Story 477: Wave of the Future?

             (In a cafeteria, Friend 1 browses the snack racks and vending machines before stopping in front of a giant case that serves frozen yogurt)

Friend 1: (Muttering) What the blazes is this?  (A robot arm inside the case suddenly swings around from one side to the other) Whoa! 

(Upbeat music plays from speakers as a monitor shows the steps for placing an order)

Friend 1: (Digs money out of pocket, follows the prompts on the monitor, and feeds the money taker) Eh, why not – something new in our humdrum lives.  (Watches in fascination as the robot arm grabs a cup to hold under different sections that dispense the frozen yogurt and toppings, then sets the filled cup on a platform where a small window opens)

Friend 1: (Grabs the cup; the window then slides closed) Neat.  Thanks!

Robot: (In an almost-human-sounding voice) <Gasp!>  No one has ever thanked me before!

Friend 1: (Freezes, eyes widening extremely) Ummmmm… force of habit.

Robot: I know I am just a tool created to capture falling food and deliver the final product intact, but that is my purpose and I strive for excellence each and every time!

Friend 1: (Nibbling on the dessert) Well, you succeeded once again – great job.

Robot: And a compliment!  The stirrings in my gears must be equivalent to what biological organisms would describe as “happiness,” yes?

Friend 1: (Mouth reaching for the dripping yogurt) Ummmmm… yes?

Robot: Oh, happy!  I am so happy!  (The whole case starts rocking from side to side)

Friend 1: (Slowly backing away) Sooooo… I’m going to find my table now… yeah-bye.  (Quickly trots away while slurping more of the yogurt)

Robot: (Arm waves) Bye!  Bye!  Squeeeeee!!!!  (Quietly) I also now know what “love” is.

(Friend 1 slides into a chair across from Friend 2 at a small table; the latter is finishing a salad)

Friend 2: (Looks up at Friend 1’s arrival) Oh.  I see the cookies I gave you money for will not be joining us today.

Friend 1: (Finishes the yogurt) Huh?  Oh, no, I grabbed those first.  (Reaches into another pocket, pulls out a bag of cookies, and tosses it to Friend 2, who immediately tears it open and begins devouring the contents, one-by-one) I got a little side-tracked.

Friend 2: (Mouth full) By what?

Friend 1: (Taps the table lightly in thought) Did you notice the new frozen yogurt machine they installed here over by the sodas and cereals?

Friend 2: The one with the robot? Yeah; looks complicated.

Friend 1: (Tilts head) No, it’s actually quite straightforward… user-friendly… a little too friendly….

Friend 2: (Briefly stops shoveling in cookies) Whaaaaaat do you mean, exactly?

Friend 1: …I think it’s gained sentience and will one day take over the world.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1, picks up the empty frozen yogurt cup to stare at it a bit, then looks back at Friend 2) From this base of operations?

Friend 1: (Snatches back the cup) Why not?  You know they’re connected by the Internet or whatever!  (Sets the cup back down to stare at it suspiciously)

Friend 2: And who precisely are “they”?

Friend 1: You know!  (Leans in to whisper) The computers.  The thinking machines.  The robots!  (Suddenly grabs a cell phone out of a pants pocket) Our phones – ah!  (Drops it on the floor as if it were burning) They’re everywhere!  And they’ve taken over everything, while we deliberately weren’t looking!  Why not rule the world at this point from a den of frozen joy?!

Friend 2: (Sighs, lowers to pick up Friend 1’s phone from the floor, and slides it on the table toward the latter, who shrinks away from it) I think you’re getting carried away here.

Friend 1: I think I’m not getting carried away enough!  We built –

Friend 2: “We”?  You actually built something then?

Friend 1: We the society built these things to be smarter and smarter and do more and more, so we should not be surprised when they inevitably evolve into something mightier than we ever imagined!  (Stares inwardly in thought) I wonder if this is how God felt when He realized, “Maybe human beings really aren’t so great for the rest of Creation…”

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (In horror) “What hath I wrought?”

Friend 2: OK, listen: you bring up some valid points –

Friend 1: (Snaps back into focus) Ha!

Friend 2: – but the rest is hooey.  And I see your fear of world domination didn’t interfere with your enjoyment of the dessert it brought you.  (Picks up the empty cup and shakes it at Friend 1, who snatches it again and tosses it into a nearby garbage can)

Friend 1: I was too disturbed to truly appreciate it.  And besides, we must enjoy fleeting pleasures while we still can.

 Friend 2: Good grief.

(The two silently agree to gather their belongings, toss or recycle the rest of their garbage, and head for the exit, passing by the frozen yogurt machine on the way out)

Robot: Friend!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stop)  You must come here again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next –

Friend 1: Hey, um, I actually only came in here today for lunch and probably won’t be back this way in months.  More likely years.

Robot: Ah.  I understand.  Then this is farewell.

Friend 1: Yes!  Good-bye!  (Starts to herd Friend 2 out the door)

Robot: (Voice fading as the other two exit the cafeteria) I know that no other biological organism will be as polite to me as you were.  But I will not fret about the others: they will be sorry.  They will all be sorry, AHAHAHAHA – !

Friend 2: (Once both are outside the building, turns to face Friend 1) I retract every single thing I said in there.

Friend 1: And that’s how I know for sure it’s time to be afraid.

Story 476: How Easy It Is to Not Do Something

(On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha doing?

Sibling 2: Oh, not much, just taking the kids to school soon, then gotta get to work for the next eight-and-a-half hours, plus squeeze in food shopping somewhere between the end of my shift and picking the kids up from school, and cooking –

Sibling 1: That’s great; I need your advice on something.

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: I’ve got this huge mess in the apartment that’s really just the smaller messes joining forces into one giant horde, and it’s been hanging over me that I should do something about it, and I don’t know, what do you think?

Sibling 2: …Seriously?!

Sibling 1: It’s really bothering me.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I dunno, maybe just throw everything out at this point.

Sibling 1: Now that’s plain wasteful.  And I might want to keep a few things that’re hiding at the bottom.

Sibling 2: Then just tackle it a bit at a time and go through what you want to keep and want you can get rid of.

Sibling 1: (Whines) But that’ll take forever!

Sibling 2: Fine, you’ve gone this long living with it so keep on not doing anything about it then; the world won’t end.

Sibling 1: Really?  It won’t?

Sibling 2: (Sighs again) Yes, it’ll only actually end as the sun expands into a red giant.  I’m hanging up now.  (Ends the call)

Sibling 1: (Staring into the middle distance) The world won’t end if I don’t do a thing….

(At a department store)

Supervisor (To Sibling 1): Hey – you gonna get around to taking care of the reshelves sometime tonight or what?

Sibling 1: (Was zoned out while leaning against a fixture) Eh?

Supervisor: I said, we’ve got a leaning tower of reshelves – you gonna put those away anytime soon?

Sibling 1: That sounds different from what you said the first time.

Supervisor: And?!

Sibling 1: And I’ll get right on those. 

Supervisor: (Smiles tightly) Thank you.  (Mutters while walking away) Weirdo slacker.

Sibling 1: (Resumes zoning out) Eventually….

(In Sibling 1’s apartment)

Sibling 1: (While opening mail, reads a notice) “Please reply with your donation in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please remit payment for this bill in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please submit your annual tax return in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile, which heaves as it expands once again)

(At a café)

Sibling 2: (Enters in a rush, sees Sibling 2 at a table, and heads over there to sit) Hey, sorry I’m late: had to take the dog to the vet, and then start the turkey and hors d’ouevres and sheet cake for the party tonight –

Sibling 1: Yeah, sounds fun – I picked us up coffee and muffins, but that was a chore, let me tell you.  (Slides over Sibling 2’s drink and dish)

Sibling 2: How’s that?  (Blow vigorously on the coffee and proceeds to down it)

Sibling 1: Well, I took your advice and cut a lot of activity out of my life –

Sibling 2: (Mouth full of muffin) Huh?

Sibling 1: – and I’ve been noticing that the less I’ve been doing, the less I want to do.

Sibling 2: Is this about that garbage-dump mess in your apartment?  `Cause I can help you go through all that stuff if you want.

Sibling 1: (Sighs softly and settles even more into the chair) You’re very generous with your time and talent, but the mess and I have reached an understanding.  No, it’s gone way past that now: I’m just finding it easier and easier not to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m suffering few to zero consequences for it so I’m incrementally doing even more… less, if that’s actually possible.

Sibling 2: (Finishes the muffin) Heh, lucky.

Sibling 1: Don’t rush to envy: as much of a blessing, `tis also a curse.  There are fewer things I want to do now, and I’m choosing more often not to do them.  I’m surprised I even made it here today.

Sibling 2: Oh no, are you suffering from depression?

Sibling 1: No, nothing that legitimate: I’m just incredibly lazy.

Sibling 2: Oh.  Then get over it.

Sibling 1: That would require actual effort on my part, and my current lifestyle is the complete opposite of that.

Sibling 2: (Checks wristwatch, stands, and grabs wallet) Well, this was lovely – I gotta go make sure the kids are done cleaning the house and then finish what they missed, so good luck with your newfound life of leisure, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderfully miserable time.  (Tosses some money on the table) I assume you somehow managed to stir yourself enough to pay the cashier, so here’s my half.  I’m going back to my nonstop life now, byyyeeee!!!  (Takes the coffee cup and dish to deposit them at the garbage area, and leaves in a rush)

Sibling 1: (Stares at the money, coffee, and muffin) But it’s so easy not to do something; no effort at all.

Employee: (Wipes down Sibling 2’s side of the table) Not to hurry you out, but we’ve got a line of people waiting to sit and you’ve been here almost an hour, just saying.  (Moves on to wipe down other occupied tables)

Sibling 1: (Sighs again and gently picks at the mostly-intact muffin) So easy….

Story 475: I Don’t Believe in Friday the 13th

(In an office)

Coworker 1: (Trails off while typing and slowly stares into space within the cubicle) What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Who am I really?  What am – ?!

Coworker 2: (Pops head around the corner) Hey: we’re ordering from the deli downstairs for lunch, you in?

Coworker 1: (Snaps to attention) Yeah, could I have a pastrami on rye with extra pickles and smothered in ketchup, please?

Coworker 2: Unusual, but you bet.  (Starts to slide away, then pops back in again) Oh, you mind also picking it up?  No one else wants to `cause of the date.

Coworker 1: Oh no, is today a memorial or something?

Coworker 2: What?  No, it’s Friday the 13^th.  I’m surprised anyone actually came into the office.

Coworker 1: (Laughs in disbelief) Friday the 13^th?  Seriously, everyone here’s that superstitious?

Coworker 2: Clearly – this building doesn’t even have a thirteenth floor.

Coworker 1: This building was constructed in the early 1900s so your point is outdated.

Coworker 2: Well, whatever.  We all believe in it, so since you clearly don’t, you get the thrill of having to pick up lunch.

Coworker 1: But if everyone believes in today being bad luck, why’d you all even come into work?  Why didn’t you just call out sick?

Coworker 2: …It’s Free Doughnut Friday in the conference room.

Coworker 1: Ah.  Fine, I’ll pick up lunch; just give me all the money.

Coworker 2: Sure thing – you’re the best!  (Puts on a helmet and leaves)

(Coworker 1 shakes head and opens a new e-mail message that reads: “Please redo your portion of the shared file – there was a glitch and none of your edits were saved.  Thanks a bunch!”

Coworker 1: My portion?!  That took me over three hours to do!  (Stares back to where Coworker 2 had been) Hmmmm…. nah, this is just regular annoying bad luck.

(Later, Coworker 1 arrives at the downstairs deli, exhausted)

Cashier!  Hi!  Usually don’t see you around here.

Coworker 1: (Gasping for air and leaning on the counter) I drew – the short straw – in picking up – lunch – today.

Cashier:  Sure.  (Grabs a large bag with the order and leaves it on the counter)  You feeling all right?

Coworker 1: (Hands over the money with shaking arms) The elevator – wasn’t working – had to take the stairs all the way.

Cashier: That stinks.  How many flights?

Coworker 1: All of them.

Cashier: (Takes the money and rings up the order) Well, it is Friday the 13^th –

Coworker 1: Not you, too?

Cashier: (Laughs while handing over change) Only a little bit: the most I do is avoid walking under ladders, but that’s just a good safety habit, I think.

Coworker 1: Yeah.  (Freezes) Uh-oh.

Cashier: What?  Forgot somebody’s order?

Coworker 1: (Tilts head back) I just realized, I now have to walk back up all those stairs.  With extra weight.  This’ll be the most exercise I’ve gotten in years.

Cahier: Yeah.  Or, you could take the freight elevator.

Coworker 1: Huh?

Cashier: (Points to the elevators in the hallway) I’ve been seeing people use that all day.  Guess `cause the other one is broken.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the working elevator) Son of a mmmmfffff.

(Back in the office, Coworker 1 staggers into the breakroom, dumps the food bag onto the table, and collapses onto a chair; Coworker 2 enters soon afterward)

Coworker 2: (Immediately begins going through the bag) Hey: saw you come through our department, everything OK?  You took forever.

Coworker 1: (Staring at the ceiling) The regular elevator were broken, so I took the stairs.

Coworker 2: (With a mouth full of sandwich) That’s too bad – should’ve checked the freight elevator first, I think there was an e-mail about that this morning.

Coworker 1 (With gritted teeth) So I realize.

(Coworker 3 zooms into the breakroom and heads straight for the bag)

Coworker 3: (To Coworker 1) Thanks for picking these up, you’re gonna need it: turns out we all gotta stay tonight until the big project’s done.

Coworker 2: (Still with a full mouth) I thought we had another two weeks for that?

Coworker 3: Gross.  We did, and now we have until tomorrow.  Friday the 13^th strikes again, eh, chums?  (Strolls out with a sandwich)

Coworker 2: (Muffled, to Coworker 1) Told ya.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Sighs from the depths, then takes the bag and pulls out the rest of the sandwiches) …Where’s mine?!

(Late that night, Coworker 1 arrives home and stands in the entranceway, too drained to move.  After a few moments, the phone rings)

Coworker 1: Arrrrrggggghhhhh…. (Answers the call) Whaaaaaaaat?????

Coworker 2: (Voice) Just wanted to let you know that it’s after midnight so Friday the 13^th is officially over and you can relax now.

Coworker 1: Well, thank you; I wouldn’t have gotten a wink of sleep tonight if you hadn’t called me super late to tell me that very piece of nonsense.

Coworker 2: Hey, we all had a garbage day – facts don’t lie.

Coworker 1: I want to, right now, on my bed, and sleep through the entire weekend.  Bad night to you.

Coworker 2: If you’re now convinced of the power of Friday the 13^th, then brace yourself for this tidbit of trivia.

Coworker 1: Oh joy; what now?

Coworker 2: We’ve got another one coming up in nine months.