Story 281: Black Market Vacation Hours

            (In an office)

            Co-Worker 1: (To Co-Worker 2) Psst!  Did you read the e-mail from Corporate yet?

            Co-Worker 2: (Continuously types) Which one?  There’ve been thousands.

            Co-Worker 1: You know, the one they just sent about our vacation hours?

            Co-Worker 2: The one that basically said “Use `em or lose `em”?

            Co-Worker 1: Yes!  How could they do that to us?!

            Co-Worker 2: What, tell us to take our earned vacation time?  What scumbags.

            Co-Worker 1: You know what I mean: not letting us accrue any more time off and then taking it away if we don’t use it!  That’s unconstitutional!

           Co-Worker 2: I doubt the Founding Fathers wrote in a provision for paid time off in the late 18^th century.

            Co-Worker 1: Well, it’s gotta at least be illegal now!

            Co-Worker 2: Sadly, no; that’s why they’re called “benefits,” not “requirements.”

           Co-Worker 1: (While spinning in chair) WhatmIgonnadoooooo?  I have over 500 hours built up in my bank!

            Co-Worker 2: …Take a vacation?

            Co-Worker 1: (Stops spinning to collapse on the desk) You’re hilarious.  I can’t take a day off until maybe September, and only if everything goes according to plan.

           Co-Worker 2: Well, that’s a sad commentary on the state of present-day American workers.  (Suddenly stops typing to face Co-Worker 1 and speak in a low voice) If you have absolutely no intention of using at least 90% of your hours, would you be interested in making some money off them instead?

            Co-Worker 1: (Head still is smushed onto the desk) I can’t: I already bought back a day for perfect attendance, and I can’t donate any more to the sick leave pool, I might actually need some of those at this point.

            Co-Worker 2: I’m not talking about that.  (Writes a name and number on a card and slides it under Co-Worker 1’s face) Call this person.

            Co-Worker 1: (Sits up and holds out the card to stare at it) Who is this, someone from Human Resources?

            Co-Worker 2: No, they’re with Maintenance, but they have the answer you need.

            Co-Worker 1: That sound suspiciously vague, but I’m desperate enough to fall for it.

         (Several hours later, Co-Worker 1 looks around to see if anyone is nearby, then dials the number)

            Voice: Maintenance.

            Co-Worker 1: (Loudly whispers) Hi, I was given this number by… a friend….

            Voice: You guys got a leak in the ceiling or something?

           Co-Worker 1: N-no, it’s just, well, I have a lot of time (Winks exaggeratedly) on my hands (Winks again) that I need to do something about (Winks some more).

            Voice: Listen, I can’t hear you winking over the phone, but make any excuse and get down to the Boiler Room in 15 minutes.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Winks again, then shakes head)

            Voice: One more thing: what’s a ballpark figure of time we’re talking about here?

            Co-Worker 1: (Lowers voice more) Oh, I don’t know, something around… 572.39.

            Voice: Holy moly, do you sleep here or something?!

            Co-Worker 1: That’s none of your business!  (Slams down receiver, then grimaces) I forgot to ask where the Boiler Room is.

           (A little more than fifteen minutes later, Co-Worker 1 arrives at the Boiler Room; several other employees are waiting in the hallway near the door)

           Co-Worker 1: (Nodding at them all while passing, not recognizing a single one) Afternoon.  (Knocks on the door, which opens after several seconds)

            Engineer: Yes?

            Co-Worker 1: Hello, I believe we spoke on the phone approximately 15 minutes ago – (Winks exaggeratedly)

           Engineer: Get in here.  (Pulls in Co-Worker 1 by the collar and yanks the door shut as the other employees start to rush it)

            Co-Worker 1: Are they – ?

            Engineer: Customers, yeah.  Had to get the word out while you’re still on the hook before you change your mind and back out.

            Co-Worker 1: Huh?

          Engineer: Sit down.  (Points to a chair in front of a desk; they both sit on opposite sides as Engineer starts working on a laptop that has a large number of cords coming out of it) So, how many of these hours are you willing to part with?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh, um, let me see, I haven’t thought of an actual number, this is all happening so fast – (Sees Engineer glaring) I suppose I could keep a week’s worth and give up the rest.

            Engineer (Nods and types) What’s your employee number?

            Co-Worker 1: Uh, heh-heh, I remember way back at orientation they said we’re not supposed to tell anyone that….

            Engineer: I need it to get into H.R.’s database and divvy up your hours.

         Co-Worker 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute, are you actually (Whispers) hacking into H.R.’s database?

           Engineer: How else did you think was gonna work?  (Gestures to the room) Does this look like the H.R. office?

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know, I thought maybe this would be under the table or something.

            Engineer: This is under the table.  Now are you going through with it or not?  I’ve got a lot of desperate people out there who’ve run out of vacation time and sick time and need those hours badly so they can take care of their families.

            Co-Worker 1: Really?

         Engineer: Well, there’s at least one who keeps wanting to take cruises, but I don’t make judgements, just transactions.  So, are we doing this within the next five minutes?  I’ve got a department meeting in half an hour and my manager’ll kill me if I’m late again.

            Co-Worker 1: (Nods definitively) All right.  Let’s do this.  My employee number’s --------.

            Engineer: (Types and scrolls through information) Right; since you want to keep 40 hours I’m going to deduct 532 and assign them to those guys out there after I determine who needs how many.  The deductions will happen in increments over the next few months to avoid red flags, so you’ll see the number drop down slowly.

            Co-Worker 1: OK, that sounds… reasonable.

            Engineer: I also have to work out payment plans with the customers, so I can either send you the cash for each one or one big payment after I receive the last installment, your choice.

           Co-Worker 1: Hold on – (Points thumb back towards the door) they’re paying me?  But the hours are from the company!

           Engineer: Yeah, and they’ll be paid by the company when they use your hours!  We’re not about to double dip here: that would be wrong.

            Co-Worker 1: (Starts to stand) I don’t know, I thought the money was going to come from Corporate, I really didn’t think this through –

            Engineer: You certainly didn’t.  Now make up your mind and stop wasting my time, or I’m going to start charging you for it!

          Co-Worker 1: (Sits again) All right: go ahead with taking the hours, but I don’t want the money.

            Engineer: Say what now?

         Co-Worker 1: Just give them my hours!  That’s all I really wanted to do this whole time anyway, but H.R. doesn’t have a PTO donation option.

            Engineer: (Shakes head and begins typing again) If that’s what you want.  (Mutters) Weirdo.

          Co-Worker 1: I’m guessing you’re still going to charge those guys a fee for doing all this.  (Engineer gives Co-Worker 1 a “No duh” look before resuming typing) Yeah, I’d rather not know about all that.

          Engineer: (Hands over a form that just printed) OK: sign, date, and time here that you are waiving all rights to payment of hours, in perpetuity.

            Co-Worker 1: (Does so) Rather official for someone who likes to keep things off the record.

            Engineer: This is just for if you start complaining later, I’m taking you down with me.  (Files form in a cabinet drawer filled with folders, then stares at Co-Worker 1) You can go now.

            Co-Worker 1: Right.  (Stands quickly and heads to the door) Uh, thanks for, uh, solving my problem.

            Engineer: (Resumes typing) Ha!  Those saps out there should be thanking you – not only are they getting a boatload of extra PTO, your inexplicable generosity cut their fees by 75%!

            Co-Worker 1: (Winces) Win-win, I guess.  (Opens door to leave; the other employees quickly enter and slam the door behind them) I don’t know why a good deed like this still feels shady.