Story 203: This Classic Is Not How I Remember It

            “Oh this is neat,” Friend 1 said to Friend 2 as they read different sections of the newspaper in the kitchen.  “They’re re-releasing Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space for its 30^th anniversary this week.  Wow, it’s already 30 years old?  That’s… kind of depressing.  Still, it’s a classic.”

            Friend 2 did not even look up from the comics section.  “Heh.  I’m sure it is.”

            Friend 1 froze.  “What do you mean?”

            Friend 2 still did not look up.  “I guess it’s considered a classic – I wouldn’t know, I never saw it.”

            Friend 1’s heart almost stopped: “You mean to tell me, that you grew up in this country, had a financially comfortable childhood with access to technology whenever you wanted, had literally decades to watch all the movies that have ever been made since the invention of the medium, and not once have you seen Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space?!!”

            Friend 2 finally looked up, if only to end the conversation.  “Hey, there are a lot of movies made all the time – I think they’re close to rivaling insects in outnumbering us.  Besides, I just never felt like sitting through that one.”

            “Never felt – !  We’re going on Tuesday.”

            “Sure, but you’re paying for my ticket.”

            On Tuesday….

          “Could you do me a favor?”  Friend 2 asked Friend 1 as they sat next to each other in the movie theater.  “Could you not anticipate important lines or plot twists while we’re watching this?”

          “But of course.  I want you to savor the experience just as much as I did when I first saw it, back when I was a wee tot.”

            “This is rated R.”

            “OK, maybe not that wee.”

            “And I don’t care about savoring the experience: I just don’t want to hear you muttering in my ear while I’m trying to get through the next two and a half hours that I still can’t believe I’m giving up to sit through this.”

            “Giving up – ?  Don’t speak to me.”

            The lights dimmed, the 20 minutes of trailers and soda ads paraded across the screen, and the main event began.

            “I didn’t know this was a documentary,” Friend 2 whispered to Friend 1.

            “It’s not,” Friend 1 whispered back.  “This is a ‘Making Of’ bit I guess they decided to stick in front of the film for maximum appreciation of the piece.”

            “Oh.  That’s confusingly tedious for newbs like me.”

            “Shh!”

           The director concluded the short with: “So now, at long last, all of you out there in the audience will finally get to experience my true vision of the film on the big screen, as it always should have been.  Enjoy me sticking it to the studio, my friends!”

            Friend 1 nearly choked on the popcorn.

            “What?”  Friend 2 whisper-asked.

          “This is the Director’s Cut?!”  Friend 1 panicked.  “I didn’t know this was going to be the Director’s Cut!”

            “Well yeah, it was plastered all over the posters – how could I be the one who noticed that and you, the “fan,” didn’t?  Anyway, doesn’t that just mean we get extra scenes or something added to the classic that all you nerds love?”

            Friend 1 turned to Friend 2: “The classic was the original version; the Director’s Cut turned it into an illogical, disgusting mess.  You have my permission to walk out right now.”

         Friend 2 settled in as the credits rolled.  “Nah, I think I’ll stick around – this just got interesting.”

            Twenty minutes in: “Are those two divorced?”  Friend 2 asked.

            “No, they’re brother and sister.”

            “Oh.  How come that isn’t clear in the version with extra dialogue in it?”

            “It got lost in that inserted space battle that went nowhere and did nothing.”

            Forty minutes in: “Wait a minutes, isn’t that guy dead?”

            “Yes.  Yes he is.”

            “Then why is on the asteroid now?”

            “Exactly.”

          An hour and a half in: “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that level of gore was a bit unnecessary.  Did the original version tone that murder down a bit?”

            “There was no murder.  This sub-plot didn’t exist and the victim’s scenes were cut.”

          “Oh.  That explains why all of these characters seem like they’re in a different movie.  Ah, there goes another head!  Are you all right?”

            “I’m fine, just trying not to throw up.”

            The finale: “Now who is this chick?  The director’s daughter?”

           “Yes – he wanted an unhappy ending and the cast refused to film it because it was too gross and sad, so he used her.”

           “Wow.  That’s messed up when the people being paid to listen to you stop listening to you.  Wait, it’s over?”

            “He ran out of money before finishing the new ending.”

            “How did the original end, then?”

            “Twenty minutes ago, when the good guys showed the bad guys how not to be bad anymore and they all went to live on that moon together.”

            “Yeah, he should’ve ended it there.  Man, that would’ve made it such a classic!”