Showing posts with label vacuuming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vacuuming. Show all posts

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Story 303: I Wish I Had Known It Was National Lazy Day


            “Hello everyone, you’re listening to Generic Radio Show, broadcasting live on W@!$ 1234.5, and in case you missed the announcement earlier, today is that greatest of holidays, National Lazy Day!  Yes folks, for one day only, everyone has carte blanche to do absolutely nothing, zip, zilch, nil, nada, niente, and, my personal favorite, bupkis.  Aside from the poor saps who have to work to save lives or care for loved ones or earn a living or whatever, today is also Saturday so the rest of you have the permission of the nebulous ‘They’ out there to lie around and not stir a single muscle for a solid 24 hours!  Unless you have a medical condition where you already have limited-to-zero mobility, in which case, my condolences.  For everyone else, revel in your best impersonation of a lump on a log!  I myself am broadcasting this show lounging on a float in the middle of my in-ground pool, soaking up the rays, watching the gently lapping waves, and being extra, extra careful with the equipment.  So laze on, my people, laze on!  And now, a word from our sponsors.”

            She hauled the vacuum, mop, broom, and bottles and bottles of cleaner from out of the seldom-opened supply closet.  It was a mild summer morning that threatened to evolve into a sweltering summer afternoon, so she started early enough at one end of the house, spraying, wiping, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping again as she methodically advanced, room by room.
            Air conditioning and fans were turned on by Hour Two, but they could not keep up with her overworked sweat glands so she opened all the windows.  Alas, not a breeze stirred, and the sweat continued to pour.
            In the laundry room by Hour Three, she turned on the radio to distract from her battle with the dust bunnies and long-lost clothing, at last recovered from underneath the washing machine and dryer where they had mischievously hidden themselves untold ages ago.
            “– Day, continuing onward into the afternoon now, so I hope you’re all having a great time doing ab-so-bloomin’-lute-ly noth-”
            “What the blazes is this?!”  Using a clothes hanger, she pulled out what appeared to be a long string of dust-connected clothes from underneath the dryer.  She tried shaking it off into a garbage can, but the dust clung on mightily: “Ew, ew, ewwww!!!”
            By Hour Five, she had reached the last room and vacuumed the carpet nearly off the floor, having to stop twice to empty the dirt canister. 
Finally finished, she slumped into the living room and belly-flopped onto the couch: “That’s the last time I wait two years to clean the house.”
She heard a distant noise and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio before vacuuming the last room.
“Well folks, that about wraps up this segment of the station’s programming.  I’ve been on the air almost thrice as many hours as I am normally, just to be with you all during this wonderful, fantabulous, majestic day of days.  About two hours ago I moved on from the pool and am now ensconced in my soft, cushy hammock, watching the clouds drifting by, the butterflies fluttering by, the bees buzzing along, the birds eating them all, and the grass growing.  I’m also breathing in the pleasant scent of lavender as a mild breeze wafts this way every so often, breaking up the comforting heat just a bit.  I also-also have a nice cool glass of not-too-sour, not-too-sweet lemonade that I’m going to set down right now, since I feel a nap coming on.  Welp, I see it’s almost 4:00, so this show is over, <yawwwwwnnnn>, I’ll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming, but in the meantime, I hope you all continue to relax with me on this, National Lazy Day.  Bye, bye, bye, <snoooorrrreeee>.”
Her eyes flew open: “WHAT?!”