“Hello everyone, you’re listening to Generic Radio Show,
broadcasting live on W@!$ 1234.5, and in case you missed the announcement
earlier, today is that greatest of holidays, National Lazy Day! Yes folks, for one day only, everyone has
carte blanche to do absolutely nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, niente, and, my
personal favorite, bupkis. Aside from
the poor saps who have to work to save lives or care for loved ones or earn a
living or whatever, today is also Saturday so the rest of you have the
permission of the nebulous ‘They’ out there to lie around and not stir a single
muscle for a solid 24 hours! Unless you
have a medical condition where you already have limited-to-zero mobility, in which
case, my condolences. For everyone else,
revel in your best impersonation of a lump on a log! I myself am broadcasting this show lounging
on a float in the middle of my in-ground pool, soaking up the rays, watching
the gently lapping waves, and being extra, extra careful with the
equipment. So laze on, my people, laze
on! And now, a word from our sponsors.”
She
hauled the vacuum, mop, broom, and bottles and bottles of cleaner from
out of the seldom-opened supply closet. It
was a mild summer morning that threatened to evolve into a sweltering summer
afternoon, so she started early enough at one end of the house, spraying,
wiping, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping again as she methodically
advanced, room by room.
Air
conditioning and fans were turned on by Hour Two, but they could not keep up
with her overworked sweat glands so she opened all the windows. Alas, not a breeze stirred, and the sweat
continued to pour.
In
the laundry room by Hour Three, she turned on the radio to distract from her
battle with the dust bunnies and long-lost clothing, at last recovered from
underneath the washing machine and dryer where they had mischievously hidden
themselves untold ages ago.
“–
Day, continuing onward into the afternoon now, so I hope you’re all having a
great time doing ab-so-bloomin’-lute-ly noth-”
“What
the blazes is this?!” Using a clothes
hanger, she pulled out what appeared to be a long string of dust-connected
clothes from underneath the dryer. She
tried shaking it off into a garbage can, but the dust clung on mightily: “Ew,
ew, ewwww!!!”
By
Hour Five, she had reached the last room and vacuumed the carpet nearly off the
floor, having to stop twice to empty the dirt canister.
Finally
finished, she slumped into the living room and belly-flopped onto the couch:
“That’s the last time I wait two years to clean the house.”
She heard a
distant noise and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio before
vacuuming the last room.
“Well
folks, that about wraps up this segment of the station’s programming. I’ve been on the air almost thrice as many
hours as I am normally, just to be with you all during this wonderful,
fantabulous, majestic day of days. About
two hours ago I moved on from the pool and am now ensconced in my soft, cushy
hammock, watching the clouds drifting by, the butterflies fluttering by, the
bees buzzing along, the birds eating them all, and the grass growing. I’m also breathing in the pleasant scent of
lavender as a mild breeze wafts this way every so often, breaking up the
comforting heat just a bit. I also-also
have a nice cool glass of not-too-sour, not-too-sweet lemonade that I’m going
to set down right now, since I feel a nap coming on. Welp, I see it’s almost 4:00, so this show is
over, <yawwwwwnnnn>, I’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled
programming, but in the meantime, I hope you all continue to relax with me on
this, National Lazy Day. Bye, bye, bye,
<snoooorrrreeee>.”
Her eyes flew
open: “WHAT?!”
