Story 429: Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Never?

 (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Agitatedly typing a sternly-yet-politely worded e-mail; conversely, <DING> is heard every time an e-mail is received) “And take that you mumble-mumble-mumble.”  That felt good to write; now backspace-backspace-backspace….

Coworker 2: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk and drops a large pile of folders right next to the keyboard) Here you go – bye.  (Starts to trot away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Hang on a second – (Coworker 2 swings back around) what the blazes is this?!

Coworker 2: `Member when it was announced that the head of Marketing left and all the work was going to be divvied up across the company rather than go through the trauma of hiring and training someone who’ll just wind up leaving in a year?

Coworker 1: …Vaguely.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Well, this is your bit.  (Pats the towering pile of folders lovingly) All these files need follow-up, and at some point also need to be scanned into the database, `cause paperless is the future.

Coworker 1: (Grabs a few random folders to flip through) But there’re hundreds of pages here!

Coworker 2: I know, and I even gave you one of the smaller piles `cause I’ve got weak arms.  Everyone else here is quietly freaking out about this, if it makes you feel any better.

Coworker 1: (Tossing folders haphazardly across the desk; another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward) It doesn’t!  When exactly am I supposed to do all this when I’m already behind on my regular stuff and on stuff not even assigned to me yet?!

Coworker 2: I dunno – maybe during bathroom breaks?

Coworker 1: Gross.  (Holds up one of the folders) And how’m I supposed to follow up on something like this; the last update’s almost two years old!

<DING>

Coworker 2: (Peers over at the page) Huh.  Guess it’s not high priority.

Coworker 1: (Tosses the folder back onto the pile) Un-flipping-believable.  Wait, I take it back: it’s completely believable since it’s the way every company has ever operated.  (Leans back into the chair and squeezes eyes shut as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the pile and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 2: Seems to me if nothing’s been done on that file for two years, then no one’s going to be looking for it anytime soon – you probably could let it go even longer and no one would notice.

Coworker 1: (Eyes fly open) Hm?

Coworker 2: I’m thinking a lot of files in there are like that: so far overdue, what’s another few days?  Or months?

Coworker 1: (Dreamily) Or years….

Coworker 2: I find most of my own work is like that: a lot of people make you feel like you have to get everything done right away, but 90% of the time, 90% of the work can be done late.  Even hard deadlines can be negotiated with… 90% of the time.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the piles of work on the desk and the files of work on the computer) I never realized.

<DING>

Coworker 2: Yeah, it’s great when you do: it’s the reason why I’m the only one in my department who actually takes a lunchbreak.

Coworker 1: You take lunchbreaks?!

Coworker 2: I do indeed.  And so can you, if you don’t let all this – (Gestures to the piles as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) get the best of you.  Bye.  (Trots away)

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: (Turns to the computer and sees the massive amount of unread e-mails received in the past five minutes) Suppose I don’t have to answer them this exact second….

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) Have you started working on the Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Serenely typing a wellness check e-mail to a work friend) They’re my first priority.

<DING>

Manager: OK….

Coworker 1: After I finish the project you gave me last week.

Manager: Oh.  All right, but I would’ve preferred you’d finished that one, you know, last week.

Coworker 1: So would I, but alas: life.  (Nods at a coworker passing by who drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

<DING>-<DING>

Manager: Hm.  Any idea when you’re going to finish that project, then?

Coworker 1: All in good time.

Manager: How about tomorrow?

Coworker 1: If it’s the will of the gods, then `twill be done.

Manager: It’s the will of me, so do it!  And start working on the Marketing files ASAP; I’ve got Corporate breathing down my neck about them and they’ll never realize the irony of the situation they’ve placed themselves and all of us in.

Coworker 1: No one ever does.  (Holds up a cup and saucer) Like some tea?

Manager: Not especially, no.  Now get back to work; I’ve let you lollygag long enough.  (Trots away)

<DING>

Coworker 1: Will do.  (Sips tea and gently sighs) So this is what it feels like to be one with the universe.

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) So, did you start on those Marketing files yet?

Coworker 1: (Lying facedown on a long table while a massage therapist does their thing) All in good time.

Manager: The good time is now!  Are you telling me you haven’t looked at one of these yet?!  (Picks up a folder to shake at Coworker 1 as another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Coworker 1: Oh, I did.

Manager: And?!

Coworker 1: They’re very pretty.

<DING>

Manager: You’re supposed to be following up on these projects!

Coworker 1: (Turns on side as the massage therapist adjusts position) Did you know, about 90% of things in life labelled as “Priority” really aren’t?

Manager: What?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: And probably 95% of projects in general can be left completely undone and no one either would ever notice or call you out on it?

Manager: That’s not true!  I’d notice, and I most definitely will call you out on it!

Coworker 1: Yes, but why stress yourself?

Manager: Because they have to be done for this company to function!  Now get going!

<DING>

Manager: (Glances at the computer screen full of unread e-mails, then back at Coworker 1) You gonna answer any of those?!

Coworker 1: (Rolls back onto stomach) All in good time.

Manager: (Tosses the file onto the desk and trots away, muttering) Why do I stress myself?

 ONE WEEK LATER

Manager: (Trots up to Coworker 1’s desk) This is the last time I’m going to ask you –

Coworker 1: (Knitting a blanket) Oh good, that’s a relief.

<DING>

Manager: Did you, or did you not, start working on those Marketing files, and so help me if you say “All in good time”!

Coworker 1: (Drops a stitch and unravels a section to redo it) I did.

Manager: (Blinks a few times) Oh.  Took the wind out of my sails a bit there, but that’s a good thing.  How far’d you get?

Coworker 1: Mm?  Oh, I’ll show you.  (Gently places the blanket and knitting needles onto a workbench, opens a file cabinet drawer, pulls out a thin folder, and drops it onto the desk) That far.

Manager: (Stares at the folder for a few moments, then slowly back up at Coworker 1) You have five seconds to convince me why I shouldn’t fire you effective immediately.

<DING>-<DING>

Coworker 1: Well, you asked me if I started working on the files, and I started.  Pretty much everything’s so far behind, no one seems to really care at this point if it takes another decade to work on them again, so what’s the rush?

Manager: You’re –

Coworker 1: And if you fire me, all of my projects then will be divvied up amongst all of you, and the vicious cycle continues.  (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward)

Manager: – a real pain in my frontal cortex.  (Trots away)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the 5,378 unread e-mails, then slowly sips a smoothie) Aaaaaah, perfection.  And I love the meditative background music these alerts provide.  (Cell phone rings; checks caller ID and frowns in confusion while answering) Hi – everything OK?

<DING>

Partner: (On the phone) Everything’s fine, I just wanted to let you know I made an appointment for a quote on the new fence.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Thanks.

Partner: Yeah, they’re sending over somebody on Saturday, so you just need to clear the stuff out of the backyard like I’d mentioned a few months ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few weeks ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: And also a few days ago –

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So once that’s all done, maybe we can finally get the fence replaced like we’ve been talking about for years.

Coworker 1: Uh-huh.

Partner: So….

Coworker 1: Uh-huh?

Partner: You think you can clear out the backyard before the weekend?!

<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-<DING>-

Coworker 1: (Another coworker passing by drops a folder onto the desk and continues onward) All in good time.

Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 294: Thank You for Interrupting

(In an office cubicle, Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are seated at a desk and staring at the phone)

Co-Worker 1: I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Me?  Why would you even think that’s a good idea?

Co-Worker 1: `Cause you have better telephone etiquette than I do.

Co-Worker 2: Ha!  You just don’t want to do it.

Co-Worker 1: That’s part of it.

Co-Worker 2: You’re the head of the project here; you should do it.

Co-Worker 1: Yeah, but I hate calling angry people who’re just going to get angrier with what I tell them.

Co-Worker 2: I guess, but you’re only reminding them to do their job so you’re, you know, in the right and all.

Co-Worker 1: Being right doesn’t matter if the person who’s wrong steamrolls all over you, several times.  Every single conversation I’ve had with them, they immediately start getting all “You’re not making any sense!” and “How dare you?!” and “Who do you think you are?!”, and most of the time I’m just asking for a status update.

Co-Worker 2: That behavior is all the typical signs of a slacker who just got caught.

Co-Worker 1: Oh definitely, but try telling that to my brain and nervous system during one of these bouts: about halfway through the call I suddenly start getting the shakes and I keep swallowing mid-sentence for no reason.  And it shows up in my voice so they can hear my agita over the phone and ramp up the attack another 10 notches!  I barely get to hang up with any of my dignity left.  (Stares at Co-Worker 2) I think you should call them.

Co-Worker 2: Not this again; and how’s that going to look if I call for you?

Co-Worker 1: Just say I’m out sick and all abuse will have to be deferred to another day or sent by e-mail – ooh, yes, tell them to send all abuse by e-mail and then we can really nail `em!

Co-Worker 2: (Pushes the phone over to Co-Worker 1) Just do it and be done with it; we can go to the breakroom afterwards and grab some candy, would that make you feel better, hm?

Co-Worker 1: No.  Having that after this will only make the candy taste worse.  (Picks up the receiver and slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

Co-Worker 2: There, there; it’ll all be over soon.

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Excuse me, but – oh sorry, you’re on the phone.

Co-Worker 1: (Slams down the receiver and leaps out of the chair, knocking it over) Not at all!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 3: Uh, I just wanted to see if you could help me generate a report on the database, but I can come back later.

Co-Worker 1: (Grabs Co-Worker 3’s elbow and rushes both of them out of the cubicle) Nope-nope-nope-nope, we are doing this now, I will brook no arguments!

Co-Worker 2: (Still seated in the chair) Don’t worry about me; I’ll be right here.

(One hour later)

Co-Worker 1: (Chuckling to self while re-entering the cubicle, holding a cup of coffee, and sitting back on the now-upright chair.  Turns to Co-Worker 2) So, what’d I miss?

Co-Worker 2: I finished our semi-annual report.

Co-Worker 1: Oh, splendid, splendid.  And… any word on our… you know… other… issue?

Co-Worker 2: I didn’t call them, if that’s what you mean.

Co-Worker 1: Gaaah!  (Splashes coffee as the cup is slammed onto the desk)  Sorry.  Why not?

Co-Worker 2: Getting verbally slapped repeatedly is neither in my pay grade nor job description.

Co-Worker 1: It’s not in anyone’s job description, and yet here we all are.  (Stares at the phone, then begins to whine and squirm again)

Co-Worker 2: (Picks up the receiver) Would you like me to dial for you?

Co-Worker 1: I’ve got it!  Thanks.  (Slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)

(Co-Worker 3 sticks head into the cubicle)

Co-Worker 3: Hi, sorry to bother you again – oh sorry, you’re on the phone again –

Co-Worker 1: (Rips the phone out of the wall and throws it into the garbage can) Absolutely not!  What can we do for you?

Co-Worker 2: (In a low voice) Coward.

Co-Worker 1: (In a low voice) Dodger.

Co-Worker 3: Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d heard yet, but that jerk you’ve been dealing with on the software project?

Co-Worker 1: (Guilelessly) I don’t know who you mean.

Co-Worker 3: The one who reams everybody out for no reason and does zero work?

Co-Worker 1: Oh, I suppose.

Co-Worker 3: Well, they totally got fired just now.

Co-Workers 1 and 2: (Simultaneously stand) WHAT???

Co-Worker 3: Yeah, they started pulling their garbage thinking they were calling an administrative assistant, when actually it was a VP who picked up.

Co-Worker 2: No way!

Co-Worker 3: Oh yeah.  VP let them rant a bit, then dropped the bombshell, dropped the mic, and dropped the call to e-mail the jerk’s boss.  I wish I had been there, it sounded beautiful.

Co-Worker 1: Wow.

Co-Worker 3: I know, right?  Whelp, figured you guys would especially appreciate that – I’m going to continue spreading the cheer around the office.  (Leaves)

(Co-Workers 1 and 2 slowly sink into their chairs)

Co-Worker 1: Wow, wow, wow.

Co-Worker 2: D’accord.

Co-Worker 1: And I almost called them earlier.  And would’ve had to go through all that again, and it would’ve turned out to be for nothing.

Co-Worker 2: Thank goodness for interruptions, right?

Co-Worker 1: I’ll say.  Although – what do we do with the project now?  They were our only contact at that company, and it’ll probably take months until there’s a replacement.

Co-Worker 2: I think we can finally get some work done.

Story 274: Time-Travelling Error

(In an office)

Manager: How’s the year-end project going?  Need any help?

Employee: Nope!  Actually almost done early this year, thank goodness – so happy, you cannot believe.

Manager: I bet.  You also prep the filter for this for next year?

Employee: On it now!  I’m so excited this’ll be done, completely done, for once something at work is entirely and absolutely done, I could cry.

Manager: OK.  Maybe take some days off next week then, yeah?  You’re accruing too many hours and H.R.’s been on my case about it.

Employee: All righty!  And I can take them with a clear conscience, knowing this project’s not hanging over my head waiting for me when I come back!

Manager: Right.  We just have the year-opening project to work on after that.

Employee: Oh.  No matter: my spirits will not be dampened.  (Proceeds with final data entry)

Error: Oh, hello.  Can you see me?

Employee: <La-la-la…>

Error: Wow, you really didn’t catch what you did just now.

Employee: <Do-re-mi-fa->

Error: Completely oblivious.  You realize when you run that filter next year, it’ll miss these items you just updated `cause you entered the wrong date on them, yes?

Employee: <Mmmm-mmm-mmm->

Manager: If you’re going to hum, please do it to an actual tune and not some random notes in your throat.

Employee: Right-ho!  <Mmmm-mmm-mmm->

Manager: [Sigh]

Error: I’ll just wait right here, minding my own business, until you finally notice me.  See you on the other side.

SIX MONTHS LATER

            Employee: Oh boy, I can’t believe this!

            Manager: What?

            Employee: Did you see the memo they just e-mailed us?  They put the wrong start date for the program!

            Manager: Huh.  Oh yeah, they have it listed for a month later than what we were told – this probably is an older version of the notice or something.

          Employee: They’ll issue a retraction in five minutes – can you imagine being the person who sent it?  What a mistake to make!  Company-wide!  Glad I’m not them right now.

            Error: You poor child.

SIX MONTHS LATER

            Manager: So, it’s that time of the year again – how’s the project going?

            Employee: Perfectly!  I’m finishing up my last checks and it’ll be all done!

            Error: Really has no idea.

SIX HOURS LATER

            Manager: You got a minute?

         Employee: (Leaning back in chair with feet propped up on the desk) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

            Manager: I ran a report to reconcile the database and I saw a few inconsistencies.

            Employee: (Lowers feet) A few what in the what?

            Manager: Specifically, these.  (Hands over paper)

            Error: Hi there.

            Employee: (Frantically speed-reads) Oh no….

            Manager: “Oh no”?  Those are two words I never want to hear.

            Employee: (Accelerates speed-reading) No-no-no-no-no-no-no-

            Manager: Removing the “Oh” doesn’t make it better.

          Employee: But I checked – I got them all – how could I have missed – (Gasps in horror) I entered the wrong date for them last year so the filter never picked them up!

            Error: Bingo.

          Manager: How could you have entered the wrong date?!  (Grabs back the paper and reads)  Ah.  December always does have 31 days in it, you know.

          Employee: (Sinks head onto desk) I know!  I have no idea what came over me when I was updating those!  I must have lost my mind in the glee of project completion!

            Manager: All right, calm down – can’t go back in time and undo it, so you’ll just have to get these done now and hope we don’t get audited any time soon.

            Employee: (Lifts head) I can’t believe I messed this up a whole year ago and never even knew it!

             Error: And therein lies my power.