(Commercial)
Narrator:
(Voiceover) Ah, December. The most
wonderful time of the year, as the saying goes.
Do you spend most of it like this?
(Cut to five-lane bumper-to-bumper traffic, both directions) Or like
this? (Cut to a line of cars stuck
behind one very slow car) Or like this?
(Cut to two cars simultaneously reversing out of spots in a strip mall
parking lot and rear-ending each other)
Driver
1: (Shaking fist out of the window) Look where you’re going, moron!
Driver
2: (Shaking middle finger out of the window while driving away, leaving behind
a trail of car parts) Merry Christmas, ------!
Driver
1: I don’t think that season’s greeting was entirely genuine.
Narrator:
(Voiceover) Or like this? (Cut to cars
swerving in and out of the lane during a blizzard)
Driver
3: (Sticking head out of the window) On Dasher!
On Dancer! On all the rest, whee!
Driver
4: (Veering off the road) Weirdo!
Narrator:
(Appears on-screen) Well, fret no more, my children: we here at radio station
WNAP are here to answer your previously unknown prayers. Granted, we can’t take away the traffic – or
the snow – or the black ice – or the never-ending construction – or the
messed-up roads – or the terrible drivers who should have their licenses taken
away – BUT, we can make all those things basically irrelevant. Allow me to demonstrate. (Walks over to a car, which has an actor
simulating driving)
Actor
Driver: (Speaking to an invisible car in front) Press the gas, I know you can
do it, I believe in you, gaaarrggghhh!!!
(Slams head onto the steering wheel)
Narrator:
Now, observe the same subject as the environment is altered. (Leans in through the passenger side window
and turns on the radio; gentle Beethoven is heard)
Actor
Driver: (Blaring the horn) Move over, for the love of – oooooohhhhhh…..
(Immediately relaxes, eyes glazing over a bit; the grip on the steering wheel
lets up)
Narrator:
That’s right, folks: it isn’t medication, it’s not magic, just plain old sympathetic
resonance. Let’s try this out in the
field, hm?
(Footage
from a dashboard cam that is facing the driver)
Driver
5: (Steering erratically) Grrrr…. (Jabs a button on the center console; soft
sitar music is heard) Sighhhh…. (Leans back and begins steering serenely,
smoothly and safely changing lanes and then stopping with patience as a crash,
car horns, and yelling voices are heard) What a beautiful day.
Narrator:
(In an empty room) But don’t take my word for it: try it yourself the next time
you feel your blood boiling as every vehicle on the road seems to go out of its
way to torment you. And almost any
musical genre will do, as long as it’s around 60 beats per minute. Go ahead: feel your heart literally slow down
to match as the chaos besieging you on every side no longer seems to
matter! And to top it all off, your
driving actually IMPROVES because there’s something running interference
between you and the world, and you are now able to take everything in rather
than focus on just your own stress and the jerk in front of you. It truly is the Season of Miracles!
(Cut
to Driver 6, talking to the camera soothingly while driving breezily; Buddhist chants
are playing over the speakers]
Driver
6: I used to dread this time of year, averaging one accident per every five trips
– now, I simply glide on and off highways, swim through parking lots, and plow
over inches of snow, and I owe it all to the car radio. Thanks, WNAP!
Narrator:
Thanks to you, our loyal listeners.
And don’t forget: subscribe to us online, and you can then take us
wherever you go! This will come in
especially handy as you stand on the hour-long line waiting to buy that one
gift for an unappreciative recipient.
Happy Holidays from all of us at WNAP, and keep on gently listening all
year long!
(Cut
to a customer standing on line and wearing headphones, listening to string
music, and sporting a beatific smile – the camera pulls back to show they are
surrounded by people yelling, kids making messes all over with the store’s own
merchandise, babies crying, and employees holding their heads and screaming,
all of which gradually is drowned out by the swelling strings and the fade to
black)
