A summer morning in the literal embodiment of a sleepy town. The lone supermarket has not opened yet; the daily newspapers are just now being delivered at a relaxed pace; two runners are briskly walking the sidewalks; office workers and store employees are leisurely opening up their businesses; and the birds are lazily chirping. Traffic gradually increases as residents head for work, appointments, shopping, and camp. As the cars and pedestrians take their time in the steadily rising heat, a huge charter bus suddenly appears on Main Street and stops at the only depot.
Curious passers-by slow down and stare as a large group disembarks – almost all the passengers immediately begin taking photos of the town, and all are wearing variations of the same type of shorts, T-shirts, caps, and sunglasses.
One passenger takes the lead, carrying a pennant and wearing a badge that reads “Tour Guide” as they all start walking down the sidewalk.
Tour Guide: And so, we have arrived in the quaint example of “Small Town America.” Observe the present iteration of the settlement that had been erected over First Nations’ land – (Cameras flash) observe the small-in-scale local examples of entrepreneurship – (Cameras flash) observe the traffic signals (Cameras flash) observe the local street signs with their local flair – (Cameras flash) observe the local locals – (Cameras flash)
A pedestrian walking in the opposite direction attempts to go around the group.
Pedestrian: Excuse me.
Tour Guide: Aha, a local local – tell us, please, what are some of the highlights of this charming town that would be considered a “must-see” for any tourist?
Pedestrian: (Eyes the group) Wait, you’re tourists? For this town?
Tour Guide: Yes indeedy!
Pedestrian: …Why?
Tour Guide: To experience the essence of what it means to live the authentic life of an everyday suburbanite, of course!
Pedestrian: Oh. Well, there’s a fish fry coming up on Sunday –
Tour Guide: We’re here today only.
Pedestrian: Oh. OK, well, the library’s right down the street –
Tour Guide: To the library!
The group charges forward, past Pedestrian.
Pedestrian: But I wasn’t done yet….
The group approaches the building, which clearly used to be a rich person’s mansion.
Tour Guide: (Reading a display outside the building) So, apparently this whole area was some business owner’s estate, which was then inevitably sold off piece-by-piece until the house alone was left, which was donated to the county by the family’s last heir and isn’t even the original building because it had to be rebuilt after centuries of water and insect damage. It’s rumored that the ghost of the original owner roams the current library’s stacks, yelling at patrons to stop whispering.
The group heads inside the library, taking pictures of the historical décor and the modern computers, until Head Librarian approaches.
Head Librarian: Oh no, none of this. (Points to a sign by the front door that reads: “No tour groups taking voyeuristic photos and handling materials they cannot check out since they have no library card for this county are permitted in this building.”)
Tour Guide: You librarians sure thing of everything.
Head Librarian: An unfortunate part of the job.
Tour Guide: Understood. (To the group) Onward!
The group heads back to Main Street and enters Town Hall.
Tour Guide: Ah yes, the nerve center of this town, where all the magic happens.
Receptionist: (In a booth) You folks have an appointment? With… anyone?
Tour Guide: Nope – we’re just sightseeing!
Receptionist: Here?
Tour Guide: Yepperz! Trying to catch all the highlights. (Cameras flash)
Receptionist: No photos, please – if you don’t have any actual business here then you’re gonna have to leave, or the cops down the hall’ll arrest you for trespassing.
Tour Guide: (To the group) Another fascinating tidbit about small-town life: all actions must have purpose. Onward! (The group leaves)
Receptionist: (Returns to reading a novel) That’ll probably be the most excitement we’ll have all year.
The group continues down Main Street and stops at a diner.
Tour Guide: Right – who’s hungry? (All hands are raised aloft) In we go! (They enter and approach the front desk where an employee awaits) Hi! Table for 30, please.
Employee: Umm, I can give you a bunch of booths and tables over in that corner. (Points to an empty area of the diner)
Tour Guide: Splendid! We are so looking forward to sampling local fare!
Employee: (Grabbing 30 menus and leading the group to their sections as cameras flash) Well, it’s typical diner stuff you can get pretty much anywhere….
Tour Guide: But made by locals here! I love it!
Employee: Sure.
They all have lunch and two hours later continue the tour to a nearby park.
Tour Guide: Ooh, it seems there’s a juvenile event going on right now! Observe the makeshift baseball field – observe the runners, the jumpers, the shot-putters, the –
Camp Counselor: Move along, peeping strangers!
Tour Guide: Right-ho! (They head to another area of the park where there are trails, benches, and picnic tables) Observe the quiet solitude of nature – (Cameras flash) observe the green grass, the towering trees, the clear sky – (Cameras flash) observe the sturdy paved trail – oh my, an actual squirrel! (Cameras flash frantically)
Hiker: (Passing by on a trail) You like that, you should check out the ducks hanging out at the lake.
Tour Guide: (Gasps) Actual ducks?! Quickly, everyone! (They all run to the lake and stare in wonder at the ducks on the water; Tour Guide speaks in a hushed voice as cameras flash reverently) Observe how they appear to be swimming so placidly, yet underneath the water’s surface their webbed feet are paddling madly. If only we all could be like the duck.
Fisher: (Casting a line nearby) Could you all actually scootch down a ways, please? You’re gonna scare the fish away.
Tour Guide: (Gasps) There’re fish here, too?!
Fisher: Sssshhhh!!!!
The group scootches down a ways and watches the fish in wonder. Several hours later, the group arrives back at the depot and boards the bus as the sun is setting.
Tour Guide: (At the head of the bus aisle, near the driver) Well folks, I’m glad we got to see most of what we were aiming for today – the only thing we really missed was a tour of the local school, but that was to be expected since it’s not in session during the summer and they probably would’ve kicked us out anyway. Now, you all have your souvenirs? (The tour group members hold up various knick-knacks from the impulse-buy section at the supermarket and samples from that day’s newspaper) Great! And so, our next stop on the itinerary is… (Checks a clipboard) the local roadside motel!
Tour Group Members: Woo-hoo!
The bus drives away as several residents watch.
Resident 1: They seemed nice.
Resident 2: Yeah, but kinda weird. Who’d ever wanna come to this town just to visit?
Resident 1: I know, right? This is a work town, not a play town.
