Story 249: Trapped in the Movie Adaptation

            PRE-SCENE 1

(Characters gather in a null space)

            Lead Character: Hello everyone, I know you’re all as excited as I am to get this movie going–

            Undercover Villain: Woo-hoo!  I can’t wait for my shocking reveal, it is so epic!

           Lead Character: Yes.  Before we begin, I wanted to let you all know that we’re being joined today by Fan, who’ll be along for the ride in every scene.

            Fan: Hi, guys!

            Obligatory Love Interest: Wow, we already have a Fan?

            Fan: Oh yes, I just loved the book, it’s one of my favorites.

            (Characters stare at Fan)

            Lead Character: You do know that a lot of things from the book got… altered in the movie adaptation, right?

            Fan: Totally!  I figured a bunch of events’ll get streamlined, some characters’ll get combined, not much of the original dialogue will remain intact, the usual shenanigans – I’m completely on board!

            Lead Character: We’ll see about that.  All right everyone, places!  And… action!

            Fan: Ooh, I just got a chill.

            SCENE 5

FADE IN:

EXT. A BANK – EARLY AFTERNOON

     CUT TO:

     INT. CAR

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN and SIDEKICK sit in the driver’s and passenger’s seats, respectively.  UNDERCOVER VILLAIN is tugging on a uniform collar.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

I wish I didn’t have to wear this in 100° weather.

                       

SIDEKICK

Yeah, tell me again why we’re –

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Ssh, here they come!

     They watch shady figures entering the bank.

                             SIDEKICK

Same time every day.  You think they want to get caught?  Or, are they really setting a trap, and it’s for us?!

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

That’s what we’re here to find out.

(Fan pops up from the backseat)

Fan: Hi, just a quick question: I know this part was added to tie in with the whole counterfeiting ring/stolen cars/casino robberies showdown at the end, but I was wondering why you two right now are dressed as police officers and ambiguously watching this random bank, when in the book we were straight-up told that you were the villain on Page 8 and this guy here didn’t even exist?

Undercover Villain: Keeps the audience on their toes.  Plus I needed someone to explain my villainous schemes to.

Fan: Yeah, but why?  There are already three other mysteries going on at this very moment; we really don’t need another.

Undercover Villain: Everyone loves an epic shocking reveal.

Fan: Yeah, but even without having read the book, everything you say and do makes it quite clear that you’re a villain.

Undercover Villain: (Lifts an eyebrow while staring in the rearview mirror at Fan) Am I?

MUSIC. [DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!]

Sidekick: Yes.

Undercover Villain: Well, it’s not always that clear.

Fan: Yeah, but –

Undercover Villain: Love to chat – gotta drive!

CUT TO:

High-speed chase out of the parking lot; both cars involved immediately stall in the never-ending traffic.

Fan: (Looks at Undercover Villain and Sidekick, who are both fuming) Would you like me to run up ahead and pepper spray them for you?

SCENE 27.

FADE IN:

INT. A NEARLY EMPTY DANCE STUDIO - EVENING

                        LEAD CHARACTER

You will dance again; you just have to believe in yourself, like I do with my entire soul.

                  

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I-I-I can’t!  The Dance has left me!

Gracefully swoons to the group to weep.  LEAD CHARACTER leans down to bring OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST standing up again.

                             LEAD CHARACTER

          Here.  Let me remind you of how talented you are.

     They waltz around the studio.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I think my life has found its meaning again, and it never would have if it weren’t for you!

            (In the mirror they see Fan’s horrified face staring back at them; they stop dancing)

            Lead Character: What, did I miss my mark?

            Fan: Um, I really don’t know where to begin….

            Obligatory Love Interest: I didn’t show enough adoration and cleavage, is that it?

            Fan: I think that’s as good a place to start as any: since when have you been a dancer?  Ever?

            Obligatory Love Interest: Since… forever?

            Fan: You’re supposed to be a neurosurgeon!

            Obligatory Love Interest: No need to be elitist.

            Fan: I agree, but you also should agree that there’s quite a difference between the two professions when it comes to your impact on the plot!  Now how are you supposed to make the Family Patriarch walk again?!

            Obligatory Love Interest: The who?

            Fan: The driving force behind the whole art forgery storyline!

            Lead Character: Yeah, that was scrapped.

            Fan: What?!  That was almost a third of the entire book!

            Lead Character: It just didn’t fit in the narrative flow.

            Fan: And schmaltzing around here does?!

            Lead Character: It’s part of my redemption arc.

            Fan: Ha!  You were a secondary character at best; no one cared about you, but your role got puffed up anyway!

            Lead Character: Listen, insults aside, we really need to finish this scene.

            Fan: Oh, by all means, continue with your butchery!

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST stares deep into LEAD CHARACTER’S eyes.

                        OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

     Now, save my soul!

                       

LEAD CHARACTER

     Just as you saved mine.

(As they half-heartedly kiss, they are distracted by the gagging noises coming from Fan)

SCENE 103.

CUT TO:

EXT. A CORNFIELD – NIGHT

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     I saw them run through there!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     Great!  Let’s get after them!

The two draw their guns and run.

Fan: Where are we going?

Lead Character’s Best Friend: After them!

Fan: No, I mean plot-wise: where are we going?!  And shouldn’t you be dead by now?

GUNFIRE is heard nearby.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     Aha!  We have them surrounded!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN turns to point gun on LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Actually, it is you who are the one who is surrounded.  Mwahaha.

LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND turns to point gun on UNDERCOVER VILLAIN.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     This can’t be!  You were always so trustworthy!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     All the more reason not to have trusted me!

SIDEKICK runs in from stage left.

                        SIDEKICK

     Boss, the shipment’s moving out, we’ve gotta go!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

                    (To LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND)

     Until we inevitably meet again!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN runs away with SIDEKICK, both of them trying to cackle evilly.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

Curses!  How could I have been duped by so obvious an undercover villain?!

     Fan: And you’re still alive – see, that would’ve been the perfect moment for them to have dispatched you and get something in this mess right.

            Lead Character’s Best Friend: But I’m a fan favorite!

            Fan: News to me.

SCENE 177.

FADE IN:

INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE – MORNING

All the important characters have gathered around the board room table.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Well folks, we foiled all the villains, rescued all the orphans, and ensured that I found my one true love.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

And I found The Dance again!

     Fan: Who actually watches you?  I’m being serious: not once have I seen you perform in public or even teach anybody.

                                                                        LEAD CHARACTER

So, all in all, I think it’s safe to say our adventures have had a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned.

     Fan: Oh thank –

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN bursts through the door, wearing prison stripes and a ball and chain on one leg.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     NOT.  SO.  FAST.

Fan: What the – ?

                                                UNDERCOVER VILLAIN (Continued)

With great pains I have defeated the maximum-security prison, the local law enforcement, and the entire judicial system to get here, and now I shall defeat YOU!

                   LEAD CHARACTER

Not so fast yourself, oh foe of mine: haven’t you forgotten YOUR SECRET CHILD?

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

My what?!

Fan: Your what?!

LEAD CHARACTER wheels a carriage from behind a podium and picks up a BABY from it.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Gaze upon your spawn: how you can you continue your villainous ways when you have this adorable coochie-coo face staring judgmentally at you?

     UNDERCOVER VILLAIN reaches out to pick up the BABY.

                             UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Oh sweet child of mine!  That settles it: the mere existence of my offspring makes me realize that I must never do evil ever, ever again!

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Splendid – just sign over all your shares in the company to me and we’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Right-ho!

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

Now that’s what I call a happy ending!

     Fan: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.

Story 248: Stress Reading

            “So, now that he’s transferred to Corporate, you’re going to have to do his work on top of your own.  In the same number of hours each day, with no overtime.  And no pay raise.”

            “…OK.”
            “But only until they hire somebody to replace him.  Which could take a few months.  Or a few years – need to find the right person, right?”

            “Right.”

          “`Course they could always decide you’re doing such a good job with both positions that there’s no point in hiring someone else.  Saves them money, and all that.  It’s happened in other departments, you know.”

            “I know.”

            “Welp, that’s about it.  Let me know if you need anything!”

            “[Whimper]”

            The stairs descended into the depths of the subterranean cavern – darkness enveloped her, leaving her defenseless against whatever horrors lay in wait below.  Her hearing then kicked into overdrive, and she realized: something enormous, breathing, was THERE….

            “You still have a few years to pay off your loans, but I wanted to let you know that interest rates went up again.”

            “Did they?”

            “Yeah, so your monthly payments also went up by…$300.  Guess no summer vacation again this year, huh?”

            “Guess not.”

         He leaned closer to the screen to read the headline: “SMITH FAMILY JEWELS STOLEN!”  He scanned through the article twice to make sure the family described was the same family he had just finished drawing up wills for, then wheeled himself to the file cabinet to find the documents that he knew would reveal – the Smith Family had affirmed there were no family jewels!

            “We found out his cancer’s back, and it’s not looking good.”

            “Oh no, that’s terrible!”

           “Yeah, and insurance can’t cover that much, so we’re probably soon going to lose both him and our life savings.  And they wonder why people lose their faith.”

            “I know.  I wish I could do something to help.”

            “It’s OK.  So, how’ve you been lately?”

            “…Fine.”

            “We meet at last, nemesis.”

            “Quite.  I have been looking forward to defeating you for a long time, my foe.”

            “Once I have destroyed you, the world will be mine!”

            “Not so fast!  Once I have destroyed you, the world will be mine!”

            “Wait a minute, I thought you were the good guy?”

            “Blazes no, I’m the villain.”

            “But I’m the villain!”

            “So where’s the good guy?”

            “I’m not gonna keep doing this if there’s no good guy!”

            “I know, right?  There’s really no point then.”

            “You’ve been reading a lot lately – did you go back to school or something?”

            “No, it just helps me relax.  I’ve had a lot of stress.”

            “Oh.  Why not watch some TV?  Helps me zone right out.”

            “Personal preference.”

            “`K.  Is it really helping with the stress?”

           “Surprisingly, yes.  My own problems seem small when the fate of the fictional world is at stake.”

            No matter who tries to stop me, no matter how many say it cannot be done, I will not rest in the quest to be the best Prime Minister this country has ever had!

            “You just did it again, didn’t you?”

            “Can’t help it now: it’s no longer a luxury, it’s a need.”

Story 247: Generous Return Policy

            (At a department store’s returns counter)

           Customer 1: Hi, I would like to return this toaster oven – I bought it yesterday but I really don’t need it; it’s never been used; here’s the receipt.

            Cashier: Beautiful.  (Processes the return) And here’s your refund; have a nice day!

           Customer 1: Wow, that was the fastest return I’ve ever had in my entire life.  I don’t know how to feel right now.

            Cashier: Feel it over there, please – next!

           Customer 2: Yeah, my girlfriend made me bring this paint back because it’s the wrong hue or whatever, but it’s been opened and we painted half the room before she figured that out –

            Cashier: Not a problem!  Here’s some store credit.

            Customer 2: Really?  So we had that big fight over nothing?

            Cashier: Sorry to hear that – next!

           Customer 3: I bought this vacuum cleaner over a year ago, used it a whole bunch of times, and now it doesn’t work so I want a new one.

            Cashier: Here you go! (Hands over a new vacuum cleaner) Next!

            Customer 4: Hi, I’d like to return this dress.

            Cashier: Has it been worn?

            Customer 4: Yes.  Quite often, in fact.

            Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

            Customer 4: No, but I made sure to leave the tags on.

            Cashier: Well then, here’s your store credit – next!

            Customer 4: But I want a refund.

            Cashier: Then here you go!  Next!

           Customer 5: (Grabs a pack of gum from the display and plops it onto the counter) Yeah, I’d like to return this for cash.

            Cashier: Sure thing!

          Manager: (Arrives behind Cashier) Hold it!  Folks, it’ll be a few minutes while one of our associates takes over here.

            (Collective groan from the customers)

            Customer 12: (Halfway down the line) Will they take back my grandmother’s teapot?

            Manager: Probably not.  (To Cashier) Walk with me.

            Cashier: Okey-dokey.

            (They aimlessly stroll around the store)

            Manager: I think you may need a refresher course on processing returns.

            Cashier: But I have been processing them!  All of them!

           Manager: Exactly!  Not every item people bring in here is eligible for a return!  And that last one was clearly attempted theft!

           Cashier: But I was told to take everything back and never question the customers, lest they transform into hideous monsters who destroy your soul!

            Manager: That’s true, but everything has a limit.  You can’t take back items that were never even in the company’s inventory, for one thing – that’s just people offloading their junk.

            Cashier: So how I do keep the hideous transformation from happening?

        Manager: Either shame them into submission by showing how damaged/old/not-even-purchased-here the item is, or make them feel sorry for you by handing them the return policy while weeping about how underpaid you are.  It works because it’s true.

            Cashier: I guess I can try.  I just don’t like having to play police on scam artists, and I feel like I failed if I can’t convince people they can’t pull a fast one.

            Manager: Don’t – the failure isn’t yours.

            Customer 20: Excuse me?

            Manager: Yes?

            Customer 20: Can I return this here? (Holds up a ship’s helm)

            Manager: That clearly is not one of our products.

            Customer 20: Figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.