Story 465: Election Debate Match

(In a wrestling arena, the Crowds cheer and wave signs with their favorites’ names, likenesses, and slogans)

TV Announcer: (Addressing a camera and straining to be heard over the background roar) Good evening fans, and welcome to the final round of debates in this year’s gubernatorial election.  In the interests of time and attention spans, we are grouping our contestants – I mean, candidates – into pairs of two, with the winner of each debate advancing to the next round; the final winner will be the one elected governor.  Typically, there are no actual winners of debates in their usual format, but since elections are decided by the public anyway, we’ll be using audience feedback on each match – I mean, session – to determine which candidate they like better.  (Turns toward an off-screen disturbance) And it looks we’re beginning now.

(The camera turns to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses both on that area and on the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring)

Ring Announcer: (Unseen voice fills the arena) Good citizens all, welcome to tonight’s FINAL DEBAAAAATE!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, Candidate Numberrrrr Onnnnnnnnneeee!!!!

Crowds: (Cheer and boo simultaneously) Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 1 standing in the entranceway, wearing a business shirt with cutoff sleeves and long athletic shorts, and holding two signs high in the air, one reading “FILIBUSTER” and the other reading “SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS”.  Candidate 1 stands there for a few moments, then walks down the runway while regularly smashing the signs together, pausing a moment to scream at the TV camera that follows his progress to the center of the arena.  After sliding up onto the ring, he tosses the signs into a corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel him off, give him some water, and guide him to a waiting podium; he smiles and waves at the Crowds the entire time)

Ring Announcer: And now – (The camera turns back to the arena entrance as dramatic music swells and dramatic lighting focuses on both that area and the screaming Crowds lining each side of the runway leading to the ring) please welcome, Candidate Numberrrr Twoooooo!!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(A spotlight shines on Candidate 2 standing in the entranceway, wearing an exercise tank top and business slacks, and holding a basket filled with pins which she grabs bunches of and tosses into the surrounding Crowds.  As she passes the camera she holds up a pin to show that it reads “VOTE FOR ME”, turns it around to show a $100.00 bill attached to the back, winks, and continues tossing pins to the enthusiastic audience until she reaches the center of the arena.  After swinging herself into the ring, she flings the empty basket into another corner and is surrounded by a waiting entourage who towel her off, give her some water, and guide her to another waiting podium that faces the one opposite; she has her picture taken multiple times while smiling broadly and giving two thumbs up with the massive Crowds in the background)

Ring Announcer: And now, please welcome, our Moderatorrrrrrr!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (Wearing a referee outfit and baseball catcher’s protective gear, enters the ring from somewhere in the audience and addresses the Candidates) All right, you two: shake hands; make this a good, clean debate.

Candidates 1 and 2: (Stare at Moderator, then laugh hysterically)

Moderator: Fine, then just make this a good show.

(Candidates 1 and 2 shake hands vigorously while swiveling on a 360° axis to smile at the Crowds surrounding them as cameras flash everywhere; Moderator finally separates them and they return to their podiums, rubbing and flexing their previously shaking hands; the Crowds lower the volume on their screams a smidgen)

Moderator: Now, this first question is for Candidate 1 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

(Candidate 1 smiles and waves again; someone in the audience swoons and needs to be carried outside for fresh air)

Moderator: If elected governor, what do you plan to actually do in office?

Candidate 1: (Blinks a few times at Moderator, smile slightly faltering) “Do”?

Moderator: Yes, do.  As in, do.

Candidate 1: …Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do: I’m not gonna steal –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!!

Candidate 1: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and lie, and all-around abuse my position, like my opponent here has done, for the PAST FOUR YEARS!!!

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: Candidate 2, your rebuttal?

Candidate 2: (Smiling extremely broadly) Thank you.  First of all, I would like to point out my humility in going second in these debates even though I am the current Governor and really should have been first in everything.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Candidate 2: Having gotten that out of the way, I also would like to point out that my opponent’s accusations are completely without merit, and also made-up.

Candidate 1: Oh, “made-up,” you say?!  (Waves a hand to an entourage member, who gives him a stack of papers that he then waves in the air) Then what about all these charges on file with the State’s Attorney General’s office, hmmm???  (Cursorily flips through them) Fraud – bribery – ethics violations – obstruction – grand theft auto – and, most egregious of all, LITTERING!?  (Slams the pile of papers onto the podium)

Candidate 2: (Still smiling broadly while addressing the Crowds) Folks, my opponent here like to use a lot fancy words to distract you from the real issues that affect us.  You all know I’m a plain, simple gal, and I tell it like it is, so here goes: my opponent is a dirty rotten liar.

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: (To Candidate 2) Refrain yourself –

Candidate 1: (Interjecting; to Candidate 2) OK, OK, you want simple words?  (To the Crowds while pointing to Candidate 2) How about this: my opponent is a criminal, a LITERAL!  CRIMINAL!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) Po-ta-to, po-tah-to!

Candidate 1: (Sputtering) That’s – it’s – this isn’t even a situation where that would apply!

Candidate 2: (Still smiling) …To-ma-to, to-mah-to!

Moderator: Let’s move on to the next question, this time for Candidate 2 –

Crowds: Raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!!

Moderator: If elected to a second term, what do you plan to actually do in office?  An addendum to that question is: aside from the list Candidate 1 so helpfully supplied earlier, what have you actually done in office so far?

Candidate 2: Well, I plan to continue the great work of standing up for the people, and not for certain groups who happen to be my buddies –

Crowds: Booooo!!!!

Candidate 2: (As Crowds’ “Booooo!!!!!”s increase in volume) – and bought my seat in the State Senate!

Candidate 1: (Is restrained from vaulting over the podium by members of his entourage) You say that to my face!

Candidate 2: (Likewise restrained by members of her entourage) I JUST DID!

(They both break loose from their followers and tackle each other to the floor of the ring, simultaneously trying to wrap their legs around the other’s body in a submission hold while also trying to half-nelson the other’s arms)

Crowds: (Flinging their signs into the air) RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Moderator grabs each Candidate by the ear and slowly lifts them to standing as they disentangle their limbs)

Candidates 1 and 2: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow –

Moderator: I declare this debate a draw –

Crowds: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Moderator: Each of you will separately face the winner of the next round, and we’ll take it from there.  If you wind up having to debate each other again, the winner will be whoever annoys me and the voters the least.  (Releases the ears) Clear?

Candidates 1 and 2: (Rubbing their ears, looking down at the floor, and mumbling) Yeah, OK, all right –

Moderator: Fine, now get out of my sight.  (They grab their props and run out of the ring to exit the arena, followed by their entourages trying to give them water; Moderator takes off the catcher’s mask briefly to wipe sweat off forehead) All right, bring on the next set!

TV Announcer: (Back on camera) What an exciting night for the political process, folks.  I, for one, can barely contain my anticipation of the upcoming matches to determine who will be the next leader of this state and, possibly one day, the entire country.  (Listens to an earpiece for several seconds) I’m being told that the next debate will involve a long-time mayor who has fought tirelessly for permanent solutions to complex socioeconomic issues, and some rando who likes to yell at people a lot in the grocery store; naturally, then, this will be a cage match.  (A sign bounces off of TV Announcer’s head, who closes eyes only momentarily in reaction) So, stay tuned!

Story 314: I Voted, So I Can Complain

            (In a café)

            Friend 2: (Scrolling through phone) Oooh, the results are in!

            Friend 1: (Eating a muffin) Rah-ults uh wha?

           Friend 2: Don’t be gross – the township election results, what else would be going on right now?

           Friend 1: Sorry, thought we were up to Oscar season already.  So, which crooks are in office now?

             Friend 2: Ha-ha, at least most of them try to do some good.

            Friend 1: Of course they do.  Until the reality of entrenched corruption slaps them in the face and they’re forced to either join up with the villains or die, politically speaking.  Still, we usually get some paved roads and a new playground for the kiddies out of it, so there’s that.

            Friend 2: Whatever; I voted across parties this time and even wrote in a few names, so if they actually all get elected it’ll be interesting to see if anything gets done.  Although, since I did vote, I now have carte blanche to complain when nothing does.

           Friend 1: Really?  I hated all the choices this time around so I didn’t bother voting, but now you’re saying I’m not allowed to complain about it?

            Friend 2: (Stares) You?  Didn’t?  Vote?

            Friend 1: Facts.

            Friend 2: Why not?

            Friend 1: I counter that with “Why?”

          Friend 2: Be-be-because it’s the cornerstone of Democracy, and our ancestors fought for the right to have a say in how our government is run, and you’re just completely disregarding it like it was nothing!

          Friend 1: They fought for the right to have someone else do whatever they feel like when they’re in office, while we get stuck with “Bad” and “Worse” for at least four years or until the next puppet comes along.

            Friend 2: But how can you complain now when you didn’t even vote?

            Friend 1: Very easily: I complain all the time.

         Friend 2: But you willfully chose to have no say!  (Holds up the phone to show the election results) Of the two of us, I should be the only one allowed to complain that we’re stuck with Mayor McDouche, again!

            Friend 1: Ugh, what losers voted her in?

            Friend 2: Well, she may not’ve been if you had voted at all!

          Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments) Nah, I might’ve selected her name by accident on the machine `cause it’s familiar.  Those things don’t let you go back and change your vote, even before you hit “Submit,” have you ever noticed that?

         Friend 2: I still can’t believe you of all people did not vote, and then have the unmitigated gall to complain about who was elected.  Only I have that right, do you hear me?!

            Friend 1: Calm down – it’s not against the law to not vote, and I can complain all I want about my fellows.  It’s my American right.

          Friend 2: You keep telling yourself that: if every citizen were like you, when it’s the Senate race next year you might find yourself out of office because no one bothered to show up at the polls!

            Friend 1: Nonsense – if no one voted then I’d just keep my seat forever until someone actually did.  Although, I probably would need to at least vote for myself, but I always feel like that’s a sign of vanity.