Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

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             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

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 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

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 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

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 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

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 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”

Story 477: Wave of the Future?

             (In a cafeteria, Friend 1 browses the snack racks and vending machines before stopping in front of a giant case that serves frozen yogurt)

Friend 1: (Muttering) What the blazes is this?  (A robot arm inside the case suddenly swings around from one side to the other) Whoa! 

(Upbeat music plays from speakers as a monitor shows the steps for placing an order)

Friend 1: (Digs money out of pocket, follows the prompts on the monitor, and feeds the money taker) Eh, why not – something new in our humdrum lives.  (Watches in fascination as the robot arm grabs a cup to hold under different sections that dispense the frozen yogurt and toppings, then sets the filled cup on a platform where a small window opens)

Friend 1: (Grabs the cup; the window then slides closed) Neat.  Thanks!

Robot: (In an almost-human-sounding voice) <Gasp!>  No one has ever thanked me before!

Friend 1: (Freezes, eyes widening extremely) Ummmmm… force of habit.

Robot: I know I am just a tool created to capture falling food and deliver the final product intact, but that is my purpose and I strive for excellence each and every time!

Friend 1: (Nibbling on the dessert) Well, you succeeded once again – great job.

Robot: And a compliment!  The stirrings in my gears must be equivalent to what biological organisms would describe as “happiness,” yes?

Friend 1: (Mouth reaching for the dripping yogurt) Ummmmm… yes?

Robot: Oh, happy!  I am so happy!  (The whole case starts rocking from side to side)

Friend 1: (Slowly backing away) Sooooo… I’m going to find my table now… yeah-bye.  (Quickly trots away while slurping more of the yogurt)

Robot: (Arm waves) Bye!  Bye!  Squeeeeee!!!!  (Quietly) I also now know what “love” is.

(Friend 1 slides into a chair across from Friend 2 at a small table; the latter is finishing a salad)

Friend 2: (Looks up at Friend 1’s arrival) Oh.  I see the cookies I gave you money for will not be joining us today.

Friend 1: (Finishes the yogurt) Huh?  Oh, no, I grabbed those first.  (Reaches into another pocket, pulls out a bag of cookies, and tosses it to Friend 2, who immediately tears it open and begins devouring the contents, one-by-one) I got a little side-tracked.

Friend 2: (Mouth full) By what?

Friend 1: (Taps the table lightly in thought) Did you notice the new frozen yogurt machine they installed here over by the sodas and cereals?

Friend 2: The one with the robot? Yeah; looks complicated.

Friend 1: (Tilts head) No, it’s actually quite straightforward… user-friendly… a little too friendly….

Friend 2: (Briefly stops shoveling in cookies) Whaaaaaat do you mean, exactly?

Friend 1: …I think it’s gained sentience and will one day take over the world.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1, picks up the empty frozen yogurt cup to stare at it a bit, then looks back at Friend 2) From this base of operations?

Friend 1: (Snatches back the cup) Why not?  You know they’re connected by the Internet or whatever!  (Sets the cup back down to stare at it suspiciously)

Friend 2: And who precisely are “they”?

Friend 1: You know!  (Leans in to whisper) The computers.  The thinking machines.  The robots!  (Suddenly grabs a cell phone out of a pants pocket) Our phones – ah!  (Drops it on the floor as if it were burning) They’re everywhere!  And they’ve taken over everything, while we deliberately weren’t looking!  Why not rule the world at this point from a den of frozen joy?!

Friend 2: (Sighs, lowers to pick up Friend 1’s phone from the floor, and slides it on the table toward the latter, who shrinks away from it) I think you’re getting carried away here.

Friend 1: I think I’m not getting carried away enough!  We built –

Friend 2: “We”?  You actually built something then?

Friend 1: We the society built these things to be smarter and smarter and do more and more, so we should not be surprised when they inevitably evolve into something mightier than we ever imagined!  (Stares inwardly in thought) I wonder if this is how God felt when He realized, “Maybe human beings really aren’t so great for the rest of Creation…”

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (In horror) “What hath I wrought?”

Friend 2: OK, listen: you bring up some valid points –

Friend 1: (Snaps back into focus) Ha!

Friend 2: – but the rest is hooey.  And I see your fear of world domination didn’t interfere with your enjoyment of the dessert it brought you.  (Picks up the empty cup and shakes it at Friend 1, who snatches it again and tosses it into a nearby garbage can)

Friend 1: I was too disturbed to truly appreciate it.  And besides, we must enjoy fleeting pleasures while we still can.

 Friend 2: Good grief.

(The two silently agree to gather their belongings, toss or recycle the rest of their garbage, and head for the exit, passing by the frozen yogurt machine on the way out)

Robot: Friend!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 stop)  You must come here again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next –

Friend 1: Hey, um, I actually only came in here today for lunch and probably won’t be back this way in months.  More likely years.

Robot: Ah.  I understand.  Then this is farewell.

Friend 1: Yes!  Good-bye!  (Starts to herd Friend 2 out the door)

Robot: (Voice fading as the other two exit the cafeteria) I know that no other biological organism will be as polite to me as you were.  But I will not fret about the others: they will be sorry.  They will all be sorry, AHAHAHAHA – !

Friend 2: (Once both are outside the building, turns to face Friend 1) I retract every single thing I said in there.

Friend 1: And that’s how I know for sure it’s time to be afraid.

Story 476: How Easy It Is to Not Do Something

(On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha doing?

Sibling 2: Oh, not much, just taking the kids to school soon, then gotta get to work for the next eight-and-a-half hours, plus squeeze in food shopping somewhere between the end of my shift and picking the kids up from school, and cooking –

Sibling 1: That’s great; I need your advice on something.

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: I’ve got this huge mess in the apartment that’s really just the smaller messes joining forces into one giant horde, and it’s been hanging over me that I should do something about it, and I don’t know, what do you think?

Sibling 2: …Seriously?!

Sibling 1: It’s really bothering me.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I dunno, maybe just throw everything out at this point.

Sibling 1: Now that’s plain wasteful.  And I might want to keep a few things that’re hiding at the bottom.

Sibling 2: Then just tackle it a bit at a time and go through what you want to keep and want you can get rid of.

Sibling 1: (Whines) But that’ll take forever!

Sibling 2: Fine, you’ve gone this long living with it so keep on not doing anything about it then; the world won’t end.

Sibling 1: Really?  It won’t?

Sibling 2: (Sighs again) Yes, it’ll only actually end as the sun expands into a red giant.  I’m hanging up now.  (Ends the call)

Sibling 1: (Staring into the middle distance) The world won’t end if I don’t do a thing….

(At a department store)

Supervisor (To Sibling 1): Hey – you gonna get around to taking care of the reshelves sometime tonight or what?

Sibling 1: (Was zoned out while leaning against a fixture) Eh?

Supervisor: I said, we’ve got a leaning tower of reshelves – you gonna put those away anytime soon?

Sibling 1: That sounds different from what you said the first time.

Supervisor: And?!

Sibling 1: And I’ll get right on those. 

Supervisor: (Smiles tightly) Thank you.  (Mutters while walking away) Weirdo slacker.

Sibling 1: (Resumes zoning out) Eventually….

(In Sibling 1’s apartment)

Sibling 1: (While opening mail, reads a notice) “Please reply with your donation in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please remit payment for this bill in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please submit your annual tax return in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile, which heaves as it expands once again)

(At a café)

Sibling 2: (Enters in a rush, sees Sibling 2 at a table, and heads over there to sit) Hey, sorry I’m late: had to take the dog to the vet, and then start the turkey and hors d’ouevres and sheet cake for the party tonight –

Sibling 1: Yeah, sounds fun – I picked us up coffee and muffins, but that was a chore, let me tell you.  (Slides over Sibling 2’s drink and dish)

Sibling 2: How’s that?  (Blow vigorously on the coffee and proceeds to down it)

Sibling 1: Well, I took your advice and cut a lot of activity out of my life –

Sibling 2: (Mouth full of muffin) Huh?

Sibling 1: – and I’ve been noticing that the less I’ve been doing, the less I want to do.

Sibling 2: Is this about that garbage-dump mess in your apartment?  `Cause I can help you go through all that stuff if you want.

Sibling 1: (Sighs softly and settles even more into the chair) You’re very generous with your time and talent, but the mess and I have reached an understanding.  No, it’s gone way past that now: I’m just finding it easier and easier not to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m suffering few to zero consequences for it so I’m incrementally doing even more… less, if that’s actually possible.

Sibling 2: (Finishes the muffin) Heh, lucky.

Sibling 1: Don’t rush to envy: as much of a blessing, `tis also a curse.  There are fewer things I want to do now, and I’m choosing more often not to do them.  I’m surprised I even made it here today.

Sibling 2: Oh no, are you suffering from depression?

Sibling 1: No, nothing that legitimate: I’m just incredibly lazy.

Sibling 2: Oh.  Then get over it.

Sibling 1: That would require actual effort on my part, and my current lifestyle is the complete opposite of that.

Sibling 2: (Checks wristwatch, stands, and grabs wallet) Well, this was lovely – I gotta go make sure the kids are done cleaning the house and then finish what they missed, so good luck with your newfound life of leisure, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderfully miserable time.  (Tosses some money on the table) I assume you somehow managed to stir yourself enough to pay the cashier, so here’s my half.  I’m going back to my nonstop life now, byyyeeee!!!  (Takes the coffee cup and dish to deposit them at the garbage area, and leaves in a rush)

Sibling 1: (Stares at the money, coffee, and muffin) But it’s so easy not to do something; no effort at all.

Employee: (Wipes down Sibling 2’s side of the table) Not to hurry you out, but we’ve got a line of people waiting to sit and you’ve been here almost an hour, just saying.  (Moves on to wipe down other occupied tables)

Sibling 1: (Sighs again and gently picks at the mostly-intact muffin) So easy….