(In a wrestling arena, the Crowds cheer and wave signs with their favorites’ names, likenesses, and slogans)
TV Announcer: (Addressing a camera and straining to be heard over the background roar) Good evening fans, and welcome to the final round of debates in this year’s gubernatorial election. In the interests of time and attention spans, we are grouping our contestants – I mean, candidates – into pairs of two, with the winner of each debate advancing to the next round; the final winner will be the one elected governor. Typically, there are no actual winners of debates in their usual format, but since elections are decided by the public anyway, we’ll be using audience feedback on each match – I mean, session – to determine which candidate they like better. (Turns toward an off-screen disturbance) And it looks we’re beginning now.
(The camera turns to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses both on that area and on the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring)
Ring Announcer: (Unseen voice fills the arena) Good citizens all, welcome to tonight’s FINAL DEBAAAAATE!!!!
Crowds: Raaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, Candidate Numberrrrr Onnnnnnnnneeee!!!!
Crowds: (Cheer and boo simultaneously) Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
(A spotlight shines on Candidate 1 standing in the entranceway, wearing a business shirt with cutoff sleeves and long athletic shorts, and holding two signs high in the air, one reading “FILIBUSTER” and the other reading “SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS”. Candidate 1 stands there for a few moments, then walks down the runway while regularly smashing the signs together, pausing a moment to scream at the TV camera that follows his progress to the center of the arena. After sliding up onto the ring, he tosses the signs into a corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel him off, give him some water, and guide him to a waiting podium; he smiles and waves at the Crowds the entire time)
Ring Announcer: And now – (The camera turns back to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses on both that area and the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring) please welcome, Candidate Numberrrr Twoooooo!!!!
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
(A spotlight shines on Candidate 2 standing in the entranceway, wearing an exercise tank top and business slacks, and holding a basket filled with pins which she grabs bunches of and tosses into the surrounding Crowds. As she passes the camera she holds up a pin to show that it reads “VOTE FOR ME”, turns it around to show a $100.00 bill attached to the back, winks, and continues tossing pins to the enthusiastic audience until she reaches the center of the arena. After swinging herself into the ring, she flings the empty basket into another corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel her off, give her some water, and guide her to another waiting podium that faces the one opposite; she has her picture taken multiple times while smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up with the massive Crowds in the background)
Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, our Moderatorrrrrrr!!!
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
Moderator: (Wearing a referee outfit and baseball catcher’s protective gear, enters the ring from somewhere in the audience and addresses the Candidates) All right, you two: shake hands; make this a good, clean debate.
Candidates 1 and 2: (Stare at Moderator, then laugh hysterically)
Moderator: Fine, then just make this a good show.
(Candidates 1 and 2 shake hands vigorously while swiveling on a 360° axis to smile at the Crowds surrounding them as cameras flash everywhere; Moderator finally separates them and they return to their podiums, rubbing and flexing their previously shaking hands; the Crowds lower the volume on their screams a smidgen)
Moderator: Now, this first question is for Candidate 1 –
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
(Candidate 1 smiles and waves again; someone in the audience swoons and needs to be carried outside for fresh air)
Moderator: If elected governor, what do you plan to actually do in office?
Candidate 1: (Blinks a few times at Moderator, smile slightly faltering) “Do”?
Moderator: Yes, do. As in, do.
Candidate 1: …Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do: I’m not gonna steal –
Crowds: Booooo!!!!!
Candidate 1: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and lie, and all-around abuse my position, like my opponent here has done, for the PAST FOUR YEARS!!!
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
Moderator: Candidate 2, your rebuttal?
Candidate 2: (Smiling extremely broadly) Thank you. First of all, I would like to point out my humility in going second in these debates even though I am the current Governor and really should have been first in everything.
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
Candidate 2: Having gotten that out of the way, I also would like to point out that my opponent’s accusations are completely without merit, and also made-up.
Candidate 1: Oh, “made-up,” you say?! (Waves a hand to an entourage member, who gives him a stack of papers that he then waves in the air) Then what about all these charges on file with the State’s Attorney General’s office, hmmm??? (Cursorily flips through them) Fraud – bribery – ethics violations – obstruction – grand theft auto – and, most egregious of all, LITTERING!? (Slams the pile of papers onto the podium)
Candidate 2: (Still smiling broadly while addressing the Crowds) Folks, my opponent here like to use a lot fancy words to distract you from the real issues that affect us. You all know I’m a plain, simple gal, and I tell it like it is, so here goes: my opponent is a dirty rotten liar.
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
Moderator: (To Candidate 2) Refrain yourself –
Candidate 1: (Interjecting; to Candidate 2) OK, OK, you want simple words? (To the Crowds while pointing to Candidate 2) How about this: my opponent is a criminal, a LITERAL! CRIMINAL!
Candidate 2: (Still smiling) Po-ta-to, po-tah-to!
Candidate 1: (Sputtering) That’s – it’s – this isn’t even a situation where that would apply!
Candidate 2: (Still smiling) …To-ma-to, to-mah-to!
Moderator: Let’s move on to the next question, this time for Candidate 2 –
Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!
Moderator: If elected to a second term, what do you plan to actually do in office? An addendum to that question is: aside from the list Candidate 1 so helpfully supplied earlier, what have you actually done in office so far?
Candidate 2: Well, I plan to continue the great work of standing up for the people, and not for certain groups who happen to be my buddies –
Crowds: Booooo!!!!
Candidate 2: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and bought my seat in the State Senate!
Candidate 1: (Is restrained from vaulting over the podium by members of his entourage) You say that to my face!
Candidate 2: (Likewise restrained by members of her entourage) I JUST DID!
(They both break loose from their followers and tackle each other to the floor of the ring, simultaneously trying to wrap their legs around the other’s body in a submission hold while also trying to half-nelson the other’s arms)
Crowds: (Flinging their signs into the air) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Moderator grabs each Candidate by the ear and slowly lifts them to standing as they disentangle their limbs)
Candidates 1 and 2: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow –
Moderator: I declare this debate a draw –
Crowds: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Moderator: Each of you will separately face the winner of the next round, and we’ll take it from there. If you wind up having to debate each other again, the winner will be whoever annoys me and the voters the least. (Releases the ears) Clear?
Candidates 1 and 2: (Rubbing their ears, looking down at the floor, and mumbling) Yeah, OK, all right –
Moderator: Fine, now get out of my sight. (They grab their props and run out of the ring to exit the arena, followed by their entourages trying to give them water; Moderator takes off the catcher’s mask briefly to wipe sweat off forehead) All right, bring on the next set!
TV Announcer: (Back on camera) What an exciting night for the political process, folks. I, for one, can barely contain my anticipation of the upcoming matches to determine who will be the next leader of this state and, possibly one day, the entire country. (Listens to an earpiece for several seconds) I’m being told that the next debate will involve a long-time mayor who has fought tirelessly for permanent solutions to complex socioeconomic issues, and some rando who likes to yell at people a lot in the grocery store; naturally, then, this will be a cage match. (A sign bounces off of TV Announcer’s head, who closes eyes only momentarily in reaction) So, stay tuned!
