(In Friend 1’s
apartment, Friend 2 is sitting on the living room couch and reading a book when
Friend 1 enters, pulling on a sweatshirt)
Friend 2: What…
are you doing?
Friend 1: (Stops
in mid-pull) Eh?
Friend 2: (Points
accusingly at the sweatshirt) Why are you putting on that? It’s over 70° outside!
Friend 1:
(Finishes adjusting attire) Yeah, well, it’s cooler inside than it is out.
Friend 2: Not
really: it’s over 70° in here, too. You
really should turn your thermostat down, by the way – I saw earlier that it’s
set for 85°.
Friend 1: I will
turn it down when it is absolutely necessary to do so and not a second earlier,
Earth-killer. (Glances at the
thermostat) Besides, I doubt it’s even 70° in here – this thing isn’t a smart thermostat,
it’s just a stupid thermostat like the rest of the retro analogue tech
scattered throughout the place.
Friend 2: Don’t
let them hear you say that: you’ll be the first they turn on during the robot
uprising.
Friend 1: I’m
quite sure I will be. (Sits in an
armchair and pulls on slipper socks over regular socks on feet)
Friend 2: Oh come
on – need me to make a bowl of chicken noodle soup for you too, while you’re at
it?!
Friend 1: Ooh,
that sounds lovely; would you?
Friend 2: Face it,
pal: you’re getting old.
Friend 1: I fail
to see the train of logic you boarded to reach that conclusion.
Friend 2: For
starters, it’s almost July and you’re dressed like “Winter Is Coming”!
Friend 1: Well
technically, we are still in Spring.
Friend 2: We
haven’t had Spring in years! We go
straight from Winter to the Rainy Season to Summer! (Walks to the window and opens it wide) Look
at the grass out there, it’s already burning!
Friend 1: (Peers
out, unconcernedly) Well, there are some very thoughtless dog walkers in
this area. (Wraps a fleece blanket
around self and curls up in the chair)
Friend 2: What –
what – what are you doing now?!
Friend 1:
Getting comfortable. Ooh, while you’re
up, could you bring me my knit cap from the hall closet, please?
Friend 2: No I
will not – you’re going to overheat and die!
Friend 1: Don’t
be dramatic; I’m not a car.
Friend 2: (Flops
back down on the couch) No, you’re just old.
Friend 1: Again
with the “o” word. And where is the
evidence for your newfound hypothesis, hm?
Friend 2: It’s
not new; I’ve been noticing it for years.
Every single person of advanced years I know is always freezing the
hotter outside it gets. I guess it’s
some kind of core temperature body change we’re all doomed to get; our cells struggling
to stay alive as everything breaks down or something.
Friend 1:
(Chuckles while briskly rubbing hands together) Hate to burst your bubble, but
your premise is flawed: I only just turned 35. (Friend 2 stares at Friend 1) That’s not old!
Friend 2: In
this society and time period, no; biologically, it’s the beginning of the end.
Friend 1: What?!
Friend 2: Think
about it: our bodies stop growing by age 21 the latest; we reach our ultimate
peak by early 30s the latest; it can only be downhill after that.
Friend 1: What?!
Friend 2: Haven’t
you noticed your appetite lessening, your hair graying, your skin drying out,
your muscles sagging?
Friend 1: Wha –
wel – whe – that last one’s just because I’m a lazy oaf!
Friend 2: Yeah,
and wrinkles are starting to show up around your eyes, and your hearing is
getting worse, and you’re falling asleep earlier and earlier at night, even in
the middle of a movie –
Friend 1:
Hey! I fall asleep because I have had a
busy and exhausting day at work!
Friend 2: You
work less now than you did in your 20s when you had two jobs and went to
school full-time!
Friend 1: I had
more motivation back then: it was before my epic failure at life.
Friend 2:
Whatever; your memory’s gotten real bad, too.
Friend 1: Has
not! I remember everything about
everything with perfect clarity!
Friend 2: OK:
what temperature did I say your thermostat was set to earlier?
Friend 1: (Mouth
opens and closes several times) Your memory’s bad!
Friend 2: Fine.
Friend 1:
(Flings off blanket and walks across the room) And just because I feel a slight
chill on a brisk Spring day does not translate into one of the myriad
symptoms you’ve obviously been tracking on me to diagnose my supposed
early-onset agedom! (Starts lighting the
fireplace)
Friend 2: (Walks
over to Friend 1 and snatches away the lighter) You want to be incinerated in your
own hot flash go right ahead, but you’re not taking me with you! (Tosses the lighter onto the couch and picks
up the book to leave)
Friend 1: (Snatches
the lighter from the couch) Go, leave, revel in the Dog Days of Summer that you
claim are going on out there! I’ll be
nice and cozy in here, I thank you.
Friend 2: (Opens
the front door) I’ll call you from the beach!
(Leaves)
Friend 1:
(Shakes head in disgust, lights fire, and goes back to curling up with the
blanket in the chair. Barely moves when
the front door opens again)
Friend 2: (Not
meeting Friend 1’s eyes) You got any gloves I could borrow?
Friend 1: (Opens
a lamp table drawer and pulls out a pair) I thought you’d never ask.
