Story 453: Failed Inspection Fallout

             (In a Motor Vehicles inspection bay, Friend 1 and Friend 2 wait in a nearby roped-off area)

Friend 1: So, we’re making pretty good time today, I think.  Sorry you had to come with me to drop off the loaner and pick up the old girl – (Gestures to the car currently getting a physical by a technician) from the repair shop, but at least we can go to the beach right from here instead of having to take the extra time to come back and pick you up and then go.  We should get a spot right on the ocean at this rate.

Friend 2: (Typing a work e-mail on the phone to pass the time) Uh-huh.  You know you could’ve avoided all that if you’d brought the car in for inspection earlier in the month instead of leaving it last-minute, yes?

Friend 1: It is not last-minute; I’ve got a whole `nother week before the sticker expires!  And I was going to bring it in earlier, but life happened, and then the Service Engine light decided to make its stage debut – couldn’t exactly leave that on, bold as brass, when I brought it here, now could I?

Friend 2: And then the shop found about six other things that needed to be replaced a year ago.

Friend 1: It was still safe to drive!

Friend 2: Yeah, a year ago.  You’ve had so many parts replaced, your car’s turning into the Ship of Theseus.

Friend 1: I… don’t know anyone named Theseus, what?

Friend 2: (Finishes the e-mail and finally turns to Friend 1) It’s a paradox: Theseus with the minotaur and the labyrinth and abandoning Ariadne who helped him with all that  –

Friend 1: Oh yeah, that dude.

Friend 2: – had a ship that took him around for those shenanigans, but gradually every single plank was replaced so at some point, could you say that the ship was even the original ship anymore?

Friend 1: (Tilts head to think) …In spirit?

Friend 2: Forget it; bottom line is, you’ve had so many repairs done that you probably should trade it in before it gets any worse.

Friend 1: You hush your mouth – it still runs fine, and I just got brand-new brakes and semi-brand-new what’s-it arms and sort-of new windshield wipers and passably new tires so it’s absolutely perfect right now exactly the way it is!

(Technician slaps a “REJECTED” sticker on the car’s windshield; Friend 1’s head whips around at the sound and unblinkingly stares at the glaring red-and-black notice)

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Friend 2: (In a low voice) Uh-oh….

Friend 1: [Deadly silence]

Technician: (To Friend 1) Can I speak to you for a few moments, please?

Friend 1: (To Friend 2, in a semi-choked voice) Would you excuse me while I deal with this travesty?

Friend 2: Just remember to breathe.

Friend 1: Yessss s’mother.  (Exits the waiting area and passes the car, patting the hood lightly as it weeps) There-there, baby – Momma’s gonna get this allll straightened out.  (To Technician) Yes, my good state worker, what seems to be the confusion here?

Technician: You’re gonna have to bring the car back for inspection.  (Hands over several forms) Read the pamphlet, follow the instructions, and bring the car back after you’ve completed a drive cycle.

Friend 1: Forgive my diminished mental comprehension that apparently has struck me all of a sudden, but at the moment your words bear little meaning to me – this car is in perfect condition; better, even, since I literally just drove it in from the repair shop!

Technician: Well, that’s the problem.

Friend 1: But the wonderful service techs there repaired it so beautifully!

Technician: I’m sure they did, but they also shut off the battery which reset the on-board diagnostic system and now we can’t do a reading on it for the inspection.

Friend 1: Those jerks!

Technician: The battery’s always turned off so they don’t get electrocuted while working on the car.

Friend 1: I retract my slander.  So now what?

Technician: Like I said, read the pamphlet so you know what to do to complete a drive cycle – you can check your car’s manual, too – and bring it back for inspection after that’s done.  You get an extra month for it to pass.  (Friend 1 stares blankly at the forms) OK?  Can you leave now so we can continue with the miles-long line that we get here all day every day?

Friend 1: (Looks up blankly) Huh?  Oh.  Right…. (Blankly gets into the car, buckles up, and nearly drives away)

Friend 2: (Scrambles out of the waiting area and into the passenger seat) Hold-on-hold-on-hold-on – (Manages to buckle up as Friend 1 speeds out of the inspection bay and autopilots through the traffic jam leaving the parking lot) You gonna be all right?  Want me to drive us to the beach?

Friend 1: (Stopped at a traffic light) It failed?  I’ve never failed inspection in my entire driving life…. (Pats the dashboard soothingly as the car momentarily stalls) It’s OK, baby, it’s not your fault.

Friend 2: Are you talking to the car?

Friend 1: (Suddenly snaps out of it as the light turns green and they continue on the road) Wait a minute, it’s not my fault, either!  Why didn’t anyone at the shop tell me to wait before taking the car in for inspection?!

Friend 2: Probably because no else does that.

Friend 1: I can’t be the only one!  And the sticker’s right there, date and all!  (Gestures with one hand at the inspection sticker, notices the “DETCEJER” above it, and shakes fist at it) And now I’ve got a modern-day scarlet letter!  Word.

Friend 2: I don’t think it’s their job to monitor your inspection schedule.

Friend 1: Well – then – I am going to write them a very sternly worded SUGGESTION!

Friend 2: Splendid.  The beach is in the opposite direction, by the way.

Friend 1: FIDDLESTICKS!  (Plows through a U-turn while yelling out the window) Out of the way!  I’m driving a failed-inspection car so I’ve got nothing to lose!

Friend 2: (Head buried in hands to block the view) Please let us make it there in one piece.

(At the beach, Friend 2 is reading a book while relaxed in a chair under the umbrella while Friend 1, sitting on a blanket, agitatedly reads the failed-inspection paperwork while scrolling through a phone)

Friend 2: You know, the sun is shining brightly, the beach is basically clean, the ocean is beautifully crashing itself onto the shore, the out-of-school children and their adults are mostly behaving themselves, and you’re not taking in any of it because of one minor inconvenience.

Friend 1: (Turns slowly in horror to Friend 2) “Inconvenience”?  “Minor”?

Friend 2: Yeah – I read the papers on the way here and you really only have to drive the car on the highway a bit, stop-and-go a few times, and let it sit overnight; you’re practically there now, I bet.

Friend 1: Did you also read the part where I can still receive a citation if I let it go past the end of this month?!

Friend 2: (Eyebrows knot in confusion) Don’t remember that – it said you have until the end of next month now, where’s you see that other bit?

Friend 1: Here!  (Holds up the phone showing the Motor Vehicles’ site detailing failed inspections) The scarlet word won’t save me – I can get pulled over and thrown into jail at any moment!

Friend 2: Hardly – you’d probably just get fined.

Friend 1: Not feeling better!

Friend 2: (Starts burying feet in the sand) Face it, you’re just upset because you failed something that basically was avoidable if the timing was better and you’d known what might happen, and you now have to spend extra time, money, and gas to have it resolved.

Friend 1: (Returns to reading the forms) Those facts are not in dispute.  (Lowers the papers with a sudden slam) And now I have to wait on that super-long line AGAIN!

Friend 2: (Shrugs while sipping water) Go early in the morning.

Friend 1: And sacrifice my sleep?!  (Gasps) And what if it FAILS again?!  What am I gonna do then?!  How many times can I fail inspection before something happens?!  (Suddenly stands and runs into the ocean) This whole week is ruined!  (Dives into the water and starts punching the waves as fellow beachgoers cheer)

Friend 2: (Returns to reading the book) Your own worst enemy – ooh, the butler actually did do it, should’ve known that was coming.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In the Motor Vehicles inspection bay, the car is being reinspected as Friend 1 bites nails while standing in the waiting area)

Technician: (Scrapes off the stickers and adds a new one dated two years in the future) You’re all set – have a good day!

Friend 1: (Yanks nails out of mouth) Wait – that’s it?

Technician: Yep!  And as an added bonus, since it’s barely 7 in the morning I’m happy for you for the next five minutes!

Friend 1: (Leaves the waiting area) No, wait, you probably don’t remember me from last week –

Technician: Nope!

Friend 1: (Hands over papers) My car failed inspection then, so these said I have to bring them back now – isn’t there something else that needs to be done for this, like balloons and streamers or something?

Technician: Sure.  (Takes the papers, crumbles them into a ball, and tosses that into a nearby trash can) Sweet!  Three points!  (Turns back to Friend 1) Seriously: get outta here now.

Friend 1: OK, thanks!  (Dives into the car and speeds off)

Technician: (Turns back to face the entrance to the bay; smile drops when seeing the ginormous line that was not there several minutes ago) And so it continues….

Friend 1: (Driving back home, rubs the dashboard soothingly) It’s all right, it’s over now…. (Cell phone rings; Friend 1 answers it on speaker) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) So, what’s the verdict?  Pass or fail again?

Friend 1: How’d you know I’d’ve been there and had it done by now?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Smug.  It passed, woo-hoo!

Friend 2: Thank goodness – now we can all breathe in peace.

Friend 1: Oh hardy-ha-ha, you’re no help whatsoever.

Friend 2: Hey, I was there the first time!  Only because we had plans for later, but still.

Friend 1: Yeah, yeah.  Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know the Ship of Theseus is still sailing smoothly; I have a new sticker that will ward off the well-intentioned monitors for the next two years; and – (Eyes cut over to the dashboard) and –

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: AND THE SERVICE ENGINE LIGHT’S BACK ON AGAIN!

Friend 2: At least it waited until after the inspection this time.

Friend 1: True.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!

Story 382: What Was Lost Will Be Found – After You’ve Replaced It

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, The Little Plastic Card waited until The Human was distracted just enough, and one day saw its chance at last.

“Yippee!”  The Little Plastic Card cried for joy while hopping out of The Wallet – the other Cards there rejoiced at their fellow’s good fortune.

“Hurray!” they cheered.  “Fly, my friend!”  “Don’t look back!”  “Take me with you!”

The Little Plastic Card, reveling in newfound freedom, took the time to rest in the dark space where it had alighted – it knew it had at least a day before The Human realized something was amiss(-ing).

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh….”  The Little Plastic Card enjoyed the smooth ride on the back seat floor mat as The Human obliviously commuted to and from work.

 TWO NIGHTS LATER

The Little Plastic Card had just curled up in a blanket on the back seat when The Gum Wrapper popped around the driver’s seat cushion.

“Hey,” it said as an intro.  “You might want to start thinking about relocating soon.”

“How’s that?”

“Word is The Human’s due to go food shopping tomorrow – that’s when you’re usually taken out to do your thing, right?”

“Oh no, that’s tomorrow already?  How could I’ve lost track of the time?”

“Understandable; they’re the ones obsessed with time, what do we need stuff like watches and calendars for?  So, you might wanna skedaddle outta here before then, `cause when The Human takes out The Wallet to pay and sees you’re gone this’ll be the first place they’ll start looking.”

The Little Plastic Card seriously reflected upon this bit of news.  “Thank you so much for the warning, my friend.  If I may ask, how did you come to find out about this?”

“I heard the other Cards in The Wallet talking today while I was still in the pants pocket.”

The Little Plastic Card planned throughout the night, and by the morning was ready: when The Human opened the driver’s side door and slid onto the seat, The Little Plastic Card quickly ducked between the feet and landed on the ground – the timing was perfect.

Watching the car drive away, The Little Plastic Card waited until that was out of sight before making its way to The Human’s townhouse.  The front door had just enough of a gap at the bottom for one as flat as The Little Plastic Card to slide through, and it did so with little effort.  Surveying the empty home, The Little Plastic Card felt that sense of satisfaction when faced with abundance and hardly knowing where to begin.

“The bathroom, I think – I’ve never seen it…. Ooh, somebody hasn’t swept the floor lately.”

 THREE DAYS LATER

 “Yeah, I know I should call the bank, but it’s not stolen, I just can’t find it!”  The Human was surrounded by an array of Stuff pulled out of the bedroom closet, frantically turning out pockets while talking on the phone.  “Well it didn’t just hop out of my wallet so it’s gotta be here somewhere!”

“Hee-hee-hee!”  The Little Plastic Card stealthily made its way from the bedroom to the living room as The Human shouted: “That was the first place I looked!”

“You know,” A Sock under the couch chimed in while The Little Plastic Card climbed up an arm cushion, “The Human’s gonna have to replace you soon, out of necessity.  I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened by now, quite frankly.”

“Good – I’m enjoying retirement!”  The Little Plastic Card bounced from pillow to pillow.

“If you change your mind though, and you’re found after the new card comes in, The Human’ll have been instructed to destroy you.”

The Little Plastic Card froze in mid-bounce: “Oh.  Maybe I should let myself be found now, you think?”

“Depends on what you want out of life.  Me, I’m happy here with the lint and the mites; it’s rather peaceful.  My other half at the time didn’t fare so well: tossed unceremoniously into the garbage can once my absence was noted.  I’ll wind up there one day too, as soon as under here’s actually cleaned, but I figure I’ve got years yet, and garbage’s not so bad.  Least I’ll be in one piece; you’ll be all cut up.”

“You make a good point.”  The Little Plastic Card pondered how best to proceed until The Human wandered into the room, still on the phone.

“Hi, I have an account there and need to replace my debit card – ”

The Little Plastic Card dove between the cushions.

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Around 2:30 a.m., The Human took out a kettle that had not been used in ages; on bringing it to the sink, a flash at the bottom caught the eye.  Holding the kettle higher in the air, The Human saw The Little Plastic Card affixed to the bottom.

“How on Earth – ?”

The Little Plastic Card separated itself from the kettle and scurried off to the laundry room: “Yippee!”

The Human stared after it, then back to the bottom of the kettle: “Huh, they were right: lack of sleep really does mess you up.”

Story 359: All Roads Lead to I-Don’t-Know-Where

          (At an office, Friend 2 types frantically while darting glances at the time in the lower right-hand corner of the computer monitor)

           Friend 2: There’s still time – (Type-type-type-type) I can make it – (Type-type-type-E-mail Alert – asdfghjkl;) Guess that settles that.  (Pulls out a cell phone, selects one of the contacts, and props the phone against an ear while resuming typing)

            Friend 1: (On the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: [Disgusted sigh]

            Friend 1: That sounds like a work-related disgusted sigh.

            Friend 2: You’d be right. I hate doing this to you, but I’m gonna have to cancel for tonight: I’ve been bombarded with requests all day in multiple media, and just now I got a notice for something that has to be done before tomorrow so I’m gonna be here for at least another two hours finishing all this up.  It’s as if I did NOTHING ALL DAY LONG!  Sorry.

            Friend 1: Don’t be – I completely understand and refuse to join the treadmill you’re on.  Hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and check out this place tonight anyway?  `Cause I’ve been kind of looking forward to it.

            Friend 2: No, please, go have a blast.  The whole area sounds pretty neat; what’s it called again, a mall town?

            Friend 1: The term is “metroburb.”  And I’ll really just be going to the pop-up drive-in movie theater, but I also might check out some of the trendy office-stores in the main building and drive through the carbon copy housing developments just to freak out the neighbors.

            Friend 2: (Backspacing an entire paragraph) That’s great – I’ll still give you money for the movie ticket, though.

          Friend 1: Then you’d be giving me $0; it was a freebie from… something apparently not important enough for my brain to remember.

              Friend 2: OK, thanks.  And call me later and let me know what it all was like there.

              Friend 1: But of course.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (In an office breakroom)

            Coworker 1: (To Friend 2) You look tired.

            Friend 2: (Stares balefully at Coworker 1) When is it ever a good time to tell that to someone?

            Coworker 1: Thought it sounded sympathetic.

          Friend 2: It would, if you weren’t the cause of all my late nights this week!  (Aggressively bites into a bagel)

            Coworker 1: Well.  Guess that’s the last time I graciously offer you to help me with my overdue projects.  (Leaves)

            Friend 2: (Stares at the bagel) I was this close to bouncing you off their head.  But I love you too much.  (Devours the rest)

            Coworker 2: (Sits at the table next to Friend 2 and starts eating a salad) Sorry all this stuff lately made you miss out on the movie at the office village the other night.

            Friend 2: Thanks.  And I think it’s actually called an “urban suburb” – no that’s not right –

            Coworker 2: Whatever it is, it seems nifty – you hear from your friend yet on how it all looked?

            Friend 2: (Freezes) You know, I never did hear back….

MEANWHILE

            (In the blazing sun, Friend 1 drives through winding, endless roads)

            Friend 1: (Voiceover) Pilot’s Log: Day 3 of my journey through the metroburb, AKA Circle 10 of Dante’s Inferno.  I have long since given up hope of seeing another human being ever again.  The steaming paved roads are surrounded by carefully regimented trees and flowering bushes, looping in on themselves in never-ending rows of artificial greenery, the forest they replaced conspicuous in its absence.  They mock me with their enforced symmetry, the unnaturalness of their state rivalled only by the unshed tears they weep for their lost brethren cleared en masse to create this hellscape of modern living.

            I had passed the main building upon my initial entry into this cursed place, and have long since said my farewells to it – I have not clapped eyes upon it again in two days, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the pop-up drive-in movie theater was installed in the one corner of the mile-wide and mile-long parking lot that I did not drive through.  There was a good flick scheduled that night, too.

            Several hours after that midnight, I conceded defeat and attempted to navigate my way out of this black hole of a complex – for me, though, the event horizon was long gone: all the roads here are one-way and not one circled back to the direction from whence I came.

            This is one of the rare instances in my life where I regret never yielding to popular trends and installing GPS on my phone.  Or figuring out how to do that now.

            On Day 2, I spotted a family of deer and attempted to follow them home to freedom: however, traitors to their kind that they are, they seemed to have made this monstrosity their new home – which may actually have been the site of their previous home and they’re trying to make the best of things, so never mind – and they merely frolicked into the backyard of some human dwelling-in-progress, so they were no help whatsoever.

            I next followed the path of a flock of migrating geese, driving across the horrifically manicured medians when necessary just to keep them in sight – alas, they too seemed to have made this their home and now, typical of the current state of things, migrate nowhere.  I last left them amusing themselves in an abomination that is an artificial pond, useless to themselves and to me equally.

            I then attempted to create a map of the roads that I already had travelled, drawn on a bunch of take-out napkins that were sitting in the glove compartment, in order to locate the correct road out of here by process of elimination.  Having failed both Art and Geography in my younger years, the map I created is nonsensical and offends the senses.  I would symbolically burn the multi-napkin wreck, if I had not failed Scouts as well.

           This morning I drank the last dregs of sustenance from my water bottle; as the nuclear sun mercilessly beats down upon me, that artificial pond is starting to look better and better....

            (Friend 1’s cell phone rings)

        Friend 1: (Signals to pull into the empty road’s shoulder, puts on the car’s hazard lights, and answers the phone) Yeah, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I see your location’s still listed as being in the metroburb – just follow the signs to Main Street and you should be out of there in five minutes.  (Ends the call)

            (Friend 1 sets the phone onto the passenger seat, looks to the right of the car, and sees a sign planted into the ground that reads “Main Street ↑”)

            Friend 1: (Signals to pull back onto the empty road; voiceover) The journey continues as this intrepid survivor endeavors to decipher the markings that apparently were placed at regular intervals along the monotonous roads and yet, somehow, overlooked.  Attempting escape velocity as the event horizon appears in the distance in three, two, one –

             (A horn blares as Friend 1 cuts across a car’s path while making a left turn onto Main Street)

          Friend 1: (Screaming out the window) At last!  I have escaped the demons of suburbia, ahahahahaha!

              Driver: Freak.

             Friend 1: (Voiceover) My trials at last are over: I have reached journey’s end, and now need a nap.  My lone takeaway of this whole ordeal: I really wanted to see that movie.

Story 311: Car Repair Scope Creep

            (In a car, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

         Friend 2: So with the bee sting and now these hives breaking out all over my skin and advancing up my scalp and lately I’ve been having trouble breathing and swallowing, I don’t know, you think I should go see a doctor?

         Friend 1: (Focusing on turning into a parking lot) Nah, it’ll probably blow over.  (Immediately after the turn, they hear a clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk sound) Aw, fiddlesticks and tomfoolery!  (Pulls into a parking spot and both get out of the car)

            Friend 2: (Constantly scratching arms and head while following Friend 1 to the right rear tire) What is it?

            Friend 1: (Works at the tire for a bit, then yanks out a nail) Aha!  Got ya, you fiend!

            Friend 2: Oh no, is the tire gonna go flat?

           Friend 1: (Kicks it a few times) Hard to tell: seems all right, but give it 12 hours and it could bleed out completely.  I’m certainly not wasting the time nor the money calling roadside assistance for it now, so this can be Future Me’s problem tomorrow or next week or whenever.  C’mon, let’s get some ice cream before they close.

         Friend 2: (As they walk to the store) Are you sure?  Maybe bring it to the mechanic on Saturday, just to be safe.

            Friend 1: Sure-sure-sure, first thing.

TWO MONTHS LATER

            (At a car dealership)

           Friend 1: (Approaches the service counter) Hey, how’s it been since I was here in the summer?

            Service Rep: Oh hi, same as it was last time: miserable.

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, that’s great.  Listen: I have an appointment for an oil change and all that, and I have this here coupon I want to use before it expires tomorrow.

           Service Rep: (Takes the coupon) All right, let me set this up for you.  (Starts typing an invoice)

            Friend 1: Splendid.  Hey, you guys still have the bouncy castle and video arcade in the waiting area?

           Service Rep: Well, we had to get rid of the bouncy castle `cause of all the lawsuits, but we installed a hot tub next to the showroom if you’re interested.

            Friend 1: Sweet.  Ooh, almost forgot: could you have them also check the tires while they’re at it?  There may or may not be a slow leak in at least one of them, although they’ve been consistently passing the kick test with flying colors.

            Service Rep: Have you been checking the pressure with a gauge?

            Friend 1: The what with a what now?

            Service Rep: Never mind, we’ll check that, too – I’ll let you know when everything’s done.

            Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a doll!  (Heads to the waiting area)

        Service Rep: (Glances at body-builder self in a nearby mirror) Never been called “doll” before….

ONE HOUR LATER

            (Service Rep approaches Friend 1 at a pinball machine)

            Friend 1: Die, scum!  Oh, lost another one.

            Service Rep: Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Sips soft drink) Sure, I’m moving on to the racecar one anyway.  What’s up?

          Service Rep: Well, when they were doing the oil change they saw a few other things that… need attention.

            Friend 1: Yeah, the tires, I know.

            Service Rep: Actually, not the tires.

            Friend 1: Whaddya mean “not the tires,” one of them got stabbed!

            Service Rep: They’re pretty sturdy, so they’re all fine for now.

          Friend 1: Oh.  I was so geared up to change them, I’m actually kind of let down now.  So what’s wrong?

            Service Rep: Well, the car’s due for a transmission flush –

            Friend 1: Pshaw, “due.”  It’s due when I’m good and ready.

          Service Rep: – and the fuel injection and throttle have never been cleaned, so they really should be now.

            Friend 1: Are they actually dirty?

            Service Rep: We won’t know until we go in and look.

            Friend 1: Then what we don’t know can’t hurt us – next!

            Service Rep: And the rear brake pads are going to need replacing soon.

          Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink and tosses it into the garbage) Just replaced the brake pads.

            Service Rep: Those were for the front.

            Friend 1: Well, “soon” is not “now,” so, pass!

         Service Rep: I really do recommend you at least have the fuel injection and throttle done, considering the car’s age.

           Friend 1: Fine-fine-fine, you guys always manage to find something extra to tack on the bill, just do it and be gone!  (Hops onto the seat for the racecar game and begins driving)

ONE HOUR LATER

            Service Rep: (Approaches Friend 1 in the hot tub) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: (Head leaned back and eyes closed) No.

            Service Rep: Oh.

         Friend 1: (Opens eyes and leaps out of the tub, fully clothed; wraps a giant towel around dripping self) All right, what other nonsense do you want to contribute to my growing credit card debt?

            Service Rep: Please follow me – I’ll have the tech show you.

            Friend 1: Oh boy, sounds serious!  (Follows Service Rep to the bay, still wrapped in the towel; the Tech is waiting by the car, whose hood is raised) Ohhh, my baby, what have they done to you?  (To Tech) So what is it now, a broken hose?  A pulverized engine assembly?  No battery?

          Tech: Actually, when I started working on the fuel injection, I found this.  (Points to a giant rat’s nest embedded in the middle of the engine)

            Lead Rat: Yo.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: We can remove it, but they’ve chewed through a bit.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: Honestly, I can’t believe this car could even still be running.

            Friend 1: Fancy that.

            Tech: So, do you want me to go ahead and remove it?

            Friend 1: And add to your Labor charge?  Never!  (Picks up the nest in its entirety and tosses it over the fence to the nearby woods)

            Rats: Whee!

           Friend 1: (Briskly brushes hands against each other) I’m not worried about them – they’re a hardy bunch.  Now, what’s the actual damage?

            Tech: Umm… these wires.  (Holds up a few)

            Friend 1: Not so bad – I’d say less than $100 to replace, wouldn’t you?

            Service Rep: About that.  Plus or minus.

            Friend 1: More like minus.  I’ll be at the massage chair if you need me.

ONE HOUR LATER

            Friend 1: (On the phone, still in the massage chair) They actually gave you roids?

         Friend 2: (Voice) They had to – the hives migrated to my face and meals were becoming extremely difficult.

            Friend 1: All right, well, don’t start raging out on me.

            Friend 2: They’re not those kinds of steroids.  So how’s the car doing?

          Friend 1: Oh you know, they always find something unnecessary to fix to jack up the bill.  Makes me almost wish I didn’t have a car.

        Friend 2: Well, you’re extremely fortunate to have one.  We don’t have public transportation out here and everything is miles away so how would you get anything done?

            Friend 1: I said “almost!”

            Service Rep: (Approaches from behind the chair) Can I speak with you for a minute?

            Friend 1: What?!  (To Friend 2) Gotta go – the bill’s here.

            Friend 2: I’ll let you know if I still can’t breathe tomorrow.  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Pockets phone) Yes, can I help you?

            Service Rep: Well, when they were fixing the wires they found –

           Friend 1: (Leaps out of the vibrating chair) I don’t care what else they found, do you hear me?!  The car was running just fine until you people got your mitts on it!

          Service Rep: But these things have been there this whole time and your car could break down at any moment.

            Friend 1: Don’t care, I say again!  Now take my credit card for whatever’s been done up until now and get out!  (Flings card through the narrow slot at the cashier’s window and settles back onto the massage chair)

       Service Rep: (Leaves the bill at the cashier’s desk and runs past the chair) The-total-is-$1,232.67-thank-you-have-a-nice-daaaaaayyyyy!!!

         Friend 1: (In the vibrating chair, with eyes closed) What travails we owners of horseless carriages must endure.  When are they going to hurry up and invent transporter beams already?