Story 323: So When Is the Movie Going to Start?

            (Friend 2 enters an empty movie theater, with commercials playing on the screen.  Looking at the ticket stub and then around in confusion, Friend 2 walks down a side aisle and sits on the end seat, then spends the next few minutes taking off gloves, hat, scarf, and coat, and checking the phone with a furrowed brow)

            Friend 2: (Selects contact, waits, and listens to voicemail message) Hi, it’s me, I’m here.  Where are you?  You know what I mean.  Listen, it’s a little after the show’s start time and trailers haven’t even begun, so I’m going out to the lobby to get someone `cause I think something’s not working right, if you get here while I’m gone –

          Friend 1: (To Friend 2 while heading down the aisle, towing a large case on wheels) Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!

            Friend 2: (Turns around suddenly to see Friend 1; still speaking into the phone) Uhhhh, never mind, here you are.  Bye.  (Disconnects and stands; several other people now are entering the theater after Friend 1) Hey – everything OK?

            Friend 1: (Slightly out of breath) Oh yeah, everything’s fine!  Super excited to see this one; can’t wait!  Mind if I take the aisle seat?

            Friend 2: Sure.  (Scoops up stuff and moves over to the next seat as Friend 1 plops down the case and begins taking out items) I’m actually going to go find a manager, I think something’s wrong with the film or projector or something –

            Friend 1: (Freezes while taking out a picnic basket) WHAT?!

           Friend 2: I mean, look – (Shows Friend 1 the time on a wristwatch) it’s more than five minutes after showtime, and they haven’t even started the trailers so I think something back there’s, you know, broken.

           Friend 1: (Laughs while opening up a small folding table) Oh, that: no worries, trailers haven’t started on time here in months – oh right, you haven’t been here in a while.  Like the new seats they put in?  (Hits a button on the arm of the seat and it opens up into a mini-bed)

            Friend 2: (Sits again) Yeah, that’s swell – so is the showtime not actually being the showtime anymore the reason why no one else was here at the time of the listed showtime?

            Friend 1: (Pops open a bottle of champagne and pours out two glasses) Got it in one!  Sorry I didn’t think to tell you earlier: I guess they figured no one shows up on time anyway so why bother starting on time, but now we know it’s not going to start on time so we’re just showing up even later – it’s a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of tardiness.  Blanket?  (Holds out a down quilt)

            Friend 2: No thanks.  You know, this movie is already three hours long, plus trailers whenever they get around to starting, might make it four, so I’m going to go use the bathroom before I regret not doing so in Hour 2.  (Stands again and starts to leave)

            Friend 1: (Takes off shoes and puts on several pairs of slipper socks) But the trailers!  They’re part of the admission price!

            Friend 2: You can fill me in on any good ones later – I doubt I’ll miss much.

          (In the restroom, Friend 2 unconsciously stares at people dressed in towels and robes, then sees that they are waiting in lines for showers and bubble baths)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            (Friend 2 enters the now-darkened theater and returns to the seat, stepping around Friend 1’s portable grill as the latter turns over two hot dogs)

            Friend 1: (Whispers) Hey there, you only missed most of one trailer, it’s still playing – ooh, did you stop for the complimentary massage?

            Friend 2: (Whispers) No.  (Is caught up in the coat, the hat, the quilt Friend 1 had left on the seat anyway, etc. while trying to sit) I got stuck in the line for one on the way out.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: I think this trailer’s a repeat.

          Friend 1: (In mid-doze while wearing a vibrating neck pillow) Hm?  Oh, no, that’s just the sequel to the other movie they showed earlier.

            Friend 2: You mean the other movie that also hasn’t come out yet?

           Friend 1: Oh yeah, you gotta plan your release schedule at least 15 years in advance – these studios have vision, let me tell ya.  (The screen changes) Ah yes, at last.

            Friend 2: What, you mean the movie’s finally going to start?

            Friend 1: No, it’s the cartoon short first – I heard this one’s hilarious.

            Friend 2: (Quietly) Arrrrrrrgggggghhhh….

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Clapping) Yay, short’s over, let’s start this thing.

            Friend 1: (Checking e-mail on phone) Heh-heh, wouldn’t bet on it.

            Friend 2: (Stops mid-clap) Huh?

           Friend 1: They still have to promote the theater chain we’ve already paid to visit, along with all their concession sponsors.  (Watches theater chain and concession commercial) You know, I suddenly have a strange desire for popcorn and soda.

            Friend 2: (Stands and walks around Friend 1 again) I’ll get `em – seems like they’re now just talking about a charity they want us to donate to at the box office, which is a little late at this point.

           Friend 1: Might as well push a worthy cause while you have a captive audience – I admire that.

TEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Sits back in the seat and hands over a popcorn and soda while keeping a set) Seven cashiers and the line still takes forever because everyone keeps adding to their orders – people need to make up their minds while they’re waiting, but no one ever learns!

           Friend 1: Heh-heh, indecisive nerds. (Sets popcorn and soda into corresponding seat holders and sticks feet back into a pedicure bath)

            Fellow Audience Member: Ssh, please!

            Friend 2: Ooh, sorry, did the movie finally start?

          Fellow Audience Member: No – I want to hear my celebrity crushes talking about their new movie.

            Friend 2: (Stares at the screen) Their new movie that isn’t even the one we’re here to see?

            Fellow Audience Member: And your point is?

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

            Friend 2: (Squirms in the seat) If they show one more car commercial when they’re supposed to be showing movie commercials, I am walking out – I don’t care if they don’t give me a refund, I am walking out –

           Friend 1: (Lying almost flat and wearing an eye mask) You know, you really need to learn how to relax more.

           Friend 2: I came here to relax!  And instead I’ve spent almost two hours watching everything else but the one thing I paid to see!

            Friend 1: (Hears a change in music and lifts up the mask) Yes!  Speak no more, my child, the object you have been seeking is here at last and the movie is about to begin!  (Adjusts seat back to sitting, takes a promotional prop out of the case, and holds it as a talisman) Squeee!!!!

          Friend 2: (Stares at the screen in slowly encroaching horror as the opening scenes unfold) Ohhhh noooo….

            Friend 1: (Slightly bouncing in the seat) What’s up?

            Friend 2: I forgot the name of the movie!

Story 243: You Just Can’t Leave on Time

            [8:01 a.m.]

            Friend 1: (Entering the office) Morning.

            Friend 2: (Sighs softly, not looking up from the computer) That it is.

            Friend 1: (Settles belongings at desk and sits) Just a heads-up: I’ve got a thing right after work today, so I have to leave at 4:30 on the dot.

            Friend 2: (Looks over) What, you mean on time?

           Friend 1: Yeah yeah, I always wind up doing one last thing that pushes me over a few minutes, but today I really need to leave at 4:30.  As in, not even a minute later.

            Friend 2: Not gonna happen.  (Returns to the computer)

            Friend 1: What?  How do you know?

           Friend 2: (Looks back) Because you jinxed it: you said it out loud, and now it doesn’t matter how much you prepare ahead, you will not get out of here on time.  The universe has accepted your challenge and will deploy everything it has to keep you from leaving.  Your fate is sealed: no point in fighting it.

         Friend 1: I’d say you were talking out of your hat if you wore one, and now you’re just throwing me off my schedule.

            Friend 2: You’ll see I’m right.  Enjoy your misguided optimism while it lasts.

            Friend 1: It’s like talking to a wall.

            [10:30 a.m.]

           Friend 1: Did you see the e-mail about a meeting at 3:00?!  That’s going to set me back at least an hour that I can’t spare, and it’ll be pointless to boot!

            (Friend 2 looks over and smiles evilly)

            Friend 1: Oh shut up.  I’ll just have to push that one report I was going to work on today off to tomorrow.  That day is now pre-ruined, but this day is salvaged.  Yes, that should do nicely.

            Friend 2: (Shakes head slowly) You poor, poor sap.

            [1:15 p.m.]

           Friend 1: (Answers the desk phone) Billing Department, this is -----, how may I help you?... Oh hi, what can I do for you?... Oh…. Oh, OK…. Sure, I can do that for you…. How soon do you need it by?... Well, we actually have that meeting at 3…. Yeah, I’ll get it to you before 5…. `K, bye.  (Disconnects the call, then slams down the receiver and whispers) Noooooooooooo….

            Friend 2: (Leans back from the desk to look over at Friend 1) What’s that?

            Friend 1: Nothing!  (Starts typing furiously)

            Friend 2: You sure?  It seemed like the sound of an unexpected project being tossed your way.

            Friend 1: The more you talk, the more I’m delayed!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  (Resumes work.  After a minute) Need any help?

            Friend 1: (With blazing eyes fixed on the screen) No one can help me!

            Friend 2: Hoo boy.

            [3:15 p.m.]

            Speaker: (To the employees gathered in a conference room) …and when you select this tab, you’ll see all your options for restructuring, drilling down, and purchasing….

           Friend 1: (In a whispered conversation with Friend 2) Son of a gun, this is the exact same stuff that was covered in the e-mail they sent out last week!

            Friend 2: Yeah, but who actually reads those?

            Friend 1: I do!

            Friend 2: Then you’re in the minority.

            Speaker: Next question?

          Co-Worker 1: Yes, will we still be able to use the old system to place orders once the new system goes live?

            Friend 1: (Stands and addresses the ceiling) For the love of all that is decent, no!  Read, fools, why can’t you people read?!!! (Runs away)

            Friend 2: Heh-heh, sweet.

            [4:03 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Done!  Finished all of my work, finished all of other people’s work, and I just have to finish this one last thing and I’m free!

            Friend 2: (Sing-song) You’re not gonna make it….

            Friend 1: If you’re the one who makes me late, you will never know peace again.

            [4:28 p.m.]

            Friend 1: Dare I say it?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t.

            (Friend 1’s desk phone rings)

            Friend 1: (Turns sharply to glare at it and hisses) Beast!

            Friend 2: I’d let it go to voicemail.

           Friend 1: Of course you would, you never answer the phone anyway!  (Ringing continues) Ooh, I’m technically still on the clock, and what if it’s important that can’t wait `til tomorrow and I get fired because I didn’t answer?!  (Snatches the receiver) Billing Department, this is – Hiiiii?  How are you?... Well, I'm actually leaving for the day…. (Friend 2 slowly taps a watch; Friend 1 grabs a pencil to chew on) Uh-huh, so you need me to walk you through it?... I’m sorry – what is your actual question then?

            (Co-Worker 2 enters and hovers around Friend 1’s desk)

            Friend 2: (Packing up to leave) Need help?

            Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I can wait.  (Gestures at Friend 1)

          Friend 1: (Still on the phone) OK, I’m listening.  (Slumps down onto the desk and weeps soundlessly)

            Friend 2: Take a number, and maybe bring some candy as a peace offering.

Story 237: The Shortest Awards Ceremony Ever

            (In an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)

            M.C.: Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.  (Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time, if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering allowed.  When making your acceptance speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and, especially, all variations of “Um.”  Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be tolerated.  There will be no music played as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear.  That’s it for my opening remarks: the first award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)

            Student 1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first of all, I’d like to thank –

            (M.C. presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student 1)

           M.C. Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the band room afterwards.  The next award is for “Highest GPA.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award from the M.C.)

     Student 2: This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye.  (Walks quickly back to the audience)

            M.C.: I can see why you were awarded that.  Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)

            Student 3: Thank you so much!  Boom!  Done in two seconds!

            M.C.: Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!  (Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears, Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.  Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a capella.

            (A chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)

          M.C.: Wasn’t that lovely.  The last segment features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.  In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?!  I am not reading all of these names and what all y’all did: get up here now!

           (Chaos as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)

            Students: Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for something the court ordered me to do –

           M.C.: THAT.  IS.  ENOUGH.  (They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night!  (Wheels the podium off stage right to scattered applause)

            Parent: (Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.