Story 611: Trying to Avoid Being Late for Work

            (In a department store break room, Friend 1 tiptoes through the door, quietly opens a small locker, and tries to stealthily stash a coat and messenger bag into it, getting louder and louder as everything refuses to fit)

Friend 1: (Muttering) Get – in – you –

Manager: (Peeks head around an inner office doorway) Hey: need to talk to you for a minute.

Friend 1: (Pushes a bulge in as another item falls out) Oh, hey, um, actually, I probably should, you know, get on out there – (Stops to pick up an item) they probably need me, you know, out there – (Stops to pick up another item) you know, now – (Stops to pick up another item)

Manager: That’s what I want to talk to you about.  (Looks down briefly as another item falls onto the floor) Leave that for now.  (Goes back into the office)

Friend 1: (Hopping around stuff while mumbling) Oh-kay, thought we were all “Safety First” here…. (Enters the office and sits in a chair facing Manager) So – what’s up?

Manager: Your tardiness rate.

Friend 1: Oh?

Manager: You clocked in just now 15 minutes late for your shift.

Friend 1: Oh?  I thought it was only 10.

Manager: If it was the first or even the third time I’d let it go, but recently you’ve been steadily increasing your lateness minute-by-minute, so that I’m pretty certain one day you’ll clock in right as your shift is done.

Friend 1: …Well that’d be a neat trick.

Manager: This is your first and last official warning; next time, I’m writing you up.

Friend 1: Ah.  I suppose there’s no way at this point you can pretend you didn’t see me come in 10 –

Manager: Fifteen.

Friend 1: Fifteen minutes late, and we’ll let this be a valuable lesson to me?

Manager: You clocked into the system so it’s in the computer forever now.

Friend 1: Right.  Guess next time I should just “forget” to clock in and ask a manager to do it for me, eh?  (Exaggeratedly winks)

Manager: That is completely unethical, and next time you should come in on time!

Friend 1: Got it.  Would you accept the excuse that there was a lot of traffic?

Manager: No, because I know you live about five minutes away.  In fact, traffic actually was lighter today since it’s a holiday and there was no school!

Friend 1: Rats.  (Thinks for a few moments) And getting written up just means my permanent record’s besmirched, correct?

Manager: Three of them means you’re terminated.

Friend 1: Ohhhh….

Manager: This isn’t news: it was in the employee handbook when you were hired ages ago and it’s brought up at meetings at least once a year!

Friend 1: Yeah, but you never think these things actually apply to you, am-I-right?

Manager: (Sighs) If I cared more, I’d ask if anything was going on that’s making you late more and more, but I don’t so I won’t.

Friend 1: Good, `cause I don’t have an answer except that I’m lazy.

Manager: Clearly.  (Holds out a tablet) All right, sign here that we’ve spoken about this, then go out there and salvage what’s left of your shift.

Friend 1: Wait, I thought I wasn’t getting written up yet?!

Manager: Not officially, but we have to document everything, including verbal warnings.

Friend 1: (Signs the tablet) Typical corporate shenanigans. 

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON 

(In the parking lot at Friend 1’s apartment building, Friend 2 pulls into a spot near Friend 1’s car as the latter is leaning against the vehicle)

Friend 2: (Hurriedly gets out of the car and rushes to Friend 1) Hey, what’s going on, are you all right?  You said it was an emergency.

Friend 1: (Pushes off the car and walks to the driver’s side door) You’re here, great: I need you to rear-end my car.  (Opens the door and starts to get into the driver’s seat)

Friend 2: (Pulls Friend 1 out of the car) Whoa-whoa-whoa – what?!

Friend 1: Yeah, I can’t get into too much detail right now, but basically I can’t clock in late for work again so I figured this would be the best excuse to not get written up and I technically wouldn’t be lying.

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: Sooooo – (Gestures to the two cars) you gonna help me out here or what?

Friend 2: Are you out of your mind?!

Friend 1: Yes, I think we established that some time ago.

Friend 2: I’m not going to ruin my car and deal with insurance and the police for something so inane as you wanting an excuse for being late to work!

Friend 1: It’s not inane, I could lose my job – eventually.

Friend 2: That’s a you problem!  Why don’t you just say you got stuck in traffic, like everyone else?!

Friend 1: They’re onto me with that one.  C’mon, aren’t you proud of me that I’ll be telling the truth on this one, strictly speaking?

Friend 2: No, because it’s my car that’ll suffer, and my insurance and license that’ll be slammed since you’re asking me to hit you!

Friend 1: Oh, don’t worry about that: I’ll take all the blame, say I wasn’t looking when I was backing up or something, and our state’s no-fault so it’ll just be our insurance companies duking it out and it’s all legal and no one’ll get hurt.  It’ll be a win-win-win!

Friend 2: Yeah, and meanwhile my rates’ll go up!

Friend 1: …Maybe I can write them a note?

Friend 2: Forget it!  I won’t even entertain the idea of committing perjury for you!

Friend 1: Oh don’t exaggerate – perjury’s only when you’re under oath, so at most it’ll just be fraud.

Friend 2: Not better!

Friend 1: (Tsks and shakes head) You know, you’re putting me in a real bind here.

Friend 2: I’m doing JACK SQUAT!  You’re the one who put yourself in this mess, and with all the time you’ve taken coming up with this asinine plot and having me drive over here, you could’ve been at work for hours by now!

Friend 1: (Thinks on that, then shakes head again) Nah, I still would’ve been at least 20 minutes late.  Wow, the time really is going up every shift.

Friend 2: What’s gotten into you, anyway?  Why is it suddenly so hard to get into work on time?  You’ve done it for decades with no problem until now.

Friend 1: I don’t know; I think maybe I’m going through my seven-year body change, and lately when I’m getting ready for work I realize that I really really really don’t want to be there.

Friend 2: Then either get a new job or get over it, because I am not staging an accident to enable your bad habits.  And what would’ve been your excuse for next time, hm?

Friend 1: I’m working on it.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.

(Another car suddenly backs into Friend 1’s car)

Neighbor: (Jumping out of the driver’s seat and running over to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t see you parked there, are you OK?!

Friend 1: …You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

Story 234: Fender Bender Mender

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are driving down poorly lit streets)

           Friend 2: (In the passenger seat, looking at phone) All right, it’s says there’s a right turn coming up soon.

            Friend 1: (In the driver seat, squinting out the windshield) I can’t see any street signs.  And where are all the street lights?!

            Friend 2: (Ominously) Maybe the people who live here don’t want to be seen.  (Looks out the windshield) Slow down; I know we’re late, but you shouldn’t overdrive the headlights.

            Friend 1: You think I don’t know that?!

            Friend 2: Clearly, I do think you don’t!  (Checks phone) OK-turn-right-here.

            Friend 1: (Squinting to the right) Where?

            Friend 2: Here.  Now.  Right-here-turn-now!

            Friend 1: OK!-OK!-OK!

            (As the car screeches around the corner after almost missing it, headlights momentarily blind the Friends as their car shears the front fender off the incoming car; both vehicles spin around and stop, facing the opposite direction from where they started.  Everyone involved sits there for a few moments; Friend 2’s phone dings to indicate that they completed the turn)

            Friend 1: (Shaking head) Oh no – this didn’t just happen – I can’t have caused an accident – I need to go back in time 10 seconds – oh no – oh no – oh no –

            Friend 2: I’m fine, thanks.

          Friend 1: (Shuts off the car and looks over at the other vehicle) Ooh, I don’t wanna go out there; they’re gonna kill me!  (Gasps and turns to Friend 2)  Unless I just killed them?!  Did I just kill somebody?!!  Did I commit vehicular homicide without meaning to?!!!  Am I an accidental murderer?!!!!

            Friend 2: (Slaps Friend 1’s face) Knock it off.  Look, he’s fine, see?

          (The Other Driver had jumped out of his car, run to the front to see the damage, run to the trunk to retrieve a toolkit, dropped it on the ground near the front of the car, and run to the fender that is now 20 feet away)

            Friend 1: (Gingerly taps the button to roll down the passenger side window; in a weak voice) Are you OK?

            Other Driver: (Freezes while holding the fender) Yeah-I’m-fine-you-OK?

            Friend 1: Yes.

            Friend 2: (Simultaneously) No.

            Other Driver: `K.  (Puts on a face shield and begins reattaching the fender with duct tape and a blow torch)

            Friend 1: (Pulls insurance card from the glove compartment and gets out of the car, followed by Friend 2.  Watches the flurry of activity for a few moments, then clears throat) Need any help?

            Other Driver: (Over the sound of welding) Nope!

           Friend 2: (To Friend 1) I can’t believe your teeny car caused that much damage.  And just look at it!  (The front of Friend 1’s car is smushed) It may never drive again.

            Friend 1: (Covers the car’s headlights) Ssh, don’t listen.  (To Friend 2) Well I can’t believe my life is over when five minutes ago it was just beginning!  And a mile away from the party, no less!

            Friend 2: Forget the party; I’m probably in for a lifetime of back pain and inevitable painkiller addiction, thanks to you!

            Friend 1: You mean thanks to your sloppy navigation, don’t you?!  You don’t tell someone to turn as they’re passing the street!

            Friend 2: You were going too fast!  In the dark!  You weren’t giving me anything to work with!

            Friend 1: And I bet you’re lying about your back pain, everyone else does!

            Friend 2: Just because I don’t feel it this exact second doesn’t mean I won’t in a year!

            (The Other Driver begins hammering the right side of the front of his car)

            Friend 1: (In a lower voice) And what about him?

            Friend 2: What about me?!

          Friend 1: We’ve already covered you; what if he, you know, (Whispers) S-U-E-S me?  For perpetual damages?

            Friend 2: (Staring at the hammering) I don’t think you have to worry about that too much.

            Friend 1: (To the Other Driver) Excuse me?  (The Other Driver pauses mid-hammer) Listen, I am so sorry about all this –

            Other Driver: Don’t mention it.  (Resumes hammering)

            Friend 1: Well, I have my insurance info right here, and we’ll call the cops to come over –

          Other Driver: (Stands and points the hammer at them) Don’t call the cops!  (The Friends freeze; the Other Driver’s eyes dart back-and-forth a bit) I forgive you.  (Resumes hammering)

            Friend 1: That’s very… kind of you, but I think it’s the law.

            Other Driver: (Gathers his tools back into the kit and throws it into the trunk) It’s unnecessary, no harm done, here’s something for your trouble (Tosses some large bills in their direction), and I’ll be on my way.  (Slams the trunk shut and heads back to the driver seat)

            Friend 2: (Nods at the bills and mutters to Friend 1) Don’t touch those.

            Friend 1: (To the Other Driver) I don’t think this is a good idea....

            Other Driver: (Re-enters his car) I don’t see the problem here, it’s win-win, you’ll never get a better offer in an at-fault accident, gotta go!  (They hear sirens approach; the Other Driver whips around to the Friends) I said no cops!

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) What’d you do?!

          Friend 2: I didn’t even!  You’ve messed me up so much I keep dialing 999 and getting England!

            Friend 1: (Looks warily at the surrounding houses, shrouded in darkness) Maybe one of them called….

            Other Driver: Whatever; peace!  (Floors the gas, spins the car around to the original direction, and peels away with the reattached fender occasionally sparking along the ground)

            Friend 1: That was odd.

            (A police car pulls up next to them)

           Police Officer: Which way did he go?  (The Friends point in the direction the Other Driver departed)  Curses!  Always a step behind!  (Peels away)

            Friend 2: (After a few moments) So, want to go to the party?

            Friend 1: I thought you said forget the party because of your lifetime of pain!

            Friend 2: Yeah, but this night might as well not be a total loss.