Story 561: What Were the Witches of "Macbeth" Really Up To?

[All lines in quotes are from Macbeth by William Shakespeare]

(Spooky weather descends upon a medieval Scottish heath as three cloaked figures gather)

First Witch: “When shall we three meet again/ In thunder, lighting or in rain?”

Second Witch: How about in warm weather, clear skies, and low humidity instead – sound good?

First Witch: Yeah, fine with me.

Third Witch: No argument here.

First Witch: So!  The reason we’re meeting here today is about those never-ending wars that keep popping up around here: you think we should try to do something to, I dunno, stop them?

Second Witch: Great idea!  And as I always say, a little positive reinforcement goes a long way: those Macbeth and Banquo chaps seem like decent fellows, defending the King and all; let’s let them know their future rewards now and that should spur them on to do their best to keep the peace in this land even more!

Third Witch: Sound notion!  I second it wholeheartedly.

First Witch: And I third it.  Let’s flip the script on this warmongering country for once, shall we?

First, Second, and Third Witch: “Fair is foul, and foul is fair” – bad will become good, at last!

First Witch: I love using our powers for good and not for evil, don’t you?

Second Witch: `Tis a blessing, to be sure.

Third Witch: Just wish we weren’t treated like garbage and banished all the time for it.

(All three sigh in regret)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(The Three Witches, on the same heath, are seated in a circle and playing dice)

Second Witch: I win, again!

First Witch: Drat: I should’ve paid more attention to maths the one time it was actually being taught to me.

(A drum is heard in the distance)

Third Witch: “A drum, a drum!/  Macbeth doth come.”

First Witch: How you figure?  That drum could mean anyone doth come.

Third Witch: (Points to forehead) I’m using my inner eye.

First Witch and Second Witch: (Nod in understanding) Ahhhhh….

(They stand and pose witchily as Macbeth and Banquo enter heath right)

Macbeth: Behold: witches!  Always a good sign.

First Witch: (To Second Witch and Third Witch) Here we go – make it good.  (To Macbeth and Banquo) “All hail, Macbeth!  Hail to thee, thane of Glamis!”  (Gestures to Second Witch)

Second Witch: “All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, thane of…” (Holds hands to forehead briefly) “Cawdor!”

Third Witch: (With an overly dramatic flourish) Ooh, ooh, “All hail, Macbeth, thou shalt be king hereafter!”

First Witch and Second Witch: (Whirl on Third Witch) WHAT?!

Third Witch: (Blankly) What?  I’m doing the positive reinforcement thing like you said.

First Witch: (Turns, groveling, to Macbeth) What my weird sister meant is, thou shalt be like a king, in that thou shalt rule the people’s hearts and minds –

Macbeth: (Strokes his chin with a raised, conniving eyebrow) King, eh?  A few bodies stand in my way, primarily the current King himself, but they shouldn’t be a problem – for long.

First Witch: Now wait just a minute –

Banquo: Hey, what about me?  Do I get to be king, too?

Third Witch: (Holds hands to forehead briefly again) Ummm – “Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.”  (Is smacked upside the head by First Witch) OW!  What was that for?!

Banquo: Woo-hoo!  I’m the source of royalty, that’s amazing!

First Witch: (Hisses to Third Witch) Peace, you fool!

Third Witch: (Hisses back) Why?  That should keep Macbeth in check, don’t you think?  If he won’t have any kings in his family line, then he won’t be so eager to grab the throne in the first place and will just let the succession proceed naturally, right?

(The Witches turn to see Macbeth sharpening his sword and dagger while staring evilly at the oblivious Banquo)

First Witch: (To Third Witch) You wanna rethink that?

(Macbeth then whips out a quill and parchment and starts a letter)

Macbeth: Dearest Wife: You will never believe what happened to me today.  Tell me – what are your thoughts on proactive upward mobility?

(Macbeth and Banquo leave the heath, with Macbeth leaning on Banquo’s back to write his treasonous letter)

First Witch: I think we accidentally set things in motion that are going to end up really, really badly.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I only mentioned the promotion that Macbeth was going to receive anyway, so I take no responsibility for any duplicitous and bloody thoughts planted in that dude’s head.

Third Witch: But he seemed so noble....

First Witch: They always do in the beginning.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches meet on the heath again, very agitated)

First Witch: (Pacing) So, that escalated quickly: King Duncan, murdered; his son Malcolm, run away to England; Banquo, murdered on the orders of his former best friend – but!  At least his son Fleance got away to continue the family on through to King James VI of Scotland –

Third Witch: (Holds hands briefly to forehead) Who also will be King James I of England.

First Witch: Really?  Well, that’s an interesting turn of events.

Second Witch: I did hear that Banquo’s ghost made a guest appearance at – ugh – King Macbeth’s dinner party last night.

First Witch: Good for him: a little posthumous revenge is always healthy.  But now, you should know that Boss got word of all this and she’s none too happy.

Third Witch: Heh, she never is.

First Witch: I’d keep that observation to myself, if I were you.

(A flash of lightning and a crash of thunder reveal Hecate, making the Three Witches cringe and cower in fear)

Hecate: (Arms raised in fury) “How did you dare/To trade and traffic with Macbeth/ In riddles and affairs of death;/ And I, the mistress of your charms/ The close contriver of all harms/ Was never call’d to bear my part/ Or show the glory of our art?”

First Witch: Ummm….

Hecate: “And, which is worse, all you have done/ Hath been but for a wayward son/ Spiteful and wrathful, who, as others do,/ Loves for his own ends, not for you.”

First Witch: …Yeah, we went a little off-script there.  (Glares at Third Witch)

Third Witch: In our defense, oh Mistress of the Night, with the information we had been given on Macbeth’s character and integrity, we had no way to predict that he’d turn into a complete psychopath.

Hecate: Enough!  (The other three cower again) Fix this, before the entire population of Scotland is wiped out through his whims!

Second Witch: Most certainly, oh Bringer of Light; just one question – we three will not all share equally any possible punishment you may decide to dole out, yes?

Hecate: You three will be doomed to remain trapped for eternity in your cave or tree or wherever it is you call home by the time I’m through with you!  Imagine a rhyming couplet here; and with that, I am gone.  (Vanishes along with the bad weather)

First Witch: Well, that could’ve gone better.

Third Witch: Also could’ve gone worse

First Witch: True.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches use their magic to drag a cauldron full of water up onto the heath)

First Witch: All right, empty out your pockets, we’ve gotta make this thing look good.

Second Witch: (Pulls out items from cloak) Let’s see, I’ve got some… ginger root, a few elderberries, and a piece of willow bark.

First Witch: Great for headaches.  (To Third Witch) You?

Third Witch: (Holds out several items) Some lavender and a bunch of blueberries.

First Witch: (Nods) I think we can make those work.  (Holds out an herb) I found some sarsaparilla.

Second Witch and Third Witch: (Lean in to see) Oooohhhh….

First Witch: I think we’re all ready to go, then: let’s get this brew started and set the mood before Macdouche gets here.

(They use their magic to start a fire and boil the water, then begin throwing their items into the cauldron)

All: “Double, double toil and trouble;/ Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.”

Second Witch: (Getting carried away with throwing in the elderberries) “Eye of newt and toe of frog/ Wool of bat and tongue of dog – ”

First Witch: Would you knock it off?!  That’s absolutely disgusting!

Third Witch: Ooh, what about “Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf – ”

First Witch: No, no, no!

Third Witch: Rats.

First Witch: And not them either!  It’s such behavior that gives us a bad name, you know that?

Second Witch: (Suddenly looks up and holds hands to forehead briefly) “By the pricking of my thumbs/ Something wicked this way comes.”

First Witch: Oh cripes, Royal Pain’s here already, is he?

Second Witch: `Fraid so.  And now my thumbs hurt for some reason because of him.

(Macbeth enters heath left, wearing a huge crown on his head and robes of guilt and extreme ambition)

Macbeth: Hello there, evil hags.

First Witch: (Muttering) Why you little –

Macbeth: Things aren’t looking so good for me and missus right now: lots of nobles running off to England and plotting to overthrow us; Malcolm working with the English to take back the throne, which is a slippery slope if I ever heard one –

Second Witch: Yeah, you let the English in and they’ll never leave.

Macbeth: Quite.  So, tell me how the wife and I can come out on top of all this, m’kay?

First Witch: What for?  You made this mess, you clean it up!  Besides, it’s not as if you paid us for the fortunes we told you the first time!

Second Witch: (Elbows First Witch and whispers) Hecate won’t be too pleased if she hears this – remember, he’s liable to obliterate the entire county at the rate he’s going.

First Witch: (Whispers back) Gotcha.  (To Macbeth) Very well, here are more previews of your fate.  (Adds the sarsaparilla to the cauldron and stirs) “Pour in… (Shudders with disgust) sow’s blood” – blah, blah, blah, here are some spirits!  (After a few moments of inaction, First Witch grits teeth while addressing Second Witch and Third Witch) I say again, Here are some spirits!

Second Witch: Oh!  Right.  (Throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth!  Macbeth!  Macbeth!”

Macbeth: Yes, I’m still here.

Second Witch: “Beware Macduff!”

Macbeth: Knew it!  Always hated that guy.

(First Witch nudges Third Witch)

Third Witch: (To First Witch) You’ll love this; I’ve got a good one.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appear to be a spirit) “Be bloody, bold – ” wait, how am I gonna word this?

Macbeth: Sorry?

Third Witch: I mean, “Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn/ The power of man, for none of woman born/ Shall harm Macbeth.”  Yeah, that oughta do it.

First Witch: (Whispers to Third Witch) Brilliant!  (They surreptitiously high five each other)

Macbeth: Wonderful!  That must mean that no one can kill me and I am immortal.

First Witch: …If you say so.

Macbeth: Is that all?  I need to cover all contingencies.

First Witch: Well, there’s one more.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth shall never vanquish’d be until/”… um… “Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill/ Shall come against him.”

Second Witch: (Whispers to First Witch) How’s that?

First Witch: (Whispers back) The invading army uses the trees’ branches to disguise their numbers.

Second Witch: Great, he’ll never figure that one out, either!  Walk right into his own undoing!

First Witch: (To Macbeth) And one more thing – (Shows shadow puppets standing in a row) Here’s the line of kings mentioned several acts ago, and none of them are from you!  Sure makes you want to chuck it all in now, right?!

Macbeth: These portents do give me pause.  The line of kings from the guy I had murdered so that wouldn’t happen, missing the kid who’d make sure it would, throws me off; but a moving forest and an impossible man do sound promising.  That “Beware Macduff” bit has me concerned, though: he ran off to England to go help Malcolm, so I’ll just have his entire family killed instead.  (Nods to the Three Witches) Thanks for the insider info – you’ve been a big help.  (Exits heath right)

(The Three Witches stare after him in horror, until First Witch smacks Second Witch upside the head)

Second Witch: Hey!  What now?

First Witch: “Beware Macduff”?!  That’s the one guy who can stop this monster, and now you got his whole family killed!

Second Witch: …Motivation?

First Witch: Argh!

Third Witch: You still like my C-section reference though, right?  Told the truth while making him think he’s unstoppable because no such person could possibly exist, right, right – ?

First Witch: Yes-yes-yes, you’re oh-so-clever, nobody cares because in the meantime this guy’s gonna keep on slaughtering innocent people!

Second Witch: Maybe we should’ve been more direct, and just killed him ourselves right at the start?

First Witch: (Gasps) You take that back!  We’re weird magicians, not murderers!

Second Witch: Oh right – everyone treats us that way so much that sometimes I think it’s true.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches gather on the heath during the aftermath of Macbeth’s defeat)

First Witch: Well, this is just great: so many people are dead, either by Macbeth or because of Macbeth; Lady Macbeth finally couldn’t take her dirty hands anymore so she’s dead; Malcolm will be king but now the Scottish owe the English for their help in getting rid of the tyrant so autonomous rule is on shaky ground.  What.  A.  Mess.

Third Witch: Yeah, Hecate’s not gonna be happy.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that nothing I said or did contributed to any of this disaster.

First Witch: Oh, quit all that, would you?!  Besides, it doesn’t matter.

Second Witch: And whyever not?

First Witch: Because we’re witches: whatever happens, good or ill, we always get the blame.

Third Witch: Sounds about right.

Story 560: Oblivia, And Then There Were...?

          [A semi-parody of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and all those camp horror movies]

(At night in the woods, five figures sit around a campfire)

Camper 1: So, did anyone else get a weird invitation to come to this campsite and then found a note stabbed to their bunk’s pillow when they got here?  (Others nod and hold up papers with dagger holes in the middle) Thought as much.  Just to make sure we all got the same message – (Opens up another paper with a dagger hole in the middle and reads) “You thought you could get away with it, but you will be judged.  By me.  I will judge you.  Fatally, if that wasn’t clear – ” (Crumples up the paper and tosses it into the fire) it goes on like that for a bit.  I know we’re all strangers to each other, and if this note’s true for all of us then it seems we’re all pretty nasty pieces of work, but considering that there’s no cell phone service out here and all our cars’ tires were slashed somehow after we arrived with no one seeing and the only road in or out is now blocked by a sudden landslide from who-knows-where that happened who-knows-when and I doubt any of us know how to navigate by the stars or even basic cardinal directions to just walk on outta here, then we’re going to have to work together and trust each other to survive.

Camper 2: We’re all gonna die!

Camper 1: Don’t say stuff like that, it’ll start catching!  Anywho, I might as well go first with the trust portion: my crimes are embezzlement, fraud, and egregious telemarketing, and if I’d known that this would be the final result of a lifetime of deceit… yeah, I probably still would’ve done it all again; I made a lot of money.

Camper 2: Well, if my only chance of surviving all this is your physical and emotional support, then here goes: my crime is, in the words of The Bard –

Camper 3: Ugh, Shakespeare, really?

Camper 2: Hush.  In the words of The Bard, my crime is that I am “one that loved not wisely, but too well.”

Camper 3: Ugh, Othello, really?

Camper 4: Talk about inappropriate appropriation.

Camper 2: All right: I run a lonely hearts racket, and after I’ve taken all their money I post embarrassing videos my victims had sent me, for kicks and giggles.  I blur their faces, but they know it’s them.

Camper 3: <Gasp!>  That was you?! 

Camper 2: …Maybe.  There’s so many of us out there; who’s to tell?

Camper 1: (To Camper 3) What’s your story, then?

Camper 3: Oh, I e-mail ransomware viruses to major corporations and make them pay me millions to unlock their systems.  Although, the other day I accidentally attacked my own bank and now I’m locked out of my accounts and it’s been a nightmare getting back in, so I guess the joke’s on me.  I really shouldn’t have received an invite to this whole fiasco, you know – haven’t I been punished enough?

Camper 1: Gross.  (To Camper 4) And you?

Camper 4: Wellllll, I suppose you could say that I make the most of what life has to offer: when I see an opportunity, I grab it with both hands and run away with it, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost –

Camper 1: You’re a porch pirate?

Camper 4: Yeah.  (Briefly holds open one side of a jacket to show an array of accessories) I’ve actually found myself with an excess of smartwatches at the moment, if anyone’s interested.

Camper 1: Maybe later.  (Turns to the fifth figure) And, last but not least: what brings you here?

Oblivia: (Looks up from a game of solitaire that is spread out on the ground) Hm?  Oh: I think I turned off the main road too early – this isn’t the Relaxation Getaway Camp is it?

Camper 1: No, this is the Middle-of-Nowhere Doom Camp.

Oblivia: That’s too bad; probably won’t get my deposit back at this point, either.

Camper 2: Hold on: if you didn’t receive a threatening invitation and supposedly aren’t involved in any of this, how do we know you’re not the one who invited us all here and is planning to kill us, hm?!

Oblivia: (Stares blankly at Camper 2 for a few moments) Oh!  Is this like dinner theater, only an outdoor camp version?  OK, I call dibs on being the last victim!

Camper 2: Are you for real?!

Oblivia: All right, fine, you can be the last victim, then.  I’ll be the detective if no one else wants it.  (The others now stare blankly at Oblivia)  So, anyone here bring s’mores?  `Cause I sure didn’t.

(A masked figure with a roaring chainsaw comes charging out of the woods at them)

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw high) JUSTICE!!!!!

Campers 1-4: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (They flee into the woods in four different directions)

Oblivia: (Still sitting at the campfire; points to the chainsaw) Oh hey, does that thing actually work?

Masked Figure: Huh?  (Shakes head briefly, then runs off into the woods) JUSTICE!!!!!

Oblivia: (Starts poking the fire with a stick) Hm: wonder when the guided hike is supposed to start around here?

(In the woods, Campers 2 and 3 crash into each other)

Camper 2: (Holding bruised head) Ouch!  I don’t wanna die!

Camper 3: (Also holding bruised head) It’s OK: as long as we stick together, we’ll be all right!  I think.

Camper 2: Aw, you still want to stick together even after I posed that video of you ugly-crying about your kindergarten birthday party?

Camper 3: It was my second grade birthday party, and I already hacked your social media accounts to post only controversial opinions from now on, so we’re even.

Camper 2: Oh good; I was afraid things between us would be weird.

(They crouch down behind a large tree upon hearing heavy footsteps approaching)

Camper 3: (Whispering frantically) This is it!  What do we do?!

Camper 2: (Also whispering) Run some more?

Camper 3: (Grabs a large fallen branch) I think the time has come for us to fight back!

Camper 2: You’re so brave!  (Starts to retreat to another tree) I’ll cheer you on from over here.

Camper 3: Uh-uh.  (Hands another branch to Camper 2) You’re my back-up.

Camper 2: (Tentatively takes the branch with two fingers) Um… you sure about that?

(They crouch lower behind the tree as the footsteps get louder; they see Masked Figure through the trees stomping their way, closer, and closer, and – )

Oblivia: (Strolls up behind Camper 2 and Camper 3) Oh hey, maybe you two can help: could you point me in the direction of the lake so I can do some moonlight swimming or fishing or something?

Camper 3: (Turning around to Oblivia) You – !

Masked Figure: (Raises the chainsaw and runs toward the group) JUSTICE!!!!!

Camper 2 and Camper 3: (Dropping the branches and running away) AIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Oblivia: (Watching all three run, then shrugs and walks off in the opposite direction) Gotta be around here somewhere….

(Camper 1 arrives at the main bunkhouse, bursts through the front door, and starts frenziedly searching through possessions and beds)

Camper 1: (Muttering) Where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the knives – where’re the – (Opens a closet door and Camper 4 falls out, landing on the floor and clutching four daggers to the chest) OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Camper 4: (Spitting out blood) Avenge – me –

Camper 1: I will, I swear it!  But first, tell me – (Grabs Camper 4’s shoulders and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) did you take my shipment of vintage T-shirts I’d been waiting weeks to arrive?!

Camper 4: (Shifty-eyed) …Well, if the box was just sitting right out there in the open –

Camper 1: Never mind: justice has been served.  (Walks away from Camper 4 and back outside)

Camper 4: …Blast….

(As Camper 1 stands on the bunkhouse steps, deep in thought, Camper 2 and Camper 3 run out of the woods nearby)

Camper 3: Oh good, you’re still alive!

Camper 1: I am – one of us didn’t make it.  (Jerks head back toward the interior of the bunkhouse)

Camper 2: Ew, I don’t wanna see that.

Camper 1: (Descends the steps to join the others) So, we need to come up with a plan to save our skins, fast.

Camper 2: How about we dig a giant pit, line the inside with sharpened stakes, and cover the whole thing with a quilt made out of sewn leaves?

Camper 1: With what tools?  And with what time?

Camper 2: You said come up with a plan fast!

Camper 3: Oh, I got it!

Camper 1 and Camper 2: Yeah?!

Camper 3: We call the cops!

Camper 1: Our phones don’t work!

Camper 3: Oh yeah – why’d I think of that, then?

Camper 2: (Hopping up and down on alternating feet) Ooooh-ooooh – he’s gonna be here any minute, I just know it!

(They all freeze in horror, then slowly turn as they hear quick footsteps coming through the woods)

Camper 1: This is it!  And I still have no idea what to do!

Camper 3: Well, he can’t get all of us if we stay in a group, right?  (The other two look balefully at Camper 3) Right?

(The footsteps get louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Emerging from the woods, holding a flashlight and a water bottle) Oh hey, there you all are – I just finished the moderate trail, which was a joke; anyone want to join me on the difficult trail and see if that’s an actual challenge?

Camper 1: (Points to Oblivia) You!

Oblivia: Me, yes?

Camper 1: (As all three approach Oblivia) He’s not after you!  We’ll use you as a body shield.  (Moves to grab her by the shirt collar)

Oblivia: (Instead grabs Camper 1’s wrist and twists, making the latter writhe and nearly fall, and then lets go) Excuse me, but if you all feel that you’re in such distress, then why don’t you just call the cops?

Camper 3: That’s what I said!

Camper 2: There’s no cell service out here!

Oblivia: Yeah, but I think that thing probably still works.  (Points to a nearby payphone)

Camper 3: Oh, that’s why I said what I said!  I just forgot why I’d said it!

(All four run to the payphone)

Camper 1: (Reads the label) Calls are $1.00?!

Camper 2: Anybody got any loose change?

(They all check their pockets)

Camper 1: (Counting coins on an upturned palm) I have 47¢.

Camper 2: I have nothing.

Camper 3: I only have a penny; I had two quarters, but I wound up throwing them in the tip jar for snacks and coffee at the gas station – the bill was over $30, so they were not happy.

Oblivia: I have a $100, but it’s a fake.

Camper 1: Daaaaaaaaaaang iiiiiiiiiiit –

Oblivia: Wait, I have an idea.  (Picks up the receiver and dials a lot of numbers)

Voice: I’m sorry, 9-1-1 does not accept collect calls.

Oblivia: (Hangs up) Worth a shot.

Camper: Wait-wait-wait, what are we doing, 9-1-1’s a free call!  (Picks up the receiver and dials; there is one ring, then silence) What – ?

Masked Figure: (Pops up from behind the payphone, holding up the roaring chainsaw in one hand and a severed wire in the other) AHA!

(The Campers jump and scream)

Oblivia: (To Masked Figure) Wow, you sure are stealthy.

Masked Figure: I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE – (Oblivia lobs the flashlight at Masked Figure’s head and knocks him down) OW!  Hey!

Director: (Bursts out of the woods with several crew members) CUT!  What just happened?!

Actor 1: I dunno, Boss, you told us to keep going no matter what.

Actor 2: Yeah, I thought maybe she was a new hire you brought in to keep us on our toes or add to the authenticity or something.

Oblivia: (In a small voice) What is going on…?

Director: I can’t believe this – we’re thousands over budget on a no-budget slasher, and now we’re on the verge of scrapping the whole thing because we can’t secure the set!

Actor 3: Can’t you just delete the messed-up parts and shoot over those?

Director: You know I’m using 8mm film!

Oblivia: Ooh, old school.

Director: (To Actor 4, who was helped back up to standing by the crew) Are you OK?

Actor 4: (Lifting up the mask and rubbing a growing bruise on the head) I think so, but I still can barely see a thing in this mask.

Director: Don’t worry about that – it makes you lumber around all over the place, which looks great.  (To the others) All right, just keep going and we’ll fix it in post.  (To Oblivia) And you –

Oblivia: Yes?

Director: Just watch, OK?

Oblivia: That’s mainly what I’ve been doing.  It’s been a lot of fun so far – you got any activities like this planned for tomorrow?

Director: We’ve gotta be out of here by tomorrow: our permits expire by then and the Scouts are coming in to hike the bird watch trail!

Oblivia: Oh, that’s too bad.

Director: (Walking back to the woods with the crew members as Actor 4 lowers the mask in place) Pick it up from “I have you now” – aaaaaaaand ACTION!

Masked Figure: (Raises the roaring chainsaw overhead) I HAVE YOU NOW, AND JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!

Campers 1-3: (Holding each other in terror) OH NO!

Oblivia: (Yawns) This is getting a bit repetitive – let me know how it ends in the morning, yeah?  Thanks.  (Turns away and walks into the bunkhouse as the other four watch)

Masked Figure: …YAHHHH!!!!

Campers 1-3: WAHHHH!!!!

(Masked Figure chases Campers 1, 2, and 3 into the woods again as Oblivia picks her way through the mess that Camper 1 had made earlier, then trips over Camper 4)

Oblivia: Oops, sorry.  (Sees the daggers sticking out of Actor 5’s chest) You OK?

Actor 5: (Spits out some more red liquid) Actually, could you grab me some water, please?  This stuff tastes disgusting.

Oblivia: Sure.  (Fills up a glass of water and hands it down to Actor 5)

Actor 5: Much obliged.  (Gulps the water, then swishes and spits out the mess back into the glass)

Oblivia: Whelp, I’m going to bed – you gonna be all right down there?

Actor 5: Oh yeah, just... waiting.

Oblivia: Cool-cool.  (Dives onto a bunk without changing into pajamas, tucks the blankets under her chin, and sighs in contentment) Well, that was something different.  I wonder if they’re all having as much fun as I am?

Story 559: Haunted Woods Misadventure: A Crossover Event!

             (At yet another ordinary-farm-11-months-out-of-the-year/Halloween-extravaganza-in-October, at night Friend 1 and Friend 2 approach the line with a huge sign reading “Haunted Woods” at the entrance just as the group ahead of them is allowed to enter – if they dare….)

Employee: (Reattaching a rope barrier and shaking shaggy hair out of eyes as the two arrive, with no one else in line behind them) “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Friend 1: (As both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each) Yeah, but what’s with the whole non-disclosure agreement tacked onto the fine print in there?  You all expect corporate espionage of your mechanical ghosts or something?

Employee: What?  Oh, ahem, that’s just so “the secrets of these terrifying woods remain unspoiled for generations to come.”

Friend 2: Is that why the line for this thing is always so short?

Employee: Pretty much: tonight’s the busiest it’s been all month, especially for a Sunday.  Guess the possibility of getting sued is too much of a scare for most people to handle.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: (Shuddering) Yeah.

Employee: (Peers over at the woods’ makeshift exit nearby) Probably’ll only be another few minutes, then I can let you in; fine print also said we can’t have more than one group in there at a time.

Friend 1: Sure, thanks, we’re not going anywhere.  (Mutters to Friend 2) Anything’s better than that hour-long hayride line.

Friend 2: Well, I thought the production design and actors’ performances were top-notch and worth the wait – I loved the artwork in the slaughterhouse, and that zombie witch was amazing, worked the crowd like a dream!

Friend 1: Yes, I’ll give them 4.5 stars for effects and 0.5 stars for efficiency.

Friend 2: To be fair, there had to have been over 100 people on that line.

Friend 1: Then clearly some process improvement is needed.

(Both turn suddenly on hearing a faint “Hey!  Over here!”  from back by the main area of the farm where the parking lot, food court, and gift shop were set up; squinting in the distance, they see a smiling figure waving at them and then pointing to a wristwatch on the other arm until another figure walks over carrying two drinks, moves one to hold the edge by the teeth, and uses the now-free hand to grab the waving figure by the shirt collar and yank the former to sit down at a picnic table)

Friend 2: That was weird – I didn’t recognize either of them, did you?

Friend 1: I don’t think so, but I do know that creep somehow stole my watch from hundreds of feet away!

Friend 2: (Holds up Friend 1’s arm that is wearing a watch) You mean this watch?

Friend 1: (As Friend 2 lets the arm drop) …I retract my previous statement.  (Glances back over where the figures can no longer be seen through the milling crowds) Forget the scripted scares – it’s our fellow customers who freak me out more than anything else at these places.

Friend 2: I hear ya.

(They then turn toward the exit as the group that had been in line ahead of them emerges from the woods, all of them appearing shaken and eerily quiet)

Friend 1: (To the group) Great time, huh?

Group: (Turning as one to Friend 1, eyes widening in horror) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! (They continue screaming as they run all the way to the parking lot)

Friend 2: Amazing how you have that effect on people.

Friend 1: (Shrugs and smiles) It’s a gift.

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Friend 1: (To Employee while passing through with Friend 2) Job’s drained the soul out of you that much, yeah?

Employee: Like you wouldn’t believe.  (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring off into the middle distance)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general.

Friend 1: Where’s the fun in that?

(They enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet)

Friend 2: Whelp, this sure is a fire hazard if I ever saw one.

Friend 1: Relax, they’re professionals – it’s probably… I dunno, fake fire or something.

Friend 2: Yeah, and I bet these are fake trees, too.

Friend 1: Really?

Friend 2: No!

Friend 1: Oh.  (They reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) So, which way are we supposed to go to see the ghosts or the vampires or the werewolves or the whatever in this joint?

Friend 2: It doesn’t matter: just pick one, get lost for five minutes, and they’ll herd us on outta here when they feel we’ve had enough fun for the night.

Friend 1: OK…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s do that one!

Friend 2: Fine.

(They walk down the shadowy, fading path)

Friend 1: I’m telling you though, if I don’t get legitimately scared at least once in here, I’m getting our money back.

Friend 2: Heh, good luck with that….

(At the Haunted Woods line entrance, Employee is brushing fallen leaves off of buzz-cut hair as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 approach, with no one else in line behind them)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I don’t think I wanna do this one – who makes you sign an NDA for a glorified walk?!

Sibling 1: That just means it’s really good!  And I thought you were all about the thrill rides?

Sibling 2: Yes, rides, where we’re propelled through the air; this is just wandering around waiting for people to jump out at us and elevate our blood pressure.  If I wanted that, I’d just take a walk in the city.

Sibling 1: (Wiggles fingers sarcastically at Sibling 2) Ooh, edgy.

Employee: “Welcome to the Haunted Woods, where who knows when you’ll get out” – you sign the waivers?

Sibling 1: Yeppers!  (They both hold out their cell phones for Employee to scan QR codes on each)

Employee: (Lazily lifts up the rope barrier) `K, go on in – oh, sorry, ahem: “Off you go, into the unknown – enjoy your time in the Haunted Woods, mwa-ha-ha.”

Sibling 2: Hold on, is there another group in there already?  Didn’t the forms say we should wait?

Employee: Nah, you’re the only ones who’ve come here so far tonight.  Lots of people skip this one, especially considering what today is; can’t imagine why.

Sibling 2: Yeah, don’t remind me.

Sibling 1: Awesome!  (Turns to Sibling 2 in glee) We can take all the time we want!

Employee: (Forlornly) Sure, take all the time you want….

Sibling 2: (Looks askew at Employee while passing through with Sibling 1) OK, thanks, we’ll go on ahead, then.

Employee: (Reattaches the rope barrier and sinks to the ground, staring into the middle distance) Go on ahead, then….

Sibling 1: (Back to Employee) Wait, how much time do we get in there, really?

Employee: (Still staring into the distance) What is time?

Sibling 2: (Mutters to Sibling 1 as they enter the Haunted Woods, where paths are lit by torches every few feet) I think that one’s soul’s been drained by the job.

Sibling 1: (Trotting ahead in excitement) Yeah-yeah-yeah – (They both reach an intersection where the path splits three ways) Ummm…. (Scans each path, then points to the one in the middle, which is the least lit) Let’s go down this one!  (Starts running ahead, then turns around and runs backward for a bit) C’mon, you’re gonna miss all the hauntings if they just get me!

Sibling 2: (Shakes head affectionately and jogs briefly to catch up) Would that be a bad thing?

(They lightly shove each other and laugh as they walk down the shadowy, fading path)

(At another intersection, Friend 1 and Friend 2 have slowed down to a trudge)

Friend 1: (Points to a tree) OK, I know I’ve seen that piece of fungus before.

Friend 2: We have to be going in circles, but how can we if we’ve been going in a straight line this whole time?!

Friend 1: I don’t know!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm in sudden realization) Is that why we had to sign the NDA?!  Are the woods eventually going to… EAT US??!!

Friend 2: (Coolly plucks off Friend 1’s hand) If we were eaten, then we wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anything anyway.  And the group ahead of us came out of here just fine.

Friend 1: Huh, I don’t know about that – they looked to me like ones whose bodies had been snatched to make new bodies, if you know what I mean.

Friend 2: Unfortunately, yes.  I’m just surprised we haven’t seen a single employee jumping out of the trees or standing there ominously or doing something to get us out of here so they could go back to doing nothing.

Friend 1: I know!  I thought the woods would be haunted with minimum-wage teenagers trying to liven up their night as soon as we got in here, and instead we’ve been moseying about, unspooked and unterrified, for – (Checks the watch and taps its face) an indeterminate length of time, because apparently my watch battery has expired.

Friend 2: Great: we can be haunted by the ghost of the dead watch battery, then.

Friend 1: Hey, at this point, I’ll take it.

(They freeze in place at the sudden sound of snapping twigs, then hold each other in fright)

Friend 1: (Whispering as they both look around for where the noises are coming from) Is this it?!  Is the haunting finally happening?!

Friend 2: (Also whispering) Maybe – unless it’s actually a wild animal that wandered in here and we should run for our lives!

Friend 1: If we run, it’ll just chase us!  We need to stand and fight!

Friend 2: Using what for weapons?!

Friend 1: I don’t know – the power of friendship?!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 round the corner, and all four scream at each other)

Sibling 1: (As they all catch their breaths and force their racing hearts back into their chests) Oh, thank goodness – we thought you were the ghosts!

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) You thought they were the ghosts – (Shakes head abruptly) whatever, there are no ghosts; I’ve seen jack squat of anyone working here since we came in what feels like an hour ago; and the scariest thing we’ve come across is that possum that you freaked out over earlier.

Sibling 1: (Hisses at Sibling 2) You swore you’d never tell anyone about that!

Sibling 2: Anyone we know!

Friend 1: (Having detached from Friend 2) Well, I’m just glad to see someone else in here besides the two of us, because the dearth of terrifying actors in these supposedly haunted woods has been extremely distracting.

Sibling 2: You two must’ve been in here a while, then; the employee out front said no one else was here tonight.

Friend 1: I have a forgettable face.

Friend 2: That’s weird: bypassing the fact that I’ve just been completely ignored, there was another group right before us.

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) Poor sap doesn’t even know who’s coming and going – I was right, guess that job really is that soul-draining.

Friend 1: That’s what I said, too.

Sibling 1: So, you got lost just like us, huh?

Friend 2: (Glaring at Friend 1; through gritted teeth) Yes!

Friend 1: We are not lost; we just… misplaced the exit.

Sibling 2: Well, we’ve been wandering around for I don’t know how long; you mind if we tag along with you and maybe together we can find our way out of here?

Friend 2: I’d say “Yes,” but I doubt any of us could find our way out of a paper bag right now.

Sibling 2: (Takes out a cell phone and taps the screen a few times) I’d gladly give up any semblance of dignity and use GPS to tell us where to go, except now my phone seems to be on the fritz – anyone else?

(The other three take out their phones and tap them uselessly)

Friend 1: Shucks, I can’t even be one of those panicky people and call 9-1-1 to get us airlifted out of here!

Sibling 1: Heh-heh-heh – that’d be pretty sweet.

Sibling 2: No, it wouldn’t!  It’d be so embarrassing!

Sibling 1: Hey, listen, I’m sorry this is turning out to be no fun – you were probably right we shouldn’t have done this, especially on Friday the 13^th.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 look up from their phones suddenly, then at each other in confusion)

Sibling 2: I’m not superstitious; it’s just that everything always goes wrong for me on that day and now I’m being proven right again!  I’ll just stay home for 24 hours when the next one rolls around, that’s all.

Friend 1: Ex – cuuuuse meee….

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 1: You said, “Friday the 13^th”?

Sibling 1: Yep?

Friend 2: Today’s Sunday the 13^th.

(All four furrow their brows at each other)

Sibling 2: Noooo, today’s Friday.  Have you two lost a weekend in here or something?

Friend 1: Ew, no; Friday the 13^th was last year.  This year was Leap Year so that date skipped Saturday and now it’s Sunday.  (To Friend 2’s raised eyebrows) Yes, I know some things.

Sibling 1: Wait, Leap Year?  That’s next year.

Friend 1: Tell that to this past February 29.  (Laughs in disbelief) I mean, what year do you think it is?

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: 2023.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the other two in shock, then look at each other and laugh in borderline hysteria)

Friend 1: (Wiping a tear from an eye and wagging a finger at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) You, you almost had me for a second; I think it’s the whole atmosphere in here, Halloween and all, very funny.  E for Effort.

Sibling 2: (After sharing a confused look with Sibling 1) So, what year do you think it is?

Friend 1: Yes, you’ve had your fun, it’s still 2024, all year, let’s be adults!

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s eyes widen in shock)

Sibling 1: 2024?!  (Falls to the ground in a brief faint)

Sibling 2: Excuse me – this one’s very susceptible to stress.  (Picks up Sibling 1 and brushes dirt and twigs off the latter) If our phones were working I’d show you the date and knock off this nonsense, but I assure you – (To Sibling 1) especially you – (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) that it’s still 2023, all year.

Friend 1: All year last year.

Sibling 2: OK, fine: so if you’re from – (Air quotes) “The Future”, then who won the next U.S. Presidential Election, hm?

Friend 1: It hasn’t happened yet!

Sibling 2: …Oh right.

Friend 1: And why does everybody always ask something like that to prove the other person’s from the future?  I could just make up anything and you’d never know the difference until it was way too late!

Sibling 2: All right, forget it, I’ll think of something else, just give me a minute!

Friend 1: (Raises a finger with an idea) I’ve got it!  (Holds out the arm with the wristwatch for Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 to see) Look – the date here says “2024” and it’s non-satellite dependent, so there!

Sibling 2: (Looks up from the watch after a few moments) Prank.

Friend 1: Seriously?! 

Friend 2: This is getting us literally nowhere – who cares if we’re in a time warp or something, the bottom line is we’ve gotta get out of here!

Sibling 1: (Looking up at the treetops) You know, I’ve been wondering if this place actually contains a wormhole that forced our particles into quantum entanglement –

Sibling 2: Oh, so now you decide to use your physics degree?!  Can you wormhole us to the direction where we came in, then?!

Sibling 1: (Looks back at Sibling 2) I could try, but the superstrings –

Sibling 2: Not.  Another.  Word.

Friend 1: (Holds up a hand) I have an idea: maybe if we keep taking this path, it’ll dump us out of the woods – somewhere.  Somewhen?

Friend 2: Taking this path is what led us here in the first place!  And now we’re stuck in the past and have to live last year all over again, and I regret everything I did that year, everything!

Friend 1: Or, contrarily – (Gestures at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) they’re stuck in the future, and have now lost a year.  (Turns to the other two) My condolences.

Sibling 2: I refuse to accept –

(All four freeze as they hear snapping twigs; a figure rounds the corner, wearing old-fashioned clothes and carrying a crossbow)

Hunter: Ah, fellow travelers… in strange clothing.  Are ye also seeking deer on this fine Hunter’s Moon night?  (The other four scream and run down the path ahead) Hm.  I do worry about the English sometimes.

(The four stop after a few minutes to catch their breaths)

Friend 1: I don’t believe this!  I’m stuck into a time vortex in the messed-up woods – and I’m out of paid vacation time at work!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 nod in sympathy while bent over, gasping)

Friend 2: (Straightens up) Wait – listen!  (They all strain to hear) I think that’s the crowds from the main part of the farm… (Faint screams are heard) Yes!  Hear that?!  I’ve never been so happy to hear fake terror in all my life!

Sibling 1: Huzzah, we’re saved!  (Starts to run but Sibling 2 grabs the former by the shirt collar and yanks back; Friend 1’s eyes widen in realization)

Sibling 2: Sooooo… what’s going to happen when we all leave here?  We disappear, you disappear, what?

Friend 1: No idea, but I do know one thing – (Points to Sibling 1) it was you!

Sibling 1: Huh?

Friend 1: You were the creep with my watch before we came in here!  I’d never seen you before, but now I see everything!

Sibling 1: “Creep”?!

Friend 2: (Leans in to squint at Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 as Friend 1 takes off the watch) Oh yeah, you’re right, it is them.  Different clothes, though – did you two do a quick-change and stalk us in here, then?

Sibling 2: What?  No!

Sibling 1: Yeah, that sounds like way too much effort.

Friend 1: Here.  (Hands the watch to Sibling 1) You both have to come back here in exactly a year from today, and you wear the watch and wave at us from the food court while we’re waiting on line, and then we’ll know this whole time-wormhole-thing is true – and if you don’t do it, it’ll create a paradox and the universe’ll implode or something.

Sibling 1: (Pocketing the watch) Actually, it’s more likely that an alternate universe will be created –

Sibling 2: Thank you, Professor Nerd.  (To Friend 1 and Friend 2) This has been loads of fun, but I think it’s time – (Rolls eyes at the unintentional pun) ugh – we all got the blazes outta here, don’t you agree?

Friend 2: Don’t have to tell me twice!  (They all run to the exit, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 getting ahead of Friend 1 and Friend 2)

Friend 1: (Cups hands around mouth to shout) Remember!  “One year hence!”

Sibling 2: (Shouting back as Sibling 1 gives a thumbs-up) Right, Green Knight!  (Turns a corner with Sibling 1)

Friend 1: (Smiling wildly) Yeah, you got it.

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn the same corner soon afterward and run out of the woods; Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are nowhere in sight)

Friend 1: (In an awed whisper) They vanished….

Friend 2: Yeah – away from you.  Let’s get out of here; I really wanna go home.

Friend 1: Just a second.  (Shouts at Employee who still is stationed at the head of the empty line) Hey!  (Employee turns with a vacant expression) What year is it?

Employee: (Covers shaggy hair up against ears) Don’t ask me such things – I won’t be sued, I won’t!  (Runs away to the staff break room, “La-la-la!”-ing all the way)

Friend 2: (Holds out cell phone to show Friend 1 the display) OK, phone’s working again, and just in case you were wondering: it’s still Sunday, October 13, 2024.

Friend 1: (Nods once in affirmation) And all is right with the world.

(They jog back to the parking lot, passing the food court and rushing away from the crowds)

Sibling 1: (Running over to them, with Sibling 2 not far behind) Hey-wait-up-wait-up!  (Friend 1 and Friend 2 turn around) Remember us?  It’s been a year, for us anyway!  Here’s your watch!  (Takes off the watch and gives it to Friend 1) I even put in a new battery; no extra charge!

Friend 1: (Examines it closely) Seems legit.  (To Sibling 1 and Sibling 2) Well, it’s hard to tell if you’ve aged a year and this actually was for real, or an extremely elaborate set-up to satisfy a very sick sense of humor.

Sibling 1: Hey, it’s Halloween month – anything can happen!

Sibling 2: I have to admit, I doubted we’d see you two and almost didn’t come out tonight, but here you are, exactly as you were when we last saw you a year ago.  Hard to believe.

Friend 2: (Looking lost) Yes.  Considering that for us it was only five minutes ago, I’m not sure how I feel about all this.

Sibling 1: Pretty life-changing, I’d say.  Meeting at a temporal crossroads; avoiding paradoxes to save the universe; the works!

Friend 1: Yeah.  Too bad we all signed an agreement that we’d never talk about it, so there goes our chance at geek fame and fortune.

Sibling 2: Heh-heh, that legalese’ll get ya every time.

Story 558: There’s No Such Thing As Ghosts… Right?

             (At a haunted hayride/haunted barn/haunted corn maze/haunted pumpkin patch/haunted hibernating farm at night, employees guide cars to the makeshift parking lot made up of a grassy field and rope barriers)

Employee 1: (Unenthusiastically waving one last car to a space at the end of the current line) Yep, right here – right here – keep going – no, don’t turn there, turn where I’m waving – yes, your other right – there you go, you finally made it, congratulations – (In a slightly louder voice as the passengers exit the parked car) Enjoy your stay, if you dare, mwa-ha-ha.

Passenger: Uh, thanks.  (The passengers hurriedly trot away from Employee 1 and leap over or limbo under each lane’s ropes to reach the main entrance)

Employee 1: (Looks down and heaves a great sigh) Yeah, that’s it, I’d run away from me, too.

(Employee 2 ducks under a rope from the adjacent lane and waves at Employee 1)

Employee 2: Hey!

Employee 1: (Perks up and waves back) Oh, hi!

Employee 2: Boss says since it’s slow right now, we can take a cigarette break.

Employee 1: Um, sure, thanks.  (As they walk to a quieter area of the farm) But neither of us smoke?

Employee 2: Exactly.  (They both laugh wickedly.  After a few minutes’ walk, they perch on a hay bale overlooking the fields where customers stand on lines for almost an hour to get scared for 10 minutes; after getting settled, Employee 2 holds out a cigarette pack to Employee 1) Want one?

Employee 1: Ummm… what?

Employee 2: It’s candy – maintains the illusion.

Employee 1: Ah, got it; thanks.  (They each take a stick and ingest the sugar slowly)

Employee 2: So, enjoying your first season here?

Employee 1: (Shrugs) Eh.  I thought it’d be a little more exciting, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck on parking guidance the whole time and that’s a little… monotonous.  Except when I almost get accidentally run over; that part’s exciting.

Employee 2: Yeah, I worked the barn last season as “Clown With Chainsaw” and almost got punched by overzealous clients so many times I lost track; parking duty is much more peaceful.

Employee 1: I guess.  I was thinking of asking to work the haunted corn maze, though – thought that might be fun.  You ever do that one?

Employee 2: (As they both finish the candy and pocket the sticks for disposal later)  Once, two seasons ago, and that was enough for me.  I spent more time helping people find their way out than actually trying to scare them: the panicked screams when the exit’s two feet away got to be a bit much.

Employee 1: Heh-heh, yeah…. Still, I’ve always been curious whether, you know….

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: (Leans in to whisper in glee) Whether the stories were true?

Employee 2: What, you mean the ghosts?

Employee 1: Ssh!  (Looks around in panic, then smiles and nods) Yeah!

Employee 2: (Scoffs) Please: there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Employee 1: Well, yeah, of course, obviously….

Employee 2: Mm-hm.

Employee 1: But still!

Employee 2: Ugh.

Employee 1: I mean, all those sightings, and the unexplained sounds, and people sensing a presence in the field when no one else is there, for decades!  It can’t be that everyone’s making it all up!

Employee 2: People see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, and sense what they want to sense.  Your own home was built on land where there’s been Revolutionary War battles, violence against indigenous peoples, and/or generations of miserable inhabitants and probably at least one murder, but have you ever seen any ghosts there?

Employee 1: Well… no….

Employee 2: There you go.  If ghosts were real, we’d be surrounded by hauntings 24/7 everywhere we went, not just the places where we know for sure something bad happened.

Employee 1: But the corn field is where those horrific murders took place and people say they’ve seen the victims wandering around looking for their lost body parts so I want to see them, too!

Employee 2: (Stares at Employee 1) You know how messed up that sounds, right?

Employee 1: Saying it out loud like that, yes.  But so many people say they’ve experienced something strange out there!

Employee 2: Like what?

Employee 1: Like… a sudden chill!  Or, hearing rustling cornstalks when there’s no breeze!  Or, weird glowing lights!

Employee 2: OK – (Counts off on fingers) it’s autumn; the cornstalks rustle when people cut through them in panic; and we all have lights, either flash or phone.

Employee 1: Fine, fine: but what about the apparitions?

Employee 2: They’re either seeing another group in there, or one of us pranking them.  Did it myself once: Boss wasn’t happy, since it was an – (Does air quotes) “Unauthorized Scare”, but I was in a mood that night and freaking people out was the only thing that cheered me up.

Employee 1: And you call me “messed up”?!

Employee 2: Hey, didn’t say I was proud of it.  (Especially loud screams are heard from the haunted barn as a group of teenagers run out the exit followed briefly by a werewolf, who then turns around and re-enters the building, shaking with laughter) You see?  People like being scared, and they want to believe there’s something beyond death and beyond this boring reality we’re stuck in.  Trust me, if I’d been horribly murdered, the last place I’d want to spend eternity in would be where my life was cut short, going nowhere and doing nothing.  I’d rather haunt a garden, where at least I could relax.

Employee 1: I guess, when you put it that way.  The whole concept of hauntings doesn’t make much sense now that I’m really thinking about it; our spirits or souls or whatever probably don’t have much choice where to go next when our bodies clock out at end of shift.

Employee 2: I know!  I’ll admit there’s unexplained phenomena out there, but if not all them are elaborate pranksters then I’ll take excess energy influencing an open mind over a dead human hovering around repeating their life’s highlight reel, any day.

Employee 1: (Looks off in thought) Yeah… yeah, that does sound like the more reasonable explanation.

Employee 2: I know it does.  (Sees movement at the edge of the hay bale and leans down to grab at it; Employee 1 looks over and sees Employee 2 holding a rat) Vampires, on the other hand… (Turns to Employee 1 and smiles with fangs showing) well, you mortals actually got those just about right.  (Chows down on the rat)

Employee 1: (Points weakly at Employee 2) Buh…. (Faints, collapsing onto the ground)

Employee 2: (Tosses away the rat and daintily wipes lips) Heh-heh-heh – I love this time of year.