(At
an outdoor track at a high school, the Commentator stands by the starting line,
bundled in a padded coat and pants with most of the face covered by a hood and
scarf)
Commentator:
(Speaks in a slightly muffled voice) Welcome, everyone, to our 2nd
Annual National Charitable Seasonal Cross-Country Obstacle Course. Apparently last year’s event, which was
deliberately scheduled for the coldest day of the year making the contestants
on-call for three months, was seen as not “challenging” enough by our viewers,
SO, this year the event has been moved to the northernmost point of
Canada, and the organizers have arranged for things to be a bit more "interesting."
(The
five runners arrive at the starting line, constantly running in place and
swinging their arms; they all are wearing shorts and tank tops)
Commentator:
Now, the race will begin at this deceptively simple track here, but after one
revolution the contestants will continue to parts unknown. (The starting gun fires) And they’re
off! Look at their combined breath – it’s
a veritable fog out there!
(The
runners make it halfway through the course before one trips over the streak of
ice that is its own track)
Commentator:
Oh quick, get up! Get up! (The runner’s arms and legs are stuck to the
ground) Ooh, bad luck there, chum: didn’t even make it out of the first leg,
and can’t even wave for help. Let’s see
how the others are doing, shall we?
(Hops
onto a golf cart, which take a few tries to start. The remaining four runners had departed the
track and entered the woods)
Commentator:
Now, here is the portion of the race the organizers titled “A Walk in the Park,”
those sadistic – anyway, the runners here will encounter typical obstacles one
would on a normal walk in the park. You’ll
get what I mean in a minute.
(As
the runners navigate the trails, several civilians jog up to them and start
throwing trash in their way)
Jogger
1: Finished my sport drink – don’t need this anymore! (Tosses a bunch of plastic bottles onto the trail
that the runners have to leap over)
Jogger
2: Tissues! Who wants tissues? We’ve got tissues here! (Sprinkles tissues all over the runners, who freak out)
Jogger
3: Need a plastic bag? I’ve got
PLENTY! (Shoots bags from a T-shirt launcher over the runners’ heads; the runners try to bat them away)
Commentator:
Nice avoidance form, mates – what’s this?
Seems Runner #3 is lagging behind!
(Commentator steers the cart over to Runner 3, who has been picking up
all the garbage that now is strewn across the trail)
Commentator:
(In a low voice) We’ve got employees to do that.
Runner
3: I can’t just leave it! That’s contributing
to the all-consuming problem!
Commentator:
(To the camera) Ah, the downside of competing in an event like this when you’re
head of the local Nature Conservancy chapter.
(Shakes head as the joggers dump more trash around Runner 3)
(Farther
ahead, the path has been swallowed up by enormous pools of slushy water)
Commentator:
Now, the challenge here lies in the fact that there is no good way around these
things – the grass on either side of the path has turned to swampland and the
nearest road is a mile away. Let’s see
how they get on, shall we?
(The
three remaining runners begin to cross the water but soon are in up to their
necks. One runner begins swimming, then
is assisted out of the water as their limbs immobilize; the other two exit the
water, grab a fallen log, and hop on that to paddle across to the side where
the path resurfaces)
Commentator:
It’s always lovely when competitors temporarily use teamwork. However, since they didn’t actually run
in that portion, I’m afraid it doesn’t count.
What? (Listens to earpiece)
Oh. I was just informed by the
organizers that we can’t disqualify all our contestants, so they’ll
allow it.
(The
trail leads the two runners out of the woods onto a highway)
Commentator:
Let’s see if this doesn’t get the old heart racing, as we wait for our
remaining contestants to cross the street.
This section of the course has been designed as a replica of the Arc de
Triomphe Roundabout, complete with six unmarked lanes of traffic.
(The
two runners start, stop, start, dodge, weave, leap, zig, zag, soar, backflip,
vault, and tumble through the constant stream of cars to reach the center of
the circle. They both make it, but
Runner 4 looks back over the course they just traversed, and faints)
Commentator:
Ooh, so close. Looks like Runner # 2 is
our sole victor, and there’s still another half of the course to go.
Runner
2: What?!
Commentator:
You heard me! Now get to your dog sled! (Runner 2 is hitched to a dog sled and pulls
it through the other side of the traffic circle, with no sled driver and no dogs)
With any luck, we should reach Alaska by tomorrow! Tune in at the same time that day – that’s when
the fun really begins!
