Story 557: I Wish The Voice In My Head Would Shut Up Sometimes

             (On a job interview in an office, Interviewer and Everyperson are seated across the desk from each other)

Interviewer: (Holding resume with both hands and tapping the edge on the desk) So!  What would you say are your greatest strengths?

Everyperson: Well, I work hard, and I’m a quick learner –

<Voice In My Head:  HA!>

<Everyperson: Huh?>

<Voice In My Head: You haven’t been a “quick learner” in decades – the memory loss is getting worse and your confusion in new situations has become legendary.>

Everyperson: (Nods in finality at Interviewer) Uh-huh, yes.

Interviewer: OK… then, what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Everyperson: Oh, um….

<Voice In My Head: “UMMMMM”?!  We’ve talked about this.>

Everyperson: I sometimes focus on a task so much that I overlook other priorities, you know, because I care so much about getting the job done right….

Interviewer: Uh-huh….

Everyperson: But I’m working on that.

<Voice In My Head: Eh, could be better.  Seriously though, why are you practically begging to have your time monopolized and your so-called talents exploited by a company that’ll barely compensate you for the agita it’s going to inflict and that’ll replace you with a robot the first chance it gets?  And do you actually want to work for this clown?  I can see all the future arguments you two are going to have, stretching across the decades – want me to play them out for you?>

Interviewer: (Stands and holds out hand; Everyperson also stands and they shake hands) Whelp, thank you for your time, but we’re going to go in a different direction.

<Voice In My Head: Heh, knew that was coming.>

Everyperson: Oh.  Thank you – bye.  (Leaves the office)

<Voice In My Head: You really are no good at promoting yourself, you know that?  Now was the perfect time to have a memorable wrap-up in case they change their minds later, but nope: “bye” was all you could do.  (As Everyperson quickly walks through the main lobby to exit the building) And if you start crying, you’ll only be advertising your failure to all these passing strangers.>

Everyperson: (Through gritted teeth) Knock it off.

<Voice In My Head: You wish.>

(At a party)

(Everyperson stands with Guest next to a snack table, both holding full plates)

Guest: Nice to see you!  How’s everything been lately?

<Voice In My Head: Don’t say “A little of this, a little of that,” everyone knows that means “Nothing.”>

Everyperson: Well…

<Voice In My Head: Say “Not much, but hoping thing’s’ll change soon; how about you?”>

Everyperson: A little of this, a little of that; how about you?

<Voice In My Head: …I’m out.>

Guest: Well, you know all that’s been going on with the family lately – (Everyperson nods and takes a bite out of some bruschetta) I really don’t know how we’re going to get by with all the medical bills and the car payments and the school payments and the house payments and the other payments I’m forgetting right now.  I probably shouldn’t even be here tonight, but my partner and I haven’t been on an actual date in almost seven years, so, you know, it’s something.  Gotta take some time for yourself, I guess, right?

Everyperson: (Nods) Sure, everyone’s gotta be selfish one in a while.

Guest: …What?

Everyperson: (Blinks slowly) I’m… sorry, that was rude – could you excuse me for a minute, please?

Guest: Sure.  (Slightly turns away and scarfs down a pile of crackers and cheese)

<Everyperson digs into the basement of the mind and finds Voice In My Head sitting on a couch and playing a video game that had been finished ages ago>

<Voice In My Head: (Holding a laser rifle, engrossed in the space targets) Pew-pew-pew-pew!>

<Everyperson: Excuse me!>

<Voice In My Head: (Turns around to see Everyperson glaring) Oh, hi there.>

<Everyperson: Of all the times to shut your trap, you pick now?!>

<Voice In My Head: What, stuck your foot in your mouth again?>

<Everyperson: Yes!  The one time I actually need you to chime in and tell me not to say something hurtful or embarrassing, and you’re down here tucked away in Memory Lane!>

<Voice In My Head: Well, I got tired of you either ignoring me or sassing me back, so I figured might as well have some fun instead.  (Suddenly picks up the laser rifle and turns to the face the game again) I’ve got you now!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew! –  (Everyperson grabs Voice In My Head and drags the latter out of the basement) Ow!  This wasn’t part of our arrangement!>

(At a family dinner, numerous relatives are seated around a long dining room table)

Relative 1: And I have to say – I won’t be silenced anymore – I have to say, those people – (Rants for five minutes straight)

Everyperson: (Takes a breath to counter when the rant finally ends)

<Voice In My Head: Not a word – you’re a guest here, and you never make a coherent argument anyway so you’ll just make things worse.>

<Everyperson: But – >

<Voice In My Head: Nope.>

<Everyperson: I – >

<Voice In My Head: Zip it.>

<Everyperson: Can’t – >

<Voice In My Head: Clam up.>

<Everyperson: Grrr.>

<Voice In My Head: Don’t even grind your teeth – that’s louder than you think it would be.>

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) And I have to say, that is pure hogwash, and you are a pedantic twit!

(A shocked hush falls across the table until Relative 1 and 2 simultaneously have at it with furious invectives flung at each other while everyone else ducks for cover)

<Voice In My Head:  (Gestures at Relative 2) See?  That could have been you.>

<Everyperson: (Finding a good spot to hide with everyone else under the table) Not helping!>

<Voice In My Head: (Casually leaning back in chair as food begins to fly) You can thank me later.>

Story 556: Unnecessarily Unrequited Love

             [Based not on a true story but on all those series where the main characters pine after each other for years just to string the audience along]

(In a forest, our two attractive Leads run away from an unseen danger until they find a large tree to hide behind and have a scene)

Lead 1: (Scanning the cloudy skies through the treetops as Lead 2 sinks to the ground, gasping) Well, it’s official.

Lead 2: (Tries to peer around the tree trunk) What, we lost `em?

Lead 1: No, we lost us.  I have absolutely no idea where we are right now.

Lead 2: Oh, I could’ve told you that: we were lost the moment we set foot in here, so nowhere to go but out, I suppose.  (They both chuckle exhaustedly as Lead 1 flops down to sit next to Lead 2, backs-to-trunk) We just need to rest a few minutes, get our bearings, and then we can figure our way out of this mess.

Lead 1: Uh-huh.  (Checks cell phone) Still no service, so no one’s coming to find us.

Lead 2: Just our pursuer, heh-heh.

Lead 1: That’ll be our luck: the only one who finds us out here is the one we’re trying to get away from.  (Leans head back against the trunk and closes eyes in frustration)

Lead 2: C’mon, we’ve gotten out of worse scrapes than this.

Lead 1: (Opens eyes and turns in disbelief to Lead 2) Name one!

Lead 2: Um… well… there was that time we were stuck in that elevator that kept slipping until it dropped 40 stories and crashed spectacularly at the bottom, but we got out at the last second before all that happened, hm?

Lead 1: That’s because the fire department came along and got us out!  We didn’t get ourselves out of anything!

Lead 2: OK, um… how about the time I got wounded by the suspect we were after, and we were all alone in the middle of nowhere – kind of like now – and really thought that was it for me and said our heartfelt good-byes, yeah?  (Lead 1 stares in disbelief at Lead 2 again) Sure felt like the end then, but we got out all right.  And I only spent a few days in the hospital instead of a whole week like the doctor thought, so win-win!

Lead 1: The team traced our cell phones before we lost the signal and followed our path through the cornfield we’d trampled!  This place – (Gestures to the surrounding forest) has too much undergrowth to even leave decent footprints!  (Thunder rumbles and rain begins to fall) And now any tracks we might’ve had’ll be completely washed away, great.  (Leans back against the tree again)

Lead 2: On the bright side –

Lead 1: Ugh, you and your bright side; drives me bonkers.

Lead 2: You’d miss it if I stopped.  On the bright side, this rain means it’ll also be hard for our pursuer to find us, eh?  (Lightly nudges Lead 1, who gradually smiles) Eh?

Lead 1: Yeah, I guess you have a point there.

Lead 2: Of course I do.

(They sit in companionable, wet silence for a few moments)

Lead 1: (Picks up a piece of fallen bark and starts scratching it while not looking at Lead 2) You know, I really did think that when you got hurt, that was gonna be, you know….

Lead 2: What?

Lead 1: It.  For you.  (Still looking away from Lead 2) For a while, thought I was gonna lose you there.

Lead 2: (Smiles and holds Lead 1’s hand, making the latter look at the former) Never.  Who else’d torment you at work every day?

Lead 1: (Chuckles) Right, we do need a tormentor on our team.

Lead 2: (Looks at Lead 1 thoughtfully) I didn’t want to bring it up at the time, since there was a lot going on with the investigation still and I was recovering from the blood loss and all –

Lead 1: Yeah-yeah.

Lead 2: – but I always wondered afterward… is it because you thought I was going to “bite the big one,” so to speak… is that the reason why you almost kissed me then?

Lead 1: (Suddenly lets go of Lead 2’s hand) I – did not almost kiss you!

Lead 2: (Skeptically-raised eyebrows) Really.

Lead 1: Yes, I already said I thought it might be the end for us – you! – you, and so I just… hugged you very affectionately there.

Lead 2: I think I should point out that one hugs with their arms rather than their mouth.

Lead 1: Sorry, my aim was off!  I was very upset at the time!  (Stands and stalks a few feet away as the rain gets heavier) Besides, why are you bringing all this up now anyway?!  We’re supposed to be figuring out how to both get away from and catch whoever’s after us, and I’m out of ideas!

Lead 2: (Also stands and walks around to face Lead 1; both now need to shout to be heard over the rain) I brought it up because things are looking pretty bad for us right now and we may not be getting out of this one!

Lead 1: You’re the one who’s always looking on the bright side; glass half-full, rainbows after the rain and all; aren’t you supposed to be saying we’ll be just fine and we’ll laugh about all this back in the office tomorrow?

Lead 2: There you have it: saying things like that is definitely a sure sign we’re not gonna make it!  (Lead 1 scoffs) I don’t know; we’ve been through so much together, we’ve known each other for so long….

Lead 1: (Nods) It’ll be a decade next month, and I still refuse to believe that much time has passed without me even noticing it!

Lead 2: (Smiles) Yeah, me neither!  We’ve gotten to know each other really well, have each other’s back through thick and thin no matter what, met each other’s families, and all that!  We’re friends, right?

Lead 1: Of course!  How could you even ask me that at this point in our lives?!

Lead 2: Just checking!  So… maybe, maybe that’s part of the problem; maybe I got a little too comfortable, maybe I thought it’d make things awkward and we couldn’t work together anymore, or maybe I thought it would ruin everything –

Lead 1: I don’t think I like the way this conversation is going!

Lead 2: (Trying to wipe the pouring rain off of forehead and eyes) I’m sorry, maybe this is completely one-sided, maybe you’ll never want to speak to me again, but after almost dying that one time and still not saying anything I can’t have this be the end for either of us without telling you that… I’ve been in love with you for some time now!

Lead 1: …What?!

Lead 2: It’s kind of embarrassing to pour my heart out twice so I’d rather not repeat the whole thing again if you don’t mind!

Lead 1: But… I don’t believe it!

Lead 2: (Shakes head) I know!  And I will always be your friend-slash-investigative team support member, but I know I’ve also been like an annoying sibling to you for way too long, so if you don’t feel the same way I do, I completely understand!

Lead 1: But I thought it was just me!

Lead 2: …What?!

Lead 1: I thought you knew – like you said, we know each other so well, I thought you knew – (Lead 2 stares uncomprehendingly) I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but I’ve been in love with you for years!

Lead 2: (Eyes widen in shock) Years?!

Lead 1: I thought I was embarrassingly obvious about it, though I didn’t mean to be!  You really didn’t know?!

Lead 2: Well… no!  I thought you knew and were just being nice so my feelings wouldn’t be hurt!

Lead 1: “Nice”!?  Me?!  Never been accused of that before!

(They laugh ruefully)

Lead 2: Soooo… are we saying that… we’ve been in love with each other for a long time, but were too afraid the other didn’t feel the same way that we never said anything?!

Lead 1: Sounds like it!  If it wasn’t so stupid, I’d cry!  (Lead 2 laugh-cries in relief until a huge bang is heard; both turn to see that a bolt of lightning had struck a tree and severed a few large branches that crash to the ground dangerously near them; they turn back to each other) I think that’s our cue to boogie!

Lead 2: (Grabs Lead 1’s hand as the latter starts to run) Wait!  Now that we’re finally on the same page after all these years, I think that’s actually our cue to make out!

Lead 1: Now?!  We’re still on the run from a perp, and we’re also still on the clock!

Lead 2: We’re salaried – there is no clock!

Lead 1: Oh right!  No overtime either!  (They both look down and sigh in regret over that)

(A disturbance in the forest gets their attention as Pursuer emerges from a close group of trees)

Pursuer: Aha!  Caught you at last!  You’ll never drag me back to prison, never-ever-ever – !  (Lead 1 grabs one of the fallen branches and bonks Pursuer on the head with it) Dangit.  (Falls to the ground, unconscious)

Lead 2: Wow.  Maybe we should’ve led with that before we got lost in here.

Lead 1: (Tossing the branch away) I wasn’t in the right mindset for it earlier.

(The rain suddenly stops and the clouds part, allowing the Sun to shine down in symbolic relief on the two Leads)

Lead 2: (Looking up briefly) Perfect timing.  Well, now that the danger’s past and all is well with our little world again, how about we finally give the people what they want?

Lead 1: What people?

Lead 2: I dunno – the universe or something.

(They passionately embrace with the pent-up emotions of a near-decade’s worth of suppressed pining as the unseen audience swoons)

Lead 1: (As they break apart for air) Not to spoil the mood, but after the first thrills of us hooking up eventually cool down, we still have to find our way out of the woods, carry this bozo – (Nods head at Pursuer) all the way so we don’t have to start another chase, and have to deal with the snide remarks and “I knew it!”s from our team, and possibly a raised eyebrow from H.R.

Lead 2: (Nods thoughtfully) Whelp, the first three can’t be avoided, but what H.R. doesn’t know can’t hurt it.

Lead 1: I knew we were soulmates.

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 554: Playing The Birthday Card

             (Honoree wakes up on birthday morning, stretches out arms and legs fully while in bed, then goes to the bedroom window and attempts to fling open the blinds, settling for a vigorous pulling of the chain instead)

Honoree: (Stretches out arms again to fully embrace the sunlight) Ahhhhh... what a glorious day to celebrate the world’s introduction to me.  (Picks up an ornate card that was propped up on the dresser) And what a day to finally use this….

(At a café)

Barista: (To a departing customer) Your-drink-will-be-brought-to-the-end-of-the-counter-thank-you-for-shopping-with-us-next-please.

Honoree: (Advancing to the front of the line) Hello, I would like a medium espresso, pumpkin-flavored since we’re in the season for it, and nothing else added, please.

Barista: That’ll-be-$5.95-plus-tip-if-you-find-it-in-your-heart-to-be-generous-but-if-not-I-won’t-judge-you.

Honoree: Ah, but I have this.  (Holds up the card for Barista to read)

Barista: (Eyes widen in shock) The Birthday Card?  You’re playing The Birthday Card?!

(All employee activity immediately stops as they turn toward the front counter as one)

Honoree: Oh yeah, I’m playing it.  ALL DAY.

Barista: Well then, everything here is free for you today!  Take the coffee, take a cookie, take a dinner, take the pastry case, all for you on the day of your birth, hooray!

Employees: (Gathering at the counter) Hooray!  (Clapping in unison) <“Happy-Happy Birthday/ We sing this song – ”>

Honoree: (Pockets the card) You can skip all that; just the free drink and I’ll be on my way.

Barista: Coming right up!  (To Employees) You heard the Birthday Customer!  Get going!

(Employees scatter in all directions to make the one drink)

Drive-Through Customer: Hey, you didn’t finish my order yet!

Barista: (Shouting through the window while still at the counter) Hold your horses, lazy!  (To Honoree) Are you sure there won’t be anything else?

Honoree: No, that’ll be all.  And since I now have extra change…. (Tucks a dollar into the tip jar) Least I could do.

Barista: (Hands over the drink) Most generous, oh Birthday Card Player!  Enjoy your day!

Honoree: Thank you; I will.  (Gingerly sips the coffee as other customers applaud) You’re too kind.  (To self while exiting the café) I could get used to this.

(At a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (Sees Honoree wandering onto the showroom floor and makes a beeline over with a huge smile) Helllooooo, and how may I assist you today?

Honoree: Yeah, which one’s your top-of-the-line, no-holds-barred, all-stops-pulled-out model, with all the bells and whistles that nobody really needs?

Sales Associate: (Guides Honoree to a monster vehicle) Why, that would be this year’s luxury tank – complete with both sun and moon roofs, autopilot, and mini-pool with a swim-up bar in the back; robot bartender optional.

Honoree: (Looks over the average-human-sized tires and nods) Yeah-yeah-yeah: I’ll take it.

Sales Associate: (Grin freezes slightly) Perhaps you would like to go on a test drive first – while we run a credit check – ?

Honoree: (Holds up The Birthday Card) I think you’ll find that isn’t necessary.

Sales Associate: (Eyes widen in shock) But of course – please forgive me, I had no idea – here are the keys.

Honoree: (Takes the keys held out by Sales Associate without looking away from the “car”) Thaaaank – you.  (Climbs into the driver’s seat using the built-in ladder and starts up the extremely loud engine) I’ll refer you to all my friends!

Sales Associate: (Weeping with joy) Oh, bless you!  And Happy Birthday!

Honoree: (While driving away) It sure is, woo-hoo!  (Crashes through the showroom window)

(At the top of Mount Everest, Honoree climbs down from a hovering private jet to stand on the peak and bask in the wonders of the natural world)

Honoree: (Slowly makes a 360° rotation in place, then nods approvingly) Pretty cool.  (Takes an inhale from an oxygen tank, peers down and sees a few climbers far below, then straightens up to gaze at the view again) Should I tell them it’s not really worth all that trouble?

(At NASA Headquarters, Honoree is escorted into the Administrator’s office)

Administrator: (Seated at a desk) I’m very busy – what do you want?

Honoree: (Sitting in a chair opposite) Yes, I would like Mars, please.  (Slides The Birthday Card across the desk)

Administrator: (Takes the card with a furious frown and examines it) Seems to be in order – (To Executive Assistant) Prep a space shuttle and crew, and get this Birthday Citizen the planet Mars immediately!

Executive Assistant: Right away, sir!  (Staff scurries to advance the space program by decades for a human expedition to, and relocation of, Mars)

Administrator: (To Honoree): Happy Birthday, kiddo – you earned it.

Honoree: (Leans back in seat and folds hands behind head) Indeed I did.

(That night, Honoree stands at the bedroom window again, staring fondly at the extremely close planet of Mars now taking up almost the entire night sky and disrupting bodies of water, the atmosphere, and gravity everywhere, and sighs contentedly)

Honoree: This is the best birthday ever.  (Holds up The Birthday Card to gaze lovingly at it for a few moments; brow suddenly furrows in thought) Wait a minute – I didn’t even realize – with this card, I have the power to change everything; I have the power to SAVE THE WORLD!  I can demand the end to all war, all hatred, all violence!  I can demand that everyone be fed, clothed, sheltered, educated, healthened – loved!  I can demand UTOPIA, right here, right now, and at last, there will be PEACE ON EARTH!  (Watch beeps 12:00 midnight) Oh well – maybe next year.