(In an office
cubicle, Co-Worker 1 and Co-Worker 2 are seated at a desk and staring at the
phone)
Co-Worker 1: I
think you should call them.
Co-Worker 2:
Me? Why would you even think that’s a
good idea?
Co-Worker 1:
`Cause you have better telephone etiquette than I do.
Co-Worker 2:
Ha! You just don’t want to do it.
Co-Worker 1:
That’s part of it.
Co-Worker 2:
You’re the head of the project here; you should do it.
Co-Worker 1:
Yeah, but I hate calling angry people who’re just going to get angrier with
what I tell them.
Co-Worker 2: I
guess, but you’re only reminding them to do their job so you’re, you know, in
the right and all.
Co-Worker 1:
Being right doesn’t matter if the person who’s wrong steamrolls all over you,
several times. Every single conversation
I’ve had with them, they immediately start getting all “You’re not making any
sense!” and “How dare you?!” and “Who do you think you are?!”, and most
of the time I’m just asking for a status update.
Co-Worker 2:
That behavior is all the typical signs of a slacker who just got caught.
Co-Worker 1: Oh
definitely, but try telling that to my brain and nervous system during one of
these bouts: about halfway through the call I suddenly start getting the shakes
and I keep swallowing mid-sentence for no reason. And it shows up in my voice so they can hear
my agita over the phone and ramp up the attack another 10 notches! I barely get to hang up with any of my
dignity left. (Stares at Co-Worker 2) I
think you should call them.
Co-Worker 2: Not
this again; and how’s that going to look if I call for you?
Co-Worker 1:
Just say I’m out sick and all abuse will have to be deferred to another day or
sent by e-mail – ooh, yes, tell them to send all abuse by e-mail and then we can
really nail `em!
Co-Worker 2:
(Pushes the phone over to Co-Worker 1) Just do it and be done with it; we can go to
the breakroom afterwards and grab some candy, would that make you feel better,
hm?
Co-Worker 1:
No. Having that after this will only
make the candy taste worse. (Picks up
the receiver and slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming all the while)
Co-Worker 2:
There, there; it’ll all be over soon.
(Co-Worker 3 sticks
head into the cubicle)
Co-Worker 3:
Excuse me, but – oh sorry, you’re on the phone.
Co-Worker 1:
(Slams down the receiver and leaps out of the chair, knocking it over) Not at
all! What can we do for you?
Co-Worker 3: Uh,
I just wanted to see if you could help me generate a report on the database, but
I can come back later.
Co-Worker 1:
(Grabs Co-Worker 3’s elbow and rushes both of them out of the cubicle)
Nope-nope-nope-nope, we are doing this now, I will brook no arguments!
Co-Worker 2:
(Still seated in the chair) Don’t worry about me; I’ll be right here.
(One hour later)
Co-Worker 1:
(Chuckling to self while re-entering the cubicle, holding a cup of coffee, and
sitting back on the now-upright chair.
Turns to Co-Worker 2) So, what’d I miss?
Co-Worker 2: I
finished our semi-annual report.
Co-Worker 1: Oh,
splendid, splendid. And… any word on
our… you know… other… issue?
Co-Worker 2: I
didn’t call them, if that’s what you mean.
Co-Worker 1: Gaaah! (Splashes coffee as the cup is slammed onto
the desk) Sorry. Why not?
Co-Worker 2:
Getting verbally slapped repeatedly is neither in my pay grade nor job
description.
Co-Worker 1:
It’s not in anyone’s job description, and yet here we all are. (Stares at the phone, then begins to whine
and squirm again)
Co-Worker 2:
(Picks up the receiver) Would you like me to dial for you?
Co-Worker 1:
I’ve got it! Thanks. (Slowly starts to dial, whining and squirming
all the while)
(Co-Worker 3
sticks head into the cubicle)
Co-Worker 3: Hi,
sorry to bother you again – oh sorry, you’re on the phone again –
Co-Worker 1:
(Rips the phone out of the wall and throws it into the garbage can) Absolutely
not! What can we do for you?
Co-Worker 2: (In
a low voice) Coward.
Co-Worker 1: (In
a low voice) Dodger.
Co-Worker 3:
Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d heard yet, but that jerk you’ve been dealing with on
the software project?
Co-Worker 1:
(Guilelessly) I don’t know who you mean.
Co-Worker 3: The
one who reams everybody out for no reason and does zero work?
Co-Worker 1: Oh,
I suppose.
Co-Worker 3:
Well, they totally got fired just now.
Co-Workers 1 and
2: (Simultaneously stand) WHAT???
Co-Worker 3:
Yeah, they started pulling their garbage thinking they were calling an
administrative assistant, when actually it was a VP who picked up.
Co-Worker 2: No
way!
Co-Worker 3: Oh
yeah. VP let them rant a bit, then
dropped the bombshell, dropped the mic, and dropped the call to e-mail the jerk’s
boss. I wish I had been there, it
sounded beautiful.
Co-Worker 1:
Wow.
Co-Worker 3: I
know, right? Whelp, figured you guys
would especially appreciate that – I’m going to continue spreading the cheer
around the office. (Leaves)
(Co-Workers 1
and 2 slowly sink into their chairs)
Co-Worker 1:
Wow, wow, wow.
Co-Worker 2:
D’accord.
Co-Worker 1: And
I almost called them earlier. And
would’ve had to go through all that again, and it would’ve turned out to
be for nothing.
Co-Worker 2:
Thank goodness for interruptions, right?
Co-Worker 1:
I’ll say. Although – what do we do with
the project now? They were our
only contact at that company, and it’ll probably take months until there’s a
replacement.
Co-Worker 2: I
think we can finally get some work done.
