Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.

Story 465: Election Debate Match

(In a wrestling arena, the Crowds cheer and wave signs with their favorites’ names, likenesses, and slogans)

TV Announcer: (Addressing a camera and straining to be heard over the background roar) Good evening fans, and welcome to the final round of debates in this year’s gubernatorial election.  In the interests of time and attention spans, we are grouping our contestants – I mean, candidates – into pairs of two, with the winner of each debate advancing to the next round; the final winner will be the one elected governor.  Typically, there are no actual winners of debates in their usual format, but since elections are decided by the public anyway, we’ll be using audience feedback on each match – I mean, session – to determine which candidate they like better.  (Turns toward an off-screen disturbance) And it looks we’re beginning now.

(The camera turns to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses both on that area and on the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring)

Ring Announcer: (Unseen voice fills the arena) Good citizens all, welcome to tonight’s FINAL DEBAAAAATE!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, Candidate Numberrrrr Onnnnnnnnneeee!!!!

Crowds: (Cheer and boo simultaneously) Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 1 standing in the entranceway, wearing a business shirt with cutoff sleeves and long athletic shorts, and holding two signs high in the air, one reading “FILIBUSTER” and the other reading “SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS”.  Candidate 1 stands there for a few moments, then walks down the runway while regularly smashing the signs together, pausing a moment to scream at the TV camera that follows his progress to the center of the arena.  After sliding up onto the ring, he tosses the signs into a corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel him off, give him some water, and guide him to a waiting podium; he smiles and waves at the Crowds the entire time)

Ring Announcer: And now – (The camera turns back to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses on both that area and the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring) please welcome, Candidate Numberrrr Twoooooo!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 2 standing in the entranceway, wearing an exercise tank top and business slacks, and holding a basket filled with pins which she grabs bunches of and tosses into the surrounding Crowds.  As she passes the camera she holds up a pin to show that it reads “VOTE FOR ME”, turns it around to show a $100.00 bill attached to the back, winks, and continues tossing pins to the enthusiastic audience until she reaches the center of the arena.  After swinging herself into the ring, she flings the empty basket into another corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel her off, give her some water, and guide her to another waiting podium that faces the one opposite; she has her picture taken multiple times while smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up with the massive Crowds in the background)

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, our Moderatorrrrrrr!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (Wearing a referee outfit and baseball catcher’s protective gear, enters the ring from somewhere in the audience and addresses the Candidates) All right, you two: shake hands; make this a good, clean debate.

Candidates 1 and 2: (Stare at Moderator, then laugh hysterically)

Moderator: Fine, then just make this a good show.

(Candidates 1 and 2 shake hands vigorously while swiveling on a 360° axis to smile at the Crowds surrounding them as cameras flash everywhere; Moderator finally separates them and they return to their podiums, rubbing and flexing their previously shaking hands; the Crowds lower the volume on their screams a smidgen)

Moderator: Now, this first question is for Candidate 1 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(Candidate 1 smiles and waves again; someone in the audience swoons and needs to be carried outside for fresh air)

Moderator: If elected governor, what do you plan to actually do in office?

Candidate 1: (Blinks a few times at Moderator, smile slightly faltering) “Do”?

Moderator: Yes, do.  As in, do.

Candidate 1: …Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do: I’m not gonna steal –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!!

Candidate 1: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and lie, and all-around abuse my position, like my opponent here has done, for the PAST FOUR YEARS!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: Candidate 2, your rebuttal?

Candidate 2: (Smiling extremely broadly) Thank you.  First of all, I would like to point out my humility in going second in these debates even though I am the current Governor and really should have been first in everything.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Candidate 2: Having gotten that out of the way, I also would like to point out that my opponent’s accusations are completely without merit, and also made-up.

Candidate 1: Oh, “made-up,” you say?!  (Waves a hand to an entourage member, who gives him a stack of papers that he then waves in the air) Then what about all these charges on file with the State’s Attorney General’s office, hmmm???  (Cursorily flips through them) Fraud – bribery – ethics violations – obstruction – grand theft auto – and, most egregious of all, LITTERING!?  (Slams the pile of papers onto the podium)

Candidate 2: (Still smiling broadly while addressing the Crowds) Folks, my opponent here like to use a lot fancy words to distract you from the real issues that affect us.  You all know I’m a plain, simple gal, and I tell it like it is, so here goes: my opponent is a dirty rotten liar.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (To Candidate 2) Refrain yourself –

Candidate 1: (Interjecting; to Candidate 2) OK, OK, you want simple words?  (To the Crowds while pointing to Candidate 2) How about this: my opponent is a criminal, a LITERAL!  CRIMINAL!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) Po-ta-to, po-tah-to!

Candidate 1: (Sputtering) That’s – it’s – this isn’t even a situation where that would apply!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) …To-ma-to, to-mah-to!

Moderator: Let’s move on to the next question, this time for Candidate 2 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: If elected to a second term, what do you plan to actually do in office?  An addendum to that question is: aside from the list Candidate 1 so helpfully supplied earlier, what have you actually done in office so far?

Candidate 2: Well, I plan to continue the great work of standing up for the people, and not for certain groups who happen to be my buddies –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!

Candidate 2: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and bought my seat in the State Senate!

Candidate 1: (Is restrained from vaulting over the podium by members of his entourage) You say that to my face!

Candidate 2: (Likewise restrained by members of her entourage) I JUST DID!

(They both break loose from their followers and tackle each other to the floor of the ring, simultaneously trying to wrap their legs around the other’s body in a submission hold while also trying to half-nelson the other’s arms)

Crowds: (Flinging their signs into the air) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Moderator grabs each Candidate by the ear and slowly lifts them to standing as they disentangle their limbs)

Candidates 1 and 2: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow –

Moderator: I declare this debate a draw –

Crowds: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Moderator: Each of you will separately face the winner of the next round, and we’ll take it from there.  If you wind up having to debate each other again, the winner will be whoever annoys me and the voters the least.  (Releases the ears) Clear?

Candidates 1 and 2: (Rubbing their ears, looking down at the floor, and mumbling) Yeah, OK, all right –

Moderator: Fine, now get out of my sight.  (They grab their props and run out of the ring to exit the arena, followed by their entourages trying to give them water; Moderator takes off the catcher’s mask briefly to wipe sweat off forehead) All right, bring on the next set!

TV Announcer: (Back on camera) What an exciting night for the political process, folks.  I, for one, can barely contain my anticipation of the upcoming matches to determine who will be the next leader of this state and, possibly one day, the entire country.  (Listens to an earpiece for several seconds) I’m being told that the next debate will involve a long-time mayor who has fought tirelessly for permanent solutions to complex socioeconomic issues, and some rando who likes to yell at people a lot in the grocery store; naturally, then, this will be a cage match.  (A sign bounces off of TV Announcer’s head, who closes eyes only momentarily in reaction) So, stay tuned!

Story 464: Unexpected Dental Work

 (In a room in Dentist’s office, Patient waits patiently in the reclined exam chair until Dentist arrives)

Dentist: Hello!  I see you’ve had your cleaning and X-rays done, so nothing left for me to do except give you the bad news, eh?  Heh-heh-heh – kidding, I want this over with as much as you.

Patient: Okayyyy….

Dentist: (Holds X-ray films up to the light, shakes head, and “Tsks” several times) Oh dear, oh dear – this won’t do at all.

Patient: (Panicking) What won’t?

Dentist: (Shakes head some more, tosses the films onto a counter, puts on gloves, and turns to Patient with a scraper and small mirror at the ready) I need to see for myself first – open up!  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist dives in, shoving in a suction tool for assistance) Uh-huh, just as I thought.  (Taps a molar with the scraper) You see that right there?

Patient: Gurgle?

Dentist: Oh – here.  (Hands over a larger mirror for Patient to hold during the demonstration) You see that?  (Taps the molar again) That’s no good.

Patient: Naw ooo?

Dentist: No.  Look at that decay, just strolling all over the enamel without so much as a “By your leave”!  And I know you brush and floss every day, so this – (Taps slightly harder, making Patient flinch) is a gross insult to us all.

Patient: (Trying to angle the mirror for a better view) Uk – egh –

Dentist: (Takes away the mirror, presses a buzzer on the wall, and begins prepping the tool tray) Yes-yes-yes: try as we might, build the mightiest fluoride wall, relentlessly scrape plaque off the entire surface area, and all it takes is one bacterium to find the microscopic fault line and let the rest of the invading army in.  Still, we must be resilient in the face of such setbacks.  (A Hygienist enters the room) Hi, thank you for coming back so soon.

Hygienist: Need me again for this patient?

Dentist: Indeed: seems we’re doing a filling today.

Hygienist: (Nods in agreement) Ah yes, there were signs.

Patient: (Sits up in the chair, shaking head vigorously) Mm-mmf!  Mm-mmf!

Dentist: Here, let me.  (Takes out the suction tool and hands it to Hygienist) Feel free to remove that whenever you like, except during the actual procedure, it’ll come in handy then.

Patient: Thanks, but I can’t have a filling, I’ve never had a cavity in my life!

Dentist: (Shrugs) First time for everything.

Patient: You don’t understand: I’m just starting my middle-age phase, and I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY IN MY LIFE.  I can’t start now!

Dentist: Sure you can – I’ve got a whole mouth full of `em myself; they’re actually what led me to my calling.  (Shows the evidence)

Patient: Well, yeah, but that’s expected for your… (Dentist raises an eyebrow) generation.

Dentist: Good save – it’s a minor procedure, probably won’t even have to numb you at all.

Patient: Numb me?!

Dentist: (Chuckles while lightly but firmly shoving Patient back down on the chair) It’ll take less than 10 minutes; you’re lucky I had a cancellation today or else both insurance and I’d’ve had to charge you for a separate visit.

Patient: But – !  (Hygienist shoves the suction tool back into Patient’s mouth as Dentist finishes preparations)

Dentist: (Dives in again and begins the work) You’re also very lucky, you know, to have gone this long without a filling – you can thank improved preventative care and those sealants I see your kiddie dentist put on your molars all those years ago, which are slowly but surely eroding like the sands of time.

Patient: [Whimpers]

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out cement for a vise) Here we go, and press – it – down!

Patient: Nnnnh.

Dentist: Good, that means it’s working.  (Hygienist swaps out the vise for a laser beam) Now to dry that on the gale-force-winds setting, heh-heh-heh.  (The laser buzzes) Oops, missed a spot.  (Hygienist swaps out the laser for more cement; Dentist tamps it down with a mini-jackhammer) Won’t be a minute!

Patient: (Pounded into the chair) Eeeeee!!!

Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out the jackhammer for the vise) And again!  (Clamps down on the tooth, the swaps that out for the laser beam again) And back to dry!  (The laser “Bzzzzzzz”s)

Patient: (Teeth rattling) Zzzzzz –

Dentist: (Turns off the laser with a flourish) And we’re done!  (Checks watch) What did I tell you – seven minutes!  Nice bit of work if I may say so myself; how do you feel?

Patient: (Slumps in the chair as Hygienist removes dental accessories) Mmmfff….

Dentist: (Pats Patient’s shoulder) You’ll feel that way for the next half hour – don’t let that stop you from eating lunch later, and now you’ll have an edge on what you ingest, hee-hee!  See you in six months.  (Leaves the room while snapping off gloves into a nearby trashcan)

Hygienist: (Raises the exam chair to a sitting position and helps Patient out of it) Make sure to stop at the front desk on your way out – there might be an extra copay for this.  (Patient stands next to the chair, deep in thought) You OK?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, yeah, just realized something too late.

Hygienist: What, your dental insurance is out-of-network?

Patient: (Shudders) Not even in jest.  No, I just realized that back when I made this appointment six months ago, I really shouldn’t have set it for the day after Halloween.