Story 268: Grab Bag-a-Palooza

            “Thank you all for being here today,” Manager said to the mini-gathering of employees in the tiny breakroom; everyone had a Santa Claus hat on their head, a glass of fake-nog in one hand, and/or a plate crammed full of wedding-cocktail-hour food in the other.  “I’m glad we could take a breather for five minutes to celebrate this most special time of year together.”

            The wall telephone beeped before a voice issued from it: “Can I come back there now?  The line’s out the door and I’m starving!”

           “We just started so you’re gonna have to hold down the fort until we get back!” Manager yelled.

            “But I’m the only one on the register and the customers are getting hypocritically rowdy!  I’m calling the union rep!”

            “You knew there was no union when you were hired!”

            The voice became distant: “Yes, sir, someone will be up to assist shortly… and bless you,” then muttered, “&@$!@^#.”  The voice resumed its previous volume: “They’re going to start walking out and taking half the store with them, I just know it!”

            “So be it,” Manager said, lifting the phone receiver and hanging up as “But – ” was heard.  Turning back to the group: “Now – who wants to do the Grab Bag?”

            The others leapt up: “Ooh, me, me, me!!!”

            They drew numbers for who would go in what order.

            “I’ll take… this one!”  Co-Worker 1 grabbed the biggest wrapped box and tore the paper apart in a frenzy.  The box itself was blank; upon opening it, Co-Worker 1 dug through the massive piles of tissue paper to reach the bottom, where a No. 2 pencil lay.  Co-Worker 1 held it up in the air: “The #*$$?!”

Co-Worker 4 cackled evilly, pointing at the pencil.  “Gets `em every time!”

Manager glared at Co-Worker 4: “You’re expelled from Grab Bag.”

“No fair, I paid good money for those trimmings!”  Co-Worker 4 whined.  “Besides, you said $25 maximum, not $25 minimum!”

“You want a gift?” Co-Worker 1 said before throwing the pencil at Co-Worker 4, who ducked.  “Consider that your steal!”

“No fair!”

“All right, all right, let’s keep this moving,” Manager brushed them aside.  “Second person pick now, please.”

“No fair!” Co-Worker 1 said.

“The next one to say that can join our friend at the register.”

“I retract my statement.”       

Co-Worker 2 grabbed a gift bag that had a menorah decoration on it and immediately dove in.  “Let’s see, I think I’ll go for this one, wonder what it could be – ?”  A menorah was taken out of the bag.  “Aw, you guys, how’d you know I needed a new one for Hanukkah next year, you’re the best!”

“Isn’t that the bag you brought?” Co-Worker 1 accused.

“Who cares?” Manager asked rhetorically.  “Next!”

Co-Worker 3 grabbed a sizeable box and ripped off the wrapping paper: “Wowwwww, a drone!”

Manager smiled smugly: “Well, we all could use a drone these days.”

“Steal!”  Co-Worker 4 reached over to grab it.

Manager pulled back on Co-Worker 4’s collar: “You’re still expelled.”

Co-Worker 1 grabbed the box from Co-Worker 3: “My steal, then!”

Co-Worker 3 slumped and grumbled: “Maybe I’ll just steal it for real later.”

“What?”  Co-Worker 1 asked.

“What?”  Co-Worker 3 asked.

“All right, my turn,” Manager said, grabbing a super-tiny box and delicately opening it.  “O Holy Night, are these actual diamonds?!”

The wall telephone beeped again: “I’ve waited long enough – who’s the lucky person who got the diamonds?”

“Uh – I did.”

“So… I’d say those’d be worth a little something, oh I don’t know, maybe a break from register on the busiest shopping day of the year – ” Manager lifted the phone receiver and hung up.

“All right, finish up and get out of here,” Manager said while stashing the box into the store’s safe.  “We’re losing thousands of dollars in sales by the minute while I’m being all thoughtful to people I don’t care about outside this place.”

“But I still need to pick one – ” Co-Worker 3 reached for a wrapped present in the shape of skis.

“Do it on your own time – the magic is over – get back to that disaster out there and pretend to be merry and bright while you’re at it!  Oh, and Happy All-the-Holidays: our hours are getting cut in January.”

“Aw, man!” was the chorus.

The wall telephone beeped again: “Guys, they’re starting to organize themselves into a Black Friday stampede here: any chance of, you know, actually COMING BACK TO THE SALES FLOOR ANYTIME SOON?!”

“Such a Scrooge,” Co-Worker 2 mumbled.