Story 472: New Year, New Me, New Everything

NEW YEAR’S EVE

 “That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to start that big project I keep saying I’m going to start but never do!”

“That’s great!  Good luck!”                     

“I don’t need luck!  I have motivation!”

“OK.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooo-hoooo!!!  First-time project completion, here I come!”

“So, you gonna start that on Tuesday, then?”

“…First-time-project-starting-in-the-New-Year, here I come!”

“Hm.”

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to broaden my narrow horizons and take that big trip I’ve been wanting to take my entire life!”

“That’s great!  How’d your big project go?”

“What’s that?”

“The big project you’d resolved to start at the beginning of this year.”

“Oh!  Oh that.  Well….”

“Yes?”

“I started it.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooo-hoooooooo!!!!  Big trip, here I come!”

“Got a travel agent yet?”

“Dooooo I need one?”

“For a big trip, one would help.  Especially when it’s you who’s going.”

“Sounds like extra work I don’t wanna do – I’m just gonna take off from here and land smack-dab there, yippee!!”

“Oh dear.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to sculpt myself into the glorious being I’ve always wanted to be!”

“That’s great!  So, how’d your big trip go?”

“Oh, that.  It didn’t: way too expensive, plus I didn’t really feel like, you know, doing all that stuff that goes with it, like walking through towns and seeing museums and appreciating new cultures and all.”

“Seriously?!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!!!  New Year, New Me, New Everything, here I come!”

“OK, so for this year, are you joining a gym or an online workout program or what?”

“What?”

“You said you’re going to sculpt yourself into the glorious being you’ve always wanted to be, so how are you going to actually do it?”

“Simple: I’m going to will myself into perfect shape, easy-peasy!”

“Never mind.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!”

“Here we go.”

“This New Year, no more resolutions that I can never keep for some reason!  About three months ago, I resolved to call and visit my family and friends much more than I have lately, and instead of waiting until January 1^st to eventually not do it, I started then and there and it’s worked like a charm!  People actually started liking me again.”

“Wow, that’s… great!  Good for you not waiting for some arbitrary date on an arbitrary calendar to change your life, and just going ahead and changing it as soon as you have the chance!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Wooooooooooooo-hooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  Calling and visiting my – wait a minute, I’m already doing that.”

“Yes!  It’s wonderful!”

“So what’s the point of celebrating New Year then?”

“So we all can feel mentally exhausted together.”

Story 471: The Hunt for The Gift

Announcer: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Hunt for The Gift, our annual competition extravaganza to determine who can track down and seize that special gift for that special someone, and who’s going to be told to just buzz off!  It’s certainly exciting to watch it, if not necessarily to live it…. So let the madness begin!

Shopper 1: (At a customer service desk) Hi, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 1: AHAHAHAHA!!!  Oh, you’re serious.

Shopper 1: Is that a “Yes”?

Retailer 1: We sold out in July.

Shopper 1: So is that a “No”?

Announcer: Let’s check our next contestant, shall we?

Shopper 2: (At a customer service desk) Hi, this is store #20 for me, today alone – I’ve been on The Hunt for the past month-and-a-half.  Do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 2: Stop wasting my time – next!

Shopper 2: Gotcha.  On to store #21!

Announcer: Back to our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another store) The Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 3: We never even received a shipment for it to begin with.

Shopper 1: Never?

Retailer 3: Not once.  Our customers hate us this year.

Shopper 1: I’ll say.

Announcer: And the other contestant!

Shopper 2: (On the telephone) Hello, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money that I can reserve for pick-up today, please?

Retailer 4: Ah yes, we decided that in order for this particular product to remain intact and unsold to other customers currently in the store, we’re requiring that the requester put down one part of their soul at the time of the reservation.  Nonrefundable.

Shopper 2: You want part of my soul just to make the reservation?!

Retailer 4: Yes.

Shopper 2: …Which part?

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another customer service desk) Hi!  Borderline violent shopper here: do you have the Gotta-Have-It –

Retailer 5: Get out.

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 2: (At home) Huh?  Oh, I finally just told that special someone they’re getting an IOU while it’s being shipped in from the North Pole, and I’m gifting packages of candy to comfort them in the meantime.  I’m now spending the remaining two frantic days of the shopping season on my couch wrapped up in a snug blanket with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, instead of spending that time endlessly struggling amongst the innumerable hordes.

Announcer: Yeah, thanks for playing.  (Cuts off Shopper 2’s video feed) Well folks, there you have it!  In The Hunt for The Gift, pretty much everyone loses!  But isn’t that what this season’s all about?!  Happy Holidays to all – I’m going home now to sleep off my exhaustion.

Story 470: Avoiding Stress This Christmas Season by Avoiding This Christmas Season

“That’s it!  This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas!  And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”

“OK, Scrooge.”

“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis!  This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me!  Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people!  Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know!  Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”

“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”

“Stress!”

“Oh, you’re still going.”

“So much stress, and for what?!”

“Well, goodwill toward – ”

“No!  This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet!  A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”

“OK, go for it.”

“I – wait, seriously?”

“You seem to really need it, so do it.  You take care of you.”

“Oh.  I figured I’d get more pushback.”

“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”

 WEEK 1

“Hi!  So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”

“Nope!  Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”

“Oh.  We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”

“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”

 WEEK 2

“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”

“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”

“Oh.  It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”

“I refuse both the gift and the guilt.  I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”

“Wow.  I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”

“I did.”

 WEEK 3

“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide.  I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”

“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”

“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”

“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

 CHRISTMAS DAY

            “Hello?”

“Merry Christmas!  I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too!  Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”

“Great!  You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already.  So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet.  How does it feel?”

“…Kind of boring, actually.”