Story 269: Not Another Christmas Album

Radio Host: Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in peace.  Now, our special guest today is that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In” thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!  Thank you for being here today, Wei!

Music Star: Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label appreciates it.

Radio Host: Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked, the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!

Music Star: Yes, I – five years?

Radio Host: So, as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question is this: Your new album.

            Music Star: …Yes?

           Radio Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate, to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New Year.

          Music Star: You would be correct.  None of those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.

          Radio Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?

            Music Star: I already did on my Web site.

            Radio Host: Humor them.

          Music Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”

            Radio Host: So whose idea was the album?

           Music Star: Um, kind of both?  I mean, she’s all, “Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?” and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’ Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses, they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,” and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas album,” and I’m all –

            Radio Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?

            Music Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.

            Radio Host: And New Year’s?

           Music Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of “Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of the inanity of it all put me to sleep.  I mean, where do you go from there?  People soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.

            Radio Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of all the other holidays?

          Music Star: Exactly.  And it would be all original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and possibly future.

            Radio Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.

            Music Star: Yep!  Wrote and recorded it all in a week.

            Radio Host: That’s… unbelievable.

            Music Star: Why thank you.  I do it all for the fans.

           Radio Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,” “We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh.  Bit of a repeat there.

             Music Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.

          Radio Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4^th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….

            Music Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all!  [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is heard]

            Radio Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be.  Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.