 1 asked.

“What?”  Co-Worker 3 asked.

“All right, my turn,” Manager said, grabbing a super-tiny box and delicately opening it.  “O Holy Night, are these actual diamonds?!”

The wall telephone beeped again: “I’ve waited long enough – who’s the lucky person who got the diamonds?”

“Uh – I did.”

“So… I’d say those’d be worth a little something, oh I don’t know, maybe a break from register on the busiest shopping day of the year – ” Manager lifted the phone receiver and hung up.

“All right, finish up and get out of here,” Manager said while stashing the box into the store’s safe.  “We’re losing thousands of dollars in sales by the minute while I’m being all thoughtful to people I don’t care about outside this place.”

“But I still need to pick one – ” Co-Worker 3 reached for a wrapped present in the shape of skis.

“Do it on your own time – the magic is over – get back to that disaster out there and pretend to be merry and bright while you’re at it!  Oh, and Happy All-the-Holidays: our hours are getting cut in January.”

“Aw, man!” was the chorus.

The wall telephone beeped again: “Guys, they’re starting to organize themselves into a Black Friday stampede here: any chance of, you know, actually COMING BACK TO THE SALES FLOOR ANYTIME SOON?!”

“Such a Scrooge,” Co-Worker 2 mumbled.

Story 267: Cross-Country Obstacle Course

            (At an outdoor track at a high school, the Commentator stands by the starting line, bundled in a padded coat and pants with most of the face covered by a hood and scarf)

           Commentator: (Speaks in a slightly muffled voice) Welcome, everyone, to our 2^nd Annual National Charitable Seasonal Cross-Country Obstacle Course.  Apparently last year’s event, which was deliberately scheduled for the coldest day of the year making the contestants on-call for three months, was seen as not “challenging” enough by our viewers, SO, this year the event has been moved to the northernmost point of Canada, and the organizers have arranged for things to be a bit more "interesting."  

            (The five runners arrive at the starting line, constantly running in place and swinging their arms; they all are wearing shorts and tank tops)

            Commentator: Now, the race will begin at this deceptively simple track here, but after one revolution the contestants will continue to parts unknown.  (The starting gun fires) And they’re off!  Look at their combined breath – it’s a veritable fog out there!

            (The runners make it halfway through the course before one trips over the streak of ice that is its own track)

            Commentator: Oh quick, get up!  Get up!  (The runner’s arms and legs are stuck to the ground) Ooh, bad luck there, chum: didn’t even make it out of the first leg, and can’t even wave for help.  Let’s see how the others are doing, shall we?

            (Hops onto a golf cart, which take a few tries to start.  The remaining four runners had departed the track and entered the woods)

             Commentator: Now, here is the portion of the race the organizers titled “A Walk in the Park,” those sadistic – anyway, the runners here will encounter typical obstacles one would on a normal walk in the park.  You’ll get what I mean in a minute.

            (As the runners navigate the trails, several civilians jog up to them and start throwing trash in their way)

           Jogger 1: Finished my sport drink – don’t need this anymore!  (Tosses a bunch of plastic bottles onto the trail that the runners have to leap over)

            Jogger 2: Tissues!  Who wants tissues?  We’ve got tissues here!  (Sprinkles tissues all over the runners, who freak out)

            Jogger 3: Need a plastic bag?  I’ve got PLENTY!  (Shoots bags from a T-shirt launcher over the runners’ heads; the runners try to bat them away)

          Commentator: Nice avoidance form, mates – what’s this?  Seems Runner #3 is lagging behind!  (Commentator steers the cart over to Runner 3, who has been picking up all the garbage that now is strewn across the trail)

            Commentator: (In a low voice) We’ve got employees to do that.

            Runner 3: I can’t just leave it!  That’s contributing to the all-consuming problem!

          Commentator: (To the camera) Ah, the downside of competing in an event like this when you’re head of the local Nature Conservancy chapter.  (Shakes head as the joggers dump more trash around Runner 3)

            (Farther ahead, the path has been swallowed up by enormous pools of slushy water)

            Commentator: Now, the challenge here lies in the fact that there is no good way around these things – the grass on either side of the path has turned to swampland and the nearest road is a mile away.  Let’s see how they get on, shall we?

            (The three remaining runners begin to cross the water but soon are in up to their necks.  One runner begins swimming, then is assisted out of the water as their limbs immobilize; the other two exit the water, grab a fallen log, and hop on that to paddle across to the side where the path resurfaces)

            Commentator: It’s always lovely when competitors temporarily use teamwork.  However, since they didn’t actually run in that portion, I’m afraid it doesn’t count.  What?  (Listens to earpiece) Oh.  I was just informed by the organizers that we can’t disqualify all our contestants, so they’ll allow it.

            (The trail leads the two runners out of the woods onto a highway)

            Commentator: Let’s see if this doesn’t get the old heart racing, as we wait for our remaining contestants to cross the street.  This section of the course has been designed as a replica of the Arc de Triomphe Roundabout, complete with six unmarked lanes of traffic.

           (The two runners start, stop, start, dodge, weave, leap, zig, zag, soar, backflip, vault, and tumble through the constant stream of cars to reach the center of the circle.  They both make it, but Runner 4 looks back over the course they just traversed, and faints)

           Commentator: Ooh, so close.  Looks like Runner # 2 is our sole victor, and there’s still another half of the course to go.

            Runner 2: What?!

           Commentator: You heard me!  Now get to your dog sled!  (Runner 2 is hitched to a dog sled and pulls it through the other side of the traffic circle, with no sled driver and no dogs) With any luck, we should reach Alaska by tomorrow!  Tune in at the same time that day – that’s when the fun really begins!