Captain’s Log, Sol Date 5032018: In
desperate need, I have made the drastic decision to take the ship back
in time, to Earth of the early 21st century. Let it be noted in the log that I would not
have done this if there had been any other alternative – however, time is of
the essence and the only way to complete our mission, and just possibly save
the galaxy, is to go back in it. Time, I
mean, not the galaxy. Computer, delete
those last two sentences, I want to rephrase that.
Computer: Unable to comply: all audio recording is permanent, so get it
right the first time.
Snippy. Therefore, I and the ship’s Navigator have
found ourselves somewhere in the middle of the continent of North America at
some point in the first half of the year two thousand and eighteen. We approximated our landing close to the
coordinates of our goal; however, it was not close enough so we have been compelled
to commandeer local transportation.
(In a four-door
sedan covered in motley bumper stickers, the Captain and the Navigator travel through
the expanses of suburbia)
Navigator:
(Looking at a hand-held computer) There should be a hard turn to port here, sir.
Captain:
(Driving) Negative – that’s a resident’s landing strip. Keep searching, Lieutenant.
Navigator:
Aye-aye, Captain. (Looks down the road)
There appears to be a sign that states “Detour” directly off the starboard bow,
sir.
Captain:
All engines, full reverse!
Navigator:
With all due respect, sir, you have complete navigational control of this
vehicle.
Captain:
Ah yes. (Slams on the brakes; the cars
behind them screech to a halt and blare their horns. The Captain rolls down the window) At ease,
citizens of Earth!
Navigator:
I also should point out, Captain –
Captain:
Yes Lieutenant, feel free to speak, what’s on your mind, don’t hold back vital
information, out with it!
Navigator:
– by following the directions posted on such signs, we still should be able to
arrive at our intended destination.
According to my calculations, sir.
Captain:
Very well, then: so that we do not miss any of these “Detour” signs, we will
proceed at one-quarter impulse.
(Proceeds at 15 mph below the speed limit, with a line of angry, honking
drivers behind them)
Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We have located several signs containing the
same word “Detour” that appear to be leading us to our intended destination,
albeit in a circuitous manner –
Navigator: With
all due respect, sir, that is literally what we had just discussed five minutes
ago.
Captain:
I am catching the audience up after the commercial break, Lieutenant!
Navigator:
Aye, sir.
Sign after sign appears on our trajectory,
yet we seem to be no closer to our goal.
Plus the Navigator lately has been getting on my nerves.
Navigator: Sir, I
would be remiss if I failed to mention that you are close to passing the next
sign.
Captain:
Got it! (Cuts across two lanes of
traffic to turn from the highway onto a side street, nearly causing five
accidents and almost bottoming out) Well, this is a peaceful stretch of space.
Navigator:
(Shaking) It is now, sir. (Checks
computer) Our destination lies within this next starboard turn.
Captain:
At last, we can finally embark upon our mission. (Turns the car right and is faced with a
“Road Closed” sign. Stops the car and
faces the Navigator) Did we miss a sign back there?
Navigator:
(Still checking the computer) No, they all led to this point in the space-time
continuum – oh.
Captain:
I do not like to hear “Oh,” Lieutenant.
Navigator:
If I am understanding the data correctly, sir, I believe that first “Detour” sign
was meant for those travelers who wanted to arrive at this end of the street.
Captain:
Explain.
Navigator:
I remember there was a second sign underneath it that stated we could reach our
destination on this street but that a bridge was impassable,
so I presumed the intention was that we could reach our destination after
navigating through the detours. Now, however,
I believe the intention was that we still could reach our destination by
entering that end of the street.
Captain:
…And the detour was only if we had wanted to get to this end of the
street. (Slumps head onto the steering
wheel)
Navigator:
I assume full responsibility for this error, Captain, although I think that all the
time travelling we do regularly has begun to affect my judgement –
Captain:
(Sits up again and begins turning the car around, narrowly avoiding two
mailboxes and a random dog) You will not berate yourself, Lieutenant! As the senior officer, I assume full
responsibility for every single action of every soul under my command, no matter who messed
up what where when why and how! (Lurches
the car forward) Besides, it was a mistake anyone from a different time period
could have made, don’t blame yourself, all that matters is we’re safe and that
we complete our mission, and get on the sidewalk, pedestrian! (The car reverses its course through the
streets)
Navigator:
Sir, what if we have lost so much time doing all this that we are now too late
to save the ship? And the galaxy?
Captain:
Well that’s the great thing about time travel, isn’t it? There’s no such thing as “too late,” because
we can always just go back and do it all over again!
