Story 446: Best Father’s Day EVER!

 (In a living room, Dad is reading a newspaper)

Dad: (Chuckling at the comics section) So corny, but still tickles my funny bone.  (Phone rings; Dad glances at the caller ID, smiles, and answers) Hey kiddo, what’s up?

Adult Child 1: So, the gang and I were talking –

Dad: Uh-oh.

Adult Child 1: No, it’s all good: we were talking about Father’s Day coming up and we decided this year we want to give you the Best Father’s Day EVER.  That last bit was in all caps, by the way.

Dad: Aw, honey, you know every year is the best Father’s Day.

Adult Child 1: You’re legally obligated to say that the moment you produce offspring!

Dad: …What?

Adult Child 1: Thanks for being sweet and all, but how many buffet brunches and backyard barbecues and banal bacchanalias can you suffer through before standing up and shouting “Enough is enough!”?

Dad: But I like all those things.

Adult Child 1: I’ll permit you to maintain the illusion; meanwhile, the gang and I purchased tickets for us all to go that day to Super Adventure Thrill-Ride Land, yay!

Dad: Oh!  Wow.  Thank you, that’s very nice of you all!

Adult Child 1: And it includes meals and any souvenirs you want; this covers your birthday too just so you know; we’ll pick you up at 8 a.m.; see you then; byeeeee!!!  (Ends the call)

Dad: (Places the phone back on the charger and stares out the window, gnawing on lip) Kinda wanted to watch the game that day.

 FATHER’S DAY

(Adult Child 1 pulls up the driveway of Dad’s house at 8 a.m. sharp, tooting the horn; Adult Children 2-3 are leaning out the car windows, waving wildly at Dad who was waiting by the front door)

Adult Children 1-3: HAPPY FATHER’S DAYYYYY!!!!  (Horn beep-beep-beeeeeps)

Dad: (Waves back at them, smiling broadly while muttering) Neighbors are gonna love me at this hour on a Sunday morning.  (Enters the passenger side and sits) Hey kiddos, thank you so much!

Adult Children 1-3: (Spinning noisemakers) Woooo-hoooo!

Adult Child 1: (While backing the car out of the driveway and embarking on the journey) Now, I checked the traffic and it’ll be bumper-to-bumper all the way there, so we should arrive just when the park opens at 10.

Dad: (As the car turns onto the highway and begins crawling to the jam-packed parkway) You timed it perfectly.

 TWO HOURS LATER

Adult Child 1: (Maneuvering the car through the tightly filled parking lot) All right everyone, keep your eyes peeled for a spot!

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

Adult Child 1: Sweet.  (Signals to turn, then shuts that off and keeps driving) Nope – no, there’s a compact car in there already.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  (Points again) There’s one!

Adult Child 3: Motorcycle.

Dad: (Points) There’re plenty of spots over there.

Adult Child 1: But those’re alllll the way at the back of the lot!  You’ll be exhausted by the time we reach the main entrance!

Dad: I’m exhausted just sitting here for two hours, so the five-mile walk’ll be a nice change.

Adult Child 2: (Points) Oooh, there’s one!

Adult Child 1: That’s a pedestrian crossing!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Knew it’d be too good to be true.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The car is parked in the last row and they all disembark)

Adult Child 1: Right: after many fake-outs, we finally found this charming slot that dear old Dad pointed out ages ago; I acknowledge it, and in hindsight should have dropped you all off closer to the front and caught up with you later; “I told you so”s are thereby nullified; let’s roll!  (Starts running to the main entrance)

Dad: Uh, honey?

Adult Child 1: (Stops and runs back) Yes, Father?

Dad: Father needs a slower pace.

Adult Child 3: So do the rest of us.

Adult Child 2: Yeah, we’ve been sitting in a cramped space for that long and my legs are just now getting feeling restored to them.

Adult Child 1: Acknowledged – don’t let this hiccup dampen your energy level, though!

Adult Child 2: Woo-hoo!

Adult Child 3: Yippee!

Adult Children 1-3: (Grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward) Wheeee!!!!

Dad: <Gulp>

 30 MINUTES LATER

(On the mile-long line at the main entrance)

Adult Child 1: I don’t believe this!

Dad: What, that there’s a line?  The curse of an overpopulated species, I’m afraid.

Adult Child 1: No, I can’t believe that the line for those of us with pre-paid tickets is longer than the line for unprepared people who are paying now!

Dad: (Looks at both lines and shrugs) One of the great mysteries of life.

 50 MINUTES LATER

(The family emerges into the park proper)

Adult Children 1-3: (Arms raised in triumph) WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

Adult Child 1: We made it, at last!  (Turns to Dad) So!  What would you like to do first?

Dad: Bathroom.

Adult Child 1: Yeah, me too.  (All four run to stand on lines at the nearest bathrooms)

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The group regroups)

Adult Child 1: So!  What ride should we do first?  (Blank stares in response) All right, let me try this one instead: who’s got the map?

Adult Child 2: Uhhhh….

Adult Child 3: Uhhhh….

Dad: I saw while we were waiting out front that it’s all digital now and you can scan a QR code somewhere.

Adult Child 1: I can’t believe I missed that!

Dad: Understandable: last time we were here was in the 90s.

Adult Child 2: Ah, the 90s.

Dad: Yeah, and Mom was the one who took care of the logistics.

Adult Child 3: Ah, good old Mom.

(They all take off their caps and bow their heads for a moment, then put them back on)

Adult Child 1: All right, I’ll just scan a code then, ummm…. (Looks around a bit) Where is it?

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

(They run to a decorated column)

Adult Child 1: Nope, it’s a menu for this restaurant.

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s another one!

(They run to another decorated column)

Adult Child 1: It’s the entertainment schedule for the day!  (Is tapped on the shoulder by Dad) Where did you get that?!

Dad: (Holding a laminated park map) They had some leftover at the information desk – wanna get lunch first?

Adult Child 1: But we’re missing out on maximum ride utilization!

Dad: The employee there told me wait times are at least half an hour, and I want my buffet brunch.

Adult Child 1: But of course.  (Takes the map and studies it intensely, tracing a finger over it) So, would you like burgers, or… pizza, or… burgers, or….

Dad: (Points to a spot on the map) I would like to go there, please: it’s towards the back of the place so it’s probably not too crowded and it’ll have pretty much the same food as any of the ones around here.

Adult Child 1: (Hands back the map decisively) Sure thing – let’s go!

(Adult Children 1-3 grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward)

(At buffet brunch, the group enjoys their burgers and pizza)

Adult Child 1: So, you think we should wait a bit before going on a ride since we’re all stuffed?

Dad: (Slurps a soda and shakes head) Probably can go straight to it – the line wait’ll take care of the rest.

Adult Child 1: True.

(A random child in the restaurant has a meltdown and is escorted out by the parents)

Adult Child 2: Awwww, remember when we were like that?

Dad: Vividly: your mother and I didn’t have a true family meal out together for years because one of us always had to take at least one of you outside until the tears stopped.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Sorry about that.

Dad: Don’t be; it comes with the territory.  Looking back on it, the whole thing seems kinda funny now.

 30 MINUTES LATER

(The group waits on line for a roller coaster)

Adult Child 1: You think we can take turns making bathroom runs while the others keep our place in line?

Dad: I thought you’d never ask.  (Zips to the nearest bathroom line)

Fellow Line Waiter: Hey, no fair!

Adult Child 1: Like you’ve never done it or wish you had!

Fellow Line Waiter: Yeah, all right.

(On the ride, the group is divided into two cars)

Dad: (With Adult Child 1 as they are buckled in by ride attendants) You know, I think it’s been literally decades since I’ve been on one of these things – I’m actually a little nervous.

Adult Child 1: Ah, I wouldn’t; these things are so tame they’re – (Is cut off as the ride accelerates to 100 mph in four seconds and they spend the next two minutes screaming)

(The four stumble off the ride with shaky legs)

Adult Child 2: That was great!  Wanna go on the one that’ll take us upside-down underground and underwater?

Dad: You can if you like – I’m going to the carousel.

Adult Child 1: Right behind you.

Adult Child 2: Isn’t that one more for kids?

Dad: Unless there’s a height or weight requirement, in this place we’re all kids here.

Adult Child 3: Wish my metabolism knew that.

(After a shorter wait in line, the four of them ride artificial animals on the carousel)

Dad: (Gently bobbing up and down on a “horse”) Ahhhh…. (Turns to Adult Child 1 on a “shark”) The premise is so simple, yet the joys are endless.

Adult Child 1: (Staring out in to space) Isn’t that the truth.

 HOURS LATER

(The four begin their trek back to the car as the sun sets; they snack on cotton candy, ice cream, funnel cake, and lemon ice)

Adult Child 1: So bad, and yet so good.

Dad: Such is life.  I’ll probably regret this tomorrow, but right now it’s bliss.

Adult Child 2: So Dad, was this the Best Father’s Day EVER?

Dad: (Chuckles) It’s certainly one of the more memorable ones, but every year is the best, kiddo.

Adult Child 1: Told you he’d say that.

Adult Child 3: So how’re we gonna top this next year?  Get here at 7:30 instead?

Dad: I have an idea for next year.

Adult Children 1-3: Yes?

Dad: You all come over to my place and we hang out at the pool all day long.

Adult Child 1: But we can do that anytime!

Dad: Yes, but since it’d be Father’s Day, you three will be doing the cooking.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 401: Ice Truck Vs Ice Cream Truck

 On a humid, lazy, summer afternoon in Suburbia, USA, the hazy streets are empty as all the idle children rest in their homes, freezing in those with air conditioning and melting in those without.  The hours tick by slowly, and all is still.

Then, in the distance….

They hear it: The Call.  Faintly at first, then not much louder as it approaches:

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing-bing, bing-bing, bing, bing-bing, bing-bing, bing>

One-by-one, ears perk up; heads peek out windows; and The Pleading begins:

“Can-I-have-some-money-for-the-ice-truck-please-please-please-please-PLEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEEE?!!!!!”

“Yes, fine, take it, but no dessert tonight then.”

“Yayyyyyyyyyy – ohhhhhhhh – yayyyyyyy!!!!!”

The ice truck rounds the corner at the head of the block and stops halfway down as The Pediatric Swarm approaches; the music continues as Ice Truck Employee dutifully takes orders and money and hands over flavored ices to the little waiting hands, remembering an age when the thought of owning an ice truck all summer long was the height of cool.

“Ha!”

“What?”

“Nothing, kid – enjoy the ice, don’t play in the street, see you all tomorrow.”  The ice truck is driven to the next block to repeat the ritual.

And so it goes, all summer long.

Until one day.

As the ice truck begins its usual approach down the block, in the distance at the other end an ice cream truck appears and begins its approach.

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing->

<Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot>

The two trucks stop 10 feet apart, grille staring down grille.  Between them on the sidewalk stand an expectant group of children, money in fists, and heads swinging back and forth between the two vehicles.

Ice Truck Employee leans out the driver’s side window to address Ice Cream Truck Employee: “You’re poaching, friend: this here’s Ice Truck Territory.”

Ice Cream Truck Employee leans out the driver’s side window and blows a disdainful bubble of gum: “I reckon this here’s Ice Cream Truck Territory now, friend.”

“Says who?”

“Says my truck being here, that’s who.”

Little heads swivel back to the ice truck for a response.

“Whelp,” Ice Truck Employee says while revving the engine, “suppose I reckon this block ain’t big enough for the both of us, partner.”

Ice Cream Truck Employee also revs the engine: “Suppose not.  We could act like civilized human beings and call our respective Corporate offices to straighten out our distribution routes, but I saw we joust for it instead.”

“That is an excellent idea.” 

Each truck beeps as they begin slowly reversing away from each other. 

One child goes up to the ice truck and speaks through the permanently open passenger’s side window: “I actually want cups from both of your trucks – ”

“Stay out of this, Susie!” 

Ice Truck Employee floors the gas to quickly reach the top of the street, puts on the parking brake, and starts to gather supplies.  With a flash of headlights from each truck, they signal they are ready.  The competing theme music tunes are blared at maximum volume from each truck’s rooftop speaker; tires squeal and spew smoke; and both trucks speed toward each other as their drivers lean out the windows, one foot stretched to depress the gas pedal.  Ice Cream Truck Employee hauls out a lance made of stacked cones six feet long, topped by a giant scoop of blue raspberry/vanilla swirl; Ice Truck Employee also hauls out a lance, this one made of cups and topped with a chunk of lemon ice.  Each lance topper is as hard as a rock.

Both Employees scream a battle cry in the key of their truck’s theme music and drive slightly to the side of each other so the trucks do not crash but their lances can reach the other’s face.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screams Ice Truck Employee.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screams Ice Cream Truck Employee.

 “Aaaaaahhhh!” scream the children observers, already mourning the waste of the lance toppers.

<Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing> screams the ice truck speaker.

<Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot> screams the ice cream truck speaker.

The trucks pass, and each Employee whiffs their chance.

“Ohhhhhhh,” the children sigh in a mixture of relief and disappointment.

The trucks skid while turning to face each other again, the lance toppers wobbling dangerously.  The Employees rev their engines anew.

“Best two out of three?” Ice Cream Truck Employee snarls.

“Bring it on!” Ice Truck Employee crows.

“HOLD IT!”

Contestants and spectators turn to face an unexpected and unwelcome group on the scene: Angry Parents

“What on Earth is going on here?!” Spokesparent demands.

“This doesn’t concern you, Meddling Sire!”  Ice Cream Truck Employee shakes the lance at the new group, nearly dislodging the melting weapon.

“Listen pal, I called your boss: your route’s scheduled to come through here at 4:00 on a Sunday, you can come earlier on Saturdays, now beat it!”

Ice Cream Truck Employee turns to glare at Ice Truck Employee: “This isn’t over yet, comrade: we’ll meet again on the field of battle, and I will have vengeance!”  Ice Cream Truck Employee draws the lance back inside the truck and begins licking the topper while executing a slow K-turn to exit the block, lowering the speaker’s music a smidgen on the way.

Ice Truck Employee turns to Spokesparent: “Thanks.”

“Don’t bother – I called your boss too, and you’re late for the rest of your route, plus you’re gonna get written up for wasting supplies and endangering the well-being of minors.”

“Oh.”  Ice Truck Employee turns to the group of children: “Anyone still want an ice?”

They all raise their money fists into the air: “Yaaaaayyyyy!!!!”

“See – they’ll always love me.”

Story 266: Corralling the Cub Scouts

            (In a restaurant, there is a gathering of servers)

            Leader: All right gang, eyes on me.  (Several in the group wander off) I said “Eyes on me!”  (They snap to) Now: we have quite a pancake breakfast crowd this morning and they’re all here to donate to a good cause, so we absolutely need to be at the top of our game today.  That means no lollygagging when seating people, no tomfoolery when getting their orders, and no dilly-dallying when clearing their tables.  You with me, people?!  (Blank stares, and one starts to cry)  I am surrounded by amateurs.

            Scoutmaster: (Briskly walks towards the group) Listen up, Tigers, Wolves, Bears, Webelos, and whatnots, it’s showtime!  Remember what we talked about at our last meeting, and go out there and take care of your guests!

            Leader: I’ve just now been giving them a firm but fair pep talk, sir!

            Scoutmaster: That’s great – why don’t you go with your mother and start seating people?

            Leader: Aye-aye!

           (The guests arrive at all sorts of staggered times, even though the event notice clearly stated “8:00 a.m.”)

            Leader: (To a table of two) Are you ready to order?

            Guest 1: Oh yes, I would like the T-bone steak please, heh-heh.

           Leader: I’m sorry, but they only have the pancakes and sides listed on the voucher.

            Guest 1: Oh shucks, heh-heh, guess I’ll have those and a coffee.

            Leader: (To Guest 2) Are you ready to order?

           Guest 2: If there’s only one item on the menu, we don’t really need to order.  (Leader blinks) I’ll have the same.

            Guest 1: Ooh!  Could I also have some milk?

            Leader: Let me check for you.  (Surreptitiously places a “Difficult” sticker on the edge of the table)

            (Later on)

           Leader: (To another Cub Scout) Stop banging those mugs together, they’ll break!  (To another) Did you seat those people hovering around the door yet?

            Cub Scout 1: Uh.....

            Leader: Never mind!  I’ll do it!  (On the way to the front of the restaurant, grabs another Cub Scout’s tie) You!  Have you been clearing tables as people finish?

            Cub Scout 2: Uh….

           Leader: Because there are one-two-three-four-all the tables as far the eye can see filled with empty plates and empty glasses!  Now get a move on!  (Releases the tie and approaches the family standing by the front door) Hello – three?

            Guest 3: Yes, please.

            Leader: Follow me, please.  (Leads them to an empty booth) Please have a seat.

            Guest 4: He’s so cute!  What is he, 8 going on 40?

            Leader: (After they are settled) Are you ready to order now?

            Guest 5: Why yes, I’d like a mimosa.  (The three chuckle)

         Leader: Sorry, we are not serving alcohol at this event – just orange juice, coffee, and apparently milk on request.

            Guest 3: We’ll all have orange juice, please

          Guest 4: Yes, and pancakes too, if it’s not too much trouble.  (Winks exaggeratedly)

            Leader: It’s not – pancakes are the only item on the menu anyway.  (Hustles out the orders to them with several assistants) Here you go!  Anything else?

            Guest 5: Just the check, please.  (The three chuckle again)

          Leader: You actually already paid; may I have the vouchers?  (The three hand them over) Thank you – have a great day! 

Guest 4: He’s so cute!

(Leader conducts a sweep of the area and spins in a circle seeing the dirty place settings all over several tables)

Leader: What is this madness?!

        Assistant Cubmaster: Honey, why don’t you sit down for a few minutes and have some breakfast?

            Leader: But Mom, I am the only one supervising 20 tables and they’re all covered in absolute filth!  I can’t work under these conditions, I just can’t!

            Scoutmaster: Hey everyone, Santa Claus is here!

            Leader: The man himself!  (Joins the rush to see The Right Jolly Old Elf)

            (After the initial scrum has subsided)

           Leader: Oh no, I’ve completely lost track of my tables!  (Runs to each) Do you need to order?!  Do you need to order?!  Do you need to – ?!

            Guest 6: We’re actually the pre-lunch crowd, kid; I think your event’s wrapping up.

          Leader: What?!  Our guests left without completing the surveys I gave them to rate their experience?!

            Guest 6: I see management in your future.