“Oh
this is neat,” Friend 1 said to Friend 2 as they read different sections of the
newspaper in the kitchen. “They’re
re-releasing Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space for its 30th
anniversary this week. Wow, it’s already
30 years old? That’s… kind of
depressing. Still, it’s a classic.”
Friend
2 did not even look up from the comics section.
“Heh. I’m sure it is.”
Friend
1 froze. “What do you mean?”
Friend
2 still did not look up. “I guess it’s
considered a classic – I wouldn’t know, I never saw it.”
Friend
1’s heart almost stopped: “You mean to tell me, that you grew up in this
country, had a financially comfortable childhood with access to technology
whenever you wanted, had literally decades to watch all the movies that have
ever been made since the invention of the medium, and not once
have you seen Extra-Terrestrials From Outer Space?!!”
Friend
2 finally looked up, if only to end the conversation. “Hey, there are a lot of movies made
all the time – I think they’re close to rivaling insects in outnumbering us. Besides, I just never felt like sitting
through that one.”
“Never
felt – ! We’re going on Tuesday.”
“Sure,
but you’re paying for my ticket.”
On
Tuesday….
“Could
you do me a favor?” Friend 2 asked
Friend 1 as they sat next to each other in the movie theater. “Could you not anticipate important lines or
plot twists while we’re watching this?”
“But
of course. I want you to savor the
experience just as much as I did when I first saw it, back when I was a wee
tot.”
“This
is rated R.”
“OK,
maybe not that wee.”
“And
I don’t care about savoring the experience: I just don’t want to hear you
muttering in my ear while I’m trying to get through the next two and a half
hours that I still can’t believe I’m giving up to sit through this.”
“Giving
up – ? Don’t speak to me.”
The
lights dimmed, the 20 minutes of trailers and soda ads paraded across the
screen, and the main event began.
“I
didn’t know this was a documentary,” Friend 2 whispered to Friend 1.
“It’s
not,” Friend 1 whispered back. “This is
a ‘Making Of’ bit I guess they decided to stick in front of the film for
maximum appreciation of the piece.”
“Oh. That’s confusingly tedious for newbs like me.”
“Shh!”
The
director concluded the short with: “So now, at long last, all of you out there
in the audience will finally get to experience my true vision of the film on
the big screen, as it always should have been.
Enjoy me sticking it to the studio, my friends!”
Friend
1 nearly choked on the popcorn.
“What?” Friend 2 whisper-asked.
“This
is the Director’s Cut?!” Friend 1
panicked. “I didn’t know this was going
to be the Director’s Cut!”
“Well
yeah, it was plastered all over the posters – how could I be the one who
noticed that and you, the “fan,” didn’t?
Anyway, doesn’t that just mean we get extra scenes or something added to the
classic that all you nerds love?”
Friend
1 turned to Friend 2: “The classic was the original version; the Director’s Cut
turned it into an illogical, disgusting mess.
You have my permission to walk out right now.”
Friend
2 settled in as the credits rolled. “Nah,
I think I’ll stick around – this just got interesting.”
Twenty
minutes in: “Are those two divorced?”
Friend 2 asked.
“No,
they’re brother and sister.”
“Oh. How come that isn’t clear in the version with
extra dialogue in it?”
“It
got lost in that inserted space battle that went nowhere and did nothing.”
Forty
minutes in: “Wait a minutes, isn’t that guy dead?”
“Yes. Yes he is.”
“Then
why is on the asteroid now?”
“Exactly.”
An
hour and a half in: “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that level of gore
was a bit unnecessary. Did the original
version tone that murder down a bit?”
“There
was no murder. This sub-plot didn’t
exist and the victim’s scenes were cut.”
“Oh. That explains why all of these characters
seem like they’re in a different movie. Ah,
there goes another head! Are you all
right?”
“I’m
fine, just trying not to throw up.”
The
finale: “Now who is this chick? The
director’s daughter?”
“Yes
– he wanted an unhappy ending and the cast refused to film it because it was
too gross and sad, so he used her.”
“Wow. That’s messed up when the people being paid
to listen to you stop listening to you.
Wait, it’s over?”
“He
ran out of money before finishing the new ending.”
“How
did the original end, then?”
“Twenty
minutes ago, when the good guys showed the bad guys how not to be bad anymore and
they all went to live on that moon together.”
“Yeah,
he should’ve ended it there. Man, that
would’ve made it such a classic!”
