Friend
1: (Sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by boxes of cards, address labels,
stamps, and an address book) So, if I calculated this correctly, I can use just
the cards from all these boxes from the past two years and not have to spend a
dime on a single new card this year!
(Goes to work writing names, semi-personalized messages, and addresses,
then labeling, stamping, and sealing; an hour and a half later) I did it? All the cards are ready to go, and we didn’t
even reach double-digits in the month yet?
My work is done, and this is now the post office’s problem,
ahahahahaha! (Raises arms in victory,
then looks around the kitchen) Wait, who am I talking to?
ONE WEEK LATER
(In
a supermarket)
Friend
1: (Shoving a shopping cart down an aisle) Grumble-grumble-work parties,
grumble-grumble-why do I get stuck with cupcakes every year,
grumble-grumble-grumble-next time maybe I shouldn’t volunteer to make them,
grumble-grumble-grumble-
Friend
2: (Rounding a corner with a shopping cart and almost crashing into Friend 1)
Oh, hey! How’ve you been?
Friend
1: Miserable. How’ve you been?
Friend
2: Wishing I was home and not here, but you know, food.
Friend
1: Yeah. Necessary evil.
Friend
2: Oh, by the way, thanks for the card!
Happy Hanukkah to you, too!
Friend
1: Uhhh, thanks? Did you convert?
Friend
2: No, I thought you were just getting into the spirit of the season and
celebrating everything this year.
Friend
1: What are you – ohhhh, I sent you the wrong holiday.
Friend
2: No worries; it makes me appreciate the spiritual side of the season more. I tend to get too focused on the
commercialism of it all, know-what-I-mean?
Friend
1: No, now I’m mad, I thought I checked who I sending what to, and now this
means I probably sent somebody who doesn’t celebrate anything remotely
religious a baby Jesus card, and now I’m mad!
Friend
2: I’m sure everybody’s fine with it – we’re all running around like we’ve lost
our minds this time of year anyway, and it’s the thought that counts.
Friend
1: Not to me, it doesn’t! I demand
accuracy!
Friend
2: (Sighs and begins to leave) Enjoy your holidays.
Friend
1: Yeah, you too.
THE NEXT DAY
Friend
1: (On the phone) Hi, how’s everything?
Uncle:
(On the phone) Oh, same old: back’s acting up again, closed on the house
yesterday, haven’t even started shopping –
Friend
1: That’s great – listen, did you get a card from me yet?
Uncle:
Oh yes, thank you very much for that!
You should get mine before Christmas – I’m a little behind this year,
what with the move –
Friend
1: Quick question: was it an actual Christmas or general
yuletide/wintery-themed card you got?
Uncle:
Umm, I think so, let me check.... (Sound of rustling) Yes, it’s got a bunch of
animals and snow on it. Why do you ask?
Friend
1: Oh good – I had a bit of a mix-up this year and seem to have sent out
somewhat mismatching cards to people.
Uncle:
(Chuckles) Oh, that’s fine: you know, it actually matches the card you sent me last year.
Friend
1: …What?
Uncle:
Yeah, I have everything out while I’m packing up the place, and I’d kept the
cards I got last year, and you’d sent me the same nice card then, I love it!
Friend
1: …WHAT?!
THE NEXT DAY
Friend
3: (On the phone) Hi, what’s up?
Friend
1: (On the phone) I’ll be blunt: the card you got from me this year, is it the
same as the one I sent you last year, or for a holiday you don’t actually
celebrate?
Friend
3: Oh, heh-heh, you know, I thought it looked familiar.... (Sound of rustling)
Yes, I remember that clownish snowball.
Guess you figured it fit my personality, huh?
Friend
1: [Loudly grinds teeth]
THE NEXT DAY
Friend
4: (To Friend 1, passing on the street) Hi!
I got your card – Happy Kwanzaa to you, too! I never celebrated it before, but this made
me go out and learn more about it, thanks!
Friend
1: Glad to help.
THE NEXT DAY
Friend
5: (On the phone) Hi! I got your card –
Merry Christmas to you, too!
Friend
1: Thanks. I take it this means you
didn’t get the Hanukkah card I thought I sent you.
Friend
5: No, but I figured it was love all, celebrate all!
Friend
1: That’s it: next year, I’m buying 1,000 copies of the same “Happy Holidays”
card and that’s all I’ll send forever and ever.
Friend
5: We’ll take that, too. And if you send
it by e-mail, you’ll save on postage!
Friend
1: Where’s the joy and goodwill and holiness of the season in that?!
