Story 495: Please Complete Our Survey

 (Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)

Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick.  (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)

<Hello!  Thank you for participating in our survey!  Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>

Customer: I’ll bet it will.

<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>

Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there?  (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things!  Is this the whole survey?  (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?!  I thought this thing was supposed to be quick!  (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.”  Well.  Shame on me, but they have some nerve.  (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>

Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!

<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>

Customer: I don’t know!  Maybe?!

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>

Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.

<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>

Customer: …Seriously?!

<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>

Customer: In general or at this particular moment?

<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>

Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”

<Do you live alone?>

Customer: Creepy!  “Prefer not to answer”!

<Are you a robot?>

Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen.  (Selects “No”)

<Are you sure?>

Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)

<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>

Customer: For the love of – (Does so)

<Congratulations!  You passed the Turing test.>

Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?

<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>

Customer: WHAT?!

<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred).  Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>

Customer: All right, that’s it.  (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)

Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?

Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –

Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.

Customer: No at all.  So, I assume you know the issue.

Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers.  All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.

Customer: Oh.  So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?

Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.

Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace.  But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.

Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then.  I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.

Customer: Twenty too many.  (Selects “Submit”)

<Thank you very much for completing our survey!  The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>

Customer: NO!  (Forcefully clicks “No”)

Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?

Customer: Yes!  I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.

Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome.  And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.

Customer: Huh?  (Holds for several moments)

Customer Service Robot: Hello!  Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!

Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?

Customer: …Yes?

Customer Service Robot: Thank you!  Have a – nice – day!  Good-BYE!  (Call ends)

Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?

Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.

Story 493: An Extra Ticket

Relative 1: (Answers ringing phone) Hi, what’s up?

Relative 2: Hey!  So, you doing anything on Saturday?

Relative 1: Uh, don’t think so; why?

Relative 2: Well, the siblings and I want to go see the opera that day and there’s a family group discount thing that can be applied for a minimum of four people but there’s only three of us and no one else we called so far can go that day and we don’t want to get a fourth ticket if no one’s actually going to use it and it’s a really good deal but no worries since you’re our favorite cousin we’ll pay for your ticket and whaddya say?

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t like opera.       

Relative 2: Perfect!  We’ll have great seats – second row orchestra if they haven’t been snatched up by some other family party yet – and we’ll even get your bus and subway tickets for there and back plus throw in lunch `cause you’re doing us such a huge favor.

Relative 1: …But I don’t like opera.

Relative 2: Awesome!  Show starts at 1:00; we’ll pick you up at 9:30 to give us enough time to get to the city and eat; you’re the best; see you then; byeeeeeeee!!!!!  (Ends the call)

Relative 1: (Still holding the phone) …But I don’t like opera.

 SATURDAY

(In the opera house, Relatives 1-4 find their seats in second row orchestra)

Relative 3: (As they all sit) Wow, this is terrific!  We’re so close we’ll be able to see when they miss their marks!

Relative 4: (To Relative 2) You really did get some of the best seats!

Relative 2: (Chuckles humbly) Well, it’s all thanks to you-know-who-here – (Gestures to Relative 1) who so graciously came along with us today so we could get these at an almost-reasonable price.

Relative 1: (Hunched over with arms and legs crossed) Yeah; so how long’s this thing?

Relative 3: Ooh, I saw that in the program…. (Flips through the pages) Ah, here: five hours and 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Uncrosses limbs) WHAT?!

Relative 3: Oh don’t worry, that’s counting the two intermissions that’re 40 minutes long each.

Relative 4: Lots of scenery to build up and break down between acts, you know.  Plus the singers need to rest after screaming at each other and throwing themselves across the stage for over an hour.

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) You didn’t say anything about this thing being almost a quarter of a day long!

Relative 2: Sorry, I thought you knew this particular work was an especially lengthy one.

Relative 1: Why would I?!  I DON’T LIKE OPERA!

Relative 2: First I’m hearing of it.

Relative 3: (As the house lights dim) Ssh-ssh, it’s starting!

Relative 1: (Hissing to Relative 2) And how am I supposed to understand what’s going on when the entire thing’s recited in a language I never learned?!

Relative 2: (Points to panels with buttons on the back of the seats in front of them) You can pull up English subtitles here – now, enjoy the drama!

Relative 1: (Pushes buttons until the English subtitles appear as the conductor takes the podium to applause; mutters) Can’t believe I have to work in order to watch something.  (The overture begins) …At least the music’s decent.

 FIRST INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 4: Golly, this production is fantastic!

Relative 3: Definitely!  I mean, of course the singers and musicians are phenomenal, but those sets!  What a bold choice for them to relocate the action from 18^th-century Venice to a 50^th-century spaceship headed for the Andromeda Galaxy!

Relative 2: Right, and the costumes now being astronaut suits, except one character I think is supposed to be an inhabitant of the planet the main cast landed on so that one’s just in shorts and a T-shirt.

Relative 4: Oh, I thought that character was just the crew’s boss.

Relative 3: Ooh, and replacing the original story’s swords with ray guns?  Brilliant.

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) So, what do you think?

Relative 1: (Staring at the curtain covering the stage) I’m… not sure.

Relative 2: How do you mean?

Relative 1: It’s just… is the main character really out to avenge the family members who were tragically lost, or is the objective actually interplanetary colonization?

Relative 2: Oh, well, the original story was the vengeance angle, but you may be right that this new version added another layer of meaning to everything else going on.

Relative 4: Lyrics are all still the same, though; they held up surprisingly well over the centuries.

Relative 1: (As the house lights dim to start Act 2) Yeah… surprising….

 SECOND INTERMISSION

(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)

Relative 1: (Bawling) I don’t understand – why can’t those two spend the rest of their lives together?!

Relative 2: (Also bawling) Duty!  Honor!  The Family!  Pick one!

Relative 1: But the musical cues make it seem like they’re perfect for each other!

Relative 3: (Also bawling) That’s what makes it all the more tragic!

Relative 4: (Also bawling) That and the destruction of Earth and the collateral damage from invasion – but those parts were added just to this version.

Relative 1: I don’t think I can take much more of this!

Relative 2: It’s all right; only two hours to go.

Relative 1: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The cast and orchestra members bow to standing ovations)

Relatives 2-4: (Applauding wildly) Yaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Relative 1: (Applauding wildly while sobbing) You all broke my heart!  Every last one of you!

(Outside the opera house, Relatives 1-4 walk to the nearest subway station)

Relative 4: That was amazing!

Relative 3: Totally!   So glad we got to do this.

Relative 2: Yes, a great day out – (To Relative 1) wouldn’t you say?

Relative 1: (Emerging from being deep in thought) Hm?  Oh, yeah, great.

Relative 2: Sooooo, did you wind up liking it in spite of yourself?

Relative 1: (Stops walking to stare at Relative 2, who also stops) I can’t get the music out of my head.  The singers’ performances will haunt me to the end of my days.  I will never be moved by anything as much as what I experienced just now.  Opera has invaded my soul and claimed me as its own – help me, help me!

Relative 2: (To Relatives 3 and 4) Oh dear, I think we created a monster.

Relative 3: Hey, don’t knock it: the arts'll take all the support they can get these days.