(In a room in Dentist’s office, Patient waits patiently in the reclined exam chair until Dentist arrives)
Dentist: Hello! I see you’ve had your cleaning and X-rays done, so nothing left for me to do except give you the bad news, eh? Heh-heh-heh – kidding, I want this over with as much as you.
Patient: Okayyyy….
Dentist: (Holds X-ray films up to the light, shakes head, and “Tsks” several times) Oh dear, oh dear – this won’t do at all.
Patient: (Panicking) What won’t?
Dentist: (Shakes head some more, tosses the films onto a counter, puts on gloves, and turns to Patient with a scraper and small mirror at the ready) I need to see for myself first – open up! (Patient opens mouth as Dentist dives in, shoving in a suction tool for assistance) Uh-huh, just as I thought. (Taps a molar with the scraper) You see that right there?
Patient: Gurgle?
Dentist: Oh – here. (Hands over a larger mirror for Patient to hold during the demonstration) You see that? (Taps the molar again) That’s no good.
Patient: Naw ooo?
Dentist: No. Look at that decay, just strolling all over the enamel without so much as a “By your leave”! And I know you brush and floss every day, so this – (Taps slightly harder, making Patient flinch) is a gross insult to us all.
Patient: (Trying to angle the mirror for a better view) Uk – egh –
Dentist: (Takes away the mirror, presses a buzzer on the wall, and begins prepping the tool tray) Yes-yes-yes: try as we might, build the mightiest fluoride wall, relentlessly scrape plaque off the entire surface area, and all it takes is one bacterium to find the microscopic fault line and let the rest of the invading army in. Still, we must be resilient in the face of such setbacks. (A Hygienist enters the room) Hi, thank you for coming back so soon.
Hygienist: Need me again for this patient?
Dentist: Indeed: seems we’re doing a filling today.
Hygienist: (Nods in agreement) Ah yes, there were signs.
Patient: (Sits up in the chair, shaking head vigorously) Mm-mmf! Mm-mmf!
Dentist: Here, let me. (Takes out the suction tool and hands it to Hygienist) Feel free to remove that whenever you like, except during the actual procedure, it’ll come in handy then.
Patient: Thanks, but I can’t have a filling, I’ve never had a cavity in my life!
Dentist: (Shrugs) First time for everything.
Patient: You don’t understand: I’m just starting my middle-age phase, and I HAVE NEVER HAD A CAVITY IN MY LIFE. I can’t start now!
Dentist: Sure you can – I’ve got a whole mouth full of `em myself; they’re actually what led me to my calling. (Shows the evidence)
Patient: Well, yeah, but that’s expected for your… (Dentist raises an eyebrow) generation.
Dentist: Good save – it’s a minor procedure, probably won’t even have to numb you at all.
Patient: Numb me?!
Dentist: (Chuckles while lightly but firmly shoving Patient back down on the chair) It’ll take less than 10 minutes; you’re lucky I had a cancellation today or else both insurance and I’d’ve had to charge you for a separate visit.
Patient: But – ! (Hygienist shoves the suction tool back into Patient’s mouth as Dentist finishes preparations)
Dentist: (Dives in again and begins the work) You’re also very lucky, you know, to have gone this long without a filling – you can thank improved preventative care and those sealants I see your kiddie dentist put on your molars all those years ago, which are slowly but surely eroding like the sands of time.
Patient: [Whimpers]
Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out cement for a vise) Here we go, and press – it – down!
Patient: Nnnnh.
Dentist: Good, that means it’s working. (Hygienist swaps out the vise for a laser beam) Now to dry that on the gale-force-winds setting, heh-heh-heh. (The laser buzzes) Oops, missed a spot. (Hygienist swaps out the laser for more cement; Dentist tamps it down with a mini-jackhammer) Won’t be a minute!
Patient: (Pounded into the chair) Eeeeee!!!
Dentist: (As Hygienist swaps out the jackhammer for the vise) And again! (Clamps down on the tooth, the swaps that out for the laser beam again) And back to dry! (The laser “Bzzzzzzz”s)
Patient: (Teeth rattling) Zzzzzz –
Dentist: (Turns off the laser with a flourish) And we’re done! (Checks watch) What did I tell you – seven minutes! Nice bit of work if I may say so myself; how do you feel?
Patient: (Slumps in the chair as Hygienist removes dental accessories) Mmmfff….
Dentist: (Pats Patient’s shoulder) You’ll feel that way for the next half hour – don’t let that stop you from eating lunch later, and now you’ll have an edge on what you ingest, hee-hee! See you in six months. (Leaves the room while snapping off gloves into a nearby trashcan)
Hygienist: (Raises the exam chair to a sitting position and helps Patient out of it) Make sure to stop at the front desk on your way out – there might be an extra copay for this. (Patient stands next to the chair, deep in thought) You OK?
Patient: Hm? Oh, yeah, just realized something too late.
Hygienist: What, your dental insurance is out-of-network?
Patient: (Shudders) Not even in jest. No, I just realized that back when I made this appointment six months ago, I really shouldn’t have set it for the day after Halloween.
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