Relative 1: (Answers ringing phone) Hi, what’s up?
Relative 2: Hey! So, you doing anything on Saturday?
Relative 1: Uh, don’t think so; why?
Relative 2: Well, the siblings and I want to go see the opera that day and there’s a family group discount thing that can be applied for a minimum of four people but there’s only three of us and no one else we called so far can go that day and we don’t want to get a fourth ticket if no one’s actually going to use it and it’s a really good deal but no worries since you’re our favorite cousin we’ll pay for your ticket and whaddya say?
Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t like opera.
Relative 2: Perfect! We’ll have great seats – second row orchestra if they haven’t been snatched up by some other family party yet – and we’ll even get your bus and subway tickets for there and back plus throw in lunch `cause you’re doing us such a huge favor.
Relative 1: …But I don’t like opera.
Relative 2: Awesome! Show starts at 1:00; we’ll pick you up at 9:30 to give us enough time to get to the city and eat; you’re the best; see you then; byeeeeeeee!!!!! (Ends the call)
Relative 1: (Still holding the phone) …But I don’t like opera.
SATURDAY
(In the opera house, Relatives 1-4 find their seats in second row orchestra)
Relative 3: (As they all sit) Wow, this is terrific! We’re so close we’ll be able to see when they miss their marks!
Relative 4: (To Relative 2) You really did get some of the best seats!
Relative 2: (Chuckles humbly) Well, it’s all thanks to you-know-who-here – (Gestures to Relative 1) who so graciously came along with us today so we could get these at an almost-reasonable price.
Relative 1: (Hunched over with arms and legs crossed) Yeah; so how long’s this thing?
Relative 3: Ooh, I saw that in the program…. (Flips through the pages) Ah, here: five hours and 20 minutes.
Relative 1: (Uncrosses limbs) WHAT?!
Relative 3: Oh don’t worry, that’s counting the two intermissions that’re 40 minutes long each.
Relative 4: Lots of scenery to build up and break down between acts, you know. Plus the singers need to rest after screaming at each other and throwing themselves across the stage for over an hour.
Relative 1: (To Relative 2) You didn’t say anything about this thing being almost a quarter of a day long!
Relative 2: Sorry, I thought you knew this particular work was an especially lengthy one.
Relative 1: Why would I?! I DON’T LIKE OPERA!
Relative 2: First I’m hearing of it.
Relative 3: (As the house lights dim) Ssh-ssh, it’s starting!
Relative 1: (Hissing to Relative 2) And how am I supposed to understand what’s going on when the entire thing’s recited in a language I never learned?!
Relative 2: (Points to panels with buttons on the back of the seats in front of them) You can pull up English subtitles here – now, enjoy the drama!
Relative 1: (Pushes buttons until the English subtitles appear as the conductor takes the podium to applause; mutters) Can’t believe I have to work in order to watch something. (The overture begins) …At least the music’s decent.
FIRST INTERMISSION
(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)
Relative 4: Golly, this production is fantastic!
Relative 3: Definitely! I mean, of course the singers and musicians are phenomenal, but those sets! What a bold choice for them to relocate the action from 18th-century Venice to a 50th-century spaceship headed for the Andromeda Galaxy!
Relative 2: Right, and the costumes now being astronaut suits, except one character I think is supposed to be an inhabitant of the planet the main cast landed on so that one’s just in shorts and a T-shirt.
Relative 4: Oh, I thought that character was just the crew’s boss.
Relative 3: Ooh, and replacing the original story’s swords with ray guns? Brilliant.
Relative 2: (To Relative 1) So, what do you think?
Relative 1: (Staring at the curtain covering the stage) I’m… not sure.
Relative 2: How do you mean?
Relative 1: It’s just… is the main character really out to avenge the family members who were tragically lost, or is the objective actually interplanetary colonization?
Relative 2: Oh, well, the original story was the vengeance angle, but you may be right that this new version added another layer of meaning to everything else going on.
Relative 4: Lyrics are all still the same, though; they held up surprisingly well over the centuries.
Relative 1: (As the house lights dim to start Act 2) Yeah… surprising….
SECOND INTERMISSION
(The house lights come on again as nearly everyone in the audience stands to stretch)
Relative 1: (Bawling) I don’t understand – why can’t those two spend the rest of their lives together?!
Relative 2: (Also bawling) Duty! Honor! The Family! Pick one!
Relative 1: But the musical cues make it seem like they’re perfect for each other!
Relative 3: (Also bawling) That’s what makes it all the more tragic!
Relative 4: (Also bawling) That and the destruction of Earth and the collateral damage from invasion – but those parts were added just to this version.
Relative 1: I don’t think I can take much more of this!
Relative 2: It’s all right; only two hours to go.
Relative 1: Arrrgggghhhhh!!!
TWO HOURS LATER
(The cast and orchestra members bow to standing ovations)
Relatives 2-4: (Applauding wildly) Yaaaaaayyyy!!!!
Relative 1: (Applauding wildly while sobbing) You all broke my heart! Every last one of you!
(Outside the opera house, Relatives 1-4 walk to the nearest subway station)
Relative 4: That was amazing!
Relative 3: Totally! So glad we got to do this.
Relative 2: Yes, a great day out – (To Relative 1) wouldn’t you say?
Relative 1: (Emerging from being deep in thought) Hm? Oh, yeah, great.
Relative 2: Sooooo, did you wind up liking it in spite of yourself?
Relative 1: (Stops walking to stare at Relative 2, who also stops) I can’t get the music out of my head. The singers’ performances will haunt me to the end of my days. I will never be moved by anything as much as what I experienced just now. Opera has invaded my soul and claimed me as its own – help me, help me!
Relative 2: (To Relatives 3 and 4) Oh dear, I think we created a monster.
Relative 3: Hey, don’t knock it: the arts'll take all the support they can get these days.
