Story 375: How to Pass the Time Before Your Head Is (Figuratively) Taken Off

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is typing agitatedly away as Coworker 2 approaches carrying a large soft drink)

Coworker 2: Haaaaaaappy Friiiidaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!

Coworker 1: (Without looking up) You know that sentiment unreasonably irritates me – we clearly are not happy and want nothing more than for Friday to end.

Coworker 2: Well, just the business-day part of it for us in the office contingent – I felt the same way you do when I worked weekends in retail; Friday nights were just the worst.

Coworker 1: I believe it: I probably was one of your customers.  (An e-mail pops up – Coworker 1 freezes while reading it) Oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: Uh-oh, sounds like that sinking feeling.  What happened?

Coworker 1: The thing – I sent – I forgot – it needs – I missed – on Monday –

Coworker 2: Let me guess: you submitted something that’s due on Monday and just now were reminded that something else is needed for it but since it’s – (Looks at watch) 4:49 on a Friday afternoon it’s too late to add anything and now you’re doomed?

Coworker 1: (Nods a lot with a panicked face) And the worst part is, I’m not the one who’s going to be presenting it; my manager is.

 Coworker 2: Ooh, double whammy.  Now excuses’ll have to be made for your incompetence, but it’ll just look like your manager can’t supervise employees properly.  You’re gonna get yelled at both for messing up and for making the boss look bad – I don’t envy you one bit.

Coworker 1: (Sinks down onto the desk) What-am-I-gonna-do?!  My head’s gonna get taken off!  Again!

Coworker 2: This has happened before?

Coworker 1: A similarly horrific mistake, yes.

Coworker 2: Well, there’re only two things for it: send your manager an e-mail confessing all, and spend the weekend having the time of your life before facing the end on Monday.

Coworker 1: (Sits up again) How can I even think about enjoying myself when I have this hanging over me?!

Coworker 2: Easy: it’s not going anywhere and there’s nothing to be done about it until three days from now, so why spend your remaining moments of non-punishment miserable?  Go wild, I say.  (Looks at watch again) Speaking of, that very nicely ends my shift – bye.  (Leaves, slurping the drink)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the computer monitor for a few moments, then types a reply e-mail) Metaphorical falling-on-my-sword, commence.  (Selects “Send,” sighs dramatically, logs out of the computer, cleans up the desk, and leaves)

 FRIDAY NIGHT

 (Coworker 1 slowly walks to the train station for the commute home, then stops in the middle of the sidewalk to the annoyance of pedestrians everywhere)

Coworker 1: Wait a minute – this is the self-appointed Greatest City in the World!  Why am I heading home to mentally gnaw on work issues when I’m literally in the middle of all this stuff?!  (Runs to the nearest club)

Pedestrian: You go, office drone!  Take the world and give nothing back!

(Coworker 1 spends the evening club-hopping, dancing to loud music, eating delicious junk, and riding home on the late train humming that one song that never leaves)

 SATURDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 sleeps late, then makes a gourmet breakfast before heading to the nearest mountain to ski)

Ski Instructor: And how many lessons have you had prior to this?

Coworker 1: None!  (Crouches into a ball before pushing off to head down the entire mountain)

Ski Instructor: Wait, I didn’t teach you how to fall yet!

(Coworker 1 screams all the way, reaches the bottom, stops safely, and tips over onto a small snowbank)

Coworker 1: (Lying on back and staring at the gray sky) Wheeeee….

 SATURDAY EVENING

 (At a movie theater box office)

Cashier: May I help you?

Coworker 1: Yes, I’d like a ticket to the double-double-feature please, along with five tubs of popcorn and seven gallons of soda.  Oh, and all the candy.

Cashier: (Rings up the ticket) Just a reminder the final show doesn’t let out until 3 a.m., and you have to get all that other stuff at the concession stand.

Coworker 1: (Swipes credit card) Right – it’s been so long since I’ve done this, I thought it was all consolidated to one purchase by now.

Cashier: (Hands over the ticket and receipt) Thankfully not.

(Coworker 1 runs to the concession stand, the unconsumed sugar already kicking in, then sits in a theater getting lost in other worlds for the next six hours)

 SUNDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 joins a group doing yoga on a beach)

Coworker 1: (To Yoga Instructor) I saw some dolphins out there on my way over – will they be joining us like the goats do on those farms?

Yoga Instructor: No, they need to stay in the water.

Coworker 1: Cool – maybe I’ll join them later.

(The group members invert their bodies for the next half hour)

 SUNDAY AFTERNOON

(Coworker 1 prepares to tandem skydive out of an airplane)

Skydiving Instructor: (Shouting over the rushing wind and the plane’s engine) Just remember: I’ll be doing all the work, so you literally don’t have to do a single thing except not get sick, if you don’t mind!

Coworker 1: No worries!  I figure if something tragic happens we’ll both go out together, isn’t that comforting?!

Skydiving Instructor: Not really!  (They jump, with Coworker 1 laughing and Skydiving Instructor guiding them and praying all the way down; they arrive back on Earth, intact)

Coworker 1: Yippee, let’s do that again!

Skydiving Instructor: Sure, if you’ve got another $300.00.

Coworker 1: Let’s do that again some other time!  (Separates their harness and rolls around on the ground in glee) I feel so alive, hooray!

Skydiving Instructor: That’s great – listen, I’ve got to get back for the next customer’s once-in-a-lifetime experience, so could you speed this up a bit?

 SUNDAY EVENING

(Coworker 1 curls up on the living room couch with a book and blanket; gentle music is playing in the background and lit candles are everywhere)

Coworker 1: (Engrossed in the novel) Aw, those two finally got together, that feels so fulfilling.  (Suddenly looks up and around) Wait a minute, I’m forgetting something aren’t I?... Of course!  Chocolate!  (Springs off the couch to whip up a hot chocolate bomb that’s all the rage this season, then sinks back onto the couch while smacking lips after the first sip) Ahhhhhhh, I have never felt so satisfied in my entire life since the time before I was kicked out of the womb.

 MONDAY MORNING

(Coworker 1 wakes in dread, eats breakfast in dread, rides the train in dread, walks to the office in dread, and approaches Manager’s desk in dread)

Coworker 1: Hi.

Manager: Oh hi, did you have a good weekend?

Coworker 1: The best.  How about you?

Manager: Eh, it was all right – had to spend some of it finishing up the presentation for today.

Coworker 1: About that....

Manager: Yeah?

Coworker 1: Did you get my e-mail on Friday?

Manager: Oh yeah, I wrote back but you’d probably already left for the day – it’s OK you forgot that one section, turns out we don’t really need it for this so it’s no big deal.

Coworker 1: …Oh.  Really?

Manager: Yeah, the rest of it can do without it so it doesn’t matter.  You OK?

Coworker 1: I’m fine, why do you ask?

Manager: Well, you looked like you’ve been thinking all weekend I’d take your head off or something like that.

Coworker 1: The thought never crossed my mind.

Story 304: Best Summer Ever/Worst Summer Ever

Friend 1: (On phone) Guess what?

Friend 2: I would never be able to in a million years.

Friend 1: Well anyway, my manager just told me to take a whole bunch of days off this summer `cause I have too many vacation hours built up and I’d better use `em or lose `em so, yeah.  This’ll be great: now I can finally shop on non-crowded days, and go to amusement parks with a bit shorter lines and slightly cheaper prices, and hang out at beaches where I’ll almost have room to lay out all my stuff, and I can’t wait, this summer’ll be AWESOME!

Friend 2: Wow, that is… great.

Friend 1: See if you can take a few days off too, so we can hang out on a few non-weekend days like we’re playing hooky!

Friend 2: I… can’t really: three people in my department simultaneously quit this week and now I have to work overtime every day for the foreseeable future.  Possibly forever, because I doubt they’ll hire anybody to replace them.  You actually may not see me for a while.

Friend 1: …Oh.  Well, let me know whenever you’re free, bye!  (Disconnects call)

Friend 2: [Slightly disgusted sigh]

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 1: (On phone) Mm-yell-oh?

            Friend 2: Just checking in on the real world – you still have off a few more days this summer?

            Friend 1: Oh yes: actually right now I’m lounging poolside on a cruise to… somewhere; I lost track of where we’re at today.

            Friend 2: Oh.  When did you leave?

            Friend 1: Umm, let’s see, was it Monday?  No, that’s not right – Saturday?  I don’t even know what day it is anymore, isn’t that funny, heh-heh-heh?

            Friend 2: It’s Tuesday.

           Friend 1: Tuesday!  Yes, exactly!  Now I remember; I think there’s a midnight buffet coming up later.

            Friend 2: (Through grinding teeth) So when did you leave?

            Friend 1: Oh right – I think it was Friday.  Does it really matter?

            Friend 2: Apparently not.

          Friend 1: Ooh, they just announced the limbo contest’s up here soon, gotta wrap this up – how’s everything with you?

            Friend 2: I have to go to a wake tonight and funeral tomorrow.

            Friend 1: Oh no!  Anyone I know?

            Friend 2: My great-aunt; you never met her.

           Friend 1: Oh good.  I mean, sorry, I feel bad, I meant good I didn’t know her, I mean, you know I’m terrible with tragedy, I mean, sorry to you all, I mean –

            Crowd in the Background: Limbo!

            Friend 2: I’ll let you go – bye.

            Friend 1: Thanks, bye, have a good week!  Oops, sorry, I mean –

            Friend 2: (Disconnects call)

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (On phone, in a hushed voice) Hello?

            Friend 1: Hey, you wanna meet me in Paris this week?

          Friend 2: What?  No, I – I’m working two-and-a-half people’s jobs, I’m in the middle of a neverending meeting right now, I can’t take any time off, what are you thinking?!

          Friend 1: Well, I’m in Paris at the moment, so if anything changes I’ll meet you at Charles de Gaulle Airport – just send me your arrival time and gate number before you land, m’kay?

            Friend 2: What – how – who –

           Friend 1: Oh, and make sure your passport’s not expiring in less than six months or else you might get stuck here – don’t know why six months, I’d almost understand if it was one month –

            Friend 2: What – when –

          Friend 1: Oh, and we should make time to tour the châteaux in the Loire Valley – but definitely the bulk of the stay’ll be in Paris.  You’re six hours behind us, so you should get here in time for dinner then, right?

            Friend 2: [Makes choking sounds]

            Friend 1: Don’t worry, they eat later here.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            Friend 2: (Waking up exhausted to answer the phone) Hello?

           Friend 1: So I’m in śavāsana at the end of my sunrise yoga session right now, which reminds me that I’m also doing absolutely nothing for the rest of today – want to come over and just lie on the floor with your arms and legs splayed out for hours?  We can have the ceiling fan going on overhead to have something to focus on.  (Hears dial tone) You still there?

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

           Friend 2: (Trapped in traffic, sees Friend 1’s number appear on phone) For the love of – (Bangs hands-free phone button in the car to answer) Yes – what?

            Friend 1: So my application to join the human expedition to Mars just got approved – wanna meet me in the space center this week and watch my microgravity training?

            Friend 2: What?!  Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: No – they accelerated the program so training got bumped up to this week.

          Friend 2: Well, good for you!  I’m on my way to another 16-hour workday before heading back in bumper-to-bumper traffic so I can move my stuff out of the apartment because the whole building got evicted!

            Friend 1: Really?  When did that happen?

           Friend 2: When you were in France, or the beach, or the Moon, I don’t know!  And now I have to live with my cousin who is a disgusting mess and another hour away from my job, so that’s even less sleep for me and more time driving, and I should have just said I’ll live in my car `cause I’ll pretty much be doing that now, and arrrggghhhh!!!!

         Friend 1: …So wanna meet me in the diner for ice cream when you get out of work at midnight?

            Friend 2: Yeah, all right.

Story 219: Winter Woes of the Car Owner

            She got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.

            “Hi,” The Car said to her.

            “Huh?” she replied.

            “Listen,” The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if you get my drift.”

            “What?”

            “Look, neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”

            “What?!”

            “Right, I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’  Whatever.”

            She finally snapped out of her shock.  “I am not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”

            “That was over four years ago, darling.”

            “No it wasn’t!  It was – that summer when – last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”

            “Yes, time doth fly and all that.  Bottom line is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping up on the maximum limit right now.  Plus the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”

            “But the battery’s working just fine!  It’s working right now!  And while you’re insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”

            “Nothing’s stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”

            She agreed with that at least and began her work commute.  “But I don’t see why I should spend the money on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again.  “Nothing’s wrong with it!”

            The Car sighed through the vents.  “‘Nothing’s wrong with it’?  Do you even listen to me when you’re in here?!”

            “Of course I do!  You purr like a freaking kitten!”

            “I haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering, sputtering, and stalling lately.”

            “What, that one time?  Not going to the mechanic for that!”

            “Try 15 times.  In the past month.”

            “…Well, you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.  Outta my way, jerk!”  <BEEEEEP!>

            “Much as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally screaming at you in the face.”

            “I clearly don’t have time for this right now.  How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up and have this all straightened out then, hm?”

            “I’ll try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”

ONE WEEK LATER

            She got into her car and tried to start it.

            “Huh?”

            STUTTER – SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK

            “Oh no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the failed ignition.

            The Car could not remain silent.  “I told you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”

            “No-no-no-no-” she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless time-fillers.  “Why does this always happen when I have to go somewhere?”

           “That really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it?  To go somewhere?”

            “What am I going to do?!”  She banged her head against the steering wheel.

            “Your only actual option right now is to get me a new battery!  Twit.”

            “But it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”

            “Call for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”

            She got out of The Car and slammed the door.  “You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”

           “Likewise.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll also get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”