Story 451: Tourists in a Regular Ol’ Town

A summer morning in the literal embodiment of a sleepy town.  The lone supermarket has not opened yet; the daily newspapers are just now being delivered at a relaxed pace; two runners are briskly walking the sidewalks; office workers and store employees are leisurely opening up their businesses; and the birds are lazily chirping.  Traffic gradually increases as residents head for work, appointments, shopping, and camp.  As the cars and pedestrians take their time in the steadily rising heat, a huge charter bus suddenly appears on Main Street and stops at the only depot.

Curious passers-by slow down and stare as a large group disembarks – almost all the passengers immediately begin taking photos of the town, and all are wearing variations of the same type of shorts, T-shirts, caps, and sunglasses.

One passenger takes the lead, carrying a pennant and wearing a badge that reads “Tour Guide” as they all start walking down the sidewalk.

Tour Guide: And so, we have arrived in the quaint example of “Small Town America.”  Observe the present iteration of the settlement that had been erected over First Nations’ land – (Cameras flash) observe the small-in-scale local examples of entrepreneurship – (Cameras flash) observe the traffic signals (Cameras flash) observe the local street signs with their local flair – (Cameras flash) observe the local locals – (Cameras flash)

A pedestrian walking in the opposite direction attempts to go around the group.

Pedestrian: Excuse me.

Tour Guide: Aha, a local local – tell us, please, what are some of the highlights of this charming town that would be considered a “must-see” for any tourist?

Pedestrian: (Eyes the group) Wait, you’re tourists?  For this town?

Tour Guide: Yes indeedy!

Pedestrian: …Why?

Tour Guide: To experience the essence of what it means to live the authentic life of an everyday suburbanite, of course!

Pedestrian: Oh.  Well, there’s a fish fry coming up on Sunday –

Tour Guide: We’re here today only.

Pedestrian: Oh.  OK, well, the library’s right down the street –

Tour Guide: To the library!

The group charges forward, past Pedestrian.

Pedestrian: But I wasn’t done yet….

The group approaches the building, which clearly used to be a rich person’s mansion.

Tour Guide: (Reading a display outside the building) So, apparently this whole area was some business owner’s estate, which was then inevitably sold off piece-by-piece until the house alone was left, which was donated to the county by the family’s last heir and isn’t even the original building because it had to be rebuilt after centuries of water and insect damage.  It’s rumored that the ghost of the original owner roams the current library’s stacks, yelling at patrons to stop whispering.

The group heads inside the library, taking pictures of the historical décor and the modern computers, until Head Librarian approaches.

Head Librarian: Oh no, none of this. (Points to a sign by the front door that reads: “No tour groups taking voyeuristic photos and handling materials they cannot check out since they have no library card for this county are permitted in this building.”)

Tour Guide: You librarians sure thing of everything.

Head Librarian: An unfortunate part of the job.

Tour Guide: Understood.  (To the group) Onward!

The group heads back to Main Street and enters Town Hall.

Tour Guide: Ah yes, the nerve center of this town, where all the magic happens.

Receptionist: (In a booth) You folks have an appointment?  With… anyone?

Tour Guide: Nope – we’re just sightseeing!

Receptionist: Here?

Tour Guide: Yepperz!  Trying to catch all the highlights.  (Cameras flash)

Receptionist: No photos, please – if you don’t have any actual business here then you’re gonna have to leave, or the cops down the hall’ll arrest you for trespassing.

Tour Guide: (To the group) Another fascinating tidbit about small-town life: all actions must have purpose.  Onward!  (The group leaves)

Receptionist: (Returns to reading a novel) That’ll probably be the most excitement we’ll have all year.

The group continues down Main Street and stops at a diner.

Tour Guide: Right – who’s hungry?  (All hands are raised aloft) In we go!  (They enter and approach the front desk where an employee awaits) Hi!  Table for 30, please.

Employee: Umm, I can give you a bunch of booths and tables over in that corner.  (Points to an empty area of the diner)

Tour Guide: Splendid!  We are so looking forward to sampling local fare!   

Employee: (Grabbing 30 menus and leading the group to their sections as cameras flash) Well, it’s typical diner stuff you can get pretty much anywhere….

Tour Guide: But made by locals here!  I love it!

Employee: Sure.

They all have lunch and two hours later continue the tour to a nearby park.

Tour Guide: Ooh, it seems there’s a juvenile event going on right now!  Observe the makeshift baseball field – observe the runners, the jumpers, the shot-putters, the –

Camp Counselor: Move along, peeping strangers!

Tour Guide: Right-ho!  (They head to another area of the park where there are trails, benches, and picnic tables) Observe the quiet solitude of nature – (Cameras flash) observe the green grass, the towering trees, the clear sky – (Cameras flash) observe the sturdy paved trail – oh my, an actual squirrel!  (Cameras flash frantically)

Hiker: (Passing by on a trail) You like that, you should check out the ducks hanging out at the lake.                                         

Tour Guide: (Gasps) Actual ducks?!  Quickly, everyone!  (They all run to the lake and stare in wonder at the ducks on the water; Tour Guide speaks in a hushed voice as cameras flash reverently) Observe how they appear to be swimming so placidly, yet underneath the water’s surface their webbed feet are paddling madly.  If only we all could be like the duck.

Fisher: (Casting a line nearby) Could you all actually scootch down a ways, please?  You’re gonna scare the fish away.

Tour Guide: (Gasps) There’re fish here, too?!

Fisher: Sssshhhh!!!!

The group scootches down a ways and watches the fish in wonder.  Several hours later, the group arrives back at the depot and boards the bus as the sun is setting.

Tour Guide: (At the head of the bus aisle, near the driver) Well folks, I’m glad we got to see most of what we were aiming for today – the only thing we really missed was a tour of the local school, but that was to be expected since it’s not in session during the summer and they probably would’ve kicked us out anyway.  Now, you all have your souvenirs?  (The tour group members hold up various knick-knacks from the impulse-buy section at the supermarket and samples from that day’s newspaper) Great!  And so, our next stop on the itinerary is… (Checks a clipboard) the local roadside motel!

Tour Group Members: Woo-hoo!

The bus drives away as several residents watch.

Resident 1: They seemed nice.

Resident 2: Yeah, but kinda weird.  Who’d ever wanna come to this town just to visit?

Resident 1: I know, right?  This is a work town, not a play town.

Story 450: Enemies to Besties: A Houseplant Story

(The sun rises, shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)

Cactus: <Sigh.  You’d think the Human would’ve figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing side of this place, but no.  Times like this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself on outta here.>

Bird: (Singing while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window) <Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-> (Flies away)

Cactus: <Inanity.>

(Human enters carrying a watering can)

Human: (Trills) Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!

Cactus: <Oh no, just what I don’t need.>

Human: (Waters Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!

Cactus: (Sputtering through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me!  Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own people stuck in my dirt?!  I AM A DESERT PLANT!>

Human: (Still watering) Drink up, yum-yum-yum!

Cactus: <Blergh.  Just for that, I’m taking extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)

Human: (Finishes watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise!  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Wonderful.  Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>

(Several hours later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)

Human: Look who I found to keep you company!  (Plants the plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!

Ficus: (To Cactus) <Hi there!>

Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>

Human: (Now watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my darling!

Ficus: (Gulping) <Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>

Cactus: <Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>

Ficus: <Huh?>

Human: (To Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just because I brought in someone new to our home!

Cactus: <Perish the thought.  And don’t touch me.>

Human: I’ll leave you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee!  (Waves and leaves the room again)

Ficus: <So, I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother – >

Cactus: <Don’t call it that.>

Ficus: <Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me!  Me, out of everyone else there!  To come to this wonderful place!>

Cactus: <Uh-huh.  You do realize we’re meant to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>

Ficus: <Oh.  Well, the humans at the greenhouse often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot or something like that.>

Cactus: <Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>

Ficus: <Oh.  I guess.  They’re not all bad, though.>

Cactus: (Plant-equivalent of a snort)

Ficus: <And anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you!  Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to experience a glorious sunrise, every day!  Can life get any better than this?>

Cactus: <Don’t talk to me.>

(That evening, Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)

Human: I hope you two are getting along famously!

Ficus: <Oh yes, Mother!>

Cactus: <Rubbish.>

Human: Have a good night, my lovelies!  (Turns off the light and leaves the room)

Ficus: <Well, this has been an extremely exciting day!  Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>

Cactus: <Go right ahead.>

Ficus: <Great!  We’re going to have such fun tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and ever!  Nighty-night!>  (Immediate silence)

Cactus: <Help….>

 THE NEXT DAY

(Human enters the room and opens the blinds and windows)

Human: Gooood moooooorniiing!  And how did we enjoy our first night together, roomies?  Did we – oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!

Cactus: (Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined) <How did this happen?>

Ficus: (Stirring awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other during the night!>

Cactus: (Shaking leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>

Ficus: <Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>

Cactus: <What?!>

Human: (Holds up a cell phone) Smile with your leaves!  (Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous!  So cute.  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Monster.>

Ficus: (Starts swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>

Cactus: <You’re making it worse!>  (Tries shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)

Ficus: (Stops swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this magnificent day.>

Cactus: <A bit hard to do that at the moment.>

Ficus: (Notices Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>

Bird: (Singing) <Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!>  (Flies away)

Ficus: <I love birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to boot.>

Cactus: <I guess.  My flowers only show up in winter when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot point.>

Ficus: <For us maybe, but not for our brethren.>

Cactus: <I guess.>

Ficus: <This is a lovely view, by the way.  Trees, grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but this is very nice.>

Cactus: <Huh.  I never really thought about it that way.  You know, with all this in front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re out there with them.>

Ficus: <Yes, very nice.>  (Gently shakes Cactus’s leaves)

Cactus: <Don’t push it, kid.>

Ficus: <Gotcha.>

 ONE YEAR LATER

(The house is nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)

Human: (Enters with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!

Ficus: <Good morning to you, too!>

Cactus: <Oh no kid, this is it!>

Human: Now, I saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here, but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you.  (Gently picks up both pots so as not to separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)

Cactus: (To Ficus) <Don’t let go!>

Ficus: <No worries, we’ve got this!>  (As they are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>

Cactus: <Oh yeah – bye, view!>

Ficus: <And don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again in our new home.>

Cactus: <You promise?>

Ficus: <As much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of our control.>

Cactus: <Don’t I know it.>

(They are set in the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor; Human whistles while driving them away from the house)

Cactus: <I hate change.>

Ficus: <That you do.  But at least we have each other.>

Cactus: <Yeah.  You know, you may not have noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first brought in.>

Ficus: <I sensed that a bit, yes.>

Cactus: <Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>

Ficus: (Holds up entwined leaves) <Likewise.  Bestie?>

Cactus: <Bestie.>  (They shake leaves in solidarity)

Human: (Looking at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?

Cactus: <They always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.> 

Story 449: Diagnosis Massage

             (In a massage room at a spa, Client is lying face-down on the table and covered with lots of blankets when Massage Therapist enters carrying a stack of forms)

Massage Therapist: Hel-whoa, you’re already disrobed and in position, OK.  (Closes the door)

Client: (Props up self on one hand while preserving modesty with the blankets) Yeah, I don’t waste any time.  Nice to meet you, by the way.

Massage Therapist: Likewise.  (Scans through the forms) So, you marked off here that you have pain in your back, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head, and you’re basically a big ol’ mess, is that correct?

Client: Well, actually it’s just sometimes I get twinges here and there, like when I run up against a wall or table or something, you know, no big deal.

Massage Therapist: So, you’re not in constant body-wide pain as this form seems to be saying?

Client: (Laughs) Good heavens, no; you think I’d be here if I was?

Massage Therapist: This is a medical spa, so yes.

Client: Oh.  Someone just gave me a gift certificate for here, and I never get massages but since this was free I was like, “Sure.”

Massage Therapist: Mm-hm.  (Uses a pen to cross out the entire page) That should be it – normally I’d step out for a few minutes to give you a chance to strip, but since that’s a moot point we’ll get started.  (Turns down the lights and turns up the ambient music) Now, please lie on your back as I start on your head and throat.

Client: (Lies on back) Oh yay, here we go!

(Massage Therapist works on Client’s scalp and neck for a few minutes, then suddenly stops)

Massage Therapist: Do you have sleep apnea?

Client: (Wakes from a semi-doze) Huh?  Sleep what? 

Massage Therapist: You stop breathing when you sleep?

Client: Ummmm, I have no idea… although I do know that I’m quite the snorer.

Massage Therapist: (Continues massage) Mm.  You might want to get a referral for a sleep study.

Client: Oh.  How do you know?

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, while rubbing Client’s shoulders) There are signs….

Client: Oh.  Good to know, I guess.

(Massage Therapist moves on to Client’s arms and legs, slowing down around the left elbow)

Massage Therapist: Hmmmm….

Client: What?

Massage Therapist: You ever break this arm?

Client: What?!  No!

Massage Therapist: (Placing slight pressure on the ulna closer to the elbow) You sure about that?

Client: Yes!  Well, I mean, I banged it up pretty bad once –

Massage Therapist: (Still feeling around the elbow) About three years ago?

Client: (Thinks) Maybe?  Years are starting to turn into days for me, if you know what I mean.  But I never full-out broke it, I’d’ve known about it!

Massage Therapist: Mm.  (Puts the arm under the blankets and moves on to the left leg) Yeah, it was full-out broken and it surprisingly healed basically straight, but you now have rampant arthritis there and you’ll know whenever it’s going to rain or snow for the rest of your life.

Client: (Lifts up arm to stare at it) But it feels fine!  Ish.  It does get a bit funny when the weather’s bad, now that you mention it.  (Stares closer at the elbow) Is that what that lump is?!

Massage Therapist: (Gently lowers the arm back under the blankets) Ssshhh – all will be well.  It’s just that joint replacement may be in your future, that’s all.

Client: <Whimpers>

(Massage Therapist finishes the right arm and the legs and moves on to the feet)

Massage Therapist: Hard to find shoes in your size, is it?

Client: (Lifts head slightly off the table) Yes!  Apparently, small feet don’t exist so I either have to get kids’ sizes or wear extra socks!  (Lowers head back down, then raises it again) Why do you ask?

Massage Therapist: You’re on your way to needing orthotics since your feet are all messed up.

Client: (Drops head back down) Arggghhh....

Massage Therapist: Nothing to be ashamed of – your feet just are a bit wee.

Client: I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed!

Massage Therapist: (Focuses on the right foot) You used to play soccer, yes?

Client: (Suspiciously) Yessss...?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: You have a footballer’s foot.  Right dominant?

Client: Yesss…?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: Right wear-and-tear.  (Finishes the feet and dries off the oil with hot towels)

Client: Ooh, nice and warm.

Massage Therapist: Yep, these get off the excess gunk I just slathered all over you.  (Slightly lifts up the blankets and turns away) Flip over and stick your face in the hole, please.  (Client flips over and sticks face through the padded hole at the head of the bed; Massage Therapist works on Client’s back, focusing on the shoulders) Hmmm….

Client: Oh no, what is it now?

Massage Therapist: You have to deal with an unreasonable landlord and noisy neighbors a lot?

Client: (Tries to sit up but is stuck) How on Earth did you know that?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, rubbing the back firmly but soothingly) There are signs….

Client: Odd spot for them to be.

(After the session is completed, Massage Therapist leaves the room for Client to get dressed, returning after a few minutes with a cup of water)

Client: (Hands over a tip while accepting the water) Thanks.  (Drinks quickly)

Massage Therapist: (Pockets the tip serenely) My pleasure.  By the way, I didn’t want to bring this up while you were relaxing toward the end there, but you might want to stop procrastinating and reconcile with your parents before it’s too late.

Client: (Nearly spits out the water) OK, how could you possibly be able to tell any of that from just kneading my muscles?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously) There are signs….

Client: In what?!  My pinky?!  My bicep?!  My hamstring?!  (Gasps) My hair?!

Massage Therapist: (Shifts to a casual stance) OK, full disclosure?

Client: Please.

Massage Therapist: I used to be a fortune teller at a traveling carnival.

Client: Ohhhh….

Massage Therapist: Yeah – I switched over to this because the customers complained a lot.  No one really likes hearing the full truth about themselves, you ever notice that?

Story 448: The Great 4th of July Party Platter Hunt

 The great hunt begins.

After the ordeal of commuting from The City after the ordeal of The Workday, The Hunter mounts the trusty metallic steed and frantically charges toward the stationary herds where the prey is anticipated to await.

The date: July 3.

The target: a fruit platter large enough for a gathering of both family and friends.

The back-up plan: buying individual strawberries, cantaloupes, honeydews, pineapples, and watermelons, and chopping up the whole mess.  This is not an ideal alternative: it will be slipshod, it will be haphazard, it will be slovenly, and it will reek of procrastination.

The Hunter arrives at Herd #1, Supermarket Down-the-Street; rapidly dismounts the cooling metallic steed; and charges directly into the Herd.

Target Acquired: the display of pre-packed fruit and vegetables sits brazenly in the open, daring those strong enough to come seize the spoils.

The Hunter hesitates not and plunges ahead.

The shelves in the display are practically bare: the only ones left are a tiny platter fit for a mere family dinner, and a large platter exactly at its sell-by date.

Blast.  The hunt continues.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed and charges across the street to Herd #2, The Rival Supermarket Down-the-Street.

After several minutes wading through the terrain, it is determined that no fruit platters were ever actually to be had here.  This Herd is left intact, and the hunt continues once more.

The Hunter remounts the metallic steed yet again, temperature of both rider and vehicle steadily increasing, and embarks for Herd #3, The Supermarket Next-Town-Over.

Upon charging into the midst of the herd, it is glaringly apparent that all prey have been claimed by other hunters long ago; The Hunter about-faces and leaves immediately.

At The Rival Supermarket Next-Town-Over, the shelves empty of prey in Herd # 4 stare back at The Hunter for quite some time before the former runs out the door.  Less than a minute later, an employee wheels over a cart of platters to restock the shelves, unobserved.

At last, The Hunter has success with Herd #5: a fruit platter that is not too big or too small, but just right.  The Hunter uses a net with a grappling hook to snare the perfect platter, inspect the sell-by date, and whisk the prize off to the self-check-out lane.  The Hunt has come to a successful conclusion after much toil and heartache.

The date: July 4.

The great migratory herds of hunters and their metallic steeds slowly crawl through roads packed with massive numbers of their kind, as all head to watering holes of various sizes to eat, drink, and watch colored flames exploding in the sky to celebrate their status as an independent nation, and all the sacrifices and hard work that these festivities represent.

Hunter’s Companion, in the driver’s seat of the metallic steed, turns to Hunter as they wait to advance another inch and says, “You know, it’ll take us forever to get there, but at least it’ll be fun once we do.  Good thing you got the fruit platter yesterday instead of waiting till today, huh.”

Hunter: “…I left it on the kitchen counter!”