Flipping
through his mail, the homeowner sorted most of the letters to the garbage and
one to bills when the last piece caught his eye: “IMPORTANT: DO NOT DISCARD
UNDER PENALTY OF PRISON.”
“Ooh,
prison, that’s a new one.” He opened the
envelope and read through the papers; confused, he called his father.
“Hi
there, son! Sorry I haven’t called in
ages – super busy – how’s it been?”
“Great;
listen, have you ever received a survey in the mail threatening jail time if
you don’t complete it?”
“Sounds
like a scam.”
“That’s
my first instinct, but what if it isn’t and I actually do get jail time
for not completing it?!”
“Well,
who’s it from?”
“Says
it’s the ----- Survey for the Department of --------.”
“Never
heard of that first one, but why don’t you go online and see if the Department
of -------- really does send those things out?
There should be a phone number you can call; just don’t use the one
listed on the letter.”
“That
makes perfect sense, but what if I actually retrieve a fake Web site created
for the sole purpose of making this whole thing look legitimate?!”
“Can’t
help you there.”
The
homeowner spent half an hour online trying to verify that the letter came from
the actual Department of -------- and still was not satisfied; he then called
the number listed on their Web site.
“Department
of --------, how may I direct your call?”
“Yes
hi, I’m a concerned citizen trying to confirm whether a letter I received in
the mail stating that I’ll be sent to prison if I don’t complete the -----
Survey is real?”
“Quite
real, sir – you have 60 days to complete the survey before agents are sent to
arrest you for noncompliance. The survey
should only take 15 to 20 minutes of your time.”
“That’s
not the point! Isn’t it illegal to be
arrested for something so trivial?!”
“Not
when it impacts taxes, sir; plus, no one would do it otherwise.”
“That’s
baloney, just offer a gift card or something.”
“There’s
no money in the budget for several thousand gift cards every year.”
“That’s
exactly what a scammer would say!”
“You’re
the one who called us. Sir.”
“Yeah,
and how do I know this number is really for the Department of --------,
eh? You could have created a fake Web site
that people get redirected to, with a fake number to direct inquiries to, and
then the trap is sprung, and I’m not falling for it!”
“…Is
there anything else I can help you with today, sir?”
“No
thank you; you’ve satisfactorily answered my question, Satan!”
He
disconnected the call, uncertain how to proceed. Should he track down an actual telephone book
(if one still existed in this area of space-time) to determine the actual
telephone number for the actual Department of --------? What if the scammers had had the foresight to
scam the telephone book publisher, too?
There was no way to know for certain what in life was real.
Later
that day, he completed the survey – never mind the threat of prison, he just
could not face the thought of receiving reminder letters for this over and over
again.
