Radio Host:
Aaaaand welcome back to “Myron in the Morning,” with me, your host, Asha – once
again, our thoughts and prayers are with Myron’s family, may he rest in
peace. Now, our special guest today is
that top recording artist, that angel on guitar and zither, that current “In”
thing himself, Mr. Wei Schwartzman!
Thank you for being here today, Wei!
Music Star:
Thank you for having me on the show to promote my material, Asha – the label
appreciates it.
Radio Host:
Heh-heh, yes, normally we here at the studio are off the entire week between
Christmas and New Year’s while the robot servants run the repeats, BUT since
this was the only day in the next five years where you weren’t already booked,
the producers simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so here we all are!
Music Star: Yes,
I – five years?
Radio Host: So,
as I am currently not relaxing on a beach in Brazil, my first question
is this: Your new album.
Music
Star: …Yes?
Radio
Host: It has got to be the first album ever, as far as the Internet can locate,
to be released during the winter holiday season and focus entirely on every
other holiday of the year except for Christmas, Hanukkah, and/or the Roman New
Year.
Music
Star: You would be correct. None of
those three are mentioned at all, not even obliquely.
Radio
Host: That seems to be a conscious choice – could you explain to our listeners
your reasoning behind why you would do such a thing?
Music
Star: I already did on my Web site.
Radio
Host: Humor them.
Music
Star: Oh, um, well, it all started after my tenth album came out and my manager’s
like, “So what’s next?” and I’m like, “Uh, vacation?” and she’s like, “That’s
hilarious,” and I’m like, “I’m really tired,” and she’s like, “You want to stay
a star forever or not?!” and I’m like, “Well now that you ask – ”
Radio
Host: So whose idea was the album?
Music
Star: Um, kind of both? I mean, she’s all,
“Let’s do a Christmas album!” and I’m all “Let’s not,” and she’s all, “Why not?”
and I’m all, “Because every single person on this planet has done a flippin’
Christmas album, the market’s saturated, plus I’m Jewish, so, whaaat?” and she’s
all, “Who cares, just do a few jingle bells and sleigh rides and Santa Clauses,
they’ll eat it right up,” and I’m all, “Now that’s just crass: the season’s about
the birth of your Savior and yet the entire industry managed to make it BORING,”
and she’s all, “That would be a Church album, I’m talking about a Christmas
album,” and I’m all –
Radio
Host: So why not do a Hanukkah album, then?
Music
Star: You know, I recorded a few songs, but when I actually listened to them I
realized my Hebrew sounded terrible and would have just marred the holiday.
Radio
Host: And New Year’s?
Music
Star: I did toy with the idea of filling the album with 20 variations of
“Auld Lang Syne” just to freak people out, but tossed it when the mere thought of
the inanity of it all put me to sleep. I
mean, where do you go from there? People
soon would start hating New Year’s, and me.
Radio
Host: And that’s when you were struck with the inspiration of doing an album of
all the other holidays?
Music
Star: Exactly. And it would be all
original music, covering every holiday known to humanity, past, present, and
possibly future.
Radio
Host: Which is why the album is 5,075 songs on 205 discs.
Music
Star: Yep! Wrote and recorded it all in
a week.
Radio
Host: That’s… unbelievable.
Music
Star: Why thank you. I do it all for the
fans.
Radio
Host: I especially like how the first few discs cover those holidays that we
all hear about but never properly acknowledge in popular music, with such songs as “Have Yourself a Blessed Eid al-Fitr,” “The Seven Days of Kwanzaa,”
“We Wish You a Solemn Yom Kippur and a Happy Rosh Hashanah,” “O Holy Diwali,”
and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Michelmas” – oh. Bit of a repeat there.
Music
Star: Hey, it was as the spirit moved me.
Radio
Host: I see you also have songs for the U.S. federal holidays such as Memorial
Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, and Election Day, in addition to those
of other countries that I could go over, let’s see….
Music
Star: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I got every last one, love all, serve all! [Head falls onto the desk and snoring is
heard]
Radio
Host: Shucks, I was going to ask what his next album will be. Well folks, I guess that means that’s all the
time we have for today – thank you for joining us here at
currently-still-called “Myron in the Morning”; have a Happy New Year; could
somebody here please help this guy; I’m going to Brazil.
