Story 305: Holding Onto August 31

AUGUST 24

            (On a beach, two siblings are lounging on chairs close to the ocean)

            Sibling 1: (Sighs) Man, I’m bummed.

           Sibling 2: How’s that?  Isn’t this one of the pinnacles of relaxation: lying in front of soothing waves, thinking of nothing?

           Sibling 1: Yeah, but I’m not thinking of nothing, am I?  I’m thinking of how summer’s over next week.

            Sibling 2: No it isn’t – summer isn’t over until the Autumnal Equinox on September 23.

           Sibling 1: Technically, but just as summer unofficially begins on Memorial Day in May, it also unofficially ends on Labor Day in September.  All the fun shore venues close up shop, the beaches become do-not-enter zones, the tourists cease their mass migration oceanward, and the dreaded s-word is set to begin all over again that week.

            Sibling 2: S-word?

         Sibling 1: School.  The children must report for duty by Thursday the latest and bid their carefree lives farewell for yet another 9.75 months.

            Sibling 2: Yeah, but you don’t have to go to school anymore, so what do you care?

            Sibling 1: I endured that ordeal for too many years to ever get over it.

            Sibling 2: Whatever.

           Sibling 1: Whatever indeed – at any rate, for me, summer truly ends the second that September begins.

            Sibling 2: And that’s not even for another week, so just enjoy today and stop nattering on the inevitable.  “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened,” or however the saying goes.

            Sibling 1: I guess.  (Gnaws lip in thought) Or….

            Sibling 2: (Temporarily distracted by the waves) Hm?

            Sibling 1: Or… something can be done about it.

            Sibling 2: What, you mean like declaring an extra federal holiday?

            Sibling 1: No, I’m thinking of something a big further-reaching.  And more permanent.

            Sibling 2: Such as…?

            Sibling 1: You’ll see.  (Turns to the side to snuggle into the beach chair) Yes, it’ll all be sorted out nicely.

            Sibling 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi!  Have any good plans for today?

            Sibling 2: Yes, actually – some errands first, but then going out to the boardwalk with the fam and dinner and ice cream later.  What about you?

          Sibling 1: Theme park all day, quick meeting to close the deal, then watching the sunset closely to make sure it takes.

            Sibling 2: Wait, what?

            Sibling 1: Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Oh… kaaaayyyyy….

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Goooooood – morning!  Have any wonderful plans for this glorious day?

            Sibling 2: (Groggy) Uh, yes, actually, I think – some errands, and….

            Sibling 1: Boardwalk with the fam and then dinner and ice cream later?

            Sibling 2: Yeah… how did you – ?

            Sibling 1: Just intuition.  Enjoy your day!

            Sibling 2: Thanks…. Hey, wait, what’re you doing today?

            Sibling 1: Reveling in all the glory that is Endless Summer.

            Sibling 2: Tomorrow is September, you know.

            Sibling 1: Oh, is it?

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 1: (On the phone) Howdy-howdy-howdy!  Any exciting, fantastic, splendiferous plans for this magnificent day of days?

            Sibling 2: All right, now I know we’ve had this conversation already – what is going on?!

            Sibling 1: Whatever do you mean, love?

            Sibling 2: For one thing, you’re never this happy!

            Sibling 1: Point taken.

            Sibling 2: I can’t believe I’m even asking this: are we all reliving the same day, over and over again?!

            Sibling 1: (Giggles) You weren’t supposed to notice.

            Sibling 2: What have you done?!

          Sibling 1: Let’s just say I made an arrangement with a certain party who has influence over such things.

          Sibling 2: What?!  Did you sell your soul to the Devil like we’re all specifically told not to do?!

          Sibling 1: Ewgh, no, nothing that banal.  Let’s just say I ensured certain conditions were met –

          Sibling 2: You know what: forget it, I don’t even want to know the details because I might incriminate myself later, just – put it back!

            Sibling 1: Put what back?

            Sibling 2: The day!  The calendar!  Earth’s orbit!  The space-time continuum!

            Sibling 1: But why would I want to do that?

            Sibling 2: Because this is wrong!

           Sibling 1: How so?  You have a great day ahead planned, all the damage we humans have done to the planet and outer space is now suspended and literally can’t get any worse, and I know for a fact only tiny natural disasters occur today, so why end it?  We’re all happy as we are right now, aren’t we?

            Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) I’m sure there’s a significant percentage of beings here who are having an absolutely terrible day, and now have to go through it all again and again and again!

           Sibling 1: Oh.  Well, that unfortunately will always be the case – I pray their sufferings are brief.

            Sibling 2: You’ve condemned us all to a never-ending day!

            Sibling 1: A wonderful never-ending day.  The last day of summer, which now will be the only day as far as we’re all concerned.  And on that note, have a great day!

          Sibling 2: I won’t now, and I never will!  And you realize that it’s only summer for the Northern Hemisphere, right?  You’re prolonging the last day of winter for everyone else!

Sibling 1: Umm…

Sibling 2: This day is completely ruined – change it back!

            Sibling 1: (Chuckles) Now, now, you just need to get yourself acclimated to your new reality.  Why don’t you mix it up a little – you already did all that boardwalk whatchamacallit stuff today, so why not try something you’ve never done before, like family kickboxing lessons, or cliff diving?

          Sibling 2: I’m hanging up now, and when I wake up tomorrow it had better be tomorrow!

            Sibling 1: You sound just like Mom.

AUGUST 31

            Sibling 2: (On the phone) What the –

            Sibling 1: Look, don’t be mad –

            Sibling 2: Too late for that!

            Sibling 1: I thought maybe if you gave it once more chance –

            Sibling 2: CHANGE.  IT.  BACK!

            Sibling 1: Grumpy.  What you need is a summer vacation – (The call disconnects)

SEPTEMBER 1

           Sibling 1: (On the phone) Hi.  You happy now?  It’s your precious September, and it’s cold and damp and cloudy and everything.

            Sibling 2: Yes.  I am very happy, and I’m sure the space-time continuum is, too.

            Sibling 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whelp, summer’s over, my life is miserable yet again, and it’s all downhill from here.

            Sibling 2: Look on the bright side: you get it all back in May.

            Sibling 1: Yippee – I could be dead by then.

            Sibling 2: Always the optimist.

            Sibling 1: Still, I suppose it could be worse.

            Sibling 2: How so?

           Sibling 1: I could be stuck living in one of the Poles, South or North.  There it wouldn’t matter what month it is: every day of the year would be Endless Winter.

Story 304: Best Summer Ever/Worst Summer Ever

Friend 1: (On phone) Guess what?

Friend 2: I would never be able to in a million years.

Friend 1: Well anyway, my manager just told me to take a whole bunch of days off this summer `cause I have too many vacation hours built up and I’d better use `em or lose `em so, yeah.  This’ll be great: now I can finally shop on non-crowded days, and go to amusement parks with a bit shorter lines and slightly cheaper prices, and hang out at beaches where I’ll almost have room to lay out all my stuff, and I can’t wait, this summer’ll be AWESOME!

Friend 2: Wow, that is… great.

Friend 1: See if you can take a few days off too, so we can hang out on a few non-weekend days like we’re playing hooky!

Friend 2: I… can’t really: three people in my department simultaneously quit this week and now I have to work overtime every day for the foreseeable future.  Possibly forever, because I doubt they’ll hire anybody to replace them.  You actually may not see me for a while.

Friend 1: …Oh.  Well, let me know whenever you’re free, bye!  (Disconnects call)

Friend 2: [Slightly disgusted sigh]

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 1: (On phone) Mm-yell-oh?

            Friend 2: Just checking in on the real world – you still have off a few more days this summer?

            Friend 1: Oh yes: actually right now I’m lounging poolside on a cruise to… somewhere; I lost track of where we’re at today.

            Friend 2: Oh.  When did you leave?

            Friend 1: Umm, let’s see, was it Monday?  No, that’s not right – Saturday?  I don’t even know what day it is anymore, isn’t that funny, heh-heh-heh?

            Friend 2: It’s Tuesday.

           Friend 1: Tuesday!  Yes, exactly!  Now I remember; I think there’s a midnight buffet coming up later.

            Friend 2: (Through grinding teeth) So when did you leave?

            Friend 1: Oh right – I think it was Friday.  Does it really matter?

            Friend 2: Apparently not.

          Friend 1: Ooh, they just announced the limbo contest’s up here soon, gotta wrap this up – how’s everything with you?

            Friend 2: I have to go to a wake tonight and funeral tomorrow.

            Friend 1: Oh no!  Anyone I know?

            Friend 2: My great-aunt; you never met her.

           Friend 1: Oh good.  I mean, sorry, I feel bad, I meant good I didn’t know her, I mean, you know I’m terrible with tragedy, I mean, sorry to you all, I mean –

            Crowd in the Background: Limbo!

            Friend 2: I’ll let you go – bye.

            Friend 1: Thanks, bye, have a good week!  Oops, sorry, I mean –

            Friend 2: (Disconnects call)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hey, you wanna meet me in Paris this week?

          Friend 2: What?  No, I – I’m working two-and-a-half people’s jobs, I’m in the middle of a neverending meeting right now, I can’t take any time off, what are you thinking?!

          Friend 1: Well, I’m in Paris at the moment, so if anything changes I’ll meet you at Charles de Gaulle Airport – just send me your arrival time and gate number before you land, m’kay?

            Friend 2: What – how – who –

           Friend 1: Oh, and make sure your passport’s not expiring in less than six months or else you might get stuck here – don’t know why six months, I’d almost understand if it was one month –

            Friend 2: What – when –

          Friend 1: Oh, and we should make time to tour the châteaux in the Loire Valley – but definitely the bulk of the stay’ll be in Paris.  You’re six hours behind us, so you should get here in time for dinner then, right?

            Friend 2: [Makes choking sounds]

            Friend 1: Don’t worry, they eat later here.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (Waking up exhausted to answer the phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: So I’m in śavāsana at the end of my sunrise yoga session right now, which reminds me that I’m also doing absolutely nothing for the rest of today – want to come over and just lie on the floor with your arms and legs splayed out for hours?  We can have the ceiling fan going on overhead to have something to focus on.  (Hears dial tone) You still there?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

           Friend 2: (Trapped in traffic, sees Friend 1’s number appear on phone) For the love of – (Bangs hands-free phone button in the car to answer) Yes – what?

            Friend 1: So my application to join the human expedition to Mars just got approved – wanna meet me in the space center this week and watch my microgravity training?

            Friend 2: What?!  Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: No – they accelerated the program so training got bumped up to this week.

          Friend 2: Well, good for you!  I’m on my way to another 16-hour workday before heading back in bumper-to-bumper traffic so I can move my stuff out of the apartment because the whole building got evicted!

            Friend 1: Really?  When did that happen?

           Friend 2: When you were in France, or the beach, or the Moon, I don’t know!  And now I have to live with my cousin who is a disgusting mess and another hour away from my job, so that’s even less sleep for me and more time driving, and I should have just said I’ll live in my car `cause I’ll pretty much be doing that now, and arrrggghhhh!!!!

         Friend 1: …So wanna meet me in the diner for ice cream when you get out of work at midnight?

            Friend 2: Yeah, all right.

Story 303: I Wish I Had Known It Was National Lazy Day

            “Hello everyone, you’re listening to Generic Radio Show, broadcasting live on W@!$ 1234.5, and in case you missed the announcement earlier, today is that greatest of holidays, National Lazy Day!  Yes folks, for one day only, everyone has carte blanche to do absolutely nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, niente, and, my personal favorite, bupkis.  Aside from the poor saps who have to work to save lives or care for loved ones or earn a living or whatever, today is also Saturday so the rest of you have the permission of the nebulous ‘They’ out there to lie around and not stir a single muscle for a solid 24 hours!  Unless you have a medical condition where you already have limited-to-zero mobility, in which case, my condolences.  For everyone else, revel in your best impersonation of a lump on a log!  I myself am broadcasting this show lounging on a float in the middle of my in-ground pool, soaking up the rays, watching the gently lapping waves, and being extra, extra careful with the equipment.  So laze on, my people, laze on!  And now, a word from our sponsors.”

            She hauled the vacuum, mop, broom, and bottles and bottles of cleaner from out of the seldom-opened supply closet.  It was a mild summer morning that threatened to evolve into a sweltering summer afternoon, so she started early enough at one end of the house, spraying, wiping, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping again as she methodically advanced, room by room.

            Air conditioning and fans were turned on by Hour Two, but they could not keep up with her overworked sweat glands so she opened all the windows.  Alas, not a breeze stirred, and the sweat continued to pour.

            In the laundry room by Hour Three, she turned on the radio to distract from her battle with the dust bunnies and long-lost clothing, at last recovered from underneath the washing machine and dryer where they had mischievously hidden themselves untold ages ago.

            “– Day, continuing onward into the afternoon now, so I hope you’re all having a great time doing ab-so-bloomin’-lute-ly noth-”

            “What the blazes is this?!”  Using a clothes hanger, she pulled out what appeared to be a long string of dust-connected clothes from underneath the dryer.  She tried shaking it off into a garbage can, but the dust clung on mightily: “Ew, ew, ewwww!!!”

            By Hour Five, she had reached the last room and vacuumed the carpet nearly off the floor, having to stop twice to empty the dirt canister. 

Finally finished, she slumped into the living room and belly-flopped onto the couch: “That’s the last time I wait two years to clean the house.”

She heard a distant noise and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio before vacuuming the last room.

“Well folks, that about wraps up this segment of the station’s programming.  I’ve been on the air almost thrice as many hours as I am normally, just to be with you all during this wonderful, fantabulous, majestic day of days.  About two hours ago I moved on from the pool and am now ensconced in my soft, cushy hammock, watching the clouds drifting by, the butterflies fluttering by, the bees buzzing along, the birds eating them all, and the grass growing.  I’m also breathing in the pleasant scent of lavender as a mild breeze wafts this way every so often, breaking up the comforting heat just a bit.  I also-also have a nice cool glass of not-too-sour, not-too-sweet lemonade that I’m going to set down right now, since I feel a nap coming on.  Welp, I see it’s almost 4:00, so this show is over, <yawwwwwnnnn>, I’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming, but in the meantime, I hope you all continue to relax with me on this, National Lazy Day.  Bye, bye, bye, <snoooorrrreeee>.”

Her eyes flew open: “WHAT?!”