Story 358: The Flaw Highlighter

 

            (In an office’s conference room, two coworkers are the last ones to leave a meeting)

          Coworker 1: (Gathering papers from the table) I wish they’d just condense these things, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Starts texting) Yeah.

           Coworker 1: I mean, we just had three back-to-back meetings with the same topics spread out across all of them, you know, and they could’ve just had one big meeting and been done in a quarter of the time, you know?

            Coworker 2: Yeah.

            Coworker 1: I mean, really, you know?

            Coworker 2: (Finally looks at Coworker 1) Yes, I know, stop asking me, I get it!

            Coworker 1: Wow.  That was unnecessarily harsh.

           Coworker 2: I’m sorry, it’s just – like you said, we had three back-to-back redundant meetings so I’m already in a foul mood, and the verbal tics sent me over the edge but that was rude of me, I apologize.

            Coworker 1: What verbal tics?

            Coworker 2: Seriously?

            Coworker 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

            Coworker 2: Huh, I guess you don’t, or else you wouldn’t do it.  It’s that you say “You know” a lot.  As in, all the time.

            Coworker 1: Really?  I guess it pops up occasionally, but you know –

            Coworker 2: (Points at Coworker 1) See!  You did it again!

            Coworker 1: (Eyes widen in horror) Oh my stars, I never realized….

          Coworker 2: (Starts to leave) It’s OK, but now that you know about it, you can take steps to knock it off.  Along with a few other things.

            Coworker 1: What few other things?!  How many annoying habits do I have?!

           Coworker 2: Well, there’s – never mind, I’ve gotta get back to my desk and try to answer 300 e-mails in five minutes, byeeee!  (Leaves)

            Coworker 1: (Sits slowly; in a small voice) How many annoying habits do I have?

            Coworker 3: (Pops up behind Coworker 1’s chair) Need a hand with that?

          Coworker 1: (Jumps in seat) Blazing supernovas, have you been here this whole time?!

          Coworker 3: It doesn’t matter – here.  (Hands over a card) Call this crew, they’ll help you out, byeeee!  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Stares at the card that reads “Flaw Highlighter: Where All Your Flaws Are Brought to Light, So You Can Take Steps to Knock Them Off”) Guess it couldn’t hurt to give them a call, you know – shoot!

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

           Coworker 2: (Enters office and passes by Coworker 1’s desk) Good mor – who on Earth is that?!

            Coworker 1: Oh, this is my Flaw Highlighter.  (Gestures to a figure seated next to Coworker 1) They’ll be shadowing me for the next few days to tell me when I keep repeating bad habits, annoying behaviors, that sort of thing, you know?

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on a clipboard) Phrase Repetition: 36^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Drat.  And it’s barely 8:00 in the morning.

            Coworker 2: You sure about this?  It could be a bit distracting to have this going on while you’re supposed to be working.

            Coworker 1: (Starts softly cracking knuckles) I figure it’ll be worth it if it helps me stop doing irritating things unconsciously.

         Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Item #17: Knuckle Cracking – first instance.

            Coworker 1: Huh?  (Looks at hands in mid-crack) No wonder they hurt randomly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits at a nearby desk) Well, let me know if you need anything.

            Coworker 1: Will do, heh-heh-heh!

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Nervous Laugh: 20^th instance.

            Coworker 1: Great, now it’s even annoying me, but it’s so hard to stop!

            Coworker 2: (Mutters to the computer monitor) This is gonna be a looooong day….

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER

            Coworker 1: (On the desk phone) I can try looking that up for you – (Types and sucks on teeth) – I see, it was submitted at the end of last year.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Teeth Sucking: 13^th instance.

         Coworker 1: (Mushes lips together) Mm-hm…. Mm-hm…. (Begins cracking knuckles) Mm-hmmmm....

          Flaw Highlighter: (Gently taps Coworker 1’s hands with a pencil before making a notation on the clipboard) Seventh instance.

          Coworker 1: (Sits on hands) OK, I’ll keep looking for the other one, but I may not be able to send it to you until Monday, you know?  (Winces)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Even hundred.

            Coworker 1: Sure-thanks-bye!  (Releases hands to hang up the phone)

            Flaw Highlighter: (Makes a notation on the clipboard) Phone etiquette is a bit rusty.

           Coworker 1: (Sinks head onto the desk) Can I stop having to interact with people for the rest of the day?

            Flaw Highlighter: No.  And you signed up with us for a month.

            Coworker 1: (Moans into the desk) Can I take a five-minute break from the surveillance, then?

           Flaw Highlighter: If you must.  A note will be placed in your file documenting this.  (Sets the clipboard and pencil down on the desk and freezes in place)

            Coworker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  (Walks to Coworker 2’s desk) Hey – got a minute?

            Coworker 2: (Looks up and takes off headphones) What’s up?  How’s the audit going?

            Coworker 1: Extremely well.

            Coworker 2: Excellent!

            Coworker 1: That’s why it needs to end now.

            Coworker 2: What?  Why?

            Coworker 1: Because everything I do and say is wrong!

            Coworker 2: No it isn’t!  Although that means what you just said was.

            Coworker 1: All right: everything I do and say is annoying!

            Coworker 2: Well….

            Coworker 1: Well?!

            Coworker 2: Not everything.

            Coworker 1: I can’t even take myself anymore!  Can I quit me?!

           Coworker 2: Listen, so you’ve got a few obnoxious quirks, but really, so does everyone else in humanity!  You can try to work on some of them, but if you obsess over every little annoying part of yourself then you’ll only wind up making them worse and enjoying life even less than you are now.

            Coworker 1: I guess.

            Coworker 2: Good.  Now dismiss the voice in your head so you can get some actual work done today – if you don’t send me the updated slides by 4:00 then you’ll really be annoying.  (Puts the headphones back on)

           Coworker 1: Oh all right.  (Walks back to the desk; Flaw Highlighter reanimates and picks up the clipboard and pencil) Yeah, so, we’re done here.  You don’t need to come back, ever.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Stands) You still want the report, such as it is?

            Coworker 1: Nah, I got the gist of it.

            Flaw Highlighter: (Nods) No refunds.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: (Sits at the desk, looks at Coworker 2 who smiles and gives a thumbs-up, then looks off into the middle distance) Maybe I should’ve gotten the package that focused on my prejudice and immaturity instead.

Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.

Story 356: Seeing People As When They Were Children

             (In a Hypnotherapist’s office)

        Hypnotherapist: (To Client) Welcome!  Have a seat.  (Client sits in a slightly uncomfortable chair) So, what brings you here today?

            Client: Well, I’d like to stop hating people.

            Hypnotherapist: OK, are we talking about a certain group of people?

            Client: No, I’m talking about the human species as a whole.  I hate all of them, myself included.

           Hypnotherapist: (Begins taking notes) OK, and is this a sudden onset of loathing or have you had these symptoms for quite some time now?

            Client: (Looks up to think) Probably can trace it back to when I hit puberty.  Which was almost 30 years ago.

            Hypnotherapist: Oh dear.

            Client: Yeah, the feelings were mild at first – a little irritation here, slight angst there – but as the decades pile up, they intensified to the point where it’s a struggle to leave the apartment to go to work or do errands.  Every single person I meet makes my life harder, or is yelling at me for something they messed up, or is just awful in general, or is bumbling around making the world worse.  I could barely bring myself to meet with you today, but you actually might be able to help me so, yeah.  Nothing personal.

            Hypnotherapist: Indeed.  (Stops writing) Well, I have a possible treatment that we’ll try first and see how that goes.

            Client: Oh great!  I may even like you now.

         Hypnotherapist: …Since the problem seems to stem from your inability to let go of your childhood –

            Client: What?!

            Hypnotherapist: – I’m going to give you a post-hypnotic suggestion so that whenever you start actively hating someone you’re speaking to, you will visualize them as when they were a child instead.

            Client: But you don’t understand: I hate children too, they’re not spared in this.

            Hypnotherapist: I get that; however, your anger appears to be directed towards how most people transform into demonic trolls as they age – the post-hypnotic suggestion will regress them in your mind to a state where they, most of them anyway, were pretty much innocent and better than they are now.  Before the nasty started accumulating in their brains, that is.

            Client: (Shrugs) I guess we can try it; what’ve I got to lose?

            Hypnotherapist: Just your deductible – now close your eyes and relax….

 THE NEXT DAY

            (At a supermarket, Client is stocking the shelves when Customer approaches)

            Customer: Complaint, whine, personal insult, unrelated tangent –

            Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Customer is now a 6-year-old child with tears streaming) Aw, don’t cry!  Let me see if I can make it all better, whaddya say?

            Customer: Heh?

         Client: Would you like a lollipop?  (Grabs one from uniform vest pocket and hands it to Customer)

            Customer: Ummm, sure…?

            Client: Now, let’s go up front and see if the nice employee at the Service Desk can help us out!  (Takes Customer’s hand to skip to the front of the store; Customer also starts skipping while sucking on the lollipop)

 THAT WEEKEND

            (At a large family dinner, Relative is seated next to Client and berating the latter’s life choices)

            Relative: Judgement, remonstration, homophobia, politics, racism, ramped-up judgement –

           Client: (Eyes glaze over as view shifts; Relative is now a 6-year-old child pounding fists on the table) You know, your parents must be so proud of you.

            Relative: Not to mention – what?  The blazes’re you talking about?

            Client: You’re growing up to be so independent and so strong!  They must really be happy with how you’re turning out.

            Relative: Uh, hello!  They were your grandparents, they’re still dead, and I’m not far behind!

            Client: (Smiles fondly and pats the top of Relative’s head) Such a fighter!  I bet they raised you that way, too.

            Relative: (Starts to sniffle) Yeah, they did teach me to stand up for myself….

            Client: And you want them to be proud of who you grow up to be, huh?

            Relative: (Nods quickly, tears flowing) I do!

            Client: You’re so lucky.

        Relative: (Full-out bawling) I was!  They were the best parents anyone could ever have!  (Collapses into Client’s arms, sobbing hysterically)

            Client: (Smoothing Relative’s hair while wearing a serene expression) There-there, let it all out, I’m here for you.

            Client’s Sibling: (Passing by) Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually comforting –

            Client: Ssh – don’t ruin it.

 THE FOLLOWING MONTH

            (In Hypnotherapist’s office)

            Hypnotherapist: (To Client) So, how’d the treatment go?

            Client: (Smiling beatifically) Like a dream.  I can face humanity now without wanting us all to be wiped out by a solar coronal mass ejection.

          Hypnotherapist: Excellent!  I’m so glad the post-hypnotic suggestion worked out well – I can write a paper on this and finally be accepted as a “real” doctor by all those snobs!

            Client: Whatever you say, kiddo.

            Hypnotherapist: Hm?

           Client: If you keep dreaming those dreams and working real hard, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.

            Hypnotherapist: Uh, I already did… (Points to the Doctor of Clinical Hypnotherapy degree on the wall behind the desk)

            Client: (Chuckles) Ambitious!  I like it: visualize your goal now, and you’ll have a better chance of achieving it in, what, 20, 25 years?

            Hypnotherapist: …Do you see me as a child right now?

            Client: Of course!  The world is full of children – you are all so easy to get along with!  A few bad seeds, true, but just send them to military school and they can still be productive members of society, I’d like to think.

            Hypnotherapist: You know, I’d like to do one more post-hypnotic suggestion to reverse the last one –

            Client: Whatever for?  I’m so happy now – you’re a genius, future doc!  (Holds out hand) Want a lollipop?

            Hypnotherapist: (Takes the candy warily) Not sure if I’ve created a monster in you.

          Client: I’d say not: the world is such a wonderful place now that you’ve given me the proper perspective for it!

Story 355: One Week Where Nothing Happens

            (In a department store’s breakroom, two coworkers are watching the tiny TV) 

          News Anchor: It is estimated that the recovery from this earthquake will take years, if not decades.  And that’s not factoring in the possibility that other just-as-severe earthquakes may soon follow, if the seismic readings are any indication.  If I may editorialize for a moment: just what we need right now, huh?  And now, Sports.

            Sports Anchor: All playoffs for the year are officially cancelled, and I’m wondering if I’m still going to have a job tomorrow.

            News Anchor: OK!  Moving on to Entertainment News!

            Entertainment Anchor: Eh?  News?

           News Anchor: (Listening to earpiece) This just in: another disaster has struck in the form of –

            (Coworker 1 picks up a remote control and turns off the TV)

            Coworker 2: Hey, I wanted to hear what the form of the next disaster is.

            Coworker 1: Do you?!  What are you going to do about it – actually help the victims?!

            Coworker 2: Probably not, but it’s good to stay informed.

           Coworker 1: Not right now, it isn’t!  Why can’t the news go back to boring stuff, like rescuing foolish kittens from trees, or the thrill of a tricky putt?  Stupid news nowadays.

            Coworker 2: Yes, everything bad that happens is all the news’s fault.

            Coworker 1: You know what I mean!  Can’t we just have one week where nothing happens?!

            Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments) OK.

            Coworker 1: Glad you agree.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you got it: one week where nothing happens.

            Coworker 1: Shyeah, right, what are you, a genie or something like that?

           Coworker 2: Something like that.  You just never really wished for anything this badly before.

          Coworker 1: …Wait a minute, I think somebody else here mentioned you did something like that for them a while ago.

            Coworker 2: Who?

            Coworker 1: You know, what’s-their-name.

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, that one.  So there you go.

            Coworker 1: Yeah, but I figured they were just, you know, lying.

           Coworker 2: Nope: it’s what I do when I’m not processing returns.  Enjoy your week of nothing happening.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a department store’s breakroom, Coworker 2 is watching the tiny TV)

           News Anchor: – the numbers continue to increase as everyone wonders whether this, truly, is the End Times.  And now, Weather.

          Weather Anchor: Well, we’ve got some off-season blizzards to go with those ongoing tidal waves –

            (Coworker 1 bursts into the breakroom, scoops up the remote control, and throws it at the TV, which turns it off)

            Coworker 2: Hey, don’t you want to hear more about the off-season blizzards?  Temps might reach -30°.

            Coworker 1: What was that?!

            Coworker 2: Sorry, that was in Celsius – it would be around -20° in old-fashioned Fahrenheit.

            Coworker 1: No, no, no, I mean what was that last week?!  What happened?!

            Coworker 2: Nothing.  As you requested.

            Coworker 1: But I – we all –

            Coworker 2: Sounds like...?

            Coworker 1: Nothing happened!

            Coworker 2: Ye-es, I believe we established that.

           Coworker 1: But I mean we all… lost a week, or were on ice, or I don’t know what!  I don’t even know how to describe it!

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, so basically, I just put the Universe on hold.

            Coworker 1: …Huh?

           Coworker 2: Well, in order for nothing to happen for a week, it took some doing but I had to stop everything so that nothing, in fact, would happen.  At all, anywhere.  I believe that satisfies your requirements.

            Coworker 1: But – no!  I meant I wanted nothing bad to happen for a week!  Or sad, or horrible, or cruel, or destructively weird, or –

           Coworker 2: You can’t add stipulations now, it’s over.  Next time, be more specific in your blanket demands.

           Coworker 1: Fine!  I wish nothing bad happens for a week, and that includes the following items: murder, disasters both natural and human-made, bigotry, abuse, insect invasions –

            Coworker 2: Too late: you only get the one wish.

            Coworker 1: That’s not fair!

            Coworker 2: Neither is life, but not much can be done in either case.

           Coworker 1: But you tricked me!  I’ve been working with you for over five years and you never once said you granted wishes, and you only tell me when I’m not prepared and already made a casual almost-wish!

            Coworker 2: You meant it at the time.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, well, I didn’t get the heads-up on the real-world implications!  This is basically entrapment – I had no informed consent on the wish-granting!

           Coworker 2: Look, there’s no point in complaining about it now: I did what you asked, it’s over and done for almost a whole day now, the planet’s no worse off than it was before, so really, just be grateful for the blessings you currently have, and start prepping for the storms and/or tidal waves that’re headed our way.  (Picks up the remote control from the floor and turns back on the TV)

            News Anchor: – it seems yet another swarm of locusts has wiped out –

           Coworker 1: You’re the worst wish granter ever, you know that?  (Takes off coat and starts to leave to clock in for shift)

            Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the TV) Oh yeah, don’t forget: at some point tonight, we need to do your annual employee review.  A few core competencies there you gotta work on.

            Coworker 1: (Raises fists to the ceiling) This is the worst year ever!

            Coworker 2: Says you: 1918 was no prize.  (Coworker 1 slams the breakroom door on the way out) So was 1883, come to think of it.  1619 was absolute garbage.  Also 1347 to 1351 were horrific.  Not to mention 597 and 605 BCE.  Wow, pretty much every year is the worst, to be honest.  The pre-Homo sapiens era wasn’t so bad, though.