Story 279: I Wasn’t Supposed to Win the Award

            (At a breakfast/lunch restaurant)

            Costumer Designer: So now I’m expected to drop everything, fly all the way out to Fiji, and spend three weeks on pristine beaches altering costumes on every single extra again and redesigning the lead’s entire ensemble from beginning to end because it’s apparently not quote-unquote “climate-appropriate.”

            Non-Film Industry Friend: What a burden.

           Costume Designer: I know, right?  (Sees alert on phone and reads message) Aw, dagnabit!

            Non-Film Industry Friend: What, next you’ll have to fly out to Paris?

         Costume Designer: (Shudders) Heavens, no; they announced the ------- Award nominations this morning and this says that I got nominated for Best Costume Design for that one I did three years ago and just came out last month.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Chokes on coffee) What?!  I didn’t even know you were in the running to be… in the running!

            Costume Designer: (Tosses the phone onto the table) Yeah, they nominated everybody who had anything tangentially to do with that flick, which means it’ll win Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Screenplay, and Best Director, but not Best Picture.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: But you still got nominated for costumes!  That’s great!

            Costume Designer: (Focuses on buttering toast) Yeah.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: I don’t understand – why aren’t you thrilled beyond belief?

            Costume Designer: Because now it means I have to go to the awards show!

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Yes it does!

            Costume Designer: Do you know how boring those things are?!

            Non-Film Industry Friend: But – but – but it’s the ------!

           Costume Designer: Doesn’t make it any less tedious.  Plus, why should I have to sit through everybody else’s drama when I could be home, watching it on TV?

            Non-Film Industry Friend: `Cause you might win!

          Costume Designer: Ha.  I saw who else is nominated: three period pieces and an innovative space opera.  My designs, on the other hand, come to me in my nightmares.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: You mean your dreams?

          Costume Designer: You heard me.  (Reads another message on the phone) Oh look, it’s the studio head, congratulating us and saying we’d better show up for the awards show or never work in this town again.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: They actually said that?

         Costume Designer: I’m pretty sure that last bit was directed solely to me.  (Sighs while crunching into toast) Guess I should begin the mental prep now – it’s only three months away.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Need any help writing your acceptance speech?

          Costume Designer: Don’t waste the energy – you’ll need it to face the long hours sitting in almost-comfortable chairs.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Ooh, so I can be your guest then?

            Costume Designer: Sure, I’ll need someone to talk to who isn’t me.

THE NIGHT OF THE ------- AWARDS

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Looking all around the spectacle in awe as they disembark from a bus in front of the theater; both are wearing business casual) Oh wow, red carpet treatment!  This is all so glamorous!

            Costume Designer: Yeah, we go in this way.  (Points to a side entrance)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Oh.  We can’t just hurry through the reception line and get maybe one paparazzo photo by mistake?  I was hoping to see ----- ------ up close from afar.

           Costume Designer: C’mon, it’s less hectic this way – besides, you should see where they make the science award nominees enter.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Where, the back?

            Costume Designer: Nope: last week.  Zing!  Poor underappreciated nerds.

            (Several hours later, they are sitting in the third upper mezzanine)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Squinting) I can almost see the stage.

           Costume Designer: (Munching on popcorn) Yeah, we’ve got some time yet.  Wake me when they get up to Best Sound, would you?

            Non-Film Industry Friend: Editing or Mixing?

           Costume Designer: (Takes out a pillow and blanket and snuggles into the seat) Surprise me.

            (Several hours later)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Shakes Costume Designer awake) It’s coming!

            Costume Designer: Huh?  Is the plane landed yet?

            Non-Film Industry Friend: No-no, your category!

            Costume Designer: Oh, that.  Let me get my act together.  (Takes out several pieces of paper covered in numbers)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: What’s all this?

            Costume Designer: My pool.  My money’s on the space opera.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: You bet against yourself?!

            Costume Designer: Darn tootin’; figured this wouldn’t be a total waste of time.

            Announcer: And the ----- goes to… ------- ---------- for ---!

            (Costume Designer’s mouth drops open as Non-Film Industry Friend screams)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: You won-you won-you won-you won!!!!

            (A camera operator is in place to film Costume Designer’s trek to the stage)

           Costume Designer: (While being pushed out of the seat by Non-Film Industry Friend) This wasn’t supposed to happen – (To Non-Film Industry Friend) I’m out $3,000!

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Applauding wildly and crying) Just get up there, you fool!

          (Nearby audience members assist in pushing Costume Designer down the aisle, stairs, and main aisle to the stage; for the first time in TV history, there is a cut to a commercial during this)

         Costume Designer: (While being pulled up the stairs to the stage by the Announcer and production assistants) Are you sure the accounting firm tallied the ballots correctly?!  I strongly suspect voter fraud!

          (The Announcer hands over the award, then guides Costume Designer to the microphone as the latter tries to exit stage right)

            Costume Designer: (After a few seconds staring at all the humans staring back) I really don’t have a speech prepared…. (Audience laughs)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Bellows from way back) Just thank everybody!

            Costume Designer: Oh yeah – thanks, everybody.  (Stares some more) Is my time up yet?  (A production assistant points to the timer counting down) Ten seconds?!  Uh… thanks?  Already said that, uhhh… no “I” in “Team”?... Uhhh…. World peace?  (The exit music starts playing) Oh thank goodness – bye!  (Runs back through the theater, up the stairs, and collapses back into the seat)

            Non-Film Industry Friend: That was great – can I hold it?

          Costume Designer: (Tosses the award onto Non-Film Industry Friend’s lap) Sure – keep it if you want.

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Holds award in a pose) I’d like to thank my parents –

            Costume Designer: Too bad I just now realized I should’ve sent you up there.

          (A production assistant approaches them, gasping for breath after climbing the stairs in double-time)

            Production Assistant: Excuse me, they need you backstage for photos.

            Costume Designer: Why??

            Production Assistant: Because…

            Costume Designer: Oh fine, I’ll be right there.  (Takes back the award while getting out of the seat) I tell you, it never ends!

            Non-Film Industry Friend: (Sniffs) This is the most magical evening of my life!

           Costume Designer: (On the way down the aisle) All I have to say is, I better not find myself here again next year!  My foot fell asleep twice already and we’ve still got another 20 awards to go!

Story 237: The Shortest Awards Ceremony Ever

            (In an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)

            M.C.: Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.  (Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time, if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering allowed.  When making your acceptance speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and, especially, all variations of “Um.”  Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be tolerated.  There will be no music played as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear.  That’s it for my opening remarks: the first award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)

            Student 1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first of all, I’d like to thank –

            (M.C. presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student 1)

           M.C. Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the band room afterwards.  The next award is for “Highest GPA.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award from the M.C.)

     Student 2: This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye.  (Walks quickly back to the audience)

            M.C.: I can see why you were awarded that.  Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)

            Student 3: Thank you so much!  Boom!  Done in two seconds!

            M.C.: Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!  (Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears, Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.  Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a capella.

            (A chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)

          M.C.: Wasn’t that lovely.  The last segment features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.  In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?!  I am not reading all of these names and what all y’all did: get up here now!

           (Chaos as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)

            Students: Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for something the court ordered me to do –

           M.C.: THAT.  IS.  ENOUGH.  (They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night!  (Wheels the podium off stage right to scattered applause)

            Parent: (Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.