Story 363: Haunted Attraction Bait-and-Switch, Part 2

 

(Friends 1 and 2 grip the fireplace pokers tighter as the noises of the approaching werewolf grow louder)

Friend 1: (Whispering) By the way, if we accidentally kill the Caretaker in this form, would we be charged with homicide or animal cruelty?

Friend 2: (Whispering louder) Would you just shut up for once?!

Friend 1: Fine – but I’ll be asking you about this later.

(They clench their teeth and fists as the heavy tread and steady growls come closer, closer, closer – then farther, farther, farther)

Friend 1: Is that it then?

Friend 2: Ssh!

(The tread and growls stop down the hall; they hear a soft knock followed by a “Who is it?”  After a few moments of silence, they hear a door open and Guests 1 and 2 gasp and scream “How stupid of us!”  They then hear growls, screams, running footsteps, and crashing furniture.  They continue to hold their fireplace pokers aloft, twitching and glancing at each other)

Friend 1: …Should we try to get some sleep again?

Friend 2: That’s it!  (Starts moving aside the furniture blocking the door)

Friend 1: Soooo, new plan?

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s called “Getting Out of the Death Trap,” which is what we should’ve done hours ago!

Friend 1: But we’re still locked in.

Friend 2: (Points to the open window) Not everywhere!  C’mon, help me out!

(Friend 1 helps Friend 2 move a bureau, and the latter then unlocks the door.  They tilt their heads towards the door and hear the sounds of struggle continue down the hall)

Friend 1: Is someone in there giggling?

Friend 2: I’d hate to find out.

(They open the door, leap out, and pause facing the direction of Guests 1 and 2’s door)

Friend 2: I dunno, maybe we should try to help –

Friend 1: By all means!  (Shoves Friend 2 in that direction and turns to run in the opposite just as Guest 3 opens a door)

Guest 3: (Beckoning frantically with both arms) Quick, get in here!

Friend 2: (Points with the fireplace poker down the hall) What about those two?

Guest 3: It’s too late for them, but we can still save us!

Friend 1: I like the sound of that.  (Strolls into Guest 3’s room; Friend 2 follows reluctantly; Guest 3 locks the door behind them and moves the bed to block it)

Guest 3: Now – (Grabs a map of the castle that was on a lamp table) I’ve been studying this thing all night and figured out that if we can get down to at least the second story of this place, we can jump to the ground safely from there if a window’s open like this one is.  (Gestures to the open window, which has knotted sheets dangling out of it)

Friend 1: Aw, why didn’t we think of that?!

Friend 2: Because we’re not mountain climbers!  And I doubt the sheets go down far enough to that floor!

Guest 3: They don’t, but they at least reach a balcony we can use to break into a room and go downstairs from there – hopefully our host’ll still be busy with our poor fellow guests to know we’re down there before we jump to freedom.

Friend 2: So why didn’t we just run downstairs while we were out in the hall?!

Guest 3: We would’ve had to run past their room; trust me, climbing down the building and then dropping 20 feet is much safer, now let’s go!

(Guest 3 leads the way, climbing over the windowsill and down the sheets to the balcony below while Friends 1 and 2 watch)

Guest 3: (Drops onto the balcony and looks up) What are you waiting for?!

Friend 1: Just making sure you made it without breaking your neck before I risked mine.  (Turns with Friend 2 towards the door as louder growls are heard, then quickly sticks the fireplace poker under an arm, climbs over the windowsill, and shimmies down the sheets to drop onto the balcony.  Friend 2 begins climbing down the sheets as Guest 3 opens the balcony door, runs to open the room door, and peers up and down the hallway)

Friend 2: (Dropping onto the balcony and grabs shoulder) Ow!  I think I pulled a muscle.

Friend 1: I’m just amazed we made it at all – I haven’t done anything this athletic since senior year in high school and that was decades ago.

Guest 3: (Waves at them, whispering) All clear, let’s go!

(They huddle together as they double-time it towards the nearest down staircase, each floorboard and step creaking loudly all the way)

Friend 1: Great, all our friend has to do is shut their yap for two seconds and they’ll know exactly where we are.

Guest 3: No choice – keep moving!

(They continue running down creepy hallways and pounding down stairs, with Guest 3 occasionally checking the map to see how many flights they have left)

Guest 3: One more!

(They freeze as a loud howl is heard above them)

Friend 2: You think they heard us?

Guest 3: Too late now!

(They run again and approach the last staircase as a figure suddenly appears in their path)

Ghost: Oh hello, I was wondering if you could help me with this: I heard there were vacancies for the haunting positions here – do you know if they’re still interviewing applicants for those?

Friend 1: Buzz off, pal, we’ve got not time for your employment issues!  (All three run through Ghost and down the stairs)

Ghost: (Sighs) They’d told me it’s rough out there.  (Drifts off)

(Guest 3 leads the other two to a room similar to the last one they left; they open the balcony door and peer over the edge of the railing)

Friend 1: (To Guest 3) You’re right!  Totally doable!  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)

Friend 2: Wait!  Oh too late – you OK?

Friend 1: (Stands and brushes off gravel) Yeah: if I’d thought about it, I’d’ve broken something.

Guest 3: (Pocketing the map) Good enough for me!  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off)

Friend 1: (Pats Guest 3 on the shoulder after the latter gets up off the ground) Well done!

Guest 3: Thanks – (Mutters to Friend 1) 20 feet is definitely a lot higher than I thought, though.

Friend 1: (Mutters to Guest 3) You’re not kidding – (Shouts up to Friend 2) it’s OK, you’ll hardly feel it!

Friend 2: (Nods nervously) OK.  (Hops onto the railing and jumps off, tipping over to the side on landing)

Friend 1: Oopsie.  (Helps up Friend 2) You all right?

Friend 2: (Shaking) Yes I am, liar.

Friend 1: I’m not apologizing for effective results.

Guest 3: Fine-fine-fine, let’s get to the cars!

(They run to the parking lot at the front of the castle and head for the cars, then stand there staring at them)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Did you bring the keys?

Friend 1: Why would I; it’s your car!

Guest 3: You didn’t bring your keys?!

Friend 1: You didn’t bring yours?!

Guest 3: Hey, I had the plan and the map, what more do you want from me?!

(They simultaneously look up the castle looming above them)

Friend 1: Think one of us can run back in there and grab them?

Friend 2: That sounds like a volunteer talking.

(A loud howl reverberates through the walls)

Friend 1: (Grabs the roof of Friend 2’s car and rocks it) Oooooh, useless!

Guest 3: No worries, we’ll just call the cops!  (They all look expectantly at each other) Either of you have your phone?

Friend 1: On the lamp table.

Friend 2: In my bag.

Guest 3: In my other pants.

Friend 1: OK!  New plan: we run to the main road, follow it back to the closest town, and flag down the first motorist we see; if they’re a serial killer or an everyday pervert the three of us can take `em on, right?

Guest 3: Oh yeah we can!

Friend 2: OR, better idea: we go to the fast food restaurant that’s RIGHT HERE and use their phone!  (Points to the fast food restaurant next to the castle)

Friend 1: But my adrenaline’s all geared up for the other thing.

(Friend 2 drags Friend 1 by the shirt as they and Guest 3 run into the fast food restaurant, which is devoid of customers; the lone Employee is half-asleep on an elbow at the cash register)

Employee: (Startled awake) `Lo – (Clears throat) welcome to Haunted Food Emporium [Trademarked] where the shakes are to scream for and all the food is dead, what can I get you this eve – early morning?

(The three rush the counter)

Friend 2: (Smiling semi-calmly) Hi, can we please use your phone?

Employee: Can’t use the phone until you buy something.

Guest 3: But it’s an emergency!

Employee: Sorry, don’t make the rules.

Friend 1: Listen kid –

Employee: My acne’s maintained by the fryer; I’m actually 31 years old.

Friend 1: Could you dial 9-1-1 and tell the cops we’re being attacked by a – a –

Guest 3: Homicidal maniac!

Friend 2: Rabid animal!

Friend 1: Homicidal maniac, please?

Employee: Wait, aren’t you all staying at the castle next door?

Friend 1: Clearly!

Employee: Yeah, it’s just the new werewolf attraction they’ve got going on there; no biggie.

(The three blink at Employee)

Friend 1: No… biggie?!

Employee: Yeah, it started about a year ago and the guests seem to love it – the few who actually come over here, that is.  You know, the franchise owners thought they’d make a killing – `scuse the expression – setting up shop right next to a haunted tourist stop, but if food’s included in the stay then who’s gonna trek all the way down 50 flights of stairs to come here?  That’s right, no one!  The guests who do come in are either on their way home or can’t go two days without fried meat, but whatever: if those guys keep paying me to stand here for hours, I’ll keep doing it; not my money.

Friend 2: So, wait, the werewolf’s attacked people before?

Employee: I wouldn’t say “attacked,” per se; from what I’ve heard, there’s lots of howlin’ and growlin’ and screamin’ and runnin’ and that’s about it – everybody goes home satisfied.

Friend 1: …For real?!

(There suddenly is a loud howl at the entrance to the restaurant; they all look to the front and see the werewolf standing menacingly in the doorway, claws and fangs out.  Friends 1 and 2 raise their fireplace pokers, Guest 3 raises two fists, and all three scream)

Employee: HEY!  (They all stop) I told you already: you’re not registered as a service animal, you can’t come in here!  (The werewolf slumps down and shuffles off; to the other three) Don’t misunderstand: when the Caretaker’s in human form I set `em up with a salad and shake about once a week here, but as that – (Waves a hand at the empty doorway) Department of Health’d shut us down in two seconds if I let `em in.  Plus it’s bad enough I have to clean up human hair; I’d rather not have wolf hair on top of that, I-thank-you.

(The other three stare at each other)

Friend 1: So we did all that running and climbing and jumping for nothing?!

Guest 3: You have to admit, the non-danger of the experience wasn’t clearly explained.

Friend 2: So now what, do we just… go back inside?

Friend 1: I guess – no wait, door’s still locked, forgot.

(Friend 2 sighs dramatically and tosses the fireplace poker to the floor)

Employee: Sounds like you all are having a great time tonight – would you like a cheeseburger and shake to celebrate?

Guest 3: Sure!  (To Friends 1 and 2) Either of you have your wallet?

(Friend 1 shakes the fireplace poker at the ceiling as Caretaker enters the restaurant with bedraggled Guests 1 and 2)

Caretaker: Hello there; you three doing all right?  You scuffed the furniture to block the doors and knotted a bunch of fine sheets and left balcony windows open to the bats; that’s being added to your bills.

Guest 1: Yeah, did you guys get the werewolf attack at all?  It was great!

Guest 2: Really spices up the relationship.

Friend 1: (Grinds teeth) No, we missed it.

Friend 2: We decided to flee for our lives instead.

Caretaker: Oh, that’s too bad.  Well, don’t you fret; there’s still one more night in your stay for me to get you all riled up.

Friend 2: I think one night was more than enough, thank –

Friend 1: That’s right, we’ve got a whole `nother night here to do this all over again, I can’t wait!

 THE END

Story 362: Haunted Attraction Bait-and-Switch, Part 1

 (On a deserted road through the woods during twilight, Friend 2 drives with the high beams on and white knuckles on the steering wheel)

Friend 1: (Snacking on potato chips in the passenger seat) – and the worse it gets at work, the more I wish I could leapfrog ahead to retirement; but then I think, “What if this is the time in my life where I’m at my peak?”

Friend 2: (Scanning the road for sudden deer) Huh?

Friend 1: I mean, what if this point in my life is the best it’s ever gonna be?  As in, I’ll never be in better health, my family and friends are all in handy reach, my financial debt is… manageable, I don’t have weirdos stalking me, most of my free time’s spent doing stuff I actually wanna do, that sort of thing!  Flash forward 30 – or let’s be realistic, 40 – years, I can finally stop dragging myself five days a week to a place I don’t want to be and deal with people I don’t want to talk to, BUT – I’ve been paralyzed by a stroke, or nearly all my family and friends are gone or hate me, or I have to live with the worst roommate ever just to have a roof over my head, or I’m, you know, bored!

Friend 2: (Glancing at the car’s navigation system) Oh thank goodness the entrance is coming up.  (Signals to turn onto a creepy overgrown drive)

Friend 1: (Looks out the window at the menacing trees evilly silhouetted by the red setting sun) No one ever wants to hear the truth.

(They park near several other cars in a gravel lot in front of a huge, run-down castle situated next to a fast-food restaurant; each take an overnight bag out of the car’s trunk and walk up a large set of stairs to the castle’s front door; Friend 1 slams the demon’s-head knocker mightily, three times)

Friend 2: I didn’t realize there were castles like this in the U.S. – it looks more like we’re in Romania or something.

Friend 1: (Rubbing at a spot of flaking paint on the door) Never underestimate the whims of rich people.

Friend 2: (Bobbing in place while waiting) So, think we’ll see any actual ghosts this weekend?

Friend 1: We’d better.  Although they hedged their bets by saying the history of the place and the setting and the mold and the mildew and whatever will be more of the experience, but I fully expect to be tormented by lost souls and screaming ghouls or by gum, someone’s going to hear about it.

Friend 2: (Sighs) I don’t doubt it.

(Caretaker opens the door with a wide smile)

Caretaker: Hello!  Welcome to The Haunted Castle [Trademarked] – come on in!  (Leads Friends 1 and 2 into the entranceway and lets the giant door boom shut behind them) You’re the last of our guests to arrive, so I’ll bring your bags to your room while you join the others in the great hall.

Friend 2: (As both clutch their bags to their chests) That’s OK, we can hold onto them.

Caretaker: Suit yourselves.

(They enter the great hall and head over to a roaring fireplace where three other guests are seated)

Friends 1 and 2; Guests 1-3: Hi.

Caretaker: (Gestures to two empty chairs while sitting in large armchair) Pop a squat.  (Still clutching their bags, Friends 1 and 2 sit) Now, this is just a brief get-together so you all know who’ll be staying with you in this massive fortress – otherwise you can spend the entire weekend wandering about the place without seeing each other once.

Friend 1: (Quietly turns to the side) Yessssss!

Guest 1: You mean “without seeing another soul,” don’t you, wink-wink?

(Friends and Guests 2 and 3 politely chuckle)

Caretaker: I don’t follow.

Guest 1: …Never mind.

Caretaker: (Distributes keys and maps) Now, most of the excitement’ll be later, but for the nonce simply enjoy this labor-intensive fire here, grab a quick dinner from the sideboard over there (Points to the sideboard), and get a quick nap in before I transform into a werewolf at midnight and the hunt begins.  (Heaves out of the armchair and shuffles to other end of the great hall)

(Friends and Guests stare at each for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Leaps out of the chair, still holding the overnight bag, and runs after Caretaker; Friend 2 and Guests follow) Excuse me!

Caretaker: (Turns to Friend 1 and smiles benignly) Yes, dearie?

Friend 1: Uh, not sure how to put this, but my friend and I made a reservation for The Haunted Castle –

Caretaker: Yes?

Friend 1: To be blunt, the description of the place quite clearly mentioned ghosts.  The kind that make books fall of the shelf and loud winds moan down a hallway, stuff like that.

Caretaker: (Frowns slightly) Oh.  I see the Web site’s not been updated, again.  (Expression clears) Well, fact is, a medium came here about a year ago and helped the ghosts settle their unfinished business, so they all cleared off.

Guest 2: What?!  I specifically came here to be harassed by frustrated phantasms!

Guest 3: Yeah, if this place is now just a dingy old safety hazard then I want my money back!

Caretaker: Relax, duckies, you’ll get your money’s worth: when the ghosts left the company recruited me to do the scaring, so you’ll be taken care of, don’t you worry.  (Pats Friend 1 soothingly on the arm)

Friend 1: (Shrugs off hand) We didn’t sign up for a werewolf attack!  We signed up for passive horror!

Guest 1: Yes, this is supposed to be a relaxing screamfest!

Caretaker: As a matter of fact, you all did sign up for a werewolf attack – says so in your final agreement and liability waiver.

(Friends and Guests all take out their cell phones, access their e-mail, and scroll through the agreement and waiver)

Friend 1: Huh, whaddya know, it does say “werewolf” – several times.

Friend 2: You told me to just sign it `cause you’d read it and it was fine!

Friend 1: The headings appeared to be in order.  (To Caretaker) By the way, I’ve always wondered: what exactly does “indemnify” mean?

Guest 2: (Groans while reading) I can’t believe this!  We waive the right to sue if we suffer loss of limb or LIFE!

Guest 3: Or property!  (To Caretaker) You are not getting your literal paws on my shoes – I will rip them to shreds myself first!

Guest 1: And not for nothing, if you call a place “haunted” that means ghosts should be here!

Caretaker: Not necessarily: you can be haunted by the living just as easily as by the dead.  `Sides, they couldn’t change the name of the place, it’s trademarked.  (The others all start talking at once) Dearies, please, don’t spoil the weekend.  Let me show you to your rooms, you go get some sleep, and I’ll be sure to give you plenty of howls before I start comin’ after ye, one-by-one.  (Starts gently herding the group to the main staircase)

Guest 1: Forget that – we’re outta here!  (Grabs Guest 2’s hand and they run to the front door; they struggle to turn the handle but the door refuses to budge)

Caretaker: (Chuckling) Now, now, don’t strain yourselves: we’re on lockdown till 2 p.m. Sunday.

Friends and Guests: WHAT?!

(Guest 1 runs to a window and tries to shake it open; failing that, Guest 2 grabs a vase and prepares to throw it through the glass)

Caretaker: (Moves like lightning to Guest 2 and grabs the vase) Oi!  You break anything and we have the right to sue you!

Guest 2: Argh!  (Sits down on the floor and fumes)

Friend 2: (Quietly to Friend 1) Want to risk it?

Friend 1: Normally I’d say yes, but I have a feeling I’d wind up slicing an artery instead.

Caretaker: (Sets the vase back down on a table and beams at the group) Now!  Anyone for hot cocoa before turning in?  (The rest all look at each other, then Friend 1 raises a hand) Splendid!

(Friend 1 still is drinking the cocoa as Caretaker leads both to their room)

Caretaker: (After Friend 2 unlocks the door and they all enter) As promised: twin beds, full bath, free Wi-Fi, starting up the fireplace’ll cost you extra, and a perfect view of the full moon that’s calling to me as we speak.

Friend 1: (Sets the empty mug down on a random table and hurries Caretaker out of the room) Lovely, marvelous, well done, I’m sure we’ll see you later, bye!  (Slams the door and puts on all the locks; to Friend 2) You wouldn’t happen to have any silver bullets handy, would you?

Friend 2: (Glares) Even if I had a license to carry a gun, why on Earth would I have silver bullets to load it with?!

Friend 1: Just checking.  (Goes to the window and opens it) Huh.  Thought we were on lockdown?

Friend 2: (Looks out and down) It’s a hundred-foot sheer drop!

Friend 1: Guess the owners don’t want us to suffocate before we’re torn apart by our host.  (Leaves the window and flops face-down onto one of the beds)

Friend 2: What are you doing?!

Friend 1: As recommended: taking a nap before the games begin.

Friend 2: How can you even think of sleeping right now?!  I’m freaking out!

Friend 1: (Talking into the pillow) Oh relax: go fill a spray bottle with water and just squirt our furry friend in the face after the door’s broken down.

Friend 2: Un-believable.  (Begins stacking furniture in front of the door as Friend 1 snores)

 11:59 P.M.

            (Friend 2 shakes Friend 1 awake)

            Friend 1: Hm?  Am I late for work?

           Friend 2: (Whispering) Ssh – you wish!  Here.  (Carries a fireplace poker and holds out another one to Friend 1)

           Friend 1: (Grudgingly takes it while yawning and scootching out of the bed) Fine, but I seriously think you’re overreact – (Is cut off by several loud, long howls)

            (Friends 1 and 2 stare at each other, then at the door)

           Friend 2: (Whispering even softer as they assume a defensive stance facing the door) Next time we go away for a long weekend I’m booking the place, understand?!

            Friend 1: Oh, like you’ve never had a reservation changed on you before!

            Friend 2: They sent you an e-mail about it!

            Friend 1: And who has time to read?!

           (They clam up as the sounds of a heavy tread and soft growls approach their door)

TO BE CONTINUED

Story 361: Painting Party With the Masters

 [Disclaimer: Not an accurate depiction of the real-life figures featured]

           (In the back room of a painting party studio, Artist preps for an upcoming event as Manager enters)

            Manager: Hey – your 2:30’s here.  As in all of them.

            Artist: (Freezes) What?!  Already?!  I didn’t even get to stencil the design yet, `cause you still didn’t tell me what they picked, and now you’re saying they’re all here, and it’s not even – (Looks at watch) 2:25?!

            Manager: Relax, you’re gonna like this one.

            Artist: I hate it already!

            Manager: You’ll change your mind when I tell you who they are.

            Artist: The only ones I’ll accept right now are the Dalai Lama and Mother Angelica!

            Manager: Let me back up a bit here: you know how you’re always whining about how you got your master’s degree in fine arts and jobs like these drain your soul more and more each day?

            Artist: I – !...  Did I say that out loud?

          Manager: Frequently.  And you know how when somebody here asked which famous people you’d want to have dinner with, living or dead, and you rattled off a bunch of painters you wish you were and never will be?

            Artist: You certainly remember a lot.

            Manager: Well, since today’s your birthday, that’s just the event that I booked for you.  (Opens the door and pushes Artist into the main room) Have a ball!  (Slams the door)

            Artist: (Stares at the six attendees seated expectantly at the empty easels set up for them) Uh… hello.

            Masters: Greetings.

            Artist: Sorry to keep you waiting – I wasn’t notified ahead of time which painting you would like to do, so if you tell me now we can get started.

          Leonardo da Vinci: (Holds up a postcard featuring The Last Supper) In all modesty, I believe this exquisite masterpiece would be sufficient for our needs.

            Gu Kaizhi: Ha!  That finger painting is unworthy of this gathering.  (Holds up a silk handscroll of Nymph of the Luo River) This, however, is what we should all strive to accomplish this afternoon.

            Georgia O’Keefe: (Holding up a coffee table art book featuring An Orchid on the cover) And I still say you can’t go wrong with the deceptive simplicity of the flower, AKA Nature’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if we can do any better.

            Christy Brown: I disagree: behold my selection.  (Holds up a copy of Boats in the Harbour with his left foot)

           Frida Kahlo: If you want to be conventional about the whole thing, then by all means choose that one; however, if you want true insight into the soul, I suggest you go with this little symbolic masterpiece.  (Holds up a copy of The Two Fridas)

            Chéri Samba: You are all so dull.  (Holds up a copy of Je suis un rebelle)  Clearly this is beyond your abilities but should be a fun exercise, no?

            (They all turn to Artist)

            Artist: Uhhhhh… you can only pick one design for this event.

            (They all toss their works behind them in disgust)

           Leonardo da Vinci: Fine, the majority voted earlier on that spaceship as a backup.  (Points to one of the canvases on display)

           Artist: (Turns to the canvas and moves it to an empty easel on a platform facing the attendees) Um, OK, just make yourselves comfortable and have a snack or something while I stencil the canvases for you.

            (The Masters burst out laughing)

            Frida Kahlo: We have no need for such a child’s tool – the blank canvas is all.

            Artist: OK.... (Distributes blank canvases to each easel) Just give me a few minutes then –

            Gu Kaizhi: Surely you do not need such a child’s tool?

          Artist: (Frozen in the Masters’ judging gazes) …Of course not.  (Sets a blank canvas a bit too hard onto the other empty easel, grabs a palette and brush, surreptitiously wipes sweat off forehead, and clears throat) So, for the background you want to dip your large brush into the black paint and work from the outer edges in.

           Georgia O’Keefe: (Starting to paint) I must say, I was the lone holdout on the extraterrestrial theme.

            Christy Brown: I am sure you can handle the vastness of space that is 90% dark matter anyway.

           Georgia O’Keefe: Exactly – between that and the artificial subject of the piece, where is the Life?!

            Artist: Um, you can use the other colors to add stars if you want.

            Chéri Samba: Way ahead of you; do you mind terribly if I add a supernova in the upper right corner?

            Artist: No-o, go right ahead and add anything you like: this is a casual, fun event where you can do pretty much whatever you want on your artwork.

            Georgia O’Keefe: How about a big ol’ rose on top of the space vessel’s bridge?

            Leonardo da Vinci: Enough with the flowers!  If I cannot have the ideal version of Man in my painting, then you cannot have random buds in yours!

            Georgia O’Keefe: Rude.

          Artist: OK, how about now creating a general outline of the ship, anywhere you like it and however you like it – it doesn’t have to match this.  (Waves the brush at the example canvas)

            Gu Kaizhi: What kind of attitude is that for a teacher to have?  Tell us what to do; don’t be shy!

           Chéri Samba: Actually, we shouldn’t be confined by what others have done before us; we should use the canvas to express our inner souls, and if that means extra thrusters and laser cannons that weren’t on the original painting, then so be it!

            Leonardo da Vinci: Ridiculous!  What’s the point of painting anything if you have nothing with which to compare it, so you can point at yours and say how awesome it is?!

            Frida Kahlo: Coming from someone who pretty much invented the helicopter, you of all people should encourage freedom of the brush stroke!

            Artist: How about we mix some complementary colors a bit to make a nice gray for the ship’s hull?  (Whips colors together frantically)

TWO HOURS LATER

           Artist: (Covered in paint, finishes the work with a flourish) And there we go!  All done!  (The Masters murmur polite praise) Really?  You like it?

            Masters: (Look at each other, turn back to Artist, and shrug) Eh.

            Artist: Oh.  (Recovers) Well, let’s see how your masterpieces turned out, shall we?

            Gu Kaizhi: Don’t be patronizing.

            Artist: Sorry – I’m in class mode.  (Tours the easels and sees that each Master painted their self-portrait, set in outer space)

            Christy Brown: Seems none of us could truly connect with the subject.

            Artist: Then why did you pick it?!

            (Five of them point to Leonardo da Vinci)

            Leonardo da Vinci: Apparently, I live more in the future than any of you ever will.

            Artist: You still only drew yourself!

            Leonardo da Vinci: One day, the ship will be superfluous: humanity itself will be the only vessel needed to journey to the stars.

            Artist: (Tosses the paintbrush into a nearby can and wipes paint-covered hands on a towel) OK, it’s your party; want me to take your picture with your… picture?

            (They all start to remove their canvases from the easels)

          Frida Kahlo: Actually, we must be going – thank you for your time, and I hope you learned something today.

            Artist: I was supposed to teach you!

            Frida Kahlo: Really?  How interesting. 

(They all leave; Artist slumps in a chair, facing the mess waiting to be cleaned)

Manager: (Enters from the back room) Soooo?  How’d you like “teaching” the Masters, tee-hee-hee!

           Artist: (Looks tiredly at the canvas painted that day) Turns out, there really is no right way to do art, and I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

Story 360: Moving Into a Haunted Money Pit

             (In a one-story house that has an attic and basement, Homeowner and Sibling stand in the living room surrounded by boxes)

            Homeowner: Whelp, that should be it for now; thanks for all your help with the move.

            Sibling: Sure, I had nothing else going on today – want me to help you unpack `em?

         Homeowner: Nah, can’t face that right now.  Just gonna open as needed.  (Rips open a box marked “KITCHEN SUPPLIES” and holds out a can) Beer?

          Sibling: I’m good.  (Homeowner shrugs, pops the tab, and drinks) So, I’m gonna hit the road now if you don’t need anything else.

            Homeowner: (Between gulps) Thought you had nothing else today?

            Sibling: Exactly: I’d like a nap.

            Homeowner: (Smacks lips and sighs) That sounds wonderful.

            (A loud groaning and creaking come from above; both look up sharply)

            Sibling: Whoa, what was that?

          Homeowner: …The inspector said I’d need to have the central air completely redone; thing’s falling apart.

            Sibling: I don’t think that was it – that sounded like, I dunno, an animal?  Or even – (Lowers voice to a whisper) a human being up there!  (The groans and creaks start again)

            Homeowner: (Looks at the ceiling for a few moments, then back at Sibling) Nah, probably just free air in the pipes.

            Sibling: What?!

            Homeowner: This place is a bit of a fixer-upper, unfortunately, heh-heh-heh.  (Sobs a bit while downing the rest of the beer, then tosses the can into a corner just as a loud BANG is heard overhead)

        Sibling: That’s it, I’m going up there!  Where’s the box with your knives?!  (Homeowner shrugs, reaches into the same open box, and hands over a table knife) That’s it?!  Where’re your carving knives?!

            Homeowner: Don’t have any; you know I don’t chef.

            Sibling: Fine – where’re your attic stairs?  And keep 911 on standby!

            Homeowner: Ugh, you’re being exhausting.  Guess no nap for you today.  (Leads Sibling to the hall closet, turns on a light, and opens the door to the attic stairs) Keep an eye out for the warped spots – there’s termite and water damage all through them, so they might collapse if you step in the wrong place.  (The groans and bangs get louder)

            Sibling: This whole place is gonna collapse in about a minute!  (Carefully runs up the stairs)

         Homeowner: Heh, you’re telling me.  (Starts drinking another beer while muttering to self) “You’d be a fool if you didn’t buy it this cheap,” they said; (BANG) “It’s just a few tweaks here and there, nothing that bad”; “Oh did we forget to mention the leaking roof?”; (BANG-BANG-BANG) “Oh, did we forget to tell you the entire kitchen floor needs to be replaced?”; (BANG-SHAKE) “Oh, did we neglect to disclose that the FOUNDATION IS CRACKED?!”  Caveat emptor, my foot.

            (Sibling runs back down the stairs)

            Sibling: Move out!  Move out now!

            Homeowner: If it’s just bats up there, they can stay – I’ve got bigger things to worry about.

            Sibling: (Turns back while running down the hall) Not bats!  GHOSTS!

            Homeowner: Huh?

            Sibling: This place is haunted!  Move out, now!

            Homeowner: Haunted, wha – ?  You don’t even believe in that stuff!

          Sibling: I do now!  I believe it all!  And you need to get out of here – I’ll help you put all the boxes back on the truck, we have it for another four hours, come on!  (Runs into the living room and grabs a box; Homeowner follows and slaps the box back onto the floor)

            Homeowner: (Coolly) I have spent and now owe more money than I will ever see in my entire life on this place – I am not walking away from all that debt just because you got freaked out over a noisy shadow!

           Sibling: (Raises hands and backs away) Whatever – don’t come crying to me when your soul gets possessed!  (Runs out the front door, hops into the rental truck, and speeds away)

           Homeowner: (Shouts out the front door) Guess this means you’re uninvited to my housewarming party!  (Hears BANG from the attic) If I ever get the furnace working, that is.

 THAT NIGHT

            (Homeowner sets up an air mattress in the empty bedroom, turns off the lone lamp on the floor, and settles in to sleep)

            Homeowner: Ahhh, nighty-night to me in my very own home.  And good night to you too, New Home!

            Ghosts: Good night!

            (Homeowner sits up suddenly and turns on the lamp – no one else is there)

            Homeowner: (Shuts off the lamp and settles back onto the air mattress) I swear, if I find out the previous owners left some stupid recording running in the walls somewhere…. (Falls asleep to a chorus of groans, creaking, and banging)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is in the bathroom, trying to fix the toilet)

          Homeowner: (On a video chat with Sibling while working in the tank) Well apparently, the former occupants also didn’t see fit to tell me that they’d jerry-rigged this thing with paper clips and flimsy tape, so now everything’s all rusted out!

            Sibling: Is the chain also rusted or is it just the clips?

          Homeowner: (Tries to shake the chain at the phone) The whole thing is rusted, see!  (Shaking chains also resound in the background)

            Sibling: Well, I’d say give your inspector a bad review and call a plumber if you can’t fix it, but first maybe ask if that GHOST behind you can help.

          Homeowner: Huh?  (Turns and sees Ghost 1 rattling chains) Do you mind?!  This is the only freakin’ toilet in the house and if I can’t get it fixed I’m toast, so I really don’t have time for your garbage right now!

            Sibling: Seriously?  You’re actually talking to them?

          Homeowner: This place is practically falling apart around my ears, and these bozos keep popping up thinking they’re the most important thing in my life!  (To Ghost 1) What about the buckling walls, hm?!  What about the mouse infestation?!  What about this UNFLUSHABLE TOILET?!!  (Shakes the chain again)

            Ghost 1: Did you try duct tape yet?

           Homeowner: (Throws a roll of paper towels through disappearing Ghost 1) Not helping, Josiah!

            Sibling: I’ll call you back later, yeah?

            Homeowner: Yeah all right – bye.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

            (Homeowner is about to sledge hammer one of the buckling walls in the bedroom)

        Ghost 2: (Appears behind Homeowner’s shoulder) That’s a bearing wall.  (Disappears)

        Homeowner: (Squeezes eyes shut in exasperation, then slowly opens them again) Thanks.  (Tosses the sledge hammer to the floor, sits down against the creaking wall, and cracks open a beer while watching the rain out through the window.  On the first sip, a drop of water lands on the moldy carpet)  Huh?  (Homeowner looks up and sees a steady stream of drops now are coming through the ceiling)  Son of a – !  (A BANG is heard as Homeowner runs up the attic stairs; at the top, two ghosts are seen to be bowling)

            Ghost 1: Aw!  Seven-ten split again!

            Ghost 2: (Writing down the score) Want the bumpers?

            Ghost 1: Never!

         Homeowner: Hey-hey-hey!  (Ghosts turn their attention to Homeowner) Would you two, just once, knock off whatever it is guys you do all day long?!

          Ghost 1: This is called “Ninepins.”  Only we added a tenth to keep up with the times.

        Homeowner: (Points to the dripping ceiling) There is a leak in the roof – (Points to the corresponding water-damaged floor) and in this floor, and in the ceiling below, and all the rain’s now coming everywhere in to flood the place!

            Ghost 1: Gee, that’s too bad – you try duct tape yet?

            Ghost 2: Oh yes, I heard that fixes everything now – wish we’d had it when we lived here.

            Ghost 1: Amen to that.  (They high-five each other and resume bowling)

            (Homeowner slowly walks back downstairs, grabs a bucket, sets it under the leak, and sits next to it while drinking the beer until the phone rings)

            Homeowner: (Takes the phone out of a jeans pocket and answers it) Hey.

            Sibling: You still got the collapsing house and the undead roommates hanging out in it?

            Homeowner: (Closes eyes as a BANG shakes the house and splashes more water in the bucket; cheers are heard from the attic) It’s being handled.

            Sibling: Doesn’t sound like it from here.

            Homeowner: Well unless you trained overnight as a construction worker and can fix this place from the underground up, then you have nothing to say on this issue.  (A loud rumbling issues from the kitchen) Oh what now?!  (Homeowner runs to the kitchen while carrying the phone and the beer, and enters just as the oven collapses through the floor to land in the basement)

            Sibling: Whoa!  Are you OK?!  Need me to call somebody?!

            Homeowner: (Staring at the hole in the floor, holds the phone back up to speak) No.  I just need to be alone right now.  (Ends the call and continues to stare as Ghost 2 appears)

           Ghost 2: You know, the last residents really didn’t take good care of this place.  I think you got hoodwinked.  (Disappears)

          Homeowner: Thank you, Hester.  (Sinks to the floor as a new leak appears in the ceiling and rain drips into the hole) Just my luck: finally able to move out on my own, and the only house I can afford is both haunted and a lemon.