Story 348: Race Around the World: Venice Edition

            (Announcer is standing on a gondola at the northwestern end of the Grand Canal)

           Announcer: Welcome, folks, to today’s installment of Race Around the World.  As you may have guessed by my surroundings, we are, in fact, in Venice – and not Little Venice in London, either: Actual Venice.  You can see on the Constitution Bridge behind me our four contestants are lined up and ready to begin their trek through the alleyways that are the closest things to pedestrian streets in this slowly sinking city, to emerge triumphant in Saint Mark’s Square – Piazza San Marco, if you want to be local – and collapse in the midst of the pigeons there.  They each must take a different route and all have been given maps, else we may never see any of them again.  And they’re off!  (The contestants run across the bridge; Announcer addresses the gondolier) Driver, take me down-canal!  (The gondolier begins rowing; Announcer falls onto the bottom of the gondola at the first lurch) Folks, the rest of this race will be brought to you by drone.

            (Contestants 1-4 run together until race officials direct each of them down a different street; drones follow as they separate)

            Announcer: (Voiceover) Contestant 3 is having a good start: that one got the route with signs directing tourists to the Piazza, so that’s a “Whoops” on the part of whoever scouted this locale.  (Contestant 3 stops short on the edge of a street that dead-ends onto a canal) Ah, the pitfalls of turning right when one should have turned left, then looped around that ancient church, then turned right: common beginner’s mistake.

        (Contestant 2 runs while holding the map in front of their face, zigging and zagging purposefully)

            Announcer: (V.O.) Ooh, this one shows promise: heading in the correct direction, crossing 25 canals already, making steady progress while refusing to be distracted by the fabulous ristoranti with their menus tantalizingly set out right in front – (Contestant 2 runs off the street into a canal) – guess misread that logo on the map: the bridge was a bit to the left there.  (Contestant 2 swims out of the canal and climbs back onto the street; the map is soaked) That’s too bad; maybe there’re some signs here to cheat with?  We’ll check back later.

            (Contestant 4 has traced a circuitous route for some time)

           Announcer: (V.O.) Ah, poor Contestant 4: back at the train station yet again.  At this point, just follow the Grand Canal, darling.  (Contestant 4 throws down the map, climbs up the side of a building, and begins leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop in a southeasterly direction) Is that allowed?... Well, nothing in the rules say contestants can’t do that, so let’s see how this pans out.

            (Contestant 1 arrives at the Rialto Bridge)

           Announcer: (V.O.) And here we have our first contestant reaching the last major checkpoint on the course – and look, Contestant 3 is not far behind!  This is getting exciting.

          (Contestant 1 reaches the far side of the bridge and hesitates turning right or going straight down the rest of the steps, staring at the map; Contestant 3 barrels past, nearly knocking over Contestant 1)

           Announcer: (V.O.) This section of the city has signs all over the place, so if you miss them then really, that’s on you.

            (Contestant 1 starts running again, catching up to Contestant 3; they try to pass each other but keep bouncing off the buildings that line the streets)

           Announcer: (V.O.) While those two are having fun, let’s check back in on our damp Contestant 2.  (Cut to Contestant 2, who is sitting at an outdoor café eating gelato and listening to a four-piece band) Never mind.  How about Contestant 4?  (Cut to Contestant 4, still parkouring across rooftops and now approaching the Piazza from the east)  Seems to have veered off a bit but is making excellent time trying to course-correct.  (Contestants 1 and 3 continuously shove each other as they approach from the north) Oh my, this is a close one: if none of them are disqualified for their behavior, we could quite possibly have a three-way tie.  (Contestant 4 leaps onto one of the roofs of St. Mark’s Basilica, vaults off the four horses on the front balcony, and slides down the side of the building to stumble onto the ground at the same moment that Contestants 1 and 3 mutually shove themselves into the Piazza from the opposite side.  The three stare at each other through the hordes of pigeons) Oh dear.  We never did set an actual final endpoint within the Piazza itself for this.  Judges?  (As the judges confer, Contestants 1, 3, and 4 suddenly start running toward the south entrance of the Piazza; all three reach it at the same time, continue running, and simultaneously leap off the street into the mouth of the Grand Canal, swimming toward the Island of San Giorgio Maggiore)  Well.  It seems they have an unspoken agreement amongst themselves.  Whatever race they have going on right now is outside our purview – the judges have decided it’s a three-way tie, but I think the true winner here is Contestant 2, wouldn’t you agree?  (Cut to Announcer eating gelato with Contestant 2 at the outdoor café) As for me, I’ve had enough: I’m going to sit back and enjoy Venice now, and maybe I’ll see the rest of you in our next installment of Race Around the World.  However, that one is set for Wildwood, New Jersey, so I’ll have to think long and hard before I commit to it.

Story 267: Cross-Country Obstacle Course

            (At an outdoor track at a high school, the Commentator stands by the starting line, bundled in a padded coat and pants with most of the face covered by a hood and scarf)

           Commentator: (Speaks in a slightly muffled voice) Welcome, everyone, to our 2^nd Annual National Charitable Seasonal Cross-Country Obstacle Course.  Apparently last year’s event, which was deliberately scheduled for the coldest day of the year making the contestants on-call for three months, was seen as not “challenging” enough by our viewers, SO, this year the event has been moved to the northernmost point of Canada, and the organizers have arranged for things to be a bit more "interesting."  

            (The five runners arrive at the starting line, constantly running in place and swinging their arms; they all are wearing shorts and tank tops)

            Commentator: Now, the race will begin at this deceptively simple track here, but after one revolution the contestants will continue to parts unknown.  (The starting gun fires) And they’re off!  Look at their combined breath – it’s a veritable fog out there!

            (The runners make it halfway through the course before one trips over the streak of ice that is its own track)

            Commentator: Oh quick, get up!  Get up!  (The runner’s arms and legs are stuck to the ground) Ooh, bad luck there, chum: didn’t even make it out of the first leg, and can’t even wave for help.  Let’s see how the others are doing, shall we?

            (Hops onto a golf cart, which take a few tries to start.  The remaining four runners had departed the track and entered the woods)

             Commentator: Now, here is the portion of the race the organizers titled “A Walk in the Park,” those sadistic – anyway, the runners here will encounter typical obstacles one would on a normal walk in the park.  You’ll get what I mean in a minute.

            (As the runners navigate the trails, several civilians jog up to them and start throwing trash in their way)

           Jogger 1: Finished my sport drink – don’t need this anymore!  (Tosses a bunch of plastic bottles onto the trail that the runners have to leap over)

            Jogger 2: Tissues!  Who wants tissues?  We’ve got tissues here!  (Sprinkles tissues all over the runners, who freak out)

            Jogger 3: Need a plastic bag?  I’ve got PLENTY!  (Shoots bags from a T-shirt launcher over the runners’ heads; the runners try to bat them away)

          Commentator: Nice avoidance form, mates – what’s this?  Seems Runner #3 is lagging behind!  (Commentator steers the cart over to Runner 3, who has been picking up all the garbage that now is strewn across the trail)

            Commentator: (In a low voice) We’ve got employees to do that.

            Runner 3: I can’t just leave it!  That’s contributing to the all-consuming problem!

          Commentator: (To the camera) Ah, the downside of competing in an event like this when you’re head of the local Nature Conservancy chapter.  (Shakes head as the joggers dump more trash around Runner 3)

            (Farther ahead, the path has been swallowed up by enormous pools of slushy water)

            Commentator: Now, the challenge here lies in the fact that there is no good way around these things – the grass on either side of the path has turned to swampland and the nearest road is a mile away.  Let’s see how they get on, shall we?

            (The three remaining runners begin to cross the water but soon are in up to their necks.  One runner begins swimming, then is assisted out of the water as their limbs immobilize; the other two exit the water, grab a fallen log, and hop on that to paddle across to the side where the path resurfaces)

            Commentator: It’s always lovely when competitors temporarily use teamwork.  However, since they didn’t actually run in that portion, I’m afraid it doesn’t count.  What?  (Listens to earpiece) Oh.  I was just informed by the organizers that we can’t disqualify all our contestants, so they’ll allow it.

            (The trail leads the two runners out of the woods onto a highway)

            Commentator: Let’s see if this doesn’t get the old heart racing, as we wait for our remaining contestants to cross the street.  This section of the course has been designed as a replica of the Arc de Triomphe Roundabout, complete with six unmarked lanes of traffic.

           (The two runners start, stop, start, dodge, weave, leap, zig, zag, soar, backflip, vault, and tumble through the constant stream of cars to reach the center of the circle.  They both make it, but Runner 4 looks back over the course they just traversed, and faints)

           Commentator: Ooh, so close.  Looks like Runner # 2 is our sole victor, and there’s still another half of the course to go.

            Runner 2: What?!

           Commentator: You heard me!  Now get to your dog sled!  (Runner 2 is hitched to a dog sled and pulls it through the other side of the traffic circle, with no sled driver and no dogs) With any luck, we should reach Alaska by tomorrow!  Tune in at the same time that day – that’s when the fun really begins!