Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 391: I Only Want to Buy Some Flowers

 “Happy Mother’s Day!” Friend 1 beamed, handing over a flat of 18 multi-color pansies.

“Oh hon, they’re lovely!” Mom also beamed, admiring the pretty flowers.  “I’ll plant them today!  Thank you so much – I know it’s starting to get past their season, did you have a hard time finding these?”

“Oh, they were no trouble….”

 THE PREVIOUS DAY

 “HELP!”  Friend 1 screeched into the phone.

Friend 2 winced, momentarily holding the phone away: “You sound extremely agitated, so I’m assuming this isn’t too serious.  Help with what?”

“Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and I’m at the store with all the plants and stuff – ”

“A nursery?”

“I guess; that always sounds like a place to shop for babies, though.”

“That’s `cause you’re a weirdo.”

“Anyway, I’m at the transplanted-plant-place and I looked all over the joint five times with a huge cart hitting everything and everyone every time I turn a corner and I can’t find them anywhere!”

“Can’t find what?”

“Oh sorry, thought I said – pansies!”

“Did you ask anyone there for help?”

“They look busy!”

“They want to make money through actual sales, though.”

“It’s too embarrassing to ask now, they’ve seen me pass by 15 times!”

“All right, do you know what pansies look like?”

“Of course I do!”

“….”

“I looked up pictures online before I came here, OK!”

“Another reason to give thanks for technology.”

“Yes-yes, for the clueless people like me!  And I’ve gone around this whole indoor-outdoor set-up 30 times, and I thought I saw them a bunch of times but no, those were petunias, and everywhere I look there’re petunias, and I’m surrounded by petunias, and I don’t need petunias, I need pansies!”

Friend 2 heard a voice in the distance on the other end of the call: “We have some pansies right here, actually.”

“That is one dinky pot that looks like it’s going to fall over and be reabsorbed into the ground at any moment!  I need a flat!  Which I assume means more than one plant!”

“Oh yeah, we usually carry them in sets of 18, but we’re sold out of ones with pansies right now.”

Friend 2 heard a roar begin to grow and interjected: “Listen, if you want to come by I’ll take you to the nursery where I usually get plants, all right?”

“That – !  Sounds wonderful, thank you, bye.”

An hour later, Friend 1’s car arrived at Friend 2’s house; Friend 2 entered the passenger side and saw Friend 1 was covered in dirt and leaves.

“Did you get in a fight there or something?” Friend 2 asked as they drove away.

“I may have gotten a bit turned around in Shrubs and Baby Trees.”

They arrived at another local nursery and parked at the very back of the lot.

“Good, it’s not too crowded right now,” Friend 2 said as they both exited the car.  “And if you just need the one flat then don’t bother with a cart; I’ll carry it while you pay.”

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me right now.”

As they entered the fringes of the nursery, a busload of horticultural enthusiasts and 40 more cars of panicky last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers arrived and dispersed their contents throughout the property.

Friend 1 tugged on Friend 2’s sleeve: “People!  People!  I’m gettin’ antsy!”

Friend 2 continued scanning the displays: “Calm down, we won’t be here for that long – excuse me?”  An employee with an armful of potting soil bags was stopped.  “Do you have flats of pansies here?”

“Oh yeah, they’re down that way,” the employee head-tilted toward the far end of the outside portion of the nursery as a walkie-talkie burst with static: “Are you coming here with that soil or what?!  I’ve got 500 customers on a line that’s stretched out to the highway, and I’m never gonna get to go on break today, never!”  The employee stress-grinned at Friend 2: “Sorry, I’ve gotta go – ” head-tilted toward the cash register section.

“Understood.”

Friend 1 glared at Friend 2: “While I admire your initiative, a vague direction in a sea of leaves and petals is hardly helpful.”

“It’s better than wandering around out here for the next half-hour with nothing to show for it – come on.”

They followed the winding paths through roses, hydrangeas, and willows, searching for the tell-tale bright colors with faces peeking through the petals.

Spinning around in a circle, Friend 1 wailed “I don’t see them!” before suddenly sitting down on a brick pathway in the middle of the tomato plants.

Friend 2 surveyed the area with narrowed eyes: “Yes, this appears not to be the category of flora we’re looking for.”

“I told you they’re too busy to ask – we got sent the wrong way in a panic!”

Friend 2 grabbed Friend 1’s arm and lifted, walking them back to the main entrance: “So, we’ll just ask someone else for help.”

“NO!” Friend 1 began to run through thorny bushes toward the parking lot.  “I won’t be sucked into this horrible snare of displaced Nature any farther!  I’m going to buy a cake or a bag of coffee or a spatula instead, anything to get me out of this fake forest biome, Mom’ll understand!”

Friend 2 grabbed the back of Friend 1’s shirt and pointed to a display next to the greenhouse they were passing: “The pansy flats are right there.”

Friend 1 blinked down at the flowers: “Well, whaddya know.”

They scooped up the booty and stood on line for 45 minutes.

“You know,” Friend 2 said while shifting the flat again to a more comfortable position, “this experience wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t waited until the day before Mother’s Day to buy the #1 gift for mothers.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Friend 1 said, staring at the register in the far distance.

“How so?”

“Could’ve been day of.”

Eventually, they reached the counter and the cashier rang them up: “That’ll be $89.03, please.”

“For a flat of $1 flowers?!”  Friend 2 nearly dropped said flat.

“No,” the cashier said as Friend 1 shifted to the side, “there’re also all these.”  The cashier gestured to the lawn gnomes, bird houses, and garden spinners piled onto the counter.

It was Friend 2’s turn to glare as Friend 1 said, “Hey, they don’t call them impulse buys for nothing.”

“Then you can certainly impulse buy and impulse carry them to the car!”

They dumped everything into Friend 1’s car and slowly entered the stream of traffic exiting the parking lot.

“This is why I never do errands on weekends!” Friend 1 shouted out the window while leaning on the horn.  “Mom’d better appreciate the sacrifices I make for her!  The ordeals I go through for one lousy plant – !”  Friend 2 took Friend 1’s hand off the horn.

“Remind me to not join you next time you need to buy a plant present.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all figured out now,” Friend 1 said through gritted teeth while nearly hitting a cherub statue and several trellises: “EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL!!!”

 THE FOLLOWING DAY

Friend 1’s smile at Mom widened.

“No trouble at all.”

Story 390: Living With The Giant Ball of Fur

 My life is ruled by The Giant Ball of Fur.

It is there when I wake in the morning.

It is there when I sleep at night.

The very air is saturated with it – I believe a fine layer coats the inside of my lungs.

Every article of clothing I own bears its traces.

On top of the dust, every piece of furniture in my home is covered with it.

The Giant Ball of Fur consumes my life.

It has even consumed the bathtub.

At 3:00 in the morning, The Giant Ball of Fur noisily swarms the bedroom, destroying the blankets and invading my face.

After vacuuming and sweeping the floors for hours, The Giant Ball of Fur reclaims its territory with a vengeance.

I express my displeasure; The Giant Ball of Fur rolls on its merry way, unaffected by the destruction in its wake.

After a rough day, The Giant Ball of Fur surges onto my lap and smothers me with affection.

There is no resistance – The Giant Ball of Fur has won.